How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
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08-12-2015, 07:15 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 06:31 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  
(08-12-2015 06:25 PM)jason_delisle Wrote:  Now I don't want to sound harsh but have you ever thought that the reasons why your mother hasn't done anything may be the same reasons why you haven't reported him?

Could you please expand on that idea?
Now is sounds to me like you are going to do the right thing and get help and make sure he is held accountable for his actions. The point that I was making is that if at any point you decide not to take action.....you are doing the exact same thing you are accusing your mother of. What is the difference between the excuses for your failure to act and the excuses your mother may have for her failure to act?

You are hurt because your stepfather molested you and your mother did nothing. How would you be any different if you found out one day he physically abused and molested your brother because you did nothing?

I am not trying to be harsh. I just wanted to give you an honest look at the situation. I care about you because your story hits home for me. I had to deal with the same issue from but from your little brother's point of view.
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08-12-2015, 07:19 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 06:14 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  
(08-12-2015 03:49 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Or is too selfish and is scared of being alone. At her children's expense.

Stockholm syndrome does sound likely, but I honestly feel like she's actually afraid to be alone, even though it means that our relationship will be strained. I feel like she's afraid that if she leaves my step dad and then this news comes out, people will look at her differently. She's all about her reputation and how people view her, even if that means I end up harmed in the process.

In that case you become just as much an accomplice as your mother.

Is it not a crime in itself not to report a crime?

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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08-12-2015, 09:10 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 07:57 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  he sexually abused me.
That sounds like a criminal offense. The police would be interested in that.


(07-12-2015 07:57 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  and long story short he hit me 3 times and confiscated my phone even though I paid for it. I am and was very independent, I just still lived with my parents. I had a nose bleed and a swollen eye
That also sounds like a criminal offense.
Did you take photos?

(07-12-2015 07:57 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  She has a child by this man who is 8 years old and I'm afraid for my brother.
Perhaps you can help him by reporting your step father to the police.

(07-12-2015 07:57 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  How do I forgive her? Because honestly, I don't know if I can.
Let's see if she can forgive you when you report her husband to the police.
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08-12-2015, 09:13 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(07-12-2015 11:16 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  
(07-12-2015 10:39 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Another thing to consider is, how many other children has this man assaulted. The OP has a civic duty to report the actions of this criminal.

Just take a friend with you to the police station. I am sure you must have someone who is close. Or simply phone them and they will come around.

If not, the police will provide counselling.

To be honest what's holding me back is that I don't want my mother to hate me.
You have done nothing wrong. Reporting your step father is not the wrong thing to do.
If your mother can't accept that then she is a douche.
But of course it is your life, you may need to make some tough decisions.
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08-12-2015, 09:30 PM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 06:30 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  
(08-12-2015 07:18 AM)julep Wrote:  I don't think there's any necessity to forgive your mother. No one has the right to tell you how to feel or how to process your emotions. If you find your anger and pain are getting in the way of living your life fully, you can get therapy to help let go. Let go does not equal forgiveness or giving your mom a pass for her inexcusable actions.

IMO the best way to handle this kind of situation is to take some control over it in the real world as well as inside your head. That is, it is perfectly appropriate for you to keep your stepfather out of your life. You should never have to be in the same room with him, ever. You could tell your mom that you will only see her and your brother alone and without your stepfather present, and that this is your condition for refusing to press assault and abuse charges against your stepfather. If she tries to renege: go to the police.

If your mother at some point demands forgiveness, you can consider it--after getting a full, written apology from her detailing the damage she caused you.

I could do that too, but he's a dangerous man. His own blood children (2 girls and 1 boy) don't even talk to him anymore, for whatever reason. He also went to jail for domestic violence against his ex wife.

All of the things you've cited would be reasons for you to step forward and say something to the police, and probably knowledge of his prior record would make them take your report seriously. If you decide that you don't want to do report him, then it seems safest for you to stay far away from your mother and stepfather, while trying to find a way to be supportive to your brother.

It's a difficult decision to make, certainly, and whatever you do, you will probably have people telling you that you did the wrong thing. (knowing that will happen may make it easier to deal with)
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08-12-2015, 09:36 PM (This post was last modified: 08-12-2015 10:01 PM by Stevil.)
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 09:13 PM)Stevil Wrote:  
(07-12-2015 11:16 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  To be honest what's holding me back is that I don't want my mother to hate me.
You have done nothing wrong. Reporting your step father is not the wrong thing to do.
If your mother can't accept that then she is a douche.
But of course it is your life, you may need to make some tough decisions.
Realise that this isn't merely a personal family matter.
It's not like you are airing out your family's dirty laundry.
This is a public matter, it is a criminal matter, it is a matter of public interest. Pedophiles and rapists are an immediate danger to society. Kids lives are at stake.

EDIT: It's not your fault that he gets into trouble with the police. You didn't do the crime, IT IS HIS FAULT that he is in trouble with the police. He is to blame, YOU ARE THE VICTIM.
It is NEVER the victims fault!!!!!!!!

Pssst, I'm not shouting at you. I'm just highlighting this point.
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11-12-2015, 11:41 AM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
(08-12-2015 06:17 PM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  if she's going to be that selfish then she doesn't really deserve to have a relationship with me anyway.
I just wanted to quote this. You are the victim here, your mother did not do her job and protect you when she should have. If she cared about your relationship with her she would have put a stop to all of this years ago.
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12-12-2015, 01:04 AM
RE: How do I learn to forgive my mother for staying with the man that ruined my life?
Before you try to learn forgiveness, are you sure forgiveness is the right choice for you? I used to be a Christian. I remember what it is like to told by everyone in your life that forgiveness is not only the right thing to do, but your responsibility to yourself and to god. I learned to "turn the other cheek" in meekness when faced with abuse at the youngest possible age. Despite the length of my journey, and the hard labor I have poured into my de-conversion and recovery, those childhood lessons still catch me unawares. More than once, when I have been overwhelmed by unhappiness and negativity, I realize it is because I have failed to think clearly about what I truly believe is right, and am operating on the remnants of indoctrination that still remain.

I remember how I felt when I read about the recent racially motivated mass shooting in Charleston in the US. The newspaper reported that some of the family members of the dead victims had publicly forgiven the murderer. I don't know how it was possible, but it shocked me more to read about their forgiveness than the shooting itself ever could have. One of the those who forgave explained herself. She said that forgiveness cannot truly absolve a crime. For innocent deaths, nothing can. Her forgiveness was the only truly powerful way that she could take back control of her life from the murderer. It was how she could begin to make active and empowered choices about how to cope and move on. To not forgive might have trapped her forever in the agenda of the murderer, filling her with hate and anguish every time she remembered her loved one. That seemed worse to her than forgiving. Ultimately, it was her way of accepting that justice isn't the responsibility of the victims in a country like the United States. She needed to trust in the courts to seek justice on her behalf.

The example is extreme, but I recognized the gem of truth within. Sometimes forgiveness is a tool to take back control of one's life, without turning one's back on the reality of the crimes committed. Just be sure. If what you want is to forgive, be sure that you do it for positive reasons that will remind you that victim status should be temporary. Do it because it will help you take ownership of what you can control. Do it to be responsible for yourself. Don't let those who do evil off the hook. Let yourself off of it.

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is required for their real happiness.

-Karl Marx
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