How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
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07-12-2015, 07:57 PM
How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
I post quite a bit on here about my personal issues but I've never talked about this one because it's pretty personal. Ever since I stopped being a christian, I realized just how messed up my family is. My mother met my step father when I was 8, and from 10 to the age of 17 he sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me. My mother says that she didn't know that he was sexually abusing me. I was 18 years old when I told her what happened. At first she was shocked, and then she was kind of angry, then she had a hard time believing me, then she asked me exactly what he would do to me. And then...nothing. She would occasionally ask me if he'd done anything to me recently and I would tell her no because he hadn't. But then there was new years where he randomly got super upset at me over nothing, I one day just came home and he was mad. and long story short he hit me 3 times and confiscated my phone even though I paid for it. I am and was very independent, I just still lived with my parents. I had a nose bleed and a swollen eye and at first she was mad and told him to get out, and then she told me she wasn't going to put up with that, but of course he came back and she acted like nothing ever happened.

I'm really close to grandparents and they know what happened, and they're pretty upset about the whole situation. I live a few blocks away from my mother with my current boyfriend. I haven't seen her in a few months even though it wouldn't be out of the way for me to visit. Every time I go there my step dad hugs me and tries to be nice and my mom tells me how he misses me, and I'm just disgusted. I text her during the week, but I refuse to visit if he's there. She has a child by this man who is 8 years old and I'm afraid for my brother. I'm really hurt that my mother would stay with someone who has done so much damage to me mentally and physically. Someone who has manipulated her and that I caught cheating on an online dating site.
How do I forgive her? Because honestly, I don't know if I can.
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07-12-2015, 08:10 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
Hug I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I'm also glad to hear you are out of that situation.

You don't need to forgive anyone if you don't want to--especially when they are continuing to hurt you. If someone was continuing to be an enabler, I personally don't think I would forgive them. If your step father tries to hug you, I would just tell him you would appreciate it if he doesn't hug you. And if he asks why--I would just simply say "You know why" and then change the subject. If it wasn't for your brother, I would tell you to completely limit contact with them--but I understand why you would still want to see your little brother and therefore limiting contact is not really an option. If your stepfather hits you again, file charges with the police department.

Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our families, but we can choose our friends and our significant others. I would focus on building that network of support and also possibly talk to a therapist to help you process everything that happened.
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07-12-2015, 09:50 PM
How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Hugs. Forgiveness takes time. I haven't forgiven my ex for manipulating me and controlling me. I don't know if I can or will. When you are ready to forgive you will know. If you are dwelling on this too much it will eat at you. If you find yourself obsessing over it change your thoughts to something else. I hope this helps.
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07-12-2015, 09:53 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 07:57 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  I post quite a bit on here about my personal issues but I've never talked about this one because it's pretty personal. Ever since I stopped being a christian, I realized just how messed up my family is. My mother met my step father when I was 8, and from 10 to the age of 17 he sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me. My mother says that she didn't know that he was sexually abusing me. I was 18 years old when I told her what happened. At first she was shocked, and then she was kind of angry, then she had a hard time believing me, then she asked me exactly what he would do to me. And then...nothing. She would occasionally ask me if he'd done anything to me recently and I would tell her no because he hadn't. But then there was new years where he randomly got super upset at me over nothing, I one day just came home and he was mad. and long story short he hit me 3 times and confiscated my phone even though I paid for it. I am and was very independent, I just still lived with my parents. I had a nose bleed and a swollen eye and at first she was mad and told him to get out, and then she told me she wasn't going to put up with that, but of course he came back and she acted like nothing ever happened.

I'm really close to grandparents and they know what happened, and they're pretty upset about the whole situation. I live a few blocks away from my mother with my current boyfriend. I haven't seen her in a few months even though it wouldn't be out of the way for me to visit. Every time I go there my step dad hugs me and tries to be nice and my mom tells me how he misses me, and I'm just disgusted. I text her during the week, but I refuse to visit if he's there. She has a child by this man who is 8 years old and I'm afraid for my brother. I'm really hurt that my mother would stay with someone who has done so much damage to me mentally and physically. Someone who has manipulated her and that I caught cheating on an online dating site.
How do I forgive her? Because honestly, I don't know if I can.


Call the police! Tell them everything.

Trust me, I know about this shit. Call the police.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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07-12-2015, 10:17 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
Banjo is right. This is a matter for the police.

