Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
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20-05-2017, 06:31 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(20-05-2017 05:40 PM)Sturm Wrote:  I think I'm so terrified with the awkward situation that it prevents me from trying anything. This is stupid because being alone all the time is more painful than living an awkward moment, or making a fool of yourself, but for some reason, I find the awkward moment more terrifying. I'll take your advice and sit at the bar. You said "if you crash and burn, there's always other places and other people", but the city in which I live isn't very big (150 000 hab), I think you easily run across the same persons, and I think a lot of people know each other, so I fear if I crash when trying to talk to people to be quickly categorized. Should I try first in other places, or am I making it a bigger deal than it actually is ?

I suspect you're making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but that's part of the whole grief thing too, so overthinking things kind of goes with the territory. I grew up exclusively in small towns (I'm talking mostly three digit populations), but practically RAN for the city when I graduated High School and never looked back. I know how brutal it can be in smallish places though. The two big rules for me were 1) not to drink too much, and 2) avoid conversations about the ex (despite that being pretty much ALL I wanted to talk about when it was still so fresh). Your mileage may vary; it's scary, but we seldom learn near as much when we do things "right" (whatever that is).

Something to consider that isn't for everyone, but my ability to socialize dramatically improved after getting my dog. I had cats all through college and beyond, but I meet more interesting people and socialize so much more since getting my little muttifer (might even be part of the reason I'm so well liked in my neighborhood, despite being an open atheist smack-dab in the Bible belt); loneliness is minimized, most dogs love walking and it's great exercise, and you always have things to talk about with people who you meet while doing it. Pets are awesome therapy if you have the ability to have them.
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20-05-2017, 08:21 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
Volunteering for a cause you care about is great too.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-05-2017, 08:43 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
Do you want to meet people or learn to enjoy doing things by yourself or both?

I don't think you look pathetic. I don't think people care. Then again who knows what's in these idiots' heads. Now that I think about it when I get something to eat I'm often the only person eating alone. What the fuck? Are people afraid to go out to eat by themselves? I never really thought about it. Why would anyone give a shit if you have company or not?
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20-05-2017, 09:11 PM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
I like to go out by myself and watch people. When I used to travel a lot for business, I actually used to stay an extra day or two just so I could go out and explore by myself.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-05-2017, 09:19 PM
Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(20-05-2017 03:28 PM)Sturm Wrote:  Here is my situation : after a 15 years long relationship, I'm recently separated. I moved to the city and live now alone for the first time in my life. Even though I like it, I miss social contacts, sometimes I don't talk to anybody in days, so I would like to go out but my problem is, I'm socially inapt, I don't dare talking to anybody.

It's easier when I find a meetup to join, but that's still occasional, and sometimes I would just like to go out for a drink, especially as I live in the very center of the city, close to the pubs, but I dare not doing it, I know myself : I'll just sit alone, drink my beer pay the bill and leave, a pathetic picture that would make me feel even worse. After days not daring to try, I braced myself (required extra motivation) and tried it for the first time this evening. Big street, full of pubs, a lot of people drinking and talking, I had to decide quickly where to sit before looking weird and hesitant, and I picked a table outside, far from everybody...I just read a book, drank my beer and left (I'm so predictable). So I totally missed the point and didn't talk to anybody.

What should I do, just give up the idea because I'm inapt for this ? Drinking alone in a pub is pathetic ? Or should I go inside, at the counter ? Is it a good idea to try this in the district where I live ? I mean, if I make a fool of myself (which is very likely), I'll never dare to go out again...Any advice is welcome, I'm angry against myself for my ineptitude...


Get a super adorable puppy and everywhere you go people will want to talk to you to pet your puppy. It's magical.
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21-05-2017, 03:45 AM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
Thanks again all very much for your comments and advice Smile

(20-05-2017 05:43 PM)jennybee Wrote:  What about talking to people on here on Skype? I know there's a group of people who do that on here via the Skype thread. That way you get the experience of socializing without the pressure--then you may be able to carry that over into real life situations.

I like the idea, and find it scary at the same time. I didn't know there was a Skype thread, I'll look for it, thank you for the tip Smile

(20-05-2017 06:02 PM)Thoreauvian Wrote:  You wait for someone to show some interest and start a casual conversation, usually about something right in front of you. Then you branch out, depending on the response. Just see if you can enjoy conversing with the person. Half the fun is seeing where it goes. Don't worry about anything else at first, just get comfortable with casual conversation.

If you break the problem down into smaller pieces, it won't be so intimidating. Don't rush yourself. You just need practice.

Thank you for the advice Smile It sounds easy when you read it, but I think the starting a casual conversation part will be where I'll have the most difficulties. You're right, it probably just needs practice, I'll do want you suggest, going step by step, first, getting comfortable with casual conversation, that would already be a great achievement for me !

