I sympathize. I looked at other people, and I saw the nastiness that I learned was "normal." To me, all of us humans were no better than an evil... you know, this guy.. -> "Bwahahah! Speak and you will receive my wrath! HAH!" I believed that being mean and selfish was how the human world worked.
My door stop was my lack of motivation, a friend that wanted me to visit her every week (helped amazingly to be wanted by someone), and homeschool kids whose kindness seemed very unusual at the time (they were polite, you see). Basically, recovery with help.
I'm sorry if you had to deal with an ignorant person who doesn't get how it works. I wander if they don't get former believers either. That has plenty of psychological baggage and automatic responses to.
"My Daddy has a house on his head." Lienda's description of her Dad's biggest worry during First grade has become a reality, but not a garment as the teacher had suspected.
(11-06-2013 03:23 AM)ELK12695 Wrote: I read Atothetheist thread about his troubled past. First of all, might aswell give out my sympathies for him and urge to keep his state of the art brain cool. Now on to my past.
When I was from the age 13-15 I was bullied. I hated crowds. I didn't want to meet new people. I've said before that I'm not physically fit, not really fat, but my tummy is a bit big (I do not have diabetes type 2 or anything like that). That means that I hate classes like the gym class, since I think sports suck ass (also a big problem with crowds and diffrent classes since we crossed other classes where all the people I hated came from). I really had a problem with big groups of people, and tried to be alone as much as possible. Bad fucking idea. I didn't understand that if you're alone at that age, people will pick on you and hate you. It seems like teens in the age 13-15 have a disease, that can only be cured by embarrassing eachother for cheap laughs. I fell victim for this type of behavior.
When you are being bullied, the insults, the embarrassment, that's not the worst thing. The real bad thing is the suspense, the anticipation, the paranoia that something shitty is going to happen to you. That's the real torture. You will become aware of everything, you will make yourself as small as possible, you take no chances, you trust no one, anyone can betray you. Someone you can call a friend, an ally, can stab you in the back anytime for a cheap joke or laugh that will make seem like an idiot in from of everyone.
I guess I can say I was lucky I didn't get physically bullied, but being verbally bullied is pretty bad too.
Here comes the real point of the thread.
*Warning: The following part is pretty disturbing to read. This is the past, not the present. Whatever actions I would have done at that age is nothing I would do today. There is no reason to frame me for something I haven't done
While some people get depressed by bulling and commit suicide, I faced the fact that I could never kill myself. I can never believe in an afterlife or a god. I would never waste my life for these fools. On the other side, I had other problems. In the age 13-14, I faced depression over the bulling. But at age 15, something changed. I thought this year would be different, no bulling, no bullshit. Too bad 2010-2011 would be the worst 6-8 months in my life. There was this one guy I hated in particular, and he hated me too (I guess we still do since I'm typing this). I was bullied heavily by this asshole; his AD-HD bodyguards didn't make things any better. At that time, I never really suffered from sadness by being bullied. I got angry instead. I wanted this guy to die. I wanted him to die so fucking much. Every time class started up, I hoped somebody would just bring out the news he had been hit by a buss or a car or anything that could have killed him. Eventually I wanted to kill him myself. What should I do? Stab him? Beat him to death? Grab my Gramp's Mauser and shoot him? I knew that killing someone would fuck up my life forever, and that would be locked up for at least 20 years if I did(no death or life sentance in Norway). But I wanted him to die so fucking much. I really thought I was going to do it once, but I didn't. Here's why:
When I first heard Slayer, I knew it was my type of band. And it worked miracles for me. Whenever I would get pissed beoynd imagination, I would pop in a Slayer CD, and the songs would take the aggression out for me. I don't know why it worked, but it did. The songs were so angry and furious that I helped me get through the rough times. Eventually, I knew that would never kill anyone. If I did, in the end, the assholes wins. I'm not going to sacrifce everything for something like revenge. I still hate him for the bulling, and would maybe be happy if I found out he fell off a cliff and died, but atleast I will not be the one ruining my life by ending his.
I can say that I owe my life to Slayer: Tom, Dave, Paul, especially Kerry and Jeff (That's why it broke me when Jeff died).
If you read the spoiler, you might have changed opinions about me. Please remember that I was 15, desperate and foolish. I am not attention-whoring on this matter; I just needed people to understand why I express so much hatred against careless teenagers. I feel alot better now that I have posted this, and it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not, I just needed to vent this.
I also wish to express much love towards Steven (A2thetheist), Matt (Free Thought), Richard (Fstratzero), Shane (Reasonandscience) and TheGulegon (Don't know your real name, buddy!)
That great to hear Slayer helped you get thought that shit. When I was a fucked up as teen, Slayer was almost like drug to me.
Your feelings of hate are not unusual at all. I felt like that in school, also. The fact that you had intense rage directed at those fuckers, but didn't lose your mind is an indication of intelligence and maturity.