How I avoided becoming a killer
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11-06-2013, 08:35 PM (This post was last modified: 11-06-2013 08:39 PM by cufflink.)
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I was never bullied in school. Not that I was a big jock or anything--I was what would probably be called a nerd today. But in junior high and high school I did very well academically, and I got recognition and respect for that, even from the jocks. I'm not sure that would be the case today, but it was back then.

Once, though--and only once--I myself took part in verbal bullying. It was in junior high; I suppose I was 13 or 14. The victim was a large, ungainly kid, tall and round, whose name I still remember. I didn't hate him. In fact, we were friendly with each other. But one day a bunch of kids were giving him a hard time, making fun of his size and shape. And I joined in, coming up with what seemed like a terribly clever nickname that referred to his body. He shot back at me, hitting me in my own vulnerable area (I stuttered badly at the time). As I recall, the incident was over quickly. I don't remember if it affected our subsequent interaction, although it's hard to see how it couldn't have. As I say, this was in junior high; we must have gone on to different high schools, because I don't have any other memories of this fellow.

This happened 55 years ago and I still think about it. I have no idea why I did what I did, why I joined in with the others to belittle a fellow student I had nothing against. I like to see myself as an independent thinker, not subject to groupthink, and yet on that one occasion I succumbed to . . . what? Peer pressure? A feeling of wanting to ingratiate myself with a group at the expense of an individual? I don't know. But I regret it to this day.

I sometimes think I should try to find the guy on Facebook and apologize--if he's even still around. But if he is, I have no reason to think he'd remember the incident. Probably a bad idea.

Now if I were a Christian, all I'd need to do is ask Jesus to forgive me, and that would be that. No more guilty conscience. Smile Being an atheist is sometimes hard, y'know?

Religious disputes are like arguments in a madhouse over which inmate really is Napoleon.
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23-10-2013, 11:13 AM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I think it feels a bit embarrassing to dig up this thread again, but after once again discussing bullying at school with other folks on this thread, specifically the people in the shoutbox, I think I need to give out something that means a lot me.

OP must be read to understand this fully.





This song is something Robb Flynn, rhythm guitar and vocalist of Machine Head, wrote to explain how little "real" religion mattered to him. Instead, he considers his religion to be music. Even If I might listen to music that's nosiy and often devoid of all melody, I believe it has boosted my confidence and sanity more than ever, helping me to get over the crap that happened back in the day. This isn't a remark about how pointless religion is, just that my sanctuary; what "saves" me is my love for music. It is not spiritual in any way, just what helps me get through the day. So I give my thanks to Slayer, Megadeth, Metallica, Anthrax, Machine Head, Judas Priest, Cannibal Corpse, Pantera and many other bands that I can't think of right now.

To conclude, if anyone ever invites me to a school re-union for the years 2008-2011; I ain't coming. I'll be home, listening to music.

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23-10-2013, 12:21 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I'm sorry Elk , but I have to say that I disagree with your method of dealing with this.
Mainly because I think you are not letting go of your anger , you're just pushing it in deeper, out of sight for the moment, and there's a limit to how much you can do that before there's no more room deep inside and it all bursts out.

. . . ................................ ......................................... . [Image: 2dsmnow.gif] Eat at Joe's
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23-10-2013, 12:32 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(23-10-2013 12:21 PM)Slowminded Wrote:  I'm sorry Elk , but I have to say that I disagree with your method of dealing with this.
Mainly because I think you are not letting go of your anger , you're just pushing it in deeper, out of sight for the moment, and there's a limit to how much you can do that before there's no more room deep inside and it all bursts out.

It has bursted out; it did when I started talking about it to people. I'm not pushing it in, I'm pushing it out, right now. That I have no intrest in talking to the people that did me harm before, is in my mind natural. I got nothing to say to them, and I've got a feeling they don't either.

Remember what I said in the OP. I have no intentions of hurting anyone, anymore. Because it would hurt me too, in so many ways.

