Having trouble
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29-09-2013, 10:53 PM
RE: Having trouble
You're definitely not alone. Most women have at least some insecurities about their significant other whacking off to another woman. The only real answer to this us to be completely confident in yourself and your relationship. I'm more comfortable with my current partner watching loads of porn than I ever was with previous partners partaking even occasionally, because he lets me know that I turn him on more than any video could. We're very open with each other and experiment a lot. Try this, if you haven't already - make a home movie with him, or by yourself and send it to him. Even sending him pictures can give your relationship an edge and give him the chance to you for inspiration when he's alone. Let him know you want to turn him on, and that you're turned on by the thought of him watching you. Knowing that he masturbates while thinking of you will help you deal with the fact that he may also think of other women sometimes. And being that open is a turn on in itself, to most men.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it- not even if I have said it- unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha
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30-09-2013, 05:01 AM
RE: Having trouble
Quote:I was just trying to emphasize the innocence of our natural urges, and encourage a more casual and accepting approach to one of nature's most carnal instinct.

Ok, I get what you were saying now. Sorry for snapping at you! Confused Thanks for your input! I really want to be more casual about it. If I'm honest with myself, I really would rather him look at porn than not, bc I love the fact that he has a good libido! Wink

Quote:Try this, if you haven't already - make a home movie with him, or by yourself and send it to him. Even sending him pictures can give your relationship an edge and give him the chance to you for inspiration when he's alone. Let him know you want to turn him on, and that you're turned on by the thought of him watching you. Knowing that he masturbates while thinking of you will help you deal with the fact that he may also think of other women sometimes. And being that open is a turn on in itself, to most men.

I love this. I'm gonna try it! Thank you! Smile

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
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30-09-2013, 05:28 AM
RE: Having trouble
Quote:Try some smutty books, just for you. they have tons of free ones in the kindle store.

This is great advice! I can see myself enjoying a smutty book or two. Also, maybe if I'm not thinking about what he's watching so much, it won't bother me! Smile

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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30-09-2013, 06:28 AM
RE: Having trouble
Porn never bothered me, I like to look at it sometimes too.

Besides, better he look at porn than real other women.

When you look at porn, you are looking at an image and you supply your own interpretation. It's a fantasy thing. I see nothing wrong with it.

You can also pick some fantasies you like and play them out together for real...

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30-09-2013, 06:44 AM
RE: Having trouble
Smutty books was going to be my approach to your conundrum. Porn comes in several varieties, including written. Smutty books ARE porn! Some people get turned on by visual and audio - others by descriptive text. Some get turned on by both!

Smutty books and images (not talking about hentai, ppl - the older photographs and drawings of naked ladies) used to be banned and had their own underground once upon a time. BEFORE the internet. Nowadays, it's more of a thought-control rather than actually being illegal. It sucks because stuff like this can make a marriage rickety and uncomfortable sometimes.

It's normal to have the fear of what porn could do to a partner. I think it's a healthy approach you're taking, navigating through this with peers rather than staying silent and confused about the issue. Yes I hope your navigation brings you to calmer waters! Dialogue is key!

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30-09-2013, 06:45 AM
RE: Having trouble
(30-09-2013 06:28 AM)Dom Wrote:  Besides, better he look at porn than real other women.

This is very true. I plan on being married for a long time, so I guess I've gotta see the bigger picture; which is being more open minded about porn.

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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30-09-2013, 06:54 AM
RE: Having trouble
(30-09-2013 06:44 AM)cheapthrillseaker Wrote:  It's normal to have the fear of what porn could do to a partner. I think it's a healthy approach you're taking, navigating through this with peers rather than staying silent and confused about the issue. Yes I hope your navigation brings you to calmer waters! Dialogue is key!

This means a lot to me! I think my husband doesn't really understand why I need to talk this out, so I was starting to feel kinda silly for being worried about it. I just care too much! lol Wink
I do feel a lot calmer! Definitely glad I posted this thread. Lots of great advice and reassurance! Smile

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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30-09-2013, 03:43 PM
RE: Having trouble
I am of the opinion there are three ways to deal with insecurities. One, get rid of whatever makes you insecure. Since you aren't likely to get rid of porn, and probably don't want to get rid of your husband we can rule this one out. Two, build confidence in your abilities, or increase you abilities. Never bad to advocate for improvement in one's self, but I have a feeling that no matter how good you are in bed he will still like to look at porn. People like seeing naked people. That leaves me with option three....drop your ego. Everyone has an ego. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Just realize, on a very basic animalistic level people want to fuck people. Of course, it isn't necessarily that he wants to have a relationship with other people, just sex. Everyone does on some level. You aren't the only woman that has the capability of getting him off, just like there are plenty of guys that could do the same for you. It's pure ego to think otherwise. Porn gives people a way to fantasize more easily. That's it.

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30-09-2013, 03:45 PM
RE: Having trouble
(29-09-2013 10:47 PM)NoSkyDaddy Wrote:  
(29-09-2013 10:15 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  Women aren't always as visual as men with their sexuality.
I found this information in the Star Talk podcast with Niel deGrasse Tyson. It is a two part episode titled: The Science of Sex which can be found here:http://www.startalkradio.net/
Enjoy.

How did I not know about this podcast? Checking out these episodes first, thank you!!
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01-10-2013, 01:37 AM
RE: Having trouble
(29-09-2013 06:08 PM)LadyWallFlower Wrote:  Hello there. I don't feel completely comfortable talking about this because it's so personal. I don't even know if this topic will be allowed here, but I really need some advice from some other free thinking people like myself!!

Ok, so I just got married about 10 months ago, and both me and my husband became atheists less than 10 months ago. So, as you can imagine, there are a lot of changes going on in my life. One of the changes being our view point about pornography. I feel really insecure about it. We recently decided that pornography is okay and it's no secret if one of us looks at it. I really want to be ok with it!

How do I feel secure in myself and my marriage even knowing that my husband is looking at porn? Also, what are your view points about pornography in marriage?

I really want to be as open minded as I can, but my insecurity is making it very hard. Sadcryface

Atheism and porno acceptance don't have to go hand in hand - i.e. just because you are an atheist doesn't mean you have to be open minded about everything; and being uncomfortable about your husband watching porn doesn't make you less of an atheist.

That said though, I'm not sure about porn in marriage. Since I'm a fairly young guy, I can totally relate to your husband looking at porn, but I can't pretend that it's something everyone can deal with.... everyone is different. You say you've talked about it, so that is a step in the right direction.

Also, remember that it not possible to have 100% security in any relationship. Sorry, I know that sounds disturbing, I'm not trying to be.Angel
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