Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
12-09-2014, 10:26 PM
Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
Grocery Shopping 101

Introduction statement

Grocery shopping is a vital skill that we all must partake in, often on a regular basis, throughout our lives. It is important that we as individuals understand how to properly execute this task. A recent study has shown that 98% of all people on the planet have absolutely no fucking clue as to how to properly shop for groceries. As such I thought I would take it upon myself, a professional grocery shopper, to crusade against bad grocery shopping habits and educate the masses in the art of grocery shopping.

Step 1: Parking

- The most critical factor to remember when parking at the grocery store is to follow the arrows. If they say go left, go left. If they say go forward, go forward. Follow the arrow.

- If you're old, catch the bus, don't drive.

- Don't park in the disabled parks if you're not disabled.

- Don't park in the baby car parks if you don't have a baby.

- Don't park in the motorbike parks if you're not a motorbike, you too cyclists.

- Don't stop and hold up traffic to let someone go. If you have the right of way, fucking go!! Don't try to be polite, you just confuse everyone and hold everyone up.

- Park in your own individual park, don't take up two parks. If you can't park, stay the fuck at home.

Step 2: Selecting a trolley

note: Its trolley not cart. Only retards call it a cart.

- Select a trolley that's in the trolley holder things in the parking lot. That way there's not a thousand people trying to get a trolley at the door.

- If you need only a few things grab a fucking basket.

- Be careful of people behind you when you have your trolly, don't swing it around and bash everyone in a 2m radius around you.

- Don't stop in the fucking doorway to talk.

Step 3: Shopping

- DON'T BRING YOUR FUCKING KIDS TO THE GROCERY STORE!! LEAVE THEM IN THE FUCKING CAR!! Just crack a window open a bit on hot days, no need to be cruel.

- If it's too late and your kids are in the store, put them in the fucking trolley, don't let them run around out of control like a dog with rabies. Kids have no fucking awareness radar and don't look where they're running. They're little retarded freaks and I don't want the running up to me trying to talk to me and no I don't find it fucking cute when they do that.

- BE AWARE OF OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU! If someone is behind you and you're stopping to browse, let them through.

- Shop on the side of the aisle, not the middle. This allows people to get past you.

- Walk in a straight fucking line, not diagonally across the aisle. You've been walking for most of your life, you should know how to do it by now.

- Walk faster. Just walk faster.

- If you meet someone you know, make a quick arrangement for a lunch date or something. This is the grocery store, not 5th period math. We're here to shop, not gossip.

- Get the fuck out of my god damn way.

Step 4: Paying

- If you're finished putting your stuff on the checkout, grab that little barrier thing so the next person can put their shit on.

- Don't use the self checkout if you have a trolley.

- Don't use the self checkout if you're old.

- Don't use the self checkout if you've never used it before.

- Don't use the self checkout if you have a thousand fucking items.

- Don't use the 12 items or less if you have more then 12 items.

- If you have a thousand items and I have one or two, let me go first.

- Don't stop and stare at the stuff on sale at the counter for 5minutes while the lady waits for you to get our your card to pay, if you're still shopping by the time it's time to pay then you're doing it wrong!

- Don't buy cigarettes

- Don't buy alcohol with no ID when you clearly don't look older then 26, of course they're not gonna sell it to you you fucktard.

Conclusion

If we can all follow these easy to do instructions, maybe grocery shopping will be a far more enjoyable experience for all!
Stay tuned for my next 'life guide' edition, Driving 101, where I teach you how to not be a fucking cunt.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 13 users Like earmuffs's post
12-09-2014, 10:41 PM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
I await the day I can pay someone to shop for groceries for me - I hate the entire process. No

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
12-09-2014, 11:17 PM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
Very instructive list of particulars to avoid pissing off Muffs when shopping. But the whole thing can be distilled to one general rule: stay the hell away from any store Muffs might be in at the same time. Muffs is in New Zealand. I'm west coast USA. Pretty easy rule to abide by.

But "groceries" can mean different things to different people, so having a "keep clear" persona in the meat department could mean missing some of the specials.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Airportkid's post
12-09-2014, 11:44 PM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
(12-09-2014 10:26 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  - If you have a thousand items and I have one or two, let me go first.

eh....fuck the cunt, waiting builds character.

But you did forget the asshole who has to organize their money, credit card, subtract their checkbook (seriously for fucks sake just get an ATM card, don't pull out the fucking checkbook and start writing at the very end) and everything else, while the store person starts on my order..

Just shove the shit into your fucking fanny pack and move the fucking lark out of the way so I can take two seconds to swipe my fucking card...

And I'm sure the stupid fuckwit buying two items behind me, wants me gone just as quickly. Tongue


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Momsurroundedbyboys's post
13-09-2014, 12:49 AM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
It's a cart, Muffs.
Lol

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like WitchSabrina's post
13-09-2014, 01:13 AM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
This is a 'trolley' muffs...

[Image: trolley.jpg]


And this is a 'cart'...

[Image: cart.png]

[Image: E3WvRwZ.gif]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 9 users Like EvolutionKills's post
13-09-2014, 01:15 AM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
(13-09-2014 12:49 AM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  It's a cart, Muffs.
Lol

Nah! Carts have horses.

Dodgy

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes DLJ's post
13-09-2014, 01:19 AM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
(12-09-2014 10:41 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I await the day I can pay someone to shop for groceries for me - I hate the entire process. No

Or better still, get them to do it for free.

Done. Next?

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
13-09-2014, 01:48 AM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
(12-09-2014 10:26 PM)earmuffs Wrote:  - Don't use the self checkout if you have a trolley.

Sometimes I am out of one or two items and I will bring my kids, one in the carriage and one out, and I will go to the self-checkout because I'm not waiting behind a line with the coupon, penny pinching people who take so long while my kids tease each other and get louder and hungrier. If I see you Muffs, I would be sure to stop and chat about all the going-ons in lifeā€¦ I would hope to make a meaningful connection right there in the grocery store, one moment we can remember forever.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like LadyJane's post
13-09-2014, 06:12 AM
RE: Grocery Shopping 101: A life guide by Muffs
Quote:- Don't use the self checkout if you've never used it before.

So.... never use the self checkout?

Atheism: it's not just for communists any more!
America July 4 1776 - November 8 2016 RIP
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like unfogged's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: