Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
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20-05-2017, 03:28 PM
Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
Here is my situation : after a 15 years long relationship, I'm recently separated. I moved to the city and live now alone for the first time in my life. Even though I like it, I miss social contacts, sometimes I don't talk to anybody in days, so I would like to go out but my problem is, I'm socially inapt, I don't dare talking to anybody.

It's easier when I find a meetup to join, but that's still occasional, and sometimes I would just like to go out for a drink, especially as I live in the very center of the city, close to the pubs, but I dare not doing it, I know myself : I'll just sit alone, drink my beer pay the bill and leave, a pathetic picture that would make me feel even worse. After days not daring to try, I braced myself (required extra motivation) and tried it for the first time this evening. Big street, full of pubs, a lot of people drinking and talking, I had to decide quickly where to sit before looking weird and hesitant, and I picked a table outside, far from everybody...I just read a book, drank my beer and left (I'm so predictable). So I totally missed the point and didn't talk to anybody.

What should I do, just give up the idea because I'm inapt for this ? Drinking alone in a pub is pathetic ? Or should I go inside, at the counter ? Is it a good idea to try this in the district where I live ? I mean, if I make a fool of myself (which is very likely), I'll never dare to go out again...Any advice is welcome, I'm angry against myself for my ineptitude...
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20-05-2017, 03:38 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
I always find the best way to meet people is to take classes or join clubs that you are interested in. Or even getting out there and doing activities you enjoy. That way, you have loads to talk about with like-minded people.

I got the bars and clubs thing out of my system when I was in college. And I was a bit excessive with it Hobo going dancing at clubs in Boston Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights each and every week Hobo I can tell you one thing though, that's not the best way to meet people, imo. The music is too loud, people are in fun mode, people are drinking...it's really hard to get the true sense of someone's personality.

That said, good for you for getting out, even if you didn't talk to anyone--you still made the effort and you should feel good about that. Smile You seem like a nice person, anyone would be lucky to be your friend. *hugs*

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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20-05-2017, 03:42 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(20-05-2017 03:28 PM)Sturm Wrote:  What should I do, just give up the idea because I'm inapt for this ? Drinking alone in a pub is pathetic ? Or should I go inside, at the counter ? Is it a good idea to try this in the district where I live ? I mean, if I make a fool of myself (which is very likely), I'll never dare to go out again...Any advice is welcome, I'm angry against myself for my ineptitude...

Think of it like fishing. Mostly you just sit and wait for a bite, but it's still fun to see what happens. If you don't get a bite in one place, you try another. If you get a bite, you have to reel the fish in slowly. If the fish is too small, you catch and release.

Plus you get to enjoy the scenery regardless.
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20-05-2017, 03:46 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
I have a lot of experience going out alone. But that's from a time when there was no internet and no mobiles and you knew who was at a particular watering hole by looking at the cars in front.

I still feel nostalgic over these times, but that shouldn't keep you from visiting certain locations.

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20-05-2017, 04:20 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
I think this issue you're talking about is pretty common among the recently separated; when my older brother separated from wife #2 way back when, he talked a lot to me about the isolated feeling and thinking everyone was watching/judging. It's common enough that Steve Martin even made a pretty cheap joke about it in the movie "The Lonely Guy," by walking into a restaurant and a spotlight came on and everyone in the room quit talking.

I'm not an extrovert by any stretch of the imagination, but when I split with my ex, I made it a point to go out (alone) to local pubs, sit at the bar with other people and just start a conversation about casual stuff. I won't lie and say it wasn't awkward for a while, but ending a 15 year old relationship is HARD, and grief sucks. I hate to sound cliche, but the journey always begins with the first step, just like the answer is always no when you don't ask.

BTW ...as stated above, even if you crash and burn, there's always other places and other people.
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20-05-2017, 05:22 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(20-05-2017 03:28 PM)Sturm Wrote:  Here is my situation : after a 15 years long relationship, I'm recently separated. I moved to the city and live now alone for the first time in my life. Even though I like it, I miss social contacts, sometimes I don't talk to anybody in days, so I would like to go out but my problem is, I'm socially inapt, I don't dare talking to anybody.

It's easier when I find a meetup to join, but that's still occasional, and sometimes I would just like to go out for a drink, especially as I live in the very center of the city, close to the pubs, but I dare not doing it, I know myself : I'll just sit alone, drink my beer pay the bill and leave, a pathetic picture that would make me feel even worse. After days not daring to try, I braced myself (required extra motivation) and tried it for the first time this evening. Big street, full of pubs, a lot of people drinking and talking, I had to decide quickly where to sit before looking weird and hesitant, and I picked a table outside, far from everybody...I just read a book, drank my beer and left (I'm so predictable). So I totally missed the point and didn't talk to anybody.

What should I do, just give up the idea because I'm inapt for this ? Drinking alone in a pub is pathetic ? Or should I go inside, at the counter ? Is it a good idea to try this in the district where I live ? I mean, if I make a fool of myself (which is very likely), I'll never dare to go out again...Any advice is welcome, I'm angry against myself for my ineptitude...

Bars are a stupid waste of time. What are the odds you meet someone with similar interests ? Pretty much zero. Join something, and make some friends, then ask one out.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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20-05-2017, 05:40 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
First, thank you all very much for your answers, it made me feel a bit better and gave me some courage for next time (next time is next week, so I hope the courage will last !).

(20-05-2017 03:38 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I always find the best way to meet people is to take classes or join clubs that you are interested in. Or even getting out there and doing activities you enjoy. That way, you have loads to talk about with like-minded people.

I'm planning to join a sport club, but as we already are at the end of May, I won't be able to do it before september, because courses stop by the end of june, so it's not worth joining for only one month. I like the way you see the bright side of it, I managed to make the effort, but that was such a tiny step, I fear that it will take me months if not years before actually being able to socialize.

(20-05-2017 03:42 PM)Thoreauvian Wrote:  Think of it like fishing. Mostly you just sit and wait for a bite, but it's still fun to see what happens. If you don't get a bite in one place, you try another. If you get a bite, you have to reel the fish in slowly. If the fish is too small, you catch and release.

Man, I really wish I could think it that way. The thing is, though I understand how you see it, once in the actual situation, I'll just think "you look like an idiot, go home, flee !!".
But when you say "you just sit and wait for a bite", do you mean, I wait for somebody to talk to me, or I wait to find the right person to talk to ? I think being the one to start talking is the hardest part for me, I actually have only been able to do that twice in my whole life (and I'm 38...), it costed me an enormous effort. I thought getting older would make things easier, but it didn't change anything.


(20-05-2017 04:20 PM)Grauwyler Wrote:  I think this issue you're talking about is pretty common among the recently separated; when my older brother separated from wife #2 way back when, he talked a lot to me about the isolated feeling and thinking everyone was watching/judging. It's common enough that Steve Martin even made a pretty cheap joke about it in the movie "The Lonely Guy," by walking into a restaurant and a spotlight came on and everyone in the room quit talking.

I'm not an extrovert by any stretch of the imagination, but when I split with my ex, I made it a point to go out (alone) to local pubs, sit at the bar with other people and just start a conversation about casual stuff. I won't lie and say it wasn't awkward for a while, but ending a 15 year old relationship is HARD, and grief sucks. I hate to sound cliche, but the journey always begins with the first step, just like the answer is always no when you don't ask.

BTW ...as stated above, even if you crash and burn, there's always other places and other people.

I think I'm so terrified with the awkward situation that it prevents me from trying anything. This is stupid because being alone all the time is more painful than living an awkward moment, or making a fool of yourself, but for some reason, I find the awkward moment more terrifying. I'll take your advice and sit at the bar. You said "if you crash and burn, there's always other places and other people", but the city in which I live isn't very big (150 000 hab), I think you easily run across the same persons, and I think a lot of people know each other, so I fear if I crash when trying to talk to people to be quickly categorized. Should I try first in other places, or am I making it a bigger deal than it actually is ?

(20-05-2017 05:22 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  Bars are a stupid waste of time. What are the odds you meet someone with similar interests ? Pretty much zero. Join something, and make some friends, then ask one out.

Well, I know what you mean, I rely more on activities to actually meet people with similar interests and maybe make more durable friends, but since I separated with my wife (about 4 months ago), I have only been able to go to 3 activities, including one during which I didn't talk to anybody. So even if the odds are thin, I want to try. Sometimes I just want to be around people, even if it's just for a nice chat, otherwise, that's staying home in my apartment (which I don't even leave during the day since I'm a telecommuter). Also, even during activities where I can meet people with similar taste, my clumsiness during social situations make it difficult for me to socialize, so trying to talk to people in bars would at least give me some experience, and maybe some more self confidence.
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20-05-2017, 05:43 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(20-05-2017 05:40 PM)Sturm Wrote:  First, thank you all very much for your answers, it made me feel a bit better and gave me some courage for next time (next time is next week, so I hope the courage will last !).

(20-05-2017 03:38 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I always find the best way to meet people is to take classes or join clubs that you are interested in. Or even getting out there and doing activities you enjoy. That way, you have loads to talk about with like-minded people.

I'm planning to join a sport club, but as we already are at the end of May, I won't be able to do it before september, because courses stop by the end of june, so it's not worth joining for only one month. I like the way you see the bright side of it, I managed to make the effort, but that was such a tiny step, I fear that it will take me months if not years before actually being able to socialize.

(20-05-2017 03:42 PM)Thoreauvian Wrote:  Think of it like fishing. Mostly you just sit and wait for a bite, but it's still fun to see what happens. If you don't get a bite in one place, you try another. If you get a bite, you have to reel the fish in slowly. If the fish is too small, you catch and release.

Man, I really wish I could think it that way. The thing is, though I understand how you see it, once in the actual situation, I'll just think "you look like an idiot, go home, flee !!".
But when you say "you just sit and wait for a bite", do you mean, I wait for somebody to talk to me, or I wait to find the right person to talk to ? I think being the one to start talking is the hardest part for me, I actually have only been able to do that twice in my whole life (and I'm 38...), it costed me an enormous effort. I thought getting older would make things easier, but it didn't change anything.


