How do I deal with shame and guilt?
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29-07-2012, 05:30 PM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
Interesting... so what about it is shameful? Oh...right, Shocking naked.

Everyone is naked under their clothes - News flash: humans pretty much all look the same. Oh, sure a few personal scars or moles here and there to make things interesting, but pretty much the same equipment. Although you might feel quite self-conscious, you aren't really hurting anyone. No harm, no foul. Thumbsup

The only thing anyone should be ashamed of would be actually hurting someone or doing something with "intent" to hurt. If there is another person involved and that person is not considered, then one might be guilty of being inconsiderate and possibly breaking a trust with that person. If one can quickly look at a situation and think it's embarrassing but doesn't actually harm anyone... it's ok. Shy

I think "shame" and "guilt" might be different for every person - a personal thing. Of course... ya gotta learn your own limits about what you can take. In other words... be honest with yourself - can you laugh at yourself? Believe me... I've done a few things that still make me cringe ... but oh well, I'm old and now they make me laugh. Unsure Oh hell, they probably made me laugh a few months after they happened. Time makes shit look ... well ... different. Dodgy

BUT you have to know that others might not be considerate about your limits or your feelings at all. A little of this is learning to take it... but also, you really have to LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF. If you think you might not be able to handle some kind of embarrassment... then just don't do that thing.

Kind of simple... but yea, you know your limits AND if you are around people you might not know well... tough titty. If you aren't comfortable, fuck 'em. Protect yourself a little and let yourself go a little - it's all a part of learning about yourself, about others, and learning to have fun.

I say this because.... uhm.... well... you don't really know people on the internet. You don't. So don't freak out... and don't worry, you only got naked. It's not that big of a deal, remember? You are ok. You didn't hurt anyone else, it just doesn't matter.

Repeat:
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.

grumble, mumble mmm... go away kid, you bother me. Dodgy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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29-07-2012, 05:38 PM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
Your naked body is nothing to be ashamed of. It's beautiful, all bodies are beautiful. At 18 you may be insecure about it still, but if you look at yourself differently, you will see that you have lots to be proud of.

If being naked makes you ashamed, figure out why you feel that way about it and I bet it's not really important. Most times it's left from childhood, when you learned not to run around naked. Sometimes we learn our lessons too well when we are little.

Look at some art that portrays nudes and see if that makes you feel ashamed. It shouldn't, it's beautiful.

As far as the guilt goes, you didn't hurt anyone (except perhaps yourself if it made you feel bad) and so there is nothing to feel guilty about at all.

Now, having said all that, just watch yourself online. You really have no idea who you might be talking to. Anyone can pretend to be anything, anyone can use any pics they like. It's not safe to do anything but talk. Don't give out your real name or your address or anything. If you must meet someone, meet them in a public place like a cafe, one that is not anywhere near your normal stomping grounds. And depart by cab. Better safe than sorry.

In any case, nothing horrible happened. You showed yourself to someone who, for reasons of their own, couldn't deal with what they asked for. Or they got their kicks that way. Shame on them, not you!


PS. Kim must have posted while I was writing and we say pretty much the same thing.

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29-07-2012, 05:40 PM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
(29-07-2012 05:30 PM)kim Wrote:  Interesting... so what about it is shameful? Oh...right, Shocking naked.

Everyone is naked under their clothes - News flash: humans pretty much all look the same. Oh, sure a few personal scars or moles here and there to make things interesting, but pretty much the same equipment. Although you might feel quite self-conscious, you aren't really hurting anyone. No harm, no foul. Thumbsup

The only thing anyone should be ashamed of would be actually hurting someone or doing something with "intent" to hurt. If there is another person involved and that person is not considered, then one might be guilty of being inconsiderate and possibly breaking a trust with that person. If one can quickly look at a situation and think it's embarrassing but doesn't actually harm anyone... it's ok. Shy

I think "shame" and "guilt" might be different for every person - a personal thing. Of course... ya gotta learn your own limits about what you can take. In other words... be honest with yourself - can you laugh at yourself? Believe me... I've done a few things that still make me cringe ... but oh well, I'm old and now they make me laugh. Unsure Oh hell, they probably made me laugh a few months after they happened. Time makes shit look ... well ... different. Dodgy

BUT you have to know that others might not be considerate about your limits or your feelings at all. A little of this is learning to take it... but also, you really have to LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF. If you think you might not be able to handle some kind of embarrassment... then just don't do that thing.

Kind of simple... but yea, you know your limits AND if you are around people you might not know well... tough titty. If you aren't comfortable, fuck 'em. Protect yourself a little and let yourself go a little - it's all a part of learning about yourself, about others, and learning to have fun.

I say this because.... uhm.... well... you don't really know people on the internet. You don't. So don't freak out... and don't worry, you only got naked. It's not that big of a deal, remember? You are ok. You didn't hurt anyone else, it just doesn't matter.

Repeat:
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.

grumble, mumble mmm... go away kid, you bother me. Dodgy

You should listen to Bill Murray. She knows her shit. Smile

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
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29-07-2012, 06:10 PM (This post was last modified: 29-07-2012 06:19 PM by kim.)
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
(29-07-2012 05:40 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  
(29-07-2012 05:30 PM)kim Wrote:  So don't freak out... and don't worry, you only got naked. It's not that big of a deal, remember? You are ok. You didn't hurt anyone else, it just doesn't matter.

