Having to pray
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19-01-2015, 12:39 AM
RE: Having to pray
I guess just try to tough it out until the circumstances are more in your favor.
Shit sandwich and all that...just hold on until you can afford a better restaurant. Thumbsup
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19-01-2015, 10:38 AM
Having to pray
I think you should just Wait until you're done with university then tell him that way if it does anger him you have nothing to lose
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19-01-2015, 11:35 AM
RE: Having to pray
The mind is a wonderful thing. Think up some one size fits all prayer but while you're doing it, give the words a whole other meaning to yourself. Then you'll be smirking on the inside Wink
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19-01-2015, 08:45 PM
RE: Having to pray
Hey there,

So sorry to hear about your predicament. I generally hesitate to give advice regarding parents because every family is different. Do you have siblings or other family members you might feel more comfortable confiding in, rather than your parents (for the time being, at least)? I talked with my brother about everything before I told my mom and dad, and that gave me a little more confidence.
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20-01-2015, 02:40 PM
RE: Having to pray
(19-01-2015 11:35 AM)Whimsymum Wrote:  The mind is a wonderful thing. Think up some one size fits all prayer but while you're doing it, give the words a whole other meaning to yourself. Then you'll be smirking on the inside Wink

I love your idea. Big Grin I can pray that god gives me the strength to deal with the toxic people in my life and that his life will improve so he will leave me alone. Also I can pray for graduation. Smartass
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20-01-2015, 02:43 PM
RE: Having to pray
(20-01-2015 02:40 PM)Beteljuice01 Wrote:  
(19-01-2015 11:35 AM)Whimsymum Wrote:  The mind is a wonderful thing. Think up some one size fits all prayer but while you're doing it, give the words a whole other meaning to yourself. Then you'll be smirking on the inside Wink

I love your idea. Big Grin I can pray that god gives me the strength to deal with the toxic people in my life and that his life will improve so he will leave me alone. Also I can pray for graduation. Smartass

You know, this made me think about praying and why I don't care so much about it. For me, it is an empty ritual.

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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20-01-2015, 03:22 PM
RE: Having to pray
(19-01-2015 12:31 AM)gofish! Wrote:  Thanks for your answers.

I won't tell what is right and wrong here: sounds like you have one too many people doing that. Smile But I will tell what I would do in your shoes.

Firstly, accept that there are assholes in this world and that the laws of probability mean that some will inevitably show up in your family. It ain't your fault or anybody else's. I have a psychopath for a brother, so have that to deal with in my life.

Knowing what I am dealing with helps me with the next part: only you can decide whether you would follow the same path. If he were my father and promised me a college education, I would hold him to that promise. If he were holding me hostage to his beliefs (thankfully my father never did), I would consider that an act of bad faith and an abuse of both his position as father and of the aid he is providing.

Now how you use that to justify what happens next is up to you, but give the situation you've described, I would keep my head down, get through these remaining semesters and make sure you pass. I would also avail myself of this forum, especially the rant section. Only you can say whether you can bear it that long, but we're usually far stronger than we think and you have us to turn to. Smile

My view here is that this is like a contract: he helps you and gets his chance to OFFER you his worldview. Not much you can do about that IF you accept his help. But that doesn't mean you have to let it corrupt you and it doesn't mean you are wrong for seeing out the contract, if that is what you need to do. It certainly doesn't give him any rights after college (quite the opposite).

Everyday, people find themselves in jobs where they find themselves in abusive situation (me too, in the past). My advice is always to be pragmatic: plan to move away from a situation that makes you unhappy without prejudicing your own situation.

I would then thank him for his help, keep a cool head and then give yourself some time to decide whether or not it is even relevant to tell him anything about your position. Because by then you'll be free to choose your life and it may no longer be important to you to vent at him.

If it is, then go ahead. But I would wait. Why?

