Groan Worthy Jokes
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12-05-2016, 06:17 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Why shouldn't you fart in church?

Because you have to sit in your pew.

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
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22-05-2016, 08:38 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[Image: 7DFBA79FB273479CA20A483E8D4FF5AC.jpeg?gu...=295333317]

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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22-05-2016, 09:08 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Why did Adele cross the road?


So she could say hello from the other side.

☆☆☆
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15-06-2016, 08:55 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Oly and Olga wanted to get married and needed a certificate. Oly is this scrawny little swede, and Olga stands 6'2" and 200 pounds of muscle from working on the dairy.
Off they go to see the doctor, and he remarks "my my Olga, you are big enough to play on the Green bay Packers!"
She blushes and replies, "oh no, I just vant to play with Oly's packer"
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17-06-2016, 08:03 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Why did the phone have to wear glasses?

Because it lost its contacts!
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19-06-2016, 01:17 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
3 priests are walking down a road, a Franciscan, a Dominican, and a Jesuit. After a few minutes, an image of the Holy Family appear before them. The Franciscan, humbled by their poverty, falls to his knees and worships. The Dominican, falls to his knees, adoring the beauty of how the Holy Family reflects the Trinity. The Jesuit walks up to Joseph, pulls out a bottle of whiskey and a pair of cigars and drawls, "So, have you thought where to send the boy to school?"

--

A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."

On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."

Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."

Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.

--

Need to think of a witty signature.
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19-06-2016, 01:56 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
What's white, and black, and red, all over?
A skunk with a diaper rash! Tongue

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30-08-2016, 03:33 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks, " Got any duck food?"

" Don't carry any," replies the clerk.

Next day the duck waddles in again and asks, " Got any duck food?"

" I told you yesterday, we don't carry it." the clerk says.

Duck waddles on the third day and asks, " Got any duck food?"

" Look I told you we don't carry it, and if you come in again I'm going to nail your web feet to the floor!" the clerk shouts.

Fourth day the duck waddles in, " Got any nails ?"

" No we don't have any nails," the clerk answers, " We are a grocery store."

" Good, got any duck food?"

What do you mean Life is short. It's the longest thing you're going to do.
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30-08-2016, 10:10 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Slim was bush-hogging his land one day, and his neighbor Bobby was sitting on his front porch, smoking a cigarette and watching Slim as he bush-hogged. Suddenly, a water moccasin got caught in the bush hog and. the dead snake was slung forward right onto Slim's lap, and the tractor jerked to a halt. Bobby, seeing what happened, ran from his porch yelling, "Slim! Slim! There's a snake on you! Do something!"

Slim gazed over at Bobby and said, "... I think I already did...."

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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31-08-2016, 05:44 AM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Why did the student of Eastern philosophy refuse an anaesthetic at the dentist's?

Because he was trying to transcend dental medication.

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
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