Grudge towards my ex
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25-05-2011, 02:07 PM
Thumbs Down Grudge towards my ex
I used to have a lot of grudge towards my ex. There used to be a time where I drove my car and, what started as a conversation in my head with arguments I never got to say to her, escalated to a loud rant all by myself. It takes some serious effort to piss me off, but once past that border... Jesus forgives... The_Observer doesn't!

I always felt guilty afterwards. I's a waste of energy! Blush But I got that grudge under control now.

The divorce was arranged in 2007 and I got to buy my own house back for a mere 43.000€. Dodgy we had no children. The day the papers where signed was the last day I saw her thick skull and fat lard-ass.

I'll be fine...There's no turning back and I have a sweet new wife, and a lovely daughter.

Today...
I found out that my ex often sees my two nieces (15 & 16).
There goes my rage boiling again!

I'm posting this here because I feel the need to cast it away from me. I'm not sure if It's going to help to dissipate all this negative energy. I'll give it a try.

Thanks for reading.

Observer

Agnostic atheist
Secular humanist
Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
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25-05-2011, 02:25 PM
RE: Grudge towards my ex
Your welcome.
Why is it that her seeing your nieces gets to you so much?
I think we need to hear more of this story.

I want to rip off your superstitions and make passionate sense to you
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25-05-2011, 02:36 PM
 
RE: Grudge towards my ex
Hmm, how to respond to that and what should I say...?
Meh, let's start with the easy stuff.

Step I: Why the grudge?
We have:

a) a period of your life wasted
b) loss of money
c) disappointment
d) forced change of routine
e) unwelcome contact with your relatives
f) possible propaganda against you
and g) other stuff I can't possibly guess

Which of those actually make you angry? Why? What should change to make you feel better?

II) Next step: Choose one of the options below. (Don't think of it too much, be spontaneous, don't think "appropriately")

I want that bitch...

a) to get hit by a truck
b) to get out of my life and stay out
c) to come back to my life
d) to suffer forever

III) Next step: Think of what makes you happy in your life. Then think of the things that make you happy and try to see if those can be affected or have been affected by the reasons you are holding the grudge against her. Feel free to rationalize as much as you want in this step.

IV) next step: See how and if what you chose in step II would potentially change anything in your life right now.

V) Last step: 2 possible outcomes:

a) Feel stupid for still having emotions (negative emotions are ... emotions!) for her.
b) Feel glad for not having any emotions anymore for her because she is not worth it.

Sleepy
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25-05-2011, 03:41 PM
 
RE: Grudge towards my ex
[Image: 4.gif][Image: 10.gif][Image: 3.gif]

Well, you could always kill her and bury her in the rose garden.

Oopsie, flashback to Mel Gibson ex rant!

Is she divorced from your Nieces just because you are now divorced?

Things left unsaid on most any occasion can haunt us for as long as we let it. For some reason, you held back saying what you wanted to say when it was time to say it. Maybe it was attorneys warning you against such things, because it could hurt you in the long run with the settlement. Maybe she left and wasn't there to hear it. Whatever the case may be, the time has passed but the words are still there.

I've been there myself. Not with an ex, but with a present Tongue. And in other cases with other people as well. One thing I've found is that when words go unsaid they can affect other parts of our body. Chronic recurring sore throat, coughing, weight gain, stammering if we get into a dialog with someone wherein the conversation has a similar flavor to what we have yet to vent to someone we want to really unload on, and even headaches because all that stress of things happening, things we want to still say, running through our heads.

When regret lives in us, it lives with us. While the one we regret not chewing out, or speaking our mind to, is living their life oblivious to our condition.

The way I see it you have two choices. One is available because quite to your upset, she's still in contact with your Nieces. Call her and make a date. Somewhere public and yet where you can have a private conversation and not worry about the volume, should things turn hot. Like a park, for instance. (Ignore the rose garden bit Wink Tongue)
If she agrees let her know how you feel and that it's something that's been on your mind and you need to let it go because it's something you need to say. Broaden your chances by adding that you're sure there are things left unsaid that she would like to get off her chest also. (Try to avoid imagining that would be the ripping of her heart out through her ribcage. These visuals don't go over well in sending the energy into your words that convey potential for a, "Yes" on her part.)

