How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
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08-12-2015, 06:20 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 03:44 PM)Banjo Wrote:  
(08-12-2015 09:52 AM)Commonsensei Wrote:  But what type of abuses that may be avoided if such a man would have to answer for his crimes?

As I keep repeating. This man is a criminal. How many victims is unknown. He should be in gaol.

All the touchy feely crap is getting to me and I have little respect for it. You want to get some closure? Put this man behind bars.

As I also stated you have a civic duty to protect others and a family duty to protect your younger brother.

Then get counselling.

Good luck.

(If I sound harsh, I am. However I feel very strong chemo brain this morning. So whether you take my advice or not is up to you.)

You're not being harsh, you're just being blunt and honest and I appreciate that. I do need to go to the police, and my SO agrees as well...it's going to be hard to do, but I'm just going to have to bite the bullet. I hope that everything is going okay with your chemo, I honestly can't imagine what you've gone through.
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08-12-2015, 06:21 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 03:02 PM)Thinkerbelle Wrote:  
(07-12-2015 11:16 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  To be honest what's holding me back is that I don't want my mother to hate me.

Sorry to be brutal, but it's obvious that she has no respect or consideration for you now - or SHE would have reported him.

You're completely right. I guess the sensitive area is the fact that she's my mother, and before this happened she was my role model, my best friend. And now, I view her completely differently. But it hurts because I realize that she chose herself over me.
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08-12-2015, 06:22 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 09:16 AM)jennybee Wrote:  
(07-12-2015 11:16 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  To be honest what's holding me back is that I don't want my mother to hate me. Even though I'm afraid for my younger brother, I also know that my brother loves him. And I feel bad for taking that away. I'm also afraid going to the cops will severely backfire on me.

It won't backfire on you--the police take cases of abuse very seriously. If you think your brother is also being abused, that is not a safe place for him to be living.

Your mom hasn't cared about your feelings or your hurt--I wouldn't worry about upsetting her or her emotions at this point. I would worry about your little brother.

You deserve to have a nice life and to put all of this behind you. I know in your post you mentioned that your step father ruined your life--and he did for a good part of it--but you don't have to continue to be a victim. You can still take back your life and live a happy life without this hanging over your head. I really think you should talk to a professional to help you with all of this because I am sure there is a lot of hurt from what happened to you. You deserve to be happy.

I am going to talk to a professional, because everyone has recommended it to me and it's probably my best decision as far as trying to move on from this goes.
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08-12-2015, 06:24 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 11:19 AM)IƱigo Wrote:  It is hard for me to believe that the last time he hit you was the only time it left a mark for your mom to see. If your mom was seeing signs of physical abuse all along, but then just ignored them, then you should clearly have issues with your mother. My guess is that the emotional abuse was out in front of your mom and that raises another red flag. The last red flag is that she didn't believe you when you told her about the sexual abuse. As I see it, the red flags are there because one of the responsibilities of a parent should be to provide a safe environment for one's children. Your mom at least in part consciously failed at this and in the end she chose herself and him over you. She has failed you as a mother. You owe her nothing.

I am sorry if I sound so crass, but when I imagine an abused 10 year old girl in tears and with no one to turn to, it just makes my blood boil. I truly wish you the best and that you find the love and tenderness that you deserve.

There were times before that where they did leave a mark. She was there for some of those, and every time she went back to him. She would be angry at him, and of course she would tell me how much he loves me, and then she would go back to him.
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08-12-2015, 06:25 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 06:17 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  
(08-12-2015 03:46 PM)jason_delisle Wrote:  Have you talked to any professionals about it? I assume you have. If not it would be a good start. Forgiveness is not for him. It is for you. By forgiving someone it means that you let go and move on. However forgiveness does not mean that those you forgive are free from the consequences of their actions. I don't know how old you were when he molested you but you have to understand that there is no statute of limitations on child molestation. YOU NEED TO CONTACT THE POLICE AND REPORT HIM. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE OUTCOME. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT IS HIS. You are the victim. I hope the relationship with you and your mom and brother remain strong. But if that relationship is damaged, it is because he molested you. Not because you reported him.