(20-05-2017 06:31 PM)Grauwyler Wrote:  I suspect you're making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but that's part of the whole grief thing too, so overthinking things kind of goes with the territory. I grew up exclusively in small towns (I'm talking mostly three digit populations), but practically RAN for the city when I graduated High School and never looked back. I know how brutal it can be in smallish places though. The two big rules for me were 1) not to drink too much, and 2) avoid conversations about the ex (despite that being pretty much ALL I wanted to talk about when it was still so fresh). Your mileage may vary; it's scary, but we seldom learn near as much when we do things "right" (whatever that is).

Ok, then the city where I live is much bigger than the small towns where you grew up, so I'm probably making a bigger deal out of it. I follow the same rules as you, the first, I already apply in everyday life, and the second, well, I don't want to be the guy who whines about his failed marriage (don't want to look like Steve Carell in Crazy, Stupid, Love), and you don't make friends by complaining all the time (something I seem to do a lot on this forum, sorry for that !).

(20-05-2017 06:31 PM)Grauwyler Wrote:  Something to consider that isn't for everyone, but my ability to socialize dramatically improved after getting my dog. I had cats all through college and beyond, but I meet more interesting people and socialize so much more since getting my little muttifer (might even be part of the reason I'm so well liked in my neighborhood, despite being an open atheist smack-dab in the Bible belt); loneliness is minimized, most dogs love walking and it's great exercise, and you always have things to talk about with people who you meet while doing it. Pets are awesome therapy if you have the ability to have them.

(20-05-2017 09:19 PM)KUSA Wrote:  Get a super adorable puppy and everywhere you go people will want to talk to you to pet your puppy. It's magical.

I definitely know what you mean since I have had a dog for the last 8 years. In my situation, it's not really possible, first because I live in a small apartment, and second, because my last experience with my dog didn't go very well. I adopted a 5 years all dog from a shelter in 2009, he was rather aggressive with other dogs, sometimes even with people, which is one of the reason we moved from the city to the countryside. He couldn't be left alone, otherwise he barked all the time and destroyed things. My wife and I stopped going on vacations (almost no vacation for the last 8 years), and stopped any social activities, which gave us basically nothing to look forward to. Now he lives with my wife since she kept the house, I still take him home often when my wife is out (he has been here during the day for the last 4 days), I love my dog, I like having him at home, but to be honest, on full time basis, I feel more free without him, I can leave the place and not fear any damage when I'm back, or not fear that the neighbors will get mad because he barked 4 hours in a row.

(20-05-2017 08:43 PM)ImFred Wrote:  Do you want to meet people or learn to enjoy doing things by yourself or both?

I would say both, it would be nice to meet people, to be able to talk to people, but even if I don't talk to people, I would also like to enjoy the moment without the constant fear of looking like an idiot.

(20-05-2017 08:43 PM)ImFred Wrote:  I don't think you look pathetic. I don't think people care. Then again who knows what's in these idiots' heads. Now that I think about it when I get something to eat I'm often the only person eating alone. What the fuck? Are people afraid to go out to eat by themselves? I never really thought about it. Why would anyone give a shit if you have company or not?

(20-05-2017 09:11 PM)Dom Wrote:  I like to go out by myself and watch people. When I used to travel a lot for business, I actually used to stay an extra day or two just so I could go out and explore by myself.

When I was still married and I was traveling for my work (it only happened a couple of times), it was much less a problem, I went to have diner alone in a restaurant and felt much less awkward about it. I think it was due to the fact I didn't expect anything, and would have avoided talking to women even if I had the opportunity (it would have made me feel guilty since I was married, even if that was just talking), I knew that if I made no move, nobody would talk to me, and since that was what I wanted, I felt more comfortable. Now it's rather the opposite, I have expectations, and would like to talk to people. I fear watching too much my surrounding would make me look like a womanizer looking for a prey, while I would actually be glad just to talk to people, not necessarily women (well, I wouldn't mind of course, but I'm also rather terrified by this for other reasons), so now I just don't even now out to behave in those situations to avoid looking weird.
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21-05-2017, 05:43 AM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
I figure you just gotta get to it and do it. Be you and try not to worry what others think. If 99 out of 100 for whatever stupid judgmental reason don't like the cut of your jib focus on that 1 person that does. I highly doubt your odds are bad like that. Just making the point, the haters are probably imaginary, but even if some are real, so what? Those aren't the people you're looking for. The people who will like you for you are out there. In the meantime, it's not a job. It's a journey not a destination. Enjoy yourself however the wind blows. Bring your book. Enjoy being you and doing you. 1 woman in a 100 is bound to dig that vibe. And that one has the sweetness you need!
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21-05-2017, 05:50 AM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
Meetup.com
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21-05-2017, 08:53 AM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
(21-05-2017 03:45 AM)Sturm Wrote:  Thanks again all very much for your comments and advice Smile

(20-05-2017 05:43 PM)jennybee Wrote:  What about talking to people on here on Skype? I know there's a group of people who do that on here via the Skype thread. That way you get the experience of socializing without the pressure--then you may be able to carry that over into real life situations.

