How I avoided becoming a killer
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11-06-2013, 03:23 AM
How I avoided becoming a killer
I read Atothetheist thread about his troubled past. First of all, might aswell give out my sympathies for him and urge to keep his state of the art brain cool. Now on to my past.

When I was from the age 13-15 I was bullied. I hated crowds. I didn't want to meet new people. I've said before that I'm not physically fit, not really fat, but my tummy is a bit big (I do not have diabetes type 2 or anything like that). That means that I hate classes like the gym class, since I think sports suck ass (also a big problem with crowds and diffrent classes since we crossed other classes where all the people I hated came from). I really had a problem with big groups of people, and tried to be alone as much as possible. Bad fucking idea. I didn't understand that if you're alone at that age, people will pick on you and hate you. It seems like teens in the age 13-15 have a disease, that can only be cured by embarrassing eachother for cheap laughs. I fell victim for this type of behavior.

When you are being bullied, the insults, the embarrassment, that's not the worst thing. The real bad thing is the suspense, the anticipation, the paranoia that something shitty is going to happen to you. That's the real torture. You will become aware of everything, you will make yourself as small as possible, you take no chances, you trust no one, anyone can betray you. Someone you can call a friend, an ally, can stab you in the back anytime for a cheap joke or laugh that will make seem like an idiot in from of everyone.

I guess I can say I was lucky I didn't get physically bullied, but being verbally bullied is pretty bad too.

Here comes the real point of the thread.
*Warning: The following part is pretty disturbing to read. This is the past, not the present. Whatever actions I would have done at that age is nothing I would do today. There is no reason to frame me for something I haven't done
While some people get depressed by bulling and commit suicide, I faced the fact that I could never kill myself. I can never believe in an afterlife or a god. I would never waste my life for these fools. On the other side, I had other problems. In the age 13-14, I faced depression over the bulling. But at age 15, something changed. I thought this year would be different, no bulling, no bullshit. Too bad 2010-2011 would be the worst 6-8 months in my life. There was this one guy I hated in particular, and he hated me too (I guess we still do since I'm typing this). I was bullied heavily by this asshole; his AD-HD bodyguards didn't make things any better. At that time, I never really suffered from sadness by being bullied. I got angry instead. I wanted this guy to die. I wanted him to die so fucking much. Every time class started up, I hoped somebody would just bring out the news he had been hit by a buss or a car or anything that could have killed him. Eventually I wanted to kill him myself. What should I do? Stab him? Beat him to death? Grab my Gramp's Mauser and shoot him? I knew that killing someone would fuck up my life forever, and that would be locked up for at least 20 years if I did(no death or life sentance in Norway). But I wanted him to die so fucking much. I really thought I was going to do it once, but I didn't. Here's why:

[Image: tumblr_lfi3eaCIY81qc005wo1_400.jpg]
When I first heard Slayer, I knew it was my type of band. And it worked miracles for me. Whenever I would get pissed beoynd imagination, I would pop in a Slayer CD, and the songs would take the aggression out for me. I don't know why it worked, but it did. The songs were so angry and furious that I helped me get through the rough times. Eventually, I knew that would never kill anyone. If I did, in the end, the assholes wins. I'm not going to sacrifce everything for something like revenge. I still hate him for the bulling, and would maybe be happy if I found out he fell off a cliff and died, but atleast I will not be the one ruining my life by ending his.

I can say that I owe my life to Slayer: Tom, Dave, Paul, especially Kerry and Jeff (That's why it broke me when Jeff died).

If you read the spoiler, you might have changed opinions about me. Please remember that I was 15, desperate and foolish. I am not attention-whoring on this matter; I just needed people to understand why I express so much hatred against careless teenagers. I feel alot better now that I have posted this, and it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not, I just needed to vent this.

I also wish to express much love towards Steven (A2thetheist), Matt (Free Thought), Richard (Fstratzero), Shane (Reasonandscience) and TheGulegon (Don't know your real name, buddy!)

