How I avoided becoming a killer
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23-10-2013, 05:14 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I do remember bullying two other kids. Not repeatedly or intensely... But even those two single occasions still bother me. One guy must have had some developmental disorder which made him a complete cunt, so although I feel bad for my own actions, he can still fuck right off. The other guy was an old friend, who I've been trying to contact and appologize to. He doesn't seem to have facebook, and nobody seems to know what happened to him. Sad
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23-10-2013, 05:19 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(23-10-2013 05:14 PM)WeAreTheCosmos Wrote:  I do remember bullying two other kids. Not repeatedly or intensely... But even those two single occasions still bother me. One guy must have had some developmental disorder which made him a complete cunt, so although I feel bad for my own actions, he can still fuck right off. The other guy was an old friend, who I've been trying to contact and appologize to. He doesn't seem to have facebook, and nobody seems to know what happened to him. Sad

At one point, I think we have all bullied someone. I think I might have done it too, and I feel like the persons that I might have done so to has the right to punch me right in the face.

But I think I want to leave these people behind and move on with my life, with new friends that I can trust.

[Image: 9f6.gif]
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23-10-2013, 05:46 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I think I need to clear this out, or I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Even if Mr. Attacus reply was pretty ignorant, written by a person who thinks he/she is a genius but fails to pick up the rules of a thread, it made me think.

When I first wrote the OP, it was the first time I was open about this issue. I was very mad when I wrote it, admittedly. First of all, the people that did me wrong, do I want them much harm; to die? No. I just want to left alone. I have made up my mind, I don't want to see, talk or know them anymore. I got nothing to say to them. I'm leaving it behind.

Secondly, did I ever have the "power" to commit murder? Mr. Attacus, I'm speaking to you now. You're talking to me like I always wanted to be a violent person. I never did; infact, I tried to ignore people as much as I could. I don't want to know if I was ever capable to do such a horrifying thing. But kinda looks like you want to know. I can answer the question for you: you're never going to find out, 'cause it ain't happening. I wrote this thread just so that I could express my fear for becoming something really horrifying, and how much music matters to me. That's all (folks!).

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23-10-2013, 08:55 PM (This post was last modified: 25-10-2013 06:01 PM by Anjele.)
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(23-10-2013 04:55 PM)MrAttacus Wrote:  Content Removed

There are special rules for this part of the forum. It is the support forum. Your post is less than supportive. In the future please refrain from posting in this section if you cannot follow that rule.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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23-10-2013, 08:58 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
You guys... There are no words. Heart

It breaks my heart to read about all of your experiences with this. I hate that kids do this kind of shit, and I hate even more that it means so much to the victims and so very little to the aggressor. Many of the high school 'bullies' probably have never thought of themselves as such. I'm sure many of them still don't realize that they made someone's life absolute hell. No

I was a social outcast throughout my entire school career (and still am, really) but I've never been afraid to stand up for myself and was always pretty good at fighting so I never had these issues - at least not for long. Now my daughter is in 4th grade and she is the opposite of me in terms of temperament. She's very sensitive and takes everything personally where I couldn't care less what anyone thought of me. She also has 0 pain tolerance and I can't imagine her ever being in a fight. I was a glutton for punishment and actually kind of enjoyed the bruises and cuts I got from the numerous fights I was in. I can't even imagine teaching her to hit a punching bag she's such a sissy. And she makes it far too easy for her bullies by taking everything so personally and letting them get to her. I don't know what to do with her.

To the OP, I think no less of you. Many people have entertained dark thoughts like yours. Some aren't strong enough to get through them without caving. You were. It speaks to your strength, not your weakness. I'm glad you are here to share this story with us. Hug

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it- not even if I have said it- unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha
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24-10-2013, 07:18 AM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I attended a private girl's school for a couple of years. The bullying was usually in the form of snide remarks from the cliques of 4 or 5 girls that formed. Into the second year one group challenged their leader to take me on, physically. She'd fancied herself as pretty tough. She came at me and in a spit second I had her on the floor with me on top of her, As she landed on her back my weight across her rib cage knocked the wind out of her. It was a technique my uncle had taught me when about 9. No one else wanted to take me on. That ended the bullying.
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25-10-2013, 01:14 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
I didn't really know you beforehand, so I can't think differently about you now. It seems like you're a smart guy and you have a good head on your shoulders.
You cannot judge people based on their feelings, but only on their actions.
I have a lot of respect for people who can survive teen bullying without hurting/killing themselves or anyone else.
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25-10-2013, 04:08 PM
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
(11-06-2013 03:23 AM)ELK12695 Wrote:  I read Atothetheist thread about his troubled past. First of all, might aswell give out my sympathies for him and urge to keep his state of the art brain cool. Now on to my past.

When I was from the age 13-15 I was bullied. I hated crowds. I didn't want to meet new people. I've said before that I'm not physically fit, not really fat, but my tummy is a bit big (I do not have diabetes type 2 or anything like that). That means that I hate classes like the gym class, since I think sports suck ass (also a big problem with crowds and diffrent classes since we crossed other classes where all the people I hated came from). I really had a problem with big groups of people, and tried to be alone as much as possible. Bad fucking idea. I didn't understand that if you're alone at that age, people will pick on you and hate you. It seems like teens in the age 13-15 have a disease, that can only be cured by embarrassing eachother for cheap laughs. I fell victim for this type of behavior.

