Poll: Did you ever find yourself settling for a relationship?
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Have you ever settled in a relationship?
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03-06-2017, 10:02 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
After reading some comments, I will add...any relationship requires adjustments to the other person's attitudes, needs and appetites. I'm not going to say that, in the 36 years I have been married to my wife, that we haven't had our differences and some hellacious arguments. I'd have to say that the bottom line is making it work. If a partner isn't going to make some sort of adjustment for the other, it's going to be an uncomfortable time. That is, of course, assuming that it is an on-par relationship. If there is a big power asymmetry in the relationship, all kinds of crap can happen. Take an authoritarian paternal relationship like espoused ( Laughat ) in the buy-bull. There are men and women in that sort of situation, both buy-bull believers, and the woman will subjugate herself per that belief, expecting her husband to dominate. One thing I got into early in our marriage was to not allow my wife to ask me to tell her what to do. I think that both people should be independent, but rely on their partner's input, and then make an independent decision. Hopefully that decision is for the better of the family. But I will never dictate what my wife should do. Unless it involves getting out the nearest window, in case of fire. Yes
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03-06-2017, 10:06 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 10:02 PM)Fireball Wrote:  After reading some comments, I will add...any relationship requires adjustments to the other person's attitudes, needs and appetites. I'm not going to say that, in the 36 years I have been married to my wife, that we haven't had our differences and some hellacious arguments. I'd have to say that the bottom line is making it work. If a partner isn't going to make some sort of adjustment for the other, it's going to be an uncomfortable time. That is, of course, assuming that it is an on-par relationship. If there is a big power asymmetry in the relationship, all kinds of crap can happen. Take an authoritarian paternal relationship like espoused ( Laughat ) in the buy-bull. There are men and women in that sort of situation, both buy-bull believers, and the woman will subjugate herself per that belief, expecting her husband to dominate. One thing I got into early in our marriage was to not allow my wife to ask me to tell her what to do. I think that both people should be independent, but rely on their partner's input, and then make an independent decision. Hopefully that decision is for the better of the family. But I will never dictate what my wife should do. Unless it involves getting out the nearest window, in case of fire. Yes

I agree that rships go in waves and get stuck in rough patches. I'm in a rough patch now and hoping we get through it. I'm hoping for more good than bad.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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03-06-2017, 10:41 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 09:45 PM)kim Wrote:  I think I would have phrased it, ... settle for what you feel you didn't deserve.
That was my impression of what was being asked in the original post.
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03-06-2017, 10:44 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 10:41 PM)Clockwork Wrote:  
(03-06-2017 09:45 PM)kim Wrote:  I think I would have phrased it, ... settle for what you feel you didn't deserve.
That was my impression of what was being asked in the original post.

I like the way Kim phrased it Thumbsup

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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04-06-2017, 06:20 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 10:06 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I agree that rships go in waves and get stuck in rough patches. I'm in a rough patch now and hoping we get through it. I'm hoping for more good than bad.

I'm sorry you're in a rough patch at the moment.

Just a thought: hope is good to have, but it needs to be accompanied by effort. One can hope to have, say, a nice garden, but unless you're making an effort in maintaining it by picking weeds and trimming back the deadfall, it's just going to become a mess.
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04-06-2017, 06:34 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(04-06-2017 06:20 AM)Heath_Tierney Wrote:  
(03-06-2017 10:06 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I agree that rships go in waves and get stuck in rough patches. I'm in a rough patch now and hoping we get through it. I'm hoping for more good than bad.

I'm sorry you're in a rough patch at the moment.

Just a thought: hope is good to have, but it needs to be accompanied by effort. One can hope to have, say, a nice garden, but unless you're making an effort in maintaining it by picking weeds and trimming back the deadfall, it's just going to become a mess.

Thank you and good advice. Thumbsup

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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04-06-2017, 06:56 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(03-06-2017 06:37 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I don't sleep in the same bed as my bf and haven't for awhile. Although, we still have sex on occasion, it's more like a going through the motions thing. I understand why you are staying together for the kids. I think you have to do what feels right to you guys and not base your decisions on what others say is the best thing to do.

I don't understand that, it seems to me that if you guys don't even like to sleep in the same bed together, that your relationship has become an unhappy one? Why stick it through? Are you hoping that it gets better eventually? And haven't we been here before, in the previous relationship of your as well? It all feel a bit deja vu to me.

I would hate for there to be a day that I would prefer to sleep in separate beds with my wife.

As far as the settling question goes. I don't think I've ever settled, I've dated a lot, and most of the women were great to me, and treated me far better then I deserved to be, and I was pretty lousy to them. Though I don't think any of them would have been good marriages either.

Me and my wife have been together for close to 10 years now, and though I don't believe in soul mates, I could not imagine life with anyone else. If one day I found myself unhappy in my marriage, the problem is likely to be more me than her.