Well I found once I understood what my brother is, I no longer felt it necessary to be in conflict with him. You may feel differently about your father, but maybe you won't. You describe your father in terms of psychopathy and if that is a genuine concern, then do some research into the spectrum (Anti Social Behaviour Disorder, to be precise) and you may find that information helps you more than any venting (it certainly helped me).

As for your mother, that's a separate discussion.

I'm sure my colleagues here will pull me up on any ethical concerns, but I just happen to think you're within your rights to take control of this situation on terms that do not prejudice your studies.

My dad has some real issues and most of the time I can placate him until he no longer wants to use me as validation of his greatness. But currently, his attitude and other problems are coming down on him. When that happens, every few years everything starts to fall apart again because the new people he's gathered around him won't listen to his bullshit anymore and they want their money back. Since I am the only child he has that will speak to him and my sisters have all messed up their lives in his eyes, I am his last chance to get it right. Even if he never had the son he wanted.

He is the type of person how lies and deludes until he believes it all and if a person challenges him, he tries to twist things to his world view. He can get violent and cruel at times which why I try to distance myself from him. He wouldn't hit me. My mother put the fear of nonexistence god in him when he punched through a door in her house because she comforted him once. She threatened to torch him with hairspray and a lighter and made him fix the door. He will do anything he can up to the point of physical violence if thing don't go his way with me however.

I already know he is mentally unbalanced and the narcissus comment was not me being facetious. There is a f Censored ked up story for another time about a ex girlfriend of his that is a psychiatrist that I was forced to see. The end result was I found out that they were dating and everything I told her, she told him. Years later I have spoken to her and even though he would never set for a session himself she is pretty dCensoredn sure he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I do take what she says with a grain of salt being that she told me this because I didn't speak to anyone about the confidentiality misconduct but people know him would agree.

I don't do what he wants all the time so he likes to find way to punish me. That is just how he is. As for people to speak to. He's has made sure to do distance between my sisters and I because I was part of his do over family. Their mother hates mine and my sisters resent me because they think I got something they didn't from him. I have plenty of friends but I don't really have any family I can speak to.
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20-01-2015, 03:52 PM
RE: Having to pray
(20-01-2015 03:22 PM)Beteljuice01 Wrote:  My dad has some real issues and most of the time I can placate him until he no longer wants to use me as validation of his greatness. But currently, his attitude and other problems are coming down on him. When that happens, every few years everything starts to fall apart again because the new people he's gathered around him won't listen to his bullshit anymore and they want their money back. Since I am the only child he has that will speak to him and my sisters have all messed up their lives in his eyes, I am his last chance to get it right. Even if he never had the son he wanted.

He is the type of person how lies and deludes until he believes it all and if a person challenges him, he tries to twist things to his world view. He can get violent and cruel at times which why I try to distance myself from him. He wouldn't hit me. My mother put the fear of nonexistence god in him when he punched through a door in her house because she comforted him once. She threatened to torch him with hairspray and a lighter and made him fix the door. He will do anything he can up to the point of physical violence if thing don't go his way with me however.

Wow, that sounds so familiar. Have you seriously considered that he might be ASBD? As a thought exercise, you might want to try rating him against the Checklist.

I'm less concerned here with pretending to be a psychiatrist: I happen to find it easier to deal with my psychopathic brother through an understanding of his condition. Now, I treat him a little like a wild dog: I don't hate him, but I'm careful. More importantly, my knowledge of his condition helps me avoid feeling the hatred that is the other side of love.

(20-01-2015 03:22 PM)Beteljuice01 Wrote:  I already know he is mentally unbalanced and the narcissus comment was not me being facetious. There is a f Censored ked up story for another time about a ex girlfriend of his that is a psychiatrist that I was forced to see. The end result was I found out that they were dating and everything I told her, she told him. Years later I have spoken to her and even though he would never set for a session himself she is pretty dCensoredn sure he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I do take what she says with a grain of salt being that she told me this because I didn't speak to anyone about the confidentiality misconduct but people know him would agree.

Firstly, you can say "fucked" here if you wish. Smile

Being sceptical of what she says (and me too) is good, but there's no harm in testing this theory.

