Hard Time Dating
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17-06-2017, 06:46 PM
Hard Time Dating
I've been having an issue everytime I date.

The guy could be perfect for me, everything I could hope for. I'll think I love them, I'll think I need them and want them.

But, it's the same cycle, I'll date and everyday when I date them I dread seeing them. I dread knowing I'm dating someone. I feel like something should change, that I should act different. I know I don't have to. But, I feel like growing up in a very traditional home, i have no idea how to date.
Hell I never even had the 'Talk' with my parents, my friends had to tell me about Sex and Protection before my evangelic parents even thought about it. And its was in my 10th grade year of Highschool.

Some say to me 'you haven't found the right guy.' but, I've dated at least 4 different guys, and every one of them could have been a good match. My last one was 28. I'm 19... yeah age gap, but he was so nice, sweet, caring, and was willing to work with me if I felt uncomfortable he would understand and back off.
However, I felt dread every time I had to see him. I hoped to avoid him the days I went to school.

And it was like this with every guy I dated. Now, I feel often this way with only guys is what I have noticed.

Yet on some days I can't even bother to be thinking about settling down. And my Christian parents seem so convinced that my statement 'I'm not getting married' to be a 'Phase' and that I'll have kids and find a nice man.

How can that think that when every guy I date I dread seeing again and hope they break up with me. It's like I can say the words 'I love you' think I mean them, but yet I can't bring myself to feel them.

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17-06-2017, 07:28 PM
RE: Hard Time Dating
Do you think it's because you associate dating with marriage, kids, and being tied down? Maybe that's why you have a subconscious aversion to dating in general--and as such, it has little to do with the actual guy you are dating. I dunno I'm just speculating, I don't know you well enough to say for sure Tongue

When I was in college, I only dated guys and would not do the relationship thing because I did not want anything serious in my life at that point. Maybe just dating guys with no strings attached, just going out and having fun would suit you better at this stage in your life?
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17-06-2017, 09:43 PM
RE: Hard Time Dating
You might consider therapy to heal the damage apparently caused by your parents. Consider

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18-06-2017, 05:31 AM
RE: Hard Time Dating
At this point in your life, I'd strongly recommend you date for fun, not for a "good match." If it's not fun, don't date, or date someone else. (including maybe dating a girl and see how that feels?) You really have a lot of time to make this choice, and you'll make a better decision if you wait for a while to stop looking.

You've been raised in an environment that has squished you into a mold of what it wants a young woman to be. I was, too. Ditching the mold is the first thing, but then you have to sculpt yourself, and that takes a while. It's a good bet that if you found someone you wanted to marry today and you got married, you'd have grown away from each other in a few years. So take your time, and as soon as you can, get a place of your own so that you have some space to have fun in.

When I was your age I had dated/was dating a couple of guys in their mid 30s. Older guys are not necessarily great long-term prospects, but the relationships were still fun. Good luck!
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18-06-2017, 06:37 AM
RE: Hard Time Dating
At work.

Yeah.... I often get the feeling of being terribly dated....

Oh..... wait.... Unsure


Big Grin Tongue
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18-06-2017, 07:09 AM
RE: Hard Time Dating
Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to find Mr Right.

But now is not the time to be looking for Mr Right. Now is the time to understand what a Mr Right is, to you (and also understand that what you find attractive in a Mr Right currently may not be so attractive in 1, 2, 5, 10 years).

Besides, there really is no Mr Right. So you can dispense yourself of that myth right away.

I think Julep and Jennybee nailed it (they usually both do, they're pretty smart). Now is the time to go out, have fun, enjoy the company of men (and/or women, if that's your thing), have new experiences, get laid, get silly, have a wee bit too much to drink, travel a bit, do things you may not otherwise do.

Enjoy the process.
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18-06-2017, 02:01 PM
RE: Hard Time Dating
I concur with Jennybee.

Also, it may well be a phase. You're a pretty rational person, and it's insane for a 19 year old (male or female) to even think about a serious relationship. You should be working on education and building the expertise to make yourself a living in the field best suited to you. On some level, I'm sure you know that.

So if you're even evaluating guys as "perfect for me", you're likely responding to some of that childhood programming that teaches you that you need to "find a guy" as a life priority. Christian culture is rife with that sort of message, even when it's often too subtle for you to notice the programming as it enters your operating system.

Until you really find out who YOU are, you have zero chance of finding who's right for YOU. It's simple logic. Tongue

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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19-06-2017, 03:04 AM
RE: Hard Time Dating
The reason could be indeed that maybe you're not yet ready to start a long term relationship while wanting to be serious about it at the same time, I mean you don't start dating thinking that if you break up with him in 15 days, it's no big deal, maybe you project yourself in longterm relationship which is why you can't enjoy dating and you want to back off : meeting someone and having a long term relationship would mean a lot of change in your life that you might not be ready to accept. I acted precisely the same way when I was younger. When I started dating someone, I wanted to back off almost immediately, regretting it. I only dated a couple of time, but it was always the same. Then when I was 23 I met the right girl and started a relationship that lasted 15 years.

You shouldn't overthink about it, just take things as the are : you like a guy, you want to start dating him, go for it ; then if you finally want to back off, just break up with him. If you keep thinking about the why it doesn't work, and why you're acting this way, you will act unnaturally and experience more stress about it. I actually have the reverse problem which is, I'm 38 years old, and I dread dating someone and finally want to break up because that persons doesn't suit me : I fear hurting her if I break up or made her lose her time, so I tend to be excessively picky and consider that if I start dating someone she has to be for a longterm relationship which is why I don't date because you can never be sure when you meet someone. The advice about not overthinking it comes from my therapist who told me that casual dating was totally ok, it's no big deal to start dating and break up when you don't want to pursue it. I think it also applies in your case, just enjoy it without pressuring yourself about the outcome.
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19-06-2017, 03:18 AM
RE: Hard Time Dating
Why not just not intentionally look for people?

I find that if you go out with friends or join in on group activities, you gravitate towards certain people and find out more about them than you would if you actively "date", and just go from there?

I met my wife on a night out, which like any nights out I'd had up to that point, I was out to have fun with my friends and nothing else. She was a friend of a friend, and we hit it off pretty well, and a fair while later we had a "date", but by then we knew each other pretty well so the pressure was off Smile

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