Poll: Did you ever find yourself settling for a relationship?
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Have you ever settled in a relationship?
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04-06-2017, 09:37 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I turned 50 last year, and have never been married although I had one "live-in" 8-year LTR that qualifies as "common-law" and I generally refer to her as my "ex-wife" even though were were never technically married. I still tell people that we had six really great years together, with two more in order to figure out six was all we were getting; in reality, we were probably a disaster all along and just had a really long honeymoon period. I grew a lot as a person, and can't say as I have any substantial regrets about it, but haven't had any particular inclination to enter into anything that serious again either.

As much as I'd like to say that the previous attempts (never anyone lasting more than a few months) were "settling" ...I suspect the problem lied more in what I was looking for in a relationship, than problems with the other party. I had no really good role-models growing up, and my parents "example" was more about a wife who catered to her husbands every whim; no real "give and take" to speak of, just what I see as a pretense of pretending to be "Ward and June" and present the appearance of being the model preacher's family. My sister and next older brother's marriages have the familiar tinge of seeming like they are trying really hard to convince everyone else how perfect and happy they are, when they're really a slow-motion train wreck. Ironically, my oldest brother and his husband of 6 six years (7 in August) seem to be the only ones even approaching "healthy" although he admits the success is largely due to merely "finding a level of crazy" that compliments his own nicely. I love spending holidays with them, as there is never an ounce of "pretense" in sight.

So although I'm the LAST person it would be a good idea to take relationship advice from, and as much as I hate to start sounding Buddhist, it's my belief that managing expectations is probably a key component. It seems that "settling" eventually leads to a lot of bottled up resentment that will eventually explode.

When my relationship was in free-fall, the aforementioned oldest brother had a cancer surgery and asked if I would come down and keep him company during his convalescence. He later admitted that he just wanted to get me away from her for a little while so I'd be able to reflect (something for which I'm eternally grateful to him for). After some time apart, we were able to see the problems a little more clearly, and were able to split amicably and retain a modicum of friendship until her untimely death a few years ago. I think if we'd tried to hold it together much longer than we had, we'd have never even had that.
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04-06-2017, 09:44 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I almost settled but then I wised up and dumped the guy. I'm so glad I did because I'd never have met my husband and had this great relationship . I pinch myself sometimes, thinking I'm living in a fairytale but it's not....it's real!

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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04-06-2017, 12:27 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
Thank you everyone for all your advice and comments Smile
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04-06-2017, 12:58 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I hope you can get through the rough patch, jenny bee, whatever the outcome may be. Hang in there ((hugs))

"If you don't have a seat at the table, you're probably on the menu."

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04-06-2017, 01:17 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
(04-06-2017 12:58 PM)ShadowProject Wrote:  I hope you can get through the rough patch, jenny bee, whatever the outcome may be. Hang in there ((hugs))

Me too and I think we can. I can see him making an effort already Smile
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04-06-2017, 01:37 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I keep being told that I settled, but I don't honestly think I did. I come from a family full of advanced degrees, and he didn't even finish high school. I'm the "smart one" in the relationship, but he's the confident one. He walks into a room and he owns that fucking room. I read fiction for fun, he believes everything he reads on facebook Laugh out load. I think being happy with yourself is a very important part of being happy in a relationship. If you require another person to be happy you're placing an undue burden on your partner. It's much easier and more satisfying to make someone happy when they're not counting on you to do it day after day.

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06-06-2017, 03:32 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I don't know if it was so much settling as it was a case of a rebound I let go on way too long. This is ancient history now, about 20 years ago, a while before I met my wife. I had dated someone for over a year and it was my first "real" relationship, although looking back probably stuck in that one too long as well. That one didn't end too well and while I didn't flip out or anything, my friends thought I should immediately start dating again. In hindsight that was bad advice.

So my friend set me up with the friend of his girlfriend, and we went on a double date. Looking back I should just told him she just wasn't my type after that, but for whatever reason I kept going out with them on weekends and then suddenly we're going out alone. This went on almost 6 months, and it got to the point where I didn't even know why I was still doing it. I wasn't even physically attracted to her and I never tried to be intimate in any way. And she was boring to me, we had little in common, yet for some reason I went to see her every weekend. I waited until one night we got into a "fight" which is funny because it was the first and only time we argued and it was over something very petty. The next day she called and I was like "Yeah I just don't like you, sorry" and was pretty cold about it. I felt bad forever about it.
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07-06-2017, 02:37 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I "settled" for my ex, who in turn was my first proper girlfriend.