(20-01-2015 03:22 PM)Beteljuice01 Wrote:  I don't do what he wants all the time so he likes to find way to punish me. That is just how he is. As for people to speak to. He's has made sure to do distance between my sisters and I because I was part of his do over family. Their mother hates mine and my sisters resent me because they think I got something they didn't from him. I have plenty of friends but I don't really have any family I can speak to.

I know we're not family, but we do listen. Smile As for the "punishment", that is classic ASBD, from what I understand.

Give the checklist a try.... found it very helpful.

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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21-01-2015, 08:42 PM
RE: Having to pray
(18-01-2015 02:56 PM)Beteljuice01 Wrote:  So, I have probably been an atheist for while before I realized it. I have always asked questions but I would go with the bible based response until I could research on my own. It wasn't until high school I started to try and find faith that went with what I knew as fact. I never really talked faith with my mother but I know what and how she believes and I never mentioned much because it never seemed like a big deal. but my father is a narcissistic christian who is some how a controlling and overbearing absentee father. know that I am willing to admit to myself I'm not a christian I know I have to tell them at some point. I am my forth year into college. If I never spoke to him again it would make my life easier, but losing my mom over god would break me.
Today my dad called to make me feel like a shitty ungrateful person again. I try to limit it to one call a week but that's used against me. When I don't call everyday so he can tell me how to live my life it can he can get really vicious. usually after I talk to him I call my mom to be reminded I do have one loving parent. but today he ended our shitty talk by asking me to pray. And for a minute I didn't even register the words. when I did I could think of any thing to say. When I was a christian prayer always made me feel uncomfortable and bad but now the idea of praying just felt like a horrible thing to do but knew I had to. So i muttered some useless words and my berated me for not praying and told me some day I won't be able and I'll wish I prayed then.
The problem is I couldn't tell my mother what bothered me about talking to my mom today. I could get her encouragement and love this time. If I explained that I'm not christian and being forced to pray made me feel dirty to her, I could lose her. I don't know what to do. I know dad will make me pray again because if he sees weakness he will exploit it. I know mother will have a problem with my lost faith but I don't know how bad it will be. I don't know how to go on from here.

I'm praying for you.

#sigh
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21-01-2015, 09:02 PM
RE: Having to pray
(21-01-2015 08:42 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(18-01-2015 02:56 PM)Beteljuice01 Wrote:  So, I have probably been an atheist for while before I realized it. I have always asked questions but I would go with the bible based response until I could research on my own. It wasn't until high school I started to try and find faith that went with what I knew as fact. I never really talked faith with my mother but I know what and how she believes and I never mentioned much because it never seemed like a big deal. but my father is a narcissistic christian who is some how a controlling and overbearing absentee father. know that I am willing to admit to myself I'm not a christian I know I have to tell them at some point. I am my forth year into college. If I never spoke to him again it would make my life easier, but losing my mom over god would break me.
Today my dad called to make me feel like a shitty ungrateful person again. I try to limit it to one call a week but that's used against me. When I don't call everyday so he can tell me how to live my life it can he can get really vicious. usually after I talk to him I call my mom to be reminded I do have one loving parent. but today he ended our shitty talk by asking me to pray. And for a minute I didn't even register the words. when I did I could think of any thing to say. When I was a christian prayer always made me feel uncomfortable and bad but now the idea of praying just felt like a horrible thing to do but knew I had to. So i muttered some useless words and my berated me for not praying and told me some day I won't be able and I'll wish I prayed then.
The problem is I couldn't tell my mother what bothered me about talking to my mom today. I could get her encouragement and love this time. If I explained that I'm not christian and being forced to pray made me feel dirty to her, I could lose her. I don't know what to do. I know dad will make me pray again because if he sees weakness he will exploit it. I know mother will have a problem with my lost faith but I don't know how bad it will be. I don't know how to go on from here.

I'm praying for you.

Hail Mary,
full of grace.
May someone hot,
sit on your face.

I'm praying for you too.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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