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23-10-2013, 01:21 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(23-10-2013 12:32 PM)ELK12695 Wrote:  
(23-10-2013 12:21 PM)Slowminded Wrote:  I'm sorry Elk , but I have to say that I disagree with your method of dealing with this.
Mainly because I think you are not letting go of your anger , you're just pushing it in deeper, out of sight for the moment, and there's a limit to how much you can do that before there's no more room deep inside and it all bursts out.

It has bursted out; it did when I started talking about it to people. I'm not pushing it in, I'm pushing it out, right now. That I have no intrest in talking to the people that did me harm before, is in my mind natural. I got nothing to say to them, and I've got a feeling they don't either.

Remember what I said in the OP. I have no intentions of hurting anyone, anymore. Because it would hurt me too, in so many ways.
Talking to other people is a good move for sure, and it undoubtedly helps. If you say that's enough, I trust that, you know yourself best.

I can see that I come with a completely different mindset , it is impossible for me to put myself in your shoes, so I wont assume that I know what's the right thing to do for you.

I know it doesn't mean anything , but you have my support , and if you were worried that somebody will think less of you...don't. I can't offer much...but Hug

. . . ................................ ......................................... . [Image: 2dsmnow.gif] Eat at Joe's
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23-10-2013, 03:47 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I grew up in the 80's when most of those bands were coming into their prime. The early Slayer albums and shows did wonders for a teenage mind. It was amazing how people who were not fans would assume that the lyrics and aggresive guitars would promote violence and anger. It works in the opposite manner as most of the metalheads I hung out with were the most compasionate and respectful kids in my town.

Oh, and there are a few kids from school that I would not mind hearing became roadkill along the way, but the past is the past afterall.

Good to hear your outlet worked as good for you as it did for me in school.

There can be but little liberty on earth while men worship a tyrant in heaven. - Robert Green Ingersoll
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23-10-2013, 04:07 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
Even, first off - hugs. I know I was one of those who talked a bit about bullying in the shout-box. From what little I said, you may remember that I too, was bullied. And it was the same kind of bullying you received - verbal not physical.

I was picked on (starting in junior high, yes) for things I couldn't help: I was too skinny, I didn't hit puberty as quickly as the other girls, I didn't understand the sexual jokes they made, I liked the academic aspect of school and so was labeled a dork (though they were perfectly happy to cheat off me, to profit from my hard work), and the list went on and on. I went home nearly every day in tears it was so awful.

So I suppose it's no surprise that when I first heard about the shootings at Columbine, I sympathized not with the students who had been the shooters' targets, but the shooters themselves, so your saying what you did in that spoiler in the first post in no way makes me think ill of you.

I had someone much like Dom in my life up until about 4th or 5th grade. She was tougher than me, less prone to just take what people dished out to her, and so I more or less stayed under her wing for a while. The problems came when her parents pulled her out of school to be homeschooled. After that, my life was hell. Every day it was something. Either they (the two girls who zeroed in on me) out-and-out would make belittling comments about my still-childish figure or they'd knock pencils or other supplies off my desk, etc. Small things, they seem to be on the surface, but the point was they made it clear that they didn't like me, that I wasn't welcome.

I thought, There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me and they feel compelled to tell everyone. I was like a plague or disease that the other kids needed to be warned against. I took that belief to heart and really just turned it inward. I began to hate myself as much as they seemed to.

I didn't come to the same conclusions you did, however. For me, while the thought of my bullies just disappearing was nice, the problem was with me (I was so convinced of that), and so I felt if they were removed from the situation, there'd just be someone else to take their place. Removing myself from the equation seemed like the best solution. I thought about suicide, yes, but so far as I knew there was no painless way to do it, and I just couldn't stand the thought of any more pain, whether physical or otherwise.

So I contented myself with wishing I'd never been born. My mom frequently reminded me that she'd never wanted children, so that wish more or less dominated my thoughts. Music also helped me, too.

I remember listening to Korn's "Dirty" over and over, just blasting it in my ears and thinking of what a miserable little fuck I was, how much I hated myself, and that song just drilled it in even more. I listened to Orgy's "Dizzy" and felt the same way. A lot of rock music was a comfort to me. There was an underlying anger to the songs I latched onto, and lots of self-loathing that I understood all too well.