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11-06-2013, 04:36 AM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(11-06-2013 03:23 AM)ELK12695 Wrote:  I read Atothetheist thread about his troubled past. First of all, might aswell give out my sympathies for him and urge to keep his state of the art brain cool. Now on to my past.

When I was from the age 13-15 I was bullied. I hated crowds. I didn't want to meet new people. I've said before that I'm not physically fit, not really fat, but my tummy is a bit big (I do not have diabetes type 2 or anything like that). That means that I hate classes like the gym class, since I think sports suck ass (also a big problem with crowds and diffrent classes since we crossed other classes where all the people I hated came from). I really had a problem with big groups of people, and tried to be alone as much as possible. Bad fucking idea. I didn't understand that if you're alone at that age, people will pick on you and hate you. It seems like teens in the age 13-15 have a disease, that can only be cured by embarrassing eachother for cheap laughs. I fell victim for this type of behavior.

When you are being bullied, the insults, the embarrassment, that's not the worst thing. The real bad thing is the suspense, the anticipation, the paranoia that something shitty is going to happen to you. That's the real torture. You will become aware of everything, you will make yourself as small as possible, you take no chances, you trust no one, anyone can betray you. Someone you can call a friend, an ally, can stab you in the back anytime for a cheap joke or laugh that will make seem like an idiot in from of everyone.

I guess I can say I was lucky I didn't get physically bullied, but being verbally bullied is pretty bad too.

Here comes the real point of the thread.
*Warning: The following part is pretty disturbing to read. This is the past, not the present. Whatever actions I would have done at that age is nothing I would do today. There is no reason to frame me for something I haven't done
While some people get depressed by bulling and commit suicide, I faced the fact that I could never kill myself. I can never believe in an afterlife or a god. I would never waste my life for these fools. On the other side, I had other problems. In the age 13-14, I faced depression over the bulling. But at age 15, something changed. I thought this year would be different, no bulling, no bullshit. Too bad 2010-2011 would be the worst 6-8 months in my life. There was this one guy I hated in particular, and he hated me too (I guess we still do since I'm typing this). I was bullied heavily by this asshole; his AD-HD bodyguards didn't make things any better. At that time, I never really suffered from sadness by being bullied. I got angry instead. I wanted this guy to die. I wanted him to die so fucking much. Every time class started up, I hoped somebody would just bring out the news he had been hit by a buss or a car or anything that could have killed him. Eventually I wanted to kill him myself. What should I do? Stab him? Beat him to death? Grab my Gramp's Mauser and shoot him? I knew that killing someone would fuck up my life forever, and that would be locked up for at least 20 years if I did(no death or life sentance in Norway). But I wanted him to die so fucking much. I really thought I was going to do it once, but I didn't. Here's why:

[Image: tumblr_lfi3eaCIY81qc005wo1_400.jpg]
When I first heard Slayer, I knew it was my type of band. And it worked miracles for me. Whenever I would get pissed beoynd imagination, I would pop in a Slayer CD, and the songs would take the aggression out for me. I don't know why it worked, but it did. The songs were so angry and furious that I helped me get through the rough times. Eventually, I knew that would never kill anyone. If I did, in the end, the assholes wins. I'm not going to sacrifce everything for something like revenge. I still hate him for the bulling, and would maybe be happy if I found out he fell off a cliff and died, but atleast I will not be the one ruining my life by ending his.

I can say that I owe my life to Slayer: Tom, Dave, Paul, especially Kerry and Jeff (That's why it broke me when Jeff died).

If you read the spoiler, you might have changed opinions about me. Please remember that I was 15, desperate and foolish. I am not attention-whoring on this matter; I just needed people to understand why I express so much hatred against careless teenagers. I feel alot better now that I have posted this, and it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not, I just needed to vent this.

I also wish to express much love towards Steven (A2thetheist), Matt (Free Thought), Richard (Fstratzero), Shane (Reasonandscience) and TheGulegon (Don't know your real name, buddy!)

Touching story, Even.