Remember, this is a woman that you once loved. That you had no doubt about when it came to believing you could live the rest of your life with her and only her. At one time, her stubborn side was cute. (Guessing here. Wink ) At one time, today's fat ass was too.
When two people part, whether they're just lovers or married, two hearts break apart and two people who's dreams were shared together, looking toward a future that would be faced as a couple, instead live a nightmare having never imagined loving bliss would disintegrate into a complete mess.
And yet, while you feel all this anger still that's also part and partially mixed with pain and heartbreak. How could she do this? Why didn't I see who she was before it all got so expensively complicated?

That's love.
It turns the whole world a different color. And it blinds. It deafens. We don't see or hear what may have been there, until we find out later when it's all over. And it sucks

We mingle our family and our friends. Her's become yours. Sometimes we even call our in-laws endearing names, like "Mom" and "Dad". I do that with my mother-in-law, calling her "Mom __________<Last name".
And when the relationship is over, it can spread to all relationships. So that friends and family, though them not so much at times, seemingly have to choose a side.

But no matter, it's you that have to live with the leftovers. And yet like with any couple, just because it's over doesn't mean it's all said and done on both sides.

The second solution you can consider to settle this is shop at a Dollar Tree, if they have one where you're at. Everything there is one dollar. It's a great place to shop if someone is a new parent on a budget. Like 100 count packs of brown paper lunch bags. And it's especially grand because they sell cheapie ceramic and glass doodads too.
I've bought both ceramic and glass doodads and a pack of lunch bags, wrapped each doodad in one bag for easy clean up, ventured into my basement (or the back wall of the house will do) and pitched holy hell out of them right up against the wall. Smashing to smithereens those curios, while venting aloud whatever it is that pisses me off to that extent. As in, regrets for things unsaid.

As I pitch, and let me tell you I wind up like an all star baseball player because I want that sucker to fly carrying everything I put into it as I release aloud my angst and also imagine my emotions channeling into that bagged item, so that once smashed it's released from me forever.

Some folks call this sympathetic magic. Works for me. Otherwise, I'd have to say it's an exercise in how to avoid making a public spectacle of myself, with one of those indelible impressions on someone face to face, which would then lead me to additional regret for how I looked acting the fool without ceramics in hand. Tongue

In any case, baggage the likes of what you're talking about can eat you up for long years after you stop being of importance to the one you're pissed off at. You gotta let it go. Break free, evacuate it completely. Say the words, even if it's to a wall, or an old picture of her. Say it to her personally, because you know there's stuff she probably wants to say to you too. Maybe that's why she's still in touch with those young girls closest to you. Checking up on you, while staying relevant in the family divorce broke apart.

One thing that doesn't help, and I know this so I speak for myself while realizing it may not apply to you, is living in the home you had once shared together but that you ended up having to buy from her in the settlement. Talk about baggage!
I live in the house I grew up in, that I inherited from my parents. Antiques here and there, and memories in every room. Even with my own furniture combined with those old valuable pieces of theirs, it still feels like they're just away on vacation and will one day return. Even if I emptied it of all their stuff, it's where I grew up.

I'd sell it if I could, but certain things make it more valuable a property than not. With your house, maybe you'd fare better in getting her out of your life, if you sold the house you shared when things were great, and now is your property because you got screwed in the deal that let her go.

What's of primary importance, since you don't have kids, is self-preservation. Free yourself of the baggage that doesn't matter anymore. She's not worth it! But you are. (HUGS)

Wait! I didn't mean pick up a shovel. [Image: 11.gif] Besides no matter what genus of rose you plant, you'll know one should be named after her and that just makes for real whacked out bouquets in the future!
[Image: 2.gif]
Here dear, I picked these just for you. They remind me of my ex-wife. *cough* I mean....Tongue



(Yes, they call me...smiley whore. [Image: 10.gif] And they call me often. )
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26-05-2011, 01:47 PM
RE: Grudge towards my ex
Thanks for the posts people.
I'm going to pounder about all this questions and advice for a few days and get back to it later.

You might have helped me more then you can initially think of.

Observer

Agnostic atheist
Secular humanist
Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
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