Repeat:
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.

You should listen to Bill Murray. She knows her shit. Smile

I'm not Bill Murray and I still approve this message. Thumbsup



A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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30-07-2012, 05:07 AM (This post was last modified: 30-07-2012 05:12 AM by Filox.)
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
My, my, what else shall I read on in here... And I always thought I was the "weird" one.

Big Grin

OK, let me start. First, what's done is done, there is no point in going back and thinking about it. You did nothing wrong to anyone and therefore you did nothing bad or wrong. That concludes this "bad" part.

You feel shame only if you are ashamed of your body. Why would you be ashamed if you were willing to show it to someone? This means you were not ashamed of your body, so why would you be ashamed now? Aha, you think it's not the girl you thought it's going to be, but maybe some troll guy? But, if you never seen the girl in the first place, that means you never knew the person you wanted to show your body to, so in the end, you were going to strip in front of a stranger, and that is exactly what you did. I see no reason for shame here.

Guilt? Why, did you kill someone? Beat up someone and left them in critical condition? Why in the world would you feel guilt, you did nothing to no one. Except to yourself, but we have covered that one a few sentences ago.

And now the last thing, an advice. You are on the Internet. The Internet is not your house, family or a friend. You DO NOT give your name to anyone EVER, you do NOT put your pictures on the Internet for people to see, not even on Facebook. You never, ever, not in your wildest dreams take off your cloths in front t of a web cam. Not even for your girlfriend, because you never know who is trying to intercept your Skype call, or what does your girlfriend want to do with that picture/video. You don't EVER trust anyone online if you do not know them in real life. We are all strangers, and no matter how much time did we "talk" like this, no matter how much do you like me, or him, or her, you never, ever trust anyone from the Internets.

Unfortunately, you have learned this the hard way. What can you do now? Nothing, forget about it, who cares? You might, but why would you care?

Look, someone maybe made you look stupid. Not the first time, not the last time somebody did that. We all make mistakes to learn from them. What you need to do is start joking about this. This was someone's prank and you should accept it like that. Laugh and move on. If it will make you easier, go to youtube and take a look at all those underaged girls that shake their asses in front of a web-cam. If they are not ashamed or feel guilty, why would you be?

Big Grin

P.S.

Who says you CAN'T go back to Jesus. Sure you can, any time you WANT to...

Tongue

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30-07-2012, 05:35 AM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
Girls are icky and confusing. It's hard to know whether she chickened out or was playing you all along. If she was playing you its hard to know what she'll do with her footage.
Worst case: she posts it online and you become an internet meme. Pride man. Own that.
Best case she actually likes you. Pride. Great.
It seems you should only feel bad about this if there is a consequence here you can't deal with. So the question is, what is it you are ashamed of here? What consequence are you afraid of? If none strike fear into you then you can let go of your guilt. Alternatively what consequences do you think have already happened?
Looking for internal reasons: it seems like you have stepped over a boundary you have set up in your own moral code. That is something to be ashamed of, but hormones and lack of dire consequences can at least help you to understand what happened. Perhaps it is time to review this boundary. Perhaps it isn't a boundary you need to keep. Perhaps the boundary should be moved. If you decide the boundary should stay then use this as a learning opportunity. You know something about yourself now that you didn't know before. You know that if a girl promises she'll get naked that's enough for you to ignore boundaries you would have normally applied to yourself. In the future you should link the prospect of sexy time with an action in your brain to review your boundaries and refuse to cross them. In fact, set additional boundaries well inside what you aren't willing to give up and if you find yourself crossing a minor boundary on the way to the boundary you care about not crossing then it's time to pull out.

Give me your argument in the form of a published paper, and then we can start to talk.
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30-07-2012, 05:43 AM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
Oh my Buddha!
Everyone is being so supportive and caring and adviceful.

My advice:
You got pwned.
Suck it up, kid.

Next time you meet her I suggest you pretend remorse and shame and when she gloats then break into a smile, shrug and say "ok, you got me. And you taught me a lesson, so, I thank you."

Against Filox's advice, DLJ is my real name and this pic is really me. There are so many pics of me in compromising positions with various and multiple fillies that I just go with the Duke of Wellington when faced with a blackmail threat "Publish and be damned".

I reckon it's part of my persona.

[see earlier post... Option 1: Denial]

btw... find the Skype thread on here somewhere. I believe it is the accepted norm to be naked when chatting with fellow forum members (no pun intended).

And dude...
If you've got it...
flaunt it!

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30-07-2012, 06:01 AM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
DLJ, it is not your real name, it is just 3 letters. It may be the first 3 letters of your real name, but I could never in a million years guess what your name is. You also say this is your picture, but why would I believe you, it can be anyone's picture...

See where I'm going with this one?

Tongue

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30-07-2012, 06:30 AM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
OK forget the answer I PM'd. Forget the guilt and shame, focus on getting even! Let's smoke this bitch out and do something really stupid! Who's with me?
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30-07-2012, 06:49 AM
RE: How do I deal with shame and guilt?
Sure, I'm with you. Dieljay, are you with us? Oh, sorry, I thought your name was Dieljay...

Tongue

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