Gotta say, I find it hard to relate to this kind of story. i don't think I was ever really bullied Per Se, I took a lot of crap through my years of school, not happening much any more though. Mostly just snide remarks, attempts at embarrassing me and being poked on the breast or my hair touched, little stuff which doesn't seem like anything to anybody else, but pissed me off (you must understand the two most important things in my life are my property and my personal space, violating either one is a sure-fire way to make me mad). Did get kicked in the face once, and on a different occasion lost my first tooth to a punch in the face. I took a lot of verbal crap at home from my sister as well, and still do, but I like to think I give a good account of myself on that score.

Long story short, my experiences have helped me grow as an individual. I hold in my emotions and has easy control over them. I think before I react to pressures.
I should thank the people who have caused me grievances throughout my life, really I should. They taught me valuable lessons; Keep closed and reserved under pressure. Let nobody get close and hold in the anger, weaponize it. Store it for a better time. (a side effect of which has lead me to be quite a spiteful and perhaps slightly demented person.

But I love being me. I can think of nobody I would rather be. I recognise my limitations and embrace them.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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11-06-2013, 06:04 AM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
Never had access to a gun, but I remember the few shits from my High School.

What did I do? I moved schools. A specific school, actually. It was an alternative High School. You know, the one before boarding school. I was the firsts to go in there willingly in the past 15 or so years. Laughat

It was great. One little shit from my previous High School got kicked out of that one and sent to the one I was in. Boy was she happy to see me. Boy was I happy to see her. She took one look at me and gave me a smile that looked more like "I'm gonna eat you for breakfast". I went next to her and said "You try anything, and you're shipped out of here to boarding school. You wanna risk that?" To see her deflate from that comment made my whole hell with her almost worth it. Big Grin

Teenagers can be real shits. So can adults.

I'm glad you found your outlet, Elk, through Slayer.

FT, glad you're coping and using the experiences as a tool in the best way you can.

Ah, fuck it! *GROUP HUG*

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11-06-2013, 06:40 AM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
Well, I was tall and strong as a kid, and no one bullied me. But they bullied a friend of mine, a girl that lived near me.

I dealt with it, and my plan could have backfired, but I understood the nature of boys that age well enough it seems.

I think I was 12, the bullies were 14. One day I walked up to them during recess and whispered in the ear of the biggest guy: "if you ever bother her again, I will beat you up in front of everyone, right here at recess" and walked away.

If looks could have killed I would have dropped right there, I could feel his eyes boring into my back.

My friend never got bullied again. The thought of being beaten up by a younger girl in front of everyone was more than the bully could take.

That incident made me feel good, and it did a lot to shape my personality. I think any encounter with bullying shapes the people involved.

I think bullying an old evolutionary instinct to determine who is strong and who is weak. I see it even in the geese on my property - every year there is one gosling that gets picked on by the others. It is a conflict between our base instincts and our capacity for empathy. What is disturbing is that it seems to be constantly growing in prevalence. Or maybe it's just made more public.... but I certainly don't ever recall any suicide connected to it when I was growing up. I don't recall any teen suicides at all.

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11-06-2013, 07:37 AM (This post was last modified: 11-06-2013 07:45 AM by Anjele.)
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I was bullied after moving to my dad's hometown, not before. 'Outsiders' were simply not welcome. Add to that my heathen non-Catholic mother, Catholic schools, and being one of the smallest in my grade and it was a recipe for heartache and heartbreak.

High school was absolute hell for me. I begged my parents from 7th grade on to let me go to the public school in a town down the road but they wouldn't do it. Just a few years ago dad told me it was a business decision to keep his mostly Catholic clients happy. In hindsight he agreed that I should have been allowed to switch schools.

It's funny, a few years back I went to a reunion...we were about 15 years out from graduation. Someone had the bright idea to draw names and pair us up to dance. When they called my name and the guy I was to dance with, my heart began to race and I felt sick. He had been one of my biggest tormenters. I went out on the dance floor and we began to dance. He pulled me in close and said that he was sorry for how he treated me in school that he had been an ass. He then went on to say he finally realized what things had been like for me coming from 'somewhere else.' He had married a girl from another town and thought his 'friends' would accept her because she was his wife. Well, not only did they not accept her but they completely shut her out and as a result he was also pushed out of the cool group. Sad stuff that the bullies will continue to be bullies like it's their right.

