Here we go again...
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12-07-2016, 11:49 AM
Here we go again...
So I don't know what all I have mentioned on the forum, but my ex-husband moved about 90 miles away about a year or so ago. At that time, he wanted to try and have the kids live with him full-time. I said flat-out no. So off he moved, and the kids pretty much are with me full-time. On paper, we have joint physical custody, switching weeks between my house and his, but for this whole time he's been living so far away, I more or less have them full custody.

They are with me throughout the whole school year and I get one weekend a month with them here while he gets three a month. We alternate major holidays. For the summer, the kids were with me and Rev for about 5 weeks or so and well now it's come time for them to be at their dad's.

It has been a grand total of one week today and already they have contacted both me and my mother saying could either of us come get them from their dad's because they don't want to be there. I have told them multiple times that their dad has a legal right to see them and I cannot legally just come over there and take them. It would mean kidnapping. It would mean an Amber Alert in our state and possibly me going to jail. Then they'd always be with their dad. And that is surely not what they want.

I have mentioned how my ex is to everyone that I think could make a difference to the situation - my lawyer, my daughter's psychologist, and to another psychologist here at our local hospital - and no one has said that anything he does could be grounds to take away his parental rights. So at this point things just are what they are. The kids get as much time with me as they would if I dragged everything back to court and fought for official full custody. I just don't think limited visitation with their dad or supervised visits or any of that is even possible.

I hate this, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've done everything I can at this point but the kids still despise being there. I honestly wish they liked it over there more because it would be a lot less stress for me. Instead my mom and me get near-daily calls of practically "come rescue us". Their chief complaints are that my ex's girlfriend has a bunch of animals over there and the place is dirty / there are fleas, etc. but CPS was already called out (because my daughter had mentioned these complaints to her psychologist) and nothing came of it.

Once that fizzled out I figured, well that's it. Everything that could be done to maybe get them out of there has not worked so it just is what it is at this point. And even if CPS had found a problem over there, typically they would just give them a chance to clean the place up and they wouldn't immediately revoke rights.

Maybe this should have went in the ranting corner, but sheesh. I just don't know what to do at this point. I told my daughter that maybe next summer we'd look at just doing alternating weeks between here and there and she thought that'd be a lot better.

Satan help me get thru this summer. Confused

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12-07-2016, 12:04 PM
RE: Here we go again...
(12-07-2016 11:49 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  So I don't know what all I have mentioned on the forum, but my ex-husband moved about 90 miles away about a year or so ago. At that time, he wanted to try and have the kids live with him full-time. I said flat-out no. So off he moved, and the kids pretty much are with me full-time. On paper, we have joint physical custody, switching weeks between my house and his, but for this whole time he's been living so far away, I more or less have them full custody.

They are with me throughout the whole school year and I get one weekend a month with them here while he gets three a month. We alternate major holidays. For the summer, the kids were with me and Rev for about 5 weeks or so and well now it's come time for them to be at their dad's.

It has been a grand total of one week today and already they have contacted both me and my mother saying could either of us come get them from their dad's because they don't want to be there. I have told them multiple times that their dad has a legal right to see them and I cannot legally just come over there and take them. It would mean kidnapping. It would mean an Amber Alert in our state and possibly me going to jail. Then they'd always be with their dad. And that is surely not what they want.

I have mentioned how my ex is to everyone that I think could make a difference to the situation - my lawyer, my daughter's psychologist, and to another psychologist here at our local hospital - and no one has said that anything he does could be grounds to take away his parental rights. So at this point things just are what they are. The kids get as much time with me as they would if I dragged everything back to court and fought for official full custody. I just don't think limited visitation with their dad or supervised visits or any of that is even possible.

I hate this, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've done everything I can at this point but the kids still despise being there. I honestly wish they liked it over there more because it would be a lot less stress for me. Instead my mom and me get near-daily calls of practically "come rescue us". Their chief complaints are that my ex's girlfriend has a bunch of animals over there and the place is dirty / there are fleas, etc. but CPS was already called out (because my daughter had mentioned these complaints to her psychologist) and nothing came of it.

Once that fizzled out I figured, well that's it. Everything that could be done to maybe get them out of there has not worked so it just is what it is at this point. And even if CPS had found a problem over there, typically they would just give them a chance to clean the place up and they wouldn't immediately revoke rights.

Maybe this should have went in the ranting corner, but sheesh. I just don't know what to do at this point. I told my daughter that maybe next summer we'd look at just doing alternating weeks between here and there and she thought that'd be a lot better.

Satan help me get thru this summer. Confused

I really have no advice for you, but I just hope you can get this worked out for your benefit, and for your kids' benefit. Hug
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12-07-2016, 12:28 PM
RE: Here we go again...
(12-07-2016 11:49 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  So I don't know what all I have mentioned on the forum...

I'm mostly unfamiliar with your situation. I don't know how many kids or their ages.

Are they just homesick?

Do they have any relationship with their father when they are with you? (i.e. calls, emails, texts, etc.)

Do they get along with the father's girlfriend?

Help for the living. Hope for the dead. ~ R.G. Ingersoll

Freedom offers opportunity. Opportunity confers responsibility. Responsibility to use the freedom we enjoy wisely, honestly and humanely. ~ Noam Chomsky
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12-07-2016, 12:45 PM
RE: Here we go again...
Remind me again how old they are?

