Having trouble
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29-09-2013, 06:08 PM
Having trouble
Hello there. I don't feel completely comfortable talking about this because it's so personal. I don't even know if this topic will be allowed here, but I really need some advice from some other free thinking people like myself!!

Ok, so I just got married about 10 months ago, and both me and my husband became atheists less than 10 months ago. So, as you can imagine, there are a lot of changes going on in my life. One of the changes being our view point about pornography. I feel really insecure about it. We recently decided that pornography is okay and it's no secret if one of us looks at it. I really want to be ok with it!

How do I feel secure in myself and my marriage even knowing that my husband is looking at porn? Also, what are your view points about pornography in marriage?

I really want to be as open minded as I can, but my insecurity is making it very hard. Sadcryface

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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29-09-2013, 06:47 PM
RE: Having trouble
Don't take this wrong. I'm really not trying to be dismissive or cavalier. You married a dude?

He's looking at porn. He's always looked at porn.

Don't take it personally, actually it can heighten your sexual experience if you can do it together. Use it as a means to figure out what excites you both sexually and explore with each other. There's nothing wrong with being excited, that's what porn does. If you're going to do it anyway, use it to your advantage.

Excuse me, I'm gonna fire up some porn and try to excite the missus......

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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29-09-2013, 06:52 PM (This post was last modified: 29-09-2013 07:09 PM by Smercury44.)
RE: Having trouble
I feel your pain! I used to be very open about pornography in my marriage, and even had a few fun times watching it with my husband, until one night (without going into much detail) he chose it over me. Since then we have had issues with it, and no longer watch it together. I know he still does, and I do as we'll on occasion. I am totally ok with this, but still don't like finding evidence that he has been viewing.

I tell myself my uncomfortable feelings are irrational, and that obviously it is healthy! But the feelings don't go away. I guess I deal with it by acknowledging that it makes me uncomfortable, but that the feeling is irrational, and I just have to deal with it. It's ok that we both watch. I know he loves me, I know he finds me attractive. If you aren't getting these feelings from him in return, let him know, talk it out.

I hope this helps some, and I hope sharing my own personal story helped you feel less alone.

Marriage counselors do help also. I know it seems scary, and only for people who have serious issues, but sometimes one or two sessions can really clear the air!

Best of luck, and congrats on your new marriage/atheism
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29-09-2013, 08:47 PM
RE: Having trouble
(29-09-2013 06:47 PM)evenheathen Wrote:  Don't take this wrong. I'm really not trying to be dismissive or cavalier. You married a dude?

He's looking at porn. He's always looked at porn.

Don't take it personally, actually it can heighten your sexual experience if you can do it together. Use it as a means to figure out what excites you both sexually and explore with each other. There's nothing wrong with being excited, that's what porn does. If you're going to do it anyway, use it to your advantage.

Excuse me, I'm gonna fire up some porn and try to excite the missus......

Its a little hard not to take it wrong when the tone in the first few sentences of your reply is pretty insulting. However, I do appreciate the thing you said about it heightening me and my husbands sex life. The whole reason for this thread isn't because I don't realize that he's a dude or he's been looking at porn, but bc I want to feel secure enough to watch it with him.

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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29-09-2013, 08:52 PM
RE: Having trouble
(29-09-2013 06:52 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  I feel your pain! I used to be very open about pornography in my marriage, and even had a few fun times watching it with my husband, until one night (without going into much detail) he chose it over me. Since then we have had issues with it, and no longer watch it together. I know he still does, and I do as we'll on occasion. I am totally ok with this, but still don't like finding evidence that he has been viewing.

I tell myself my uncomfortable feelings are irrational, and that obviously it is healthy! But the feelings don't go away. I guess I deal with it by acknowledging that it makes me uncomfortable, but that the feeling is irrational, and I just have to deal with it. It's ok that we both watch. I know he loves me, I know he finds me attractive. If you aren't getting these feelings from him in return, let him know, talk it out.

I hope this helps some, and I hope sharing my own personal story helped you feel less alone.

Marriage counselors do help also. I know it seems scary, and only for people who have serious issues, but sometimes one or two sessions can really clear the air!

Best of luck, and congrats on your new marriage/atheism


Thanks for sharing! This does help. I really want my hubby to enjoy porn, so I need to just get over it. Easier said than done! Good to know I'm not alone! Smile

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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29-09-2013, 09:07 PM
RE: Having trouble
Since i have nothing usefull to add

GO PORN!!!!!!!

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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29-09-2013, 09:08 PM
RE: Having trouble
(29-09-2013 08:47 PM)LadyWallFlower Wrote:  Its a little hard not to take it wrong when the tone in the first few sentences of your reply is pretty insulting.

Indeed, it did come off that way. Sorry, wasn't meaning to be insulting, just real. I really am sorry, only trying to help, I realize it's a touchy issue. I was just trying to emphasize the innocence of our natural urges, and encourage a more casual and accepting approach to one of nature's most carnal instinct.

Have fun with it, it's why we're here!

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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29-09-2013, 10:03 PM
RE: Having trouble
It follows the basic rule: all things in moderation. If it seems like it is becoming a dependency, you might seek some counseling.
Otherwise, just have fun with it.
Furthermore, you should try going solo too. Find some porn that gets you going and explore your own fantasies in your own private space. When you know what really gets you hot, bring it back to the bedroom.Evil_monster

You can lead a theist to reason, but, you cannot make him think.
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29-09-2013, 10:15 PM
RE: Having trouble
(29-09-2013 10:03 PM)NoSkyDaddy Wrote:  Find some porn that gets you going and explore your own fantasies in your own private space. When you know what really gets you hot, bring it back to the bedroom.Evil_monster

Love this!

Try some smutty books, just for you. they have tons of free ones in the kindle store. Women aren't always as visual as men with their sexuality. Maybe finding a few that you really enjoy will put it in perspective, and diminish the discomfort you feel. ;-)
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29-09-2013, 10:47 PM
RE: Having trouble
(29-09-2013 10:15 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Women aren't always as visual as men with their sexuality.
Actually, studies have shown that women, unlike men, respond to all genera of porn almost without exception. Studies were done measuring physiological responses including genital blood flow. When shown porn, males typically had physical responses to genera corresponding to their stated sexual orientation. Females on the contrary, typically had responses to all genera of porn. I found this information in the Star Talk podcast with Niel deGrasse Tyson. It is a two part episode titled: The Science of Sex which can be found here:http://www.startalkradio.net/
Enjoy.

You can lead a theist to reason, but, you cannot make him think.
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