I've mentioned it briefly on here before, but I was a bit of a late starter and didn't really get a "proper" girlfriend until I was about 16/17. She was pretty much the first girl I kissed/slept with, and as I'd never really been through the whole love thing before, I thought I must be in love, because somebody likes me....therefore I must reciprocate.

We lasted about a year before she mentally destroyed me. Emotional blackmail, tried getting pregnant on purpose as she lied about contraception, was generally a horrible person, had no knowledge of like "the real world, and was a bit of a racist as well. She had a lot of personal demons that I tried helping her with, and again as I thought I loved her, I let a lot of stuff slide...that was until I hit 18 and started going out with my friends (18 is legal drinking age) and with her being like a month younger than me, she really resented the fact I was out without her...and I kind of realised everything that people had been saying (my friends + family, all of which I'd alienated by sticking up for her) were 100% right, and she was a complete nut job who was latching onto me and I did deserve better.

She didn't take the break up too well, and I even tried to stay friends with her. This lasted about 5 minutes when she started bragging about all the guys she'd been seeing (to which I was happy for her, although I see this was to get my attention) and when finding out I was dating somebody, went off on a bit of a rant because she knew her some how.

Yeah...that sucked, and I should not have settled for her and stuck it out. The only plus is that shortly after I met my wife, and we've been together ever since Smile

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07-06-2017, 03:55 AM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
Also, advice post:

I've been with my wife for 11 years in total, 4 of which have been under marriage. It's been a long ride. Many downs on the way, but it just depends what you can take and if you honestly think it'll change.

For example: about 2 years into the relationship, my wife [then just girlfriend] was getting hugely "suspicious" of me. I was going out with my dad once every 2 weeks, (and still do), on a Sunday afternoon for a catch up and a drink. For some unknown reason, she though I was off doing all sorts, as my dad has/had a bit of a reputation from when he was younger. In her thoughts I was taking drugs and sleeping with random women...for reasons I'll never know.

This went on for a long time,(two years), basically until I blew up at her and told her that I give her my trust to do whatever she likes without questions, and if she can't do the same, then it's bye bye from me because I was at the end of my rope at the time. Up until then she had never seen me raise my voice or become angry about anything, so was kind of "shocked" into coming around and letting me get on with it. We still have issues every now and again, but for the most part it's over really trivial "first world problems" that I have no time for anyway.

The reason I put up with her garbage attitude for 2 years, is because I believed that wasn't the real her, and that she could change. Luckily, with a bit of input from myself, that turned out to be true. But I know of other friends who couldn't wait for their partners to realise this and moved on.

I suppose the bottom line is this: YOU as a person need to be happy. I come from a "broken home" and if anything that inspired me to make a go of things and try to work through the tough times. Yet it also told me that sometimes, it just doesn't work out and that's ok as well. You in yourself need to be happy/healthy and not have to deal with other peoples shit all the time. Especially if you have it out, like you should, and nothing changes. In my case, it was partly my own fault for waiting so long to say something, but things did and have changed.

Sleeping apart is a terrible thing, in my personal opinion. If I ever felt the need to not sleep next to the person I love, I don't see what the point would be of living there either. I want to be next to my wife at all times, holding hands/hugging/just sitting near her, as I love her dearly. My In-laws sleep apart, and barely talk to each other as well, which I think is a crying shame. I'd rather be apart and happy than forceful together and unhappy.

Also: re the sex bit - Sex is great. I mean....not many people will argue against that. BUT it shouldn't be something you just "do". I have a good sex life, but we're not doing it all the time. It's not the lynch pin of any relationship really, and you should just be doing that "when the mood strikes you"

TL;DR - Give it a go, but if things don't change, move on and be happy.

"I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner" - Rick
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08-06-2017, 04:53 PM
RE: Have you ever settled in a relationship?
I don't know, my wife and I have only cohabited for 40 years now so I don't know if we've settled into a relationship yet.

Today is the best day of my life and tomorrow will be even better.
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