It's totally possible once they reach their teens they can actually legally state who they want to be with full time and decide if they wish to visit the other parent at all.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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12-07-2016, 03:11 PM
RE: Here we go again...
Hug

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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12-07-2016, 03:48 PM
RE: Here we go again...
(12-07-2016 12:28 PM)Fatbaldhobbit Wrote:  
(12-07-2016 11:49 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  So I don't know what all I have mentioned on the forum...

I'm mostly unfamiliar with your situation. I don't know how many kids or their ages.

Are they just homesick?

Do they have any relationship with their father when they are with you? (i.e. calls, emails, texts, etc.)

Do they get along with the father's girlfriend?

1. I have 2 kids. My daughter is 15 and my son is 11.

2. It's possible they are just homesick. They prefer being at my house as opposed to their dad's house.

3. More like their father insists on having a relationship with them. I mean, I don't think they truly hate him, but he is a controlling type and he will insert themselves into their lives even when they don't want it. I don't know that he gives them much of a chance to miss him because he can often be controlling from afar (this is what I perceive, anyway - it is much more prominent with my daughter because she uses her phone a lot and he'll often text and call her whereas my son is usually busy with other things and not easily available via phone). He was controlling and manipulative with me when we were married and can be the same way with the kids. That being said, there was no physical or sexual abuse in the relationship.

4. They do not like their father's girlfriend. Both of my kids are picky eaters in the extreme (I am only just now getting a better hold on my own eating habits as I've always been and still am very sensitive to textures and have food anxieties in general), though my son is moreso and the girlfriend insists on making them clean their plates, from what I've gathered, even if it is something brand new. So they resent that.

Also the girlfriend constantly videotapes all outings they do and then she has put these up on YouTube which my daughter was resentful of. She did not like having her life up on the internet, as she stated it. The video series is talking about the challenges of being a stepmom, which I can appreciate, but the kids did not know she was going to put them up on YouTube and they resent not being asked.

Plus, let's face it - the girlfriend is young, in her mid-twenties, and maybe just hasn't matured all that much to be able to deal with kids, much less kids who aren't her own. The kids say she'll be overly emotional or angry at times, which I tend to chalk up to her age and also yeah the challenges of being a stepmom.

The girlfriend, as the kids have said, has been forced onto them. My ex is forcing a relationship with her onto the kids and they don't like this either.

Their other complaints are that the house is messy, that there are fleas "everywhere", but honestly from what I have seen at least in the YT videos, the house doesn't look like a sty or like somewhere unfit to live. And like I said, CPS went and checked the place and nothing was recommended so I tend to think the kids are exaggerating to some extent.

(12-07-2016 12:45 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Remind me again how old they are?

It's totally possible once they reach their teens they can actually legally state who they want to be with full time and decide if they wish to visit the other parent at all.

If that's possible, I am not aware of it. Back when I first talked to a lawyer, he said that the kids (or well, it would have only been my daughter at the time who was old enough) could say who they wanted to live with full-time but he did not say she could see whoever she wanted when she wanted or refuse whoever, whenever. I would have to look into it more, though.

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12-07-2016, 03:54 PM
RE: Here we go again...
I should add that when I say he is controlling from afar - he has (or had - supposedly he took these off, but he has not given her that particular phone back, she has another she uses now) parental controls all over her phone to the extent that he could read her texts. He also had a GPS app on her phone so he'd know where she was at at all times. As an example, there was a time when she asked to go to her boyfriend's house where his parents would be there and they would be supervised (my mother even vouched for these people and she trusts no one so I felt safe letting her go). Keep in mind this was during my daughter's time with me.

My ex saw via the GPS that she was in a different county and he asked what was going on and where she was. Said he needs to know where she is at all times. She told him she'd cleared her plans with me since she was with me at that point but he didn't seem to care.

Now, I know there are plenty of parents at least around here who would fully agree with all that (the gps, the monitoring of all texts and social media, etc.) but I see it as a massive breach of privacy. If she were gallivanting around or causing problems or the like then she should lose privileges and be watched like a hawk. Not treated like a citizen under Big Brother's thumb right from the get-go

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12-07-2016, 04:07 PM
RE: Here we go again...
(12-07-2016 12:45 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Remind me again how old they are?

It's totally possible once they reach their teens they can actually legally state who they want to be with full time and decide if they wish to visit the other parent at all.

What moms said...I am sure every jurisdiction is different but my son was allowed to change his last name from his father's at the age of 14. He was considered by that point to not be 'a child of tender years'. He was allowed a voice in his life by the courts.

This, of course, would probably only work for your daughter at this time so that could be a problem for your son.

Make sure you are documenting everything.

My son wrote his own letter appealing to the courts for a legal name change and was granted it with no problem. They didn't even speak to me, nor did they contact his father for his input.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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12-07-2016, 04:14 PM
RE: Here we go again...
Is there anything in your custody agreement which precludes either of you from visiting the kids while in the other parent's custody? If not why don't you take the 3 hour 90 mile trek (sorry, I'm thinking Maryland time), the 1 hour 90 mile trek and have a BBQ for the kids. ... Bring Rev with you.

#sigh
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12-07-2016, 04:53 PM
RE: Here we go again...
Hi EA.
Sorry to learn this. If there are fleas and the place is so dirty, does this not endanger their health? Are you able to use this reason to "save" them?

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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