One day, I said something to my bullies. It wasn't even anything cool or tough or even especially catty. I just said something to them about how snotty or rude they were being and it all came to an end. They never bothered me again. That was baffling to me as well. I couldn't figure out why they would attack someone with such single-minded focus and then just stop, and for my having said so relatively little.

Years later, my kids went to that same school and every time I stepped foot on that campus, this feeling of intense discomfort would settle in my gut. I hated hearing everyone talk about how great the school was, about all their good memories, about how the students there were like family. It seemed to me to trivialize or dismiss the horrendous experience I had.

I mentioned in passing (in high school, I believe it was) to one of the girls who'd bullied me that she had teased me, picked on me back in junior high and she didn't even remember. Something that made me wish I were dead meant absolutely nothing to her. That was very painful to learn. They were such a huge part of my life and I'd been nothing to them. They'd focused so much ill intent on me and yet it was nothing in their books. I was an after-thought.

I will say that I've had a much better time of it in the adult world, and I hope it will be the same for you. For now, just know that you're not the only one who'll never attend their high school reunion.

Anyway, if you ever need to vent, just know that I'm here for you.

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23-10-2013, 04:55 PM (This post was last modified: 23-10-2013 09:02 PM by Hughsie.)
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
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"Humans always measure what they see in front of them to what they already know. They will deny anything outside of that. They are shallow lifeforms, so enthralled with superficial appearances that they fail to see the truth."
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23-10-2013, 05:01 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
Congrats on keeping cool about it. Bullies can ruin your day from the moment you wake up, just knowing (or not knowing) what the day holds. It seems a common thing for people to find comfort in certain types of music. I know it played a big role in my time in highschool.

I can remember 5 bullies from my past. None of them bullied me for more than a couple months. I wasn't as tollerant as you were. The first one ended up in the hospital with missing teeth, and never returned to the same school. I actually never saw or heard from him again... The fight happened in the bathroom, and he wasn't moving afterward (freaked me out when I saw some similarities in Enders Game). I was probably in grade 3 or 4(?).

Actually, 3 of the 5 bullies ended up severely injured with missing teeth. The other two weren't exactly winners either. One changed his attitude, which was great for everyone, and I forgave him. The other must have been expelled or moved. School was like a warzone. I was stabbed on multiple occasions, suffered broken bones, had chairs and other objects thrown at me, and experienced an attempted robbery, which as an invincible teenager, I obviously resisted. I wasn't aggressive or angry in school. I didn't ask for trouble.. I honestly don't know how some people survive it.
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23-10-2013, 05:11 PM (This post was last modified: 23-10-2013 09:03 PM by Hughsie.)
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(23-10-2013 04:55 PM)MrAttacus Wrote:  Content Removed

First of all, Mr Badass:
[Image: 3c9de4e010bd3a57a0d8cb93cc9ad6e7.png]

Allow me to say it as it is. You look on me and see a person that seems to be proud of wanting to go to such desperate measures. It isn't. WAS my worldview misguided? Oh, sure it was. But at that age, I didn't know what to do. You say "Oh, just get help". Have you been to a junior-high before? The fact to admit you are being bullied isn't easy to admit, and when the people who are paid to make sure that everybody isn't bullied can't control about 300 kids in at one school with a massive school yard, stuff isn't easy. The question if I could have killed someone or not, is irrelevant; I hated a person so much I would see him gone, but if I had the power to do it or not doesn't matter since I didn't. The music from my favorite bands calmed me, helped me progress my anger and sorrow. I don't even want to think about what I could have done if find a way to channel it. That I could have hurt someone could have been the result.

And from there, I have become a better, smarter, and less stupid person. Your insults, doesn't aid anything. It just makes me think you're idiot who has a need to feel tough over the net. The story didn't impress you? Well, then I'm sorry, it wasn't the point. This isn't called the entertainment thread.

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