I like the idea, and find it scary at the same time. I didn't know there was a Skype thread, I'll look for it, thank you for the tip Smile

(20-05-2017 06:02 PM)Thoreauvian Wrote:  You wait for someone to show some interest and start a casual conversation, usually about something right in front of you. Then you branch out, depending on the response. Just see if you can enjoy conversing with the person. Half the fun is seeing where it goes. Don't worry about anything else at first, just get comfortable with casual conversation.

If you break the problem down into smaller pieces, it won't be so intimidating. Don't rush yourself. You just need practice.

Thank you for the advice Smile It sounds easy when you read it, but I think the starting a casual conversation part will be where I'll have the most difficulties. You're right, it probably just needs practice, I'll do want you suggest, going step by step, first, getting comfortable with casual conversation, that would already be a great achievement for me !

(20-05-2017 06:31 PM)Grauwyler Wrote:  I suspect you're making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but that's part of the whole grief thing too, so overthinking things kind of goes with the territory. I grew up exclusively in small towns (I'm talking mostly three digit populations), but practically RAN for the city when I graduated High School and never looked back. I know how brutal it can be in smallish places though. The two big rules for me were 1) not to drink too much, and 2) avoid conversations about the ex (despite that being pretty much ALL I wanted to talk about when it was still so fresh). Your mileage may vary; it's scary, but we seldom learn near as much when we do things "right" (whatever that is).

Ok, then the city where I live is much bigger than the small towns where you grew up, so I'm probably making a bigger deal out of it. I follow the same rules as you, the first, I already apply in everyday life, and the second, well, I don't want to be the guy who whines about his failed marriage (don't want to look like Steve Carell in Crazy, Stupid, Love), and you don't make friends by complaining all the time (something I seem to do a lot on this forum, sorry for that !).

(20-05-2017 06:31 PM)Grauwyler Wrote:  Something to consider that isn't for everyone, but my ability to socialize dramatically improved after getting my dog. I had cats all through college and beyond, but I meet more interesting people and socialize so much more since getting my little muttifer (might even be part of the reason I'm so well liked in my neighborhood, despite being an open atheist smack-dab in the Bible belt); loneliness is minimized, most dogs love walking and it's great exercise, and you always have things to talk about with people who you meet while doing it. Pets are awesome therapy if you have the ability to have them.

(20-05-2017 09:19 PM)KUSA Wrote:  Get a super adorable puppy and everywhere you go people will want to talk to you to pet your puppy. It's magical.

I definitely know what you mean since I have had a dog for the last 8 years. In my situation, it's not really possible, first because I live in a small apartment, and second, because my last experience with my dog didn't go very well. I adopted a 5 years all dog from a shelter in 2009, he was rather aggressive with other dogs, sometimes even with people, which is one of the reason we moved from the city to the countryside. He couldn't be left alone, otherwise he barked all the time and destroyed things. My wife and I stopped going on vacations (almost no vacation for the last 8 years), and stopped any social activities, which gave us basically nothing to look forward to. Now he lives with my wife since she kept the house, I still take him home often when my wife is out (he has been here during the day for the last 4 days), I love my dog, I like having him at home, but to be honest, on full time basis, I feel more free without him, I can leave the place and not fear any damage when I'm back, or not fear that the neighbors will get mad because he barked 4 hours in a row.

(20-05-2017 08:43 PM)ImFred Wrote:  Do you want to meet people or learn to enjoy doing things by yourself or both?

I would say both, it would be nice to meet people, to be able to talk to people, but even if I don't talk to people, I would also like to enjoy the moment without the constant fear of looking like an idiot.

(20-05-2017 08:43 PM)ImFred Wrote:  I don't think you look pathetic. I don't think people care. Then again who knows what's in these idiots' heads. Now that I think about it when I get something to eat I'm often the only person eating alone. What the fuck? Are people afraid to go out to eat by themselves? I never really thought about it. Why would anyone give a shit if you have company or not?

(20-05-2017 09:11 PM)Dom Wrote:  I like to go out by myself and watch people. When I used to travel a lot for business, I actually used to stay an extra day or two just so I could go out and explore by myself.

When I was still married and I was traveling for my work (it only happened a couple of times), it was much less a problem, I went to have diner alone in a restaurant and felt much less awkward about it. I think it was due to the fact I didn't expect anything, and would have avoided talking to women even if I had the opportunity (it would have made me feel guilty since I was married, even if that was just talking), I knew that if I made no move, nobody would talk to me, and since that was what I wanted, I felt more comfortable. Now it's rather the opposite, I have expectations, and would like to talk to people. I fear watching too much my surrounding would make me look like a womanizer looking for a prey, while I would actually be glad just to talk to people, not necessarily women (well, I wouldn't mind of course, but I'm also rather terrified by this for other reasons), so now I just don't even now out to behave in those situations to avoid looking weird.

I think the thread might be in the Intro area, at least that's where I'm pretty sure I remember it being before.
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21-05-2017, 08:59 AM
RE: Has anybody experience in going out alone ?
I don't have any experience with going out at all. I like my basement best. Why would I ever want to go out?

#sigh
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