(20-05-2017 04:20 PM)Grauwyler Wrote:  I think this issue you're talking about is pretty common among the recently separated; when my older brother separated from wife #2 way back when, he talked a lot to me about the isolated feeling and thinking everyone was watching/judging. It's common enough that Steve Martin even made a pretty cheap joke about it in the movie "The Lonely Guy," by walking into a restaurant and a spotlight came on and everyone in the room quit talking.

I'm not an extrovert by any stretch of the imagination, but when I split with my ex, I made it a point to go out (alone) to local pubs, sit at the bar with other people and just start a conversation about casual stuff. I won't lie and say it wasn't awkward for a while, but ending a 15 year old relationship is HARD, and grief sucks. I hate to sound cliche, but the journey always begins with the first step, just like the answer is always no when you don't ask.

BTW ...as stated above, even if you crash and burn, there's always other places and other people.

I think I'm so terrified with the awkward situation that it prevents me from trying anything. This is stupid because being alone all the time is more painful than living an awkward moment, or making a fool of yourself, but for some reason, I find the awkward moment more terrifying. I'll take your advice and sit at the bar. You said "if you crash and burn, there's always other places and other people", but the city in which I live isn't very big (150 000 hab), I think you easily run across the same persons, and I think a lot of people know each other, so I fear if I crash when trying to talk to people to be quickly categorized. Should I try first in other places, or am I making it a bigger deal than it actually is ?

(20-05-2017 05:22 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  Bars are a stupid waste of time. What are the odds you meet someone with similar interests ? Pretty much zero. Join something, and make some friends, then ask one out.

Well, I know what you mean, I rely more on activities to actually meet people with similar interests and maybe make more durable friends, but since I separated with my wife (about 4 months ago), I have only been able to go to 3 activities, including one during which I didn't talk to anybody. So even if the odds are thin, I want to try. Sometimes I just want to be around people, even if it's just for a nice chat, otherwise, that's staying home in my apartment (which I don't even leave during the day since I'm a telecommuter). Also, even during activities where I can meet people with similar taste, my clumsiness during social situations make it difficult for me to socialize, so trying to talk to people in bars would at least give me some experience, and maybe some more self confidence.

What about talking to people on here on Skype? I know there's a group of people who do that on here via the Skype thread. That way you get the experience of socializing without the pressure--then you may be able to carry that over into real life situations.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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20-05-2017, 05:46 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(20-05-2017 03:28 PM)Sturm Wrote:  Here is my situation : after a 15 years long relationship, I'm recently separated. I moved to the city and live now alone for the first time in my life. Even though I like it, I miss social contacts, sometimes I don't talk to anybody in days, so I would like to go out but my problem is, I'm socially inapt, I don't dare talking to anybody.

It's easier when I find a meetup to join, but that's still occasional, and sometimes I would just like to go out for a drink, especially as I live in the very center of the city, close to the pubs, but I dare not doing it, I know myself : I'll just sit alone, drink my beer pay the bill and leave, a pathetic picture that would make me feel even worse. After days not daring to try, I braced myself (required extra motivation) and tried it for the first time this evening. Big street, full of pubs, a lot of people drinking and talking, I had to decide quickly where to sit before looking weird and hesitant, and I picked a table outside, far from everybody...I just read a book, drank my beer and left (I'm so predictable). So I totally missed the point and didn't talk to anybody.

What should I do, just give up the idea because I'm inapt for this ? Drinking alone in a pub is pathetic ? Or should I go inside, at the counter ? Is it a good idea to try this in the district where I live ? I mean, if I make a fool of myself (which is very likely), I'll never dare to go out again...Any advice is welcome, I'm angry against myself for my ineptitude...

When I was a drinker and looking for company, I'd go to the bar/pub and shoot pool -- by myself if no one was on the table. You'll always get someone come up and offer a game, and that opens up the convo.

Another thing (and better if you're not much of a drinker) is finding a club devoted to things you like to do -- cycling, hiking, and so on -- and go on group excursions. You know you'll be with people who share at least one interest in common, and that eases opening any conversation (even if not for you, for the others who can help pull you out a little).
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20-05-2017, 06:02 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(20-05-2017 05:40 PM)Sturm Wrote:  But when you say "you just sit and wait for a bite", do you mean, I wait for somebody to talk to me, or I wait to find the right person to talk to ? I think being the one to start talking is the hardest part for me, I actually have only been able to do that twice in my whole life (and I'm 38...), it costed me an enormous effort. I thought getting older would make things easier, but it didn't change anything.

You wait for someone to show some interest and start a casual conversation, usually about something right in front of you. Then you branch out, depending on the response. Just see if you can enjoy conversing with the person. Half the fun is seeing where it goes. Don't worry about anything else at first, just get comfortable with casual conversation.

If you break the problem down into smaller pieces, it won't be so intimidating. Don't rush yourself. You just need practice.
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