I do have a sister whose a recent divorcee, back on the dating scene. And I'm always worried she's gonna end up another divorce stat, end up in second failed marriage, as the numbers predict. But the one real word of advice I always share with her, is that you should put a lot more stock in the basic kindness, and less in aspects like excitement, and spontaneity. With kindness and love there's a foundation to grow from, a relation to blossom wonderfully, while everything else is likely to fade over time. More a gimmick to reel you in, and sell hallmark cards, then the stuff of lasting meaningful relationships.

"Tell me, muse, of the storyteller who has been thrust to the edge of the world, both an infant and an ancient, and through him reveal everyman." ---Homer the aged poet.

"In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."
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04-06-2017, 07:41 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(04-06-2017 06:56 AM)Tomasia Wrote:  
(03-06-2017 06:37 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I don't sleep in the same bed as my bf and haven't for awhile. Although, we still have sex on occasion, it's more like a going through the motions thing. I understand why you are staying together for the kids. I think you have to do what feels right to you guys and not base your decisions on what others say is the best thing to do.

I don't understand that, it seems to me that if you guys don't even like to sleep in the same bed together, that your relationship has become an unhappy one? Why stick it through? Are you hoping that it gets better eventually? And haven't we been here before, in the previous relationship of your as well? It all feel a bit deja vu to me.

I would hate for there to be a day that I would prefer to sleep in separate beds with my wife.

As far as the settling question goes. I don't think I've ever settled, I've dated a lot, and most of the women were great to me, and treated me far better then I deserved to be, and I was pretty lousy to them. Though I don't think any of them would have been good marriages either.

Me and my wife have been together for close to 10 years now, and though I don't believe in soul mates, I could not imagine life with anyone else. If one day I found myself unhappy in my marriage, the problem is likely to be more me than her.

I do have a sister whose a recent divorcee, back on the dating scene. And I'm always worried she's gonna end up another divorce stat, end up in second failed marriage, as the numbers predict. But the one real word of advice I always share with her, is that you should put a lot more stock in the basic kindness, and less in aspects like excitement, and spontaneity. With kindness and love there's a foundation to grow from, a relation to blossom wonderfully, while everything else is likely to fade over time. More a gimmick to reel you in, and sell hallmark cards, then the stuff of lasting meaningful relationships.

This is actually the same rship. And you are right, it's currently not the best rship-wise. Things go in waves in our rship--it's good, then meh, then bad, then good, then meh, then bad. I stay because people tell me rships sometimes fall into rough patches and we do love each other and have built a life together. I'm currently not staying in the same bedroom because things are not the best and I just want to coexist and not argue. It also allows me to better reflect on things. At some point, I'll go back to my old bedroom, but for now, I just need my space. I do think things will get better (since I know we both want that and are willing to work towards that), I just need to ride this rough patch out.

I was doing a meditation practice the other day, and the instructor said when things get rough just remember "Weather." Things, emotions, circumstances always change, the rain goes away and the sun comes out. You just need to ride out the rain in life and see what happens next. Nothing in life ever remains static.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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04-06-2017, 08:34 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
My first marriage was a roller coaster, we were very young and then his tumor pressed on parts of his brain and he became unpredictable. Took a while to get diagnosed. Cancer took him after 10 years.

Then I dated someone for 3 months before he moved in. Three months later, when he came home at night drunk, he found all his stuff out on the porch, doors and windows locked, and songs like "hit the road, Jack" blasting on the stereo inside.

My second marriage was a lot more mature. Yes, we had some fights, especially in the first 5 years. But the underlying theme of the relationship was: "I got your back". Regardless of what either of us wanted to pursue, the other supported it. That meant that at times each would be supporting something they didn't agree with or didn't like.

It let us both grow in whatever direction we chose. The longer we were together, the closer we grew. We were true partners. I am convinced that the best theme for a long term life partnership is to have each other's back, unconditionally. Everything else tends to fall into place.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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04-06-2017, 08:45 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(04-06-2017 07:41 AM)jennybee Wrote:  . I do think things will get better (since I know we both want that and are willing to work towards that), I just need to ride this rough patch out.

I was doing a meditation practice the other day, and the instructor said when things get rough just remember "Weather." Things, emotions, circumstances always change, the rain goes away and the sun comes out. You just need to ride out the rain in life and see what happens next. Nothing in life ever remains static.

I don't know perhaps after my sister's divorce, and a close friends failed marriage, I'm cynical when it comes to relationships that seem to repeat the same problems. They far often tend to get worse than better, even when both parties hope for it to work out. An older version of myself might have suggested the ole, ride it out, it gets better. But being the the last two relationship I shared that advised with failed, it doesn't seem as true, as we might hope it would be. It seems better not to waste more time in a failing relationship than need be. I mean at least you're just dating, and not married, or have kids involved.

If you're planning on sticking it through, then maybe it's better to think of what the roots cause of the rough patch is, whether it's really solvable, whether both of you recognize what that is, whether it's just gonna rear its head in from time to time, etc...

"Tell me, muse, of the storyteller who has been thrust to the edge of the world, both an infant and an ancient, and through him reveal everyman." ---Homer the aged poet.

"In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."
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