You may like to tell someone who can support you while you deal with the police Can you find a counsellor, or perhaps a doctor who can refer you.

It doesn't matter how long ago this man committed these atrocities, he is a criminal and should be charged. Also the police need to know about your fears for your brother, perhaps your boyfriend can support you.

Forget about forgiving your mother if you find you can't, it wont repair the damage,

The man was/is the offender and he is the one that must be dealt with.
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07-12-2015, 10:39 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 10:17 PM)Purplerose Wrote:  Banjo is right. This is a matter for the police.

You may like to tell someone who can support you while you deal with the police Can you find a counsellor, or perhaps a doctor who can refer you.

It doesn't matter how long ago this man committed these atrocities, he is a criminal and should be charged. Also the police need to know about your fears for your brother, perhaps your boyfriend can support you.

Forget about forgiving your mother if you find you can't, it wont repair the damage,

The man was/is the offender and he is the one that must be dealt with.

Another thing to consider is, how many other children has this man assaulted. The OP has a civic duty to report the actions of this criminal.

Just take a friend with you to the police station. I am sure you must have someone who is close. Or simply phone them and they will come around.

If not, the police will provide counselling.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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07-12-2015, 11:12 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 08:10 PM)jennybee Wrote:  Hug I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I'm also glad to hear you are out of that situation.

You don't need to forgive anyone if you don't want to--especially when they are continuing to hurt you. If someone was continuing to be an enabler, I personally don't think I would forgive them. If your step father tries to hug you, I would just tell him you would appreciate it if he doesn't hug you. And if he asks why--I would just simply say "You know why" and then change the subject. If it wasn't for your brother, I would tell you to completely limit contact with them--but I understand why you would still want to see your little brother and therefore limiting contact is not really an option. If your stepfather hits you again, file charges with the police department.

Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our families, but we can choose our friends and our significant others. I would focus on building that network of support and also possibly talk to a therapist to help you process everything that happened.

Everyone is telling me I need to forgive because it's going to provide me some type of peace, not that I'm not peaceful but for awhile I was having bad dreams and anxiety over it. I could barely sleep. I wouldn't even know how to forgive.
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07-12-2015, 11:14 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 09:50 PM)musicharmony87 Wrote:  I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Hugs. Forgiveness takes time. I haven't forgiven my ex for manipulating me and controlling me. I don't know if I can or will. When you are ready to forgive you will know. If you are dwelling on this too much it will eat at you. If you find yourself obsessing over it change your thoughts to something else. I hope this helps.

I'm so sorry that your ex did that to you, I hate to hear situations like that where peels take advantage of someone who loves them. Thanks for the advice, I hope someday I can forgive her and him too.
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07-12-2015, 11:16 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 10:39 PM)Banjo Wrote:  
(07-12-2015 10:17 PM)Purplerose Wrote:  Banjo is right. This is a matter for the police.

You may like to tell someone who can support you while you deal with the police Can you find a counsellor, or perhaps a doctor who can refer you.

It doesn't matter how long ago this man committed these atrocities, he is a criminal and should be charged. Also the police need to know about your fears for your brother, perhaps your boyfriend can support you.

Forget about forgiving your mother if you find you can't, it wont repair the damage,

The man was/is the offender and he is the one that must be dealt with.

Another thing to consider is, how many other children has this man assaulted. The OP has a civic duty to report the actions of this criminal.

Just take a friend with you to the police station. I am sure you must have someone who is close. Or simply phone them and they will come around.

If not, the police will provide counselling.

To be honest what's holding me back is that I don't want my mother to hate me. Even though I'm afraid for my younger brother, I also know that my brother loves him. And I feel bad for taking that away. I'm also afraid going to the cops will severely backfire on me.
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07-12-2015, 11:18 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 10:17 PM)Purplerose Wrote:  Banjo is right. This is a matter for the police.

You may like to tell someone who can support you while you deal with the police Can you find a counsellor, or perhaps a doctor who can refer you.

It doesn't matter how long ago this man committed these atrocities, he is a criminal and should be charged. Also the police need to know about your fears for your brother, perhaps your boyfriend can support you.

Forget about forgiving your mother if you find you can't, it wont repair the damage,

The man was/is the offender and he is the one that must be dealt with.

I guess I'm just really afraid that by going to the cops it will backfire on me.
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