It's a very scary thing to get the law involved as I'm sure you know, but this needs to happen. And everyone is right on here about me going to the police. I feel like I will get some sort of peace out of that. I mean I am afraid that I will lose my mother, but if she's going to be that selfish then she doesn't really deserve to have a relationship with me anyway.
Now I don't want to sound harsh but have you ever thought that the reasons why your mother hasn't done anything may be the same reasons why you haven't reported him?
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08-12-2015, 06:26 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 12:33 AM)dancefortwo Wrote:  At the very least you should get some counseling. Sometimes it not that you should forgive someone but that you should talk about it in depth with a professional.

I am going to get some counseling, I feel that it could really benefit me in the long run.
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08-12-2015, 06:28 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 12:42 AM)morondog Wrote:  Xastrogasmx - isn't your relationship with your Mum already strained? If you let this continue it will only become more so.

It's very hard to go to the police. I'll bet you think "Well it's all over, it's in the past, I can forget it now. I just have to avoid him when he's around."

He's still abusive towards you and has dominance over you. Your fear of the consequences only protects him. He does not deserve that protection. Tell the police. As you say, you're scared even for the kid - let it be *known* that this guy is a sex offender. These guys literally get away with murder because the victims keep silent out of shame and fear. Be brave. Report him.

I am afraid for my little brother, I don't want him going through the same thing that I went through, and I'm afraid there is a possibility of that happening. I do need to go to the police, my SO agrees.
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08-12-2015, 06:29 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 04:57 AM)Dom Wrote:  Forgiving isn't about the other person. It isn't about absolving them of their sins. It isn't about saying that what they did is ok. That's the damn religious idea of forgiveness. God (or you) forgives the sins and the sinner gets to frolic happily ever after. It's not at all like that.

Forgiving is ridding yourself of the burden of injury and hate. Forgiving is refusing to let the culprit win by taking over your thoughts and your life. Forgiving is finding your freedom again.

I was also sexually abused as a child for years. I hated the son of a bitch. For a long time it consumed my life, my attitude, my emotions.

It took me decades to realize that I was hurting myself worse than he ever did. That he still held the power over me. My hatred of him shaped me, influenced my thoughts and daily life.

So he was a fucked up, nasty son of a bitch. So he hurt me badly, back then. But why do I continue to let it hurt me for years and years? Why do I keep that feeling alive? Because that is what happens when you can't find a way to forgive. It isn't over until you declare it over. You are the only one who holds that power, he has long lost his power over you. And only you can close that chapter of your life and get on with it.

Then how did you end up moving on with your life?
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08-12-2015, 06:30 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 07:18 AM)julep Wrote:  I don't think there's any necessity to forgive your mother. No one has the right to tell you how to feel or how to process your emotions. If you find your anger and pain are getting in the way of living your life fully, you can get therapy to help let go. Let go does not equal forgiveness or giving your mom a pass for her inexcusable actions.

IMO the best way to handle this kind of situation is to take some control over it in the real world as well as inside your head. That is, it is perfectly appropriate for you to keep your stepfather out of your life. You should never have to be in the same room with him, ever. You could tell your mom that you will only see her and your brother alone and without your stepfather present, and that this is your condition for refusing to press assault and abuse charges against your stepfather. If she tries to renege: go to the police.

If your mother at some point demands forgiveness, you can consider it--after getting a full, written apology from her detailing the damage she caused you.

I could do that too, but he's a dangerous man. His own blood children (2 girls and 1 boy) don't even talk to him anymore, for whatever reason. He also went to jail for domestic violence against his ex wife.
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08-12-2015, 06:31 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 06:25 PM)jason_delisle Wrote:  
(08-12-2015 06:17 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  It's a very scary thing to get the law involved as I'm sure you know, but this needs to happen. And everyone is right on here about me going to the police. I feel like I will get some sort of peace out of that. I mean I am afraid that I will lose my mother, but if she's going to be that selfish then she doesn't really deserve to have a relationship with me anyway.
Now I don't want to sound harsh but have you ever thought that the reasons why your mother hasn't done anything may be the same reasons why you haven't reported him?

Could you please expand on that idea?
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