Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
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23-02-2018, 02:27 PM
Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
I've mentioned in a couple posts I pretty recently started pulling at the dangling thread of my Christianity to see "where will this lead?" The thing unraveled. I've been "mourning", I guess, losing my faith. Or more accurately, how many lost years spent in it, disappointment in my "leaders", etc...

I have been drinking more than usual I admit, reading by myself a LOT, and in general have been more secluded (It's been a "personal journey", pardon the cliche). I've taken "a break" going to church of course. My wife knows something's up and I knew a conversation was coming.

I'd mentioned to her a couple months ago how I think prayer just doesn't work. There's no verifiable case where it did anything, etc.

She asked about it again last night and to ease her into this I said again i have issues with prayer, it doesn't seem to work. Told her I don't believe "as strongly" in some things as I have, and have been questioning things lately.

A good baby step I thought.

Shortly into this she teared up, said something like "This isn't you. I feel a real evil sense about you right now."

I'm shocked, because I'm a quiet polite guy and was speaking calmly and carefully.

She said, "I KNOW prayer works. And I've HEARD God speak to me" and some other things. She said "Well don't drag the rest of us down with you" (our kids). "My faith is strong enough that I don't need to question things." I (politely) asked if she would tell a Muslim or Buddhist to hold on to their faith and what they've just accepted or if it would be better for them to question it. She said question it.

Trying to be done with the topic for now I said, well if something is true and you question it it would still be true, but for other "faiths" you admit it would be better for them to question it and look for truth, right? Yes. And so I said, well that's all I meant, there's no problem in questioning things you don't understand.

Well she brought up the "unequally yoked" thing, and that in our vows (married 15 years) we promised to serve God together. This is a "deal breaker" for me, she said, and that she's been up in the night many nights worried for me and "praying over me".

Soooooo........

That did not go well. I honestly have NO IDEA what to do from here. I guess I can keep being honest and risk my entire marriage!! Or, for her sake, leave it alone go through the motions and I guess just be a bad Christian?

HELP!! This SUCKS.
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23-02-2018, 02:37 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
I'm going to come off all preachy and will make no apologies about it; lay off the booze if you can. It will not add a single positive thing to this crisis you are facing.
Several members here have been down this path you are on, and you can either search out some of the threads here in personal issues, or they will be along to give their help. Hang in there.
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23-02-2018, 02:44 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
[Image: giphy.gif]

Save a life. Adopt a greyhound.

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23-02-2018, 02:46 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
(23-02-2018 02:37 PM)skyking Wrote:  I'm going to come off all preachy and will make no apologies about it; lay off the booze if you can. It will not add a single positive thing to this crisis you are facing.
Several members here have been down this path you are on, and you can either search out some of the threads here in personal issues, or they will be along to give their help. Hang in there.

Yeah you're probably right. I think selfishly I've wanted this time to "mourn". Obviously I'm upset about the whole thing. A big house of cards just crashed down on me.
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23-02-2018, 03:24 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
SK is right about the drinking. Indeed, it may be feeding her own narrative.

As for dealing with her feelings, I'd suggest trying to get her to see that y'all don't need to agree on this in order to see that your relationship survives. Of course, that puts the ball in her court, but at least at that point, it's her making the demands and not you.
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23-02-2018, 03:36 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
(23-02-2018 03:24 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  SK is right about the drinking. Indeed, it may be feeding her own narrative.

As for dealing with her feelings, I'd suggest trying to get her to see that y'all don't need to agree on this in order to see that your relationship survives. Of course, that puts the ball in her court, but at least at that point, it's her making the demands and not you.

Damn. Yeah... Time to sort that out.
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23-02-2018, 04:52 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
(23-02-2018 02:27 PM)tjo252810 Wrote:  Well she brought up the "unequally yoked" thing, and that in our vows (married 15 years) we promised to serve God together. This is a "deal breaker" for me, she said, and that she's been up in the night many nights worried for me and "praying over me".

This likely won't help, but I thought I would mention it anyway.

Many people use the word "God" as a placeholder for the concept of truth. In other words, you promised to serve what you believed to be true together, to be honest with each other and so on. But if God isn't the truth at all, why would anyone insist you serve what you didn't believe to be true?

The problem with this is that your wife will still insist that she knows God is the truth, even without logic or proof. You could ask her to prove it to you I suppose, and that might keep her busy for awhile. It might even help you in the end, if you can counter her arguments with questions she can't answer.

Sorry, but that's the best I could think to offer.
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23-02-2018, 04:58 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
Second the go light on drinks.


Agree to " serve God" when you get a set of personalized written orders.


In triplicate..



....


Seriously - hang in there. Regardless how it turns out, keep on being you.

....

I'm a double atheist. I don't believe in your god or your politician.
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23-02-2018, 05:08 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
Wow, I'm really sorry she's taken this so badly. Clearly she's been very strongly indoctrinated and equates Christianity with "being good". This kind of thing makes me so sad Sad

My advice is that living a lie isn't going to work. If you have to pretend to be something you're not to please her, you're going to be unhappy. I'd suggest eventually coming to a truce where you just don't discuss religion/atheism at all. If she's incapable of that, and must bring religion into everything and demands you believe/pretend to believe things, then Christianity has truly broken her.

I wish you all the best. Maybe after the initial shock she will calm down and you can talk more reasonably. I'd say reassure her that you're not rejecting her, you're questioning your beliefs. It's not evil (another horrible piece of Christian propaganda she's obviously swallowed), it's healthy and intellectually honest. Truth doesn't need protecting from questions.

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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23-02-2018, 06:53 PM
RE: Help!! Conversation with wife went HORRibly!
How long have you been having doubts or feeling that you're an atheist? If it's been for a while, then you have a case to make to your wife that she's known you for x years, and for y of those years you've been an atheist, but you're still a trustworthy, responsible person.

If, however, this argument is linked more with drinking and other issues, I'd recommend that you back off on adding atheism to the mix and get things straightened out there first.

Finally, remember that there is no obligation as an atheist to be an evangelist. (In fact, as someone who grew up forced to evangelize, I have made it my business not to try to convert people.) If your relationship is going along fine in other respects, you may be better off not bringing things up until there's good reason.
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