I did appreciate his apology but I never went to another reunion and probably never will.

While in school I tried to be nice to those that got it worse than I did. I was already a target so I knew what they went through and how hard is it to smile and say hello? As I look back I see that there were a couple of those people that clung to me because I treated them like the human being they were/are. It didn't make things easier for me but in some way I thought I had enough strength to deflect some of the abuse off those people and onto me.

Being the outcast at school was almost nothing compared to being verbally and physically beaten down at home. Even my siblings were trained to be against me. I really figured it was how it was supposed to be for me and just waited for the day that I could leave that town.

My kids got an earful if I heard anything out of them that even remotely sounded like bullying...I simply did not tolerate it.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude.
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11-06-2013, 08:02 AM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
Elk, man.....glad you kept a cool head when you were younger. I can totally relate to the music being the perfect outlet, especially metal. Evil_monster

I never had it quite that bad growing up. Sure, I took some crap, but I gave some too, so fair is fair I guess. Reading some of these posts is heartbreaking. I know kids will be kids but everyone has their breaking point and no one should be pushed that far so early in life.

So any kids reading this thread who are dealing with bullying or abuse at home, take heart because one day soon enough you will be in charge of your own life and things will improve. Take a pointer from elk, put in those earbuds and crank it up. Do whatever you need to do to make it through, but make it through.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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11-06-2013, 02:06 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I'm very sorry you had to experience that, ELK, but I'm glad you kept from doing something you regret. If I'd been there, I'd have had your back, man. Cause your a good guy, I can tell Thumbsup
Aaron thinks you should branch out from Metal from time to time, though. If music can affect your mood as easily as it can mine, I'll find ya something, dude!
Give me a second Smile

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11-06-2013, 02:15 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(11-06-2013 03:23 AM)ELK12695 Wrote:  I read Atothetheist thread about his troubled past. First of all, might aswell give out my sympathies for him and urge to keep his state of the art brain cool. Now on to my past.

When I was from the age 13-15 I was bullied. I hated crowds. I didn't want to meet new people. I've said before that I'm not physically fit, not really fat, but my tummy is a bit big (I do not have diabetes type 2 or anything like that). That means that I hate classes like the gym class, since I think sports suck ass (also a big problem with crowds and diffrent classes since we crossed other classes where all the people I hated came from). I really had a problem with big groups of people, and tried to be alone as much as possible. Bad fucking idea. I didn't understand that if you're alone at that age, people will pick on you and hate you. It seems like teens in the age 13-15 have a disease, that can only be cured by embarrassing eachother for cheap laughs. I fell victim for this type of behavior.

When you are being bullied, the insults, the embarrassment, that's not the worst thing. The real bad thing is the suspense, the anticipation, the paranoia that something shitty is going to happen to you. That's the real torture. You will become aware of everything, you will make yourself as small as possible, you take no chances, you trust no one, anyone can betray you. Someone you can call a friend, an ally, can stab you in the back anytime for a cheap joke or laugh that will make seem like an idiot in from of everyone.

I guess I can say I was lucky I didn't get physically bullied, but being verbally bullied is pretty bad too.

Here comes the real point of the thread.
*Warning: The following part is pretty disturbing to read. This is the past, not the present. Whatever actions I would have done at that age is nothing I would do today. There is no reason to frame me for something I haven't done
While some people get depressed by bulling and commit suicide, I faced the fact that I could never kill myself. I can never believe in an afterlife or a god. I would never waste my life for these fools. On the other side, I had other problems. In the age 13-14, I faced depression over the bulling. But at age 15, something changed. I thought this year would be different, no bulling, no bullshit. Too bad 2010-2011 would be the worst 6-8 months in my life. There was this one guy I hated in particular, and he hated me too (I guess we still do since I'm typing this). I was bullied heavily by this asshole; his AD-HD bodyguards didn't make things any better. At that time, I never really suffered from sadness by being bullied. I got angry instead. I wanted this guy to die. I wanted him to die so fucking much. Every time class started up, I hoped somebody would just bring out the news he had been hit by a buss or a car or anything that could have killed him. Eventually I wanted to kill him myself. What should I do? Stab him? Beat him to death? Grab my Gramp's Mauser and shoot him? I knew that killing someone would fuck up my life forever, and that would be locked up for at least 20 years if I did(no death or life sentance in Norway). But I wanted him to die so fucking much. I really thought I was going to do it once, but I didn't. Here's why:

[Image: tumblr_lfi3eaCIY81qc005wo1_400.jpg]
When I first heard Slayer, I knew it was my type of band. And it worked miracles for me. Whenever I would get pissed beoynd imagination, I would pop in a Slayer CD, and the songs would take the aggression out for me. I don't know why it worked, but it did. The songs were so angry and furious that I helped me get through the rough times. Eventually, I knew that would never kill anyone. If I did, in the end, the assholes wins. I'm not going to sacrifce everything for something like revenge. I still hate him for the bulling, and would maybe be happy if I found out he fell off a cliff and died, but atleast I will not be the one ruining my life by ending his.

I can say that I owe my life to Slayer: Tom, Dave, Paul, especially Kerry and Jeff (That's why it broke me when Jeff died).

If you read the spoiler, you might have changed opinions about me. Please remember that I was 15, desperate and foolish. I am not attention-whoring on this matter; I just needed people to understand why I express so much hatred against careless teenagers. I feel alot better now that I have posted this, and it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not, I just needed to vent this.

I also wish to express much love towards Steven (A2thetheist), Matt (Free Thought), Richard (Fstratzero), Shane (Reasonandscience) and TheGulegon (Don't know your real name, buddy!)

I'm sorry you went through this. It's gotta be hard and as a mom, it just rips my heart put that someone made you feel that so bad. I'm so glad you found an outlet it seems in music. That's something I can completely relate to.

I'm a mom of two boys who hate hugs...but I hope you don't mind...

Hug


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11-06-2013, 07:29 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(11-06-2013 03:23 AM)ELK12695 Wrote:  I read Atothetheist thread about his troubled past. First of all, might aswell give out my sympathies for him and urge to keep his state of the art brain cool. Now on to my past.

When I was from the age 13-15 I was bullied. I hated crowds. I didn't want to meet new people. I've said before that I'm not physically fit, not really fat, but my tummy is a bit big (I do not have diabetes type 2 or anything like that). That means that I hate classes like the gym class, since I think sports suck ass (also a big problem with crowds and diffrent classes since we crossed other classes where all the people I hated came from). I really had a problem with big groups of people, and tried to be alone as much as possible. Bad fucking idea. I didn't understand that if you're alone at that age, people will pick on you and hate you. It seems like teens in the age 13-15 have a disease, that can only be cured by embarrassing eachother for cheap laughs. I fell victim for this type of behavior.

When you are being bullied, the insults, the embarrassment, that's not the worst thing. The real bad thing is the suspense, the anticipation, the paranoia that something shitty is going to happen to you. That's the real torture. You will become aware of everything, you will make yourself as small as possible, you take no chances, you trust no one, anyone can betray you. Someone you can call a friend, an ally, can stab you in the back anytime for a cheap joke or laugh that will make seem like an idiot in from of everyone.

I guess I can say I was lucky I didn't get physically bullied, but being verbally bullied is pretty bad too.

