Poll: Did you ever find yourself settling for a relationship?
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Have you ever settled in a relationship?
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03-06-2017, 08:31 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
Me... was married for 15 years, now divorced for 35 years, but in a relationship for past 25 years.

Ex wife remarried 20 years ago, but we still keep in regular contact as our divorce was amicable, with no ongoing hard feelings. And—maybe surprisingly to some—I enjoyed all those 15 married years.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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03-06-2017, 08:33 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I"m going to go against the prevailing grain here and suggest something that's probably going to be anathema to many readers:

Everyone settles, in one way or another.

There is no "perfect" person, just as there's no such thing as a "soul mate". It just doesn't exist.

We're all a collection of foibles and assets, diamonds and coal. That's what makes us human. To say to one's self (or others), "I won't settle in a relationship" sounds an awful lot like, "I want Mr/Ms Perfect, and they have to remain perfect the way I want them to and only change in the way I want, with my permission."

That's a recipe for living a lonely life, because nobody is going to be your "soul mate" or perfect match. People change with time, experiences, relationships, children, etc. What might be the perfect person today will be different tomorrow.

Lastly, I find it amusing sometimes when people say, "I won't settle" and then in the same breath get upset or irritated because they get turned down for a date because the other person thinks they're too big/small/tall/short/whatever. Somehow that's "shallow"; they don't see the irony.

The most important aspects in a relationship, IMO and experience, are a healthy sex drive, being of like mind when it comes to money, kids and career, and having a healthy respectful distance from parents. If you've got those things in common, then that's a strong foundation. Nothing guarantees success, of course, but it's a damn good place to start. Everything else - height, weight, hair colour, shoe size, whatever - is dust in the wind.
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03-06-2017, 09:03 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
My first wife and I did not share enough in common. Our marriage lasted 7 years, until I decided I would rather live alone for the rest of my life if that was the only other option. After we divorced, I was single for another 6 years, during which I didn't date. I met my present wife through correspondence about a common interest, dated her long-distance by flying to see her, then moved 1450 miles to live with her after we were married. In combination, we are a great team. I just wish I had skipped my first marriage altogether.
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03-06-2017, 09:25 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 09:03 PM)Thoreauvian Wrote:  My first wife and I did not share enough in common. Our marriage lasted 7 years, until I decided I would rather live alone for the rest of my life if that was the only other option. After we divorced, I was single for another 6 years, during which I didn't date. I met my present wife through correspondence about a common interest, dated her long-distance by flying to see her, then moved 1450 miles to live with her after we were married. In combination, we are a great team. I just wish I had skipped my first marriage altogether.

I think you hit the nail on the head--you need things in common (or at least be in a rship w. someone who has a desire to explore your interests and vice versa.)
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03-06-2017, 09:29 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 06:09 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(03-06-2017 06:06 PM)kim Wrote:  Settled for what?

Less than you deserve.

In this there's an unintended yet implicit assumption that one knows what one deserves... and that this is a fixed baseline that won't change.

Consider



(03-06-2017 08:33 PM)Heath_Tierney Wrote:  I"m going to go against the prevailing grain here and suggest something that's probably going to be anathema to many readers:

Everyone settles, in one way or another.

There is no "perfect" person, just as there's no such thing as a "soul mate". It just doesn't exist.

We're all a collection of foibles and assets, diamonds and coal. That's what makes us human. To say to one's self (or others), "I won't settle in a relationship" sounds an awful lot like, "I want Mr/Ms Perfect, and they have to remain perfect the way I want them to and only change in the way I want, with my permission."

That's a recipe for living a lonely life, because nobody is going to be your "soul mate" or perfect match. People change with time, experiences, relationships, children, etc. What might be the perfect person today will be different tomorrow.

Lastly, I find it amusing sometimes when people say, "I won't settle" and then in the same breath get upset or irritated because they get turned down for a date because the other person thinks they're too big/small/tall/short/whatever. Somehow that's "shallow"; they don't see the irony.

The most important aspects in a relationship, IMO and experience, are a healthy sex drive, being of like mind when it comes to money, kids and career, and having a healthy respectful distance from parents. If you've got those things in common, then that's a strong foundation. Nothing guarantees success, of course, but it's a damn good place to start. Everything else - height, weight, hair colour, shoe size, whatever - is dust in the wind.

Exactly.

Added to that there are different categories of relationship.

It may be advantageous to find a strategic relationship (partner) who can accommodate one's need to fill gaps with a number of tactical relationships (friends).

As long as there is sufficient openness/trust with one's strategic partner the other relationship can complement the changing baseline of 'deserts'.

(03-06-2017 07:15 PM)ghostexorcist Wrote:  ...
I'm going to Taiwan to study Chinese for a year (something that was in the works well before the breakup). I've told my family and friends that I'm hoping to major in Asian vagina while I'm there.

Wanna borrow some course notes?

Wink

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03-06-2017, 09:32 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 06:09 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(03-06-2017 06:06 PM)kim Wrote:  Settled for what?

Less than you deserve.

What do you deserve or maybe a better way to phrase this, is what do you think you deserve?


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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03-06-2017, 09:33 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
oops...

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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03-06-2017, 09:45 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 09:32 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(03-06-2017 06:09 PM)jennybee Wrote:  Less than you deserve.

What do you deserve or maybe a better way to phrase this, is what do you think you deserve?

I think I would have phrased it, ... settle for what you feel you didn't deserve. At least, that's what my answer goes with. Hindsight and all that. Wink

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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03-06-2017, 09:47 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 08:03 PM)Robvalue Wrote:  @Ghost: That's terrible, I'm very sad to hear someone could treat you that way Sad

(03-06-2017 06:35 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Coming from an abusive family I didn't know that there was any other way than to settle.

My second husband is a prime example. My first husband died in a car accident and I met and married my second husband before I should have ever even dated. I knew very early on that he was a cheater and a liar. But I already had one marriage under my belt and was determined to not screw up. I overlooked a lot. We added a son to my two daughters only to find out years later that while I was pregnant with our son he was getting someone else pregnant. I stuck it out for seven years and finally said 'Uncle'. There were too many affairs, too many lies, too much hurt and disappointment.

After that I was simply in survival mode...where I have stayed for 25 years.

I envy people who have healthy relationships. It's not been part of my experience.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through Heart

Thank you...just life in my world.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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03-06-2017, 09:53 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I married ths lady and within months she was accusing me of everything imaginable. Even when she "caught" me talking toa 14 yea old boy she new he was m gay friend! So I did verything possible to appease her. I worked construction and at the end of my work day I wold go to her beauty salon ans sit in the back where her cliens couldn't seeme and wait for her 9:00 PM quitting time. DId tha help? NO not at all, like he says don't do it it cannot be good for either one, run away,escape, slip out the back Jack etc...
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