When you are being bullied, the insults, the embarrassment, that's not the worst thing. The real bad thing is the suspense, the anticipation, the paranoia that something shitty is going to happen to you. That's the real torture. You will become aware of everything, you will make yourself as small as possible, you take no chances, you trust no one, anyone can betray you. Someone you can call a friend, an ally, can stab you in the back anytime for a cheap joke or laugh that will make seem like an idiot in from of everyone.

I guess I can say I was lucky I didn't get physically bullied, but being verbally bullied is pretty bad too.

Here comes the real point of the thread.
*Warning: The following part is pretty disturbing to read. This is the past, not the present. Whatever actions I would have done at that age is nothing I would do today. There is no reason to frame me for something I haven't done
While some people get depressed by bulling and commit suicide, I faced the fact that I could never kill myself. I can never believe in an afterlife or a god. I would never waste my life for these fools. On the other side, I had other problems. In the age 13-14, I faced depression over the bulling. But at age 15, something changed. I thought this year would be different, no bulling, no bullshit. Too bad 2010-2011 would be the worst 6-8 months in my life. There was this one guy I hated in particular, and he hated me too (I guess we still do since I'm typing this). I was bullied heavily by this asshole; his AD-HD bodyguards didn't make things any better. At that time, I never really suffered from sadness by being bullied. I got angry instead. I wanted this guy to die. I wanted him to die so fucking much. Every time class started up, I hoped somebody would just bring out the news he had been hit by a buss or a car or anything that could have killed him. Eventually I wanted to kill him myself. What should I do? Stab him? Beat him to death? Grab my Gramp's Mauser and shoot him? I knew that killing someone would fuck up my life forever, and that would be locked up for at least 20 years if I did(no death or life sentance in Norway). But I wanted him to die so fucking much. I really thought I was going to do it once, but I didn't. Here's why:

[Image: tumblr_lfi3eaCIY81qc005wo1_400.jpg]
When I first heard Slayer, I knew it was my type of band. And it worked miracles for me. Whenever I would get pissed beoynd imagination, I would pop in a Slayer CD, and the songs would take the aggression out for me. I don't know why it worked, but it did. The songs were so angry and furious that I helped me get through the rough times. Eventually, I knew that would never kill anyone. If I did, in the end, the assholes wins. I'm not going to sacrifce everything for something like revenge. I still hate him for the bulling, and would maybe be happy if I found out he fell off a cliff and died, but atleast I will not be the one ruining my life by ending his.

I can say that I owe my life to Slayer: Tom, Dave, Paul, especially Kerry and Jeff (That's why it broke me when Jeff died).

If you read the spoiler, you might have changed opinions about me. Please remember that I was 15, desperate and foolish. I am not attention-whoring on this matter; I just needed people to understand why I express so much hatred against careless teenagers. I feel alot better now that I have posted this, and it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not, I just needed to vent this.

I also wish to express much love towards Steven (A2thetheist), Matt (Free Thought), Richard (Fstratzero), Shane (Reasonandscience) and TheGulegon (Don't know your real name, buddy!)

I have some similarities. I wasn't chubby, but I was hated because I wasn't a Christian. There were a couple of assholes in particular who I hated, one of which DID die of a heart attack. I was glad he had died. I found my music to be very therapeutic as well. There is a magic in music. It soothes the savage beast. Thanks for sharing.

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25-10-2013, 05:56 PM (This post was last modified: 25-10-2013 06:10 PM by Mr Woof.)
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
Wow! Just raised the courage to read this thread. Didn't know what to expect?Huh

First congratulations on coming to grips with what is very bad stuff going on today.Thumbsup

As a kid in the forties, raised by two war widows, I endured a fair bit of bullying.
I think it is much more intense and evil today. Something that has always stayed in my mind is a little girl saying..."He hasn't even got a father!".

Been to many weird places sinceEvil_monster with regrets, craziness, alcohol, drugs, all manner of insanity tearing me all over the place.....Hatred , especially long term, is a very destructive trait!

I am so happy that you seem to be on the right track, and hope you continue to think and grow......

On re reading the spoiler, while your method provided some liberation, as indicated, I would suggest you try and forget the bullying, and hatred of the offenders.....you don't have to love them.......maybe just a sort of tolerant forgetfulness about them.Consider
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25-10-2013, 06:28 PM (This post was last modified: 25-10-2013 06:37 PM by sporehux.)
RE: How I avoided becoming a killer
Thanks for sharing ELK , At some point in school I realized I was part of the Bully crowd, going along with the cruelty of just 1 - 2 ring leaders.
Only changed my ways when the one bigger than me was expelled permanently.

Have forever felt guilty for it, and I sort of like that that the guilt is always there for i feel it has given me a strong empathy for people, and am able to notice bulling/oppression more clearly. .

The christian notion of forgiving sins to me seems like to forget or excuse, sweep under the rug.

Sins (to harm another) to me should be kept , they make you a better person.

Metal /Slayer/Megadeath to me probably helped stop me killing my father.

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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