Here comes the real point of the thread.
*Warning: The following part is pretty disturbing to read. This is the past, not the present. Whatever actions I would have done at that age is nothing I would do today. There is no reason to frame me for something I haven't done
While some people get depressed by bulling and commit suicide, I faced the fact that I could never kill myself. I can never believe in an afterlife or a god. I would never waste my life for these fools. On the other side, I had other problems. In the age 13-14, I faced depression over the bulling. But at age 15, something changed. I thought this year would be different, no bulling, no bullshit. Too bad 2010-2011 would be the worst 6-8 months in my life. There was this one guy I hated in particular, and he hated me too (I guess we still do since I'm typing this). I was bullied heavily by this asshole; his AD-HD bodyguards didn't make things any better. At that time, I never really suffered from sadness by being bullied. I got angry instead. I wanted this guy to die. I wanted him to die so fucking much. Every time class started up, I hoped somebody would just bring out the news he had been hit by a buss or a car or anything that could have killed him. Eventually I wanted to kill him myself. What should I do? Stab him? Beat him to death? Grab my Gramp's Mauser and shoot him? I knew that killing someone would fuck up my life forever, and that would be locked up for at least 20 years if I did(no death or life sentance in Norway). But I wanted him to die so fucking much. I really thought I was going to do it once, but I didn't. Here's why:

[Image: tumblr_lfi3eaCIY81qc005wo1_400.jpg]
When I first heard Slayer, I knew it was my type of band. And it worked miracles for me. Whenever I would get pissed beoynd imagination, I would pop in a Slayer CD, and the songs would take the aggression out for me. I don't know why it worked, but it did. The songs were so angry and furious that I helped me get through the rough times. Eventually, I knew that would never kill anyone. If I did, in the end, the assholes wins. I'm not going to sacrifce everything for something like revenge. I still hate him for the bulling, and would maybe be happy if I found out he fell off a cliff and died, but atleast I will not be the one ruining my life by ending his.

I can say that I owe my life to Slayer: Tom, Dave, Paul, especially Kerry and Jeff (That's why it broke me when Jeff died).

If you read the spoiler, you might have changed opinions about me. Please remember that I was 15, desperate and foolish. I am not attention-whoring on this matter; I just needed people to understand why I express so much hatred against careless teenagers. I feel alot better now that I have posted this, and it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not, I just needed to vent this.

I also wish to express much love towards Steven (A2thetheist), Matt (Free Thought), Richard (Fstratzero), Shane (Reasonandscience) and TheGulegon (Don't know your real name, buddy!)

You're not alone. I think a lot of people have come close to doing something very tragic like that and had been restrained only by some miracle. People think of criminals as some sort of hideous monsters. Some are, but most are regular people who through a series of very bad decisions committed horrible crimes. You did the right thing.

When he was in high school, Stephen King wrote a novel which he later published called Rage, under the pen name of Richard Bachman. It was about a school shooter who goes on a rampage (very forward thinking for the 1960s) where the main character undergoes many of the same thoughts and feelings as you had. King pulled it from sale, partly because it had been the inspiration for several real world shootings but also because he felt it contained a very real and unpleasant truth about adolescence and the underclass of high school social life.

For those bold enough to look, here is the awful truth about high school.


School really, really does suck. The authorities don't care and, unless serious injury was involved, do nothing about it to fix these injustices and pretend they don't happen. The kids bleakly accept it as part of life and nothing changes. The sad thing is that the bullies, pricks and assholes in high school will ten years later still be doing the same sophomoric shit at your workplace. I often wonder the world would be a better place if a few of these creeps were shot and killed. But that's fantasy and ignores the real world consequences of such actions. You don't want to spend 20 years in prison for a dirty deed that life will eventually dish out to these twats.


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11-06-2013, 08:04 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
[Image: ac27c3ca-4b27-477f-b60f-e006a98935dd.jpg]

This girl was outcast in school. Had terrible hair, fat, ugly, would rather read fantasy and play nerd games or on the computer than do "cool" stuff.

This girl was told on her very first day of school *freshman year* at a new school in a new town that she was the ugliest girl someone had ever seen. Mean words all the time. She was never physically bullied, but words are just as harsh. She had a very small close knit group of friends that were also pretty outcast.

Luckily she had an amazing family who told her school was not real life, and that things get better, and encouraged me to be who I was instead of conforming. (Even though she thought killing herself would just be easier sometimes)

I'm glad she listened. I do however wish I could go back and tell her it would be okay.
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