How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
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26-10-2016, 01:21 AM (This post was last modified: 26-10-2016 01:27 AM by xastrogasmx.)
How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
I met a friend earlier this year in college, and at the beginning everything seemed to be going really well, we got along great and we had a great time together. Shes a mother of a three year old and I have no kids, and I'm not sure if I want kids in the future.
As time as went on I have realized that my friend can be very closed minded about some things and I have tried to deal with it accordingly, but it has gotten to the point now where I'm not sure if I can continue this relationship with her.
Recently we were talking about children, and both her and I have came from rough family backgrounds, and i was saying how sometimes I feel bad for children that are born into a world with that parents who do not care about them, and where they neglect them. She basically told me that i have no right to feel bad about someone's child because it's not my child and it's the parents responsibility to take care of them. She said she doesn't feel bad for kids that are in bad situations like that because it has nothing to do with her, and she only cares about herself and her child. When she told me this I was honestly surprised, considering that she was one of those 'kids' that people felt bad for and tried to help. I was upset by her comments because I don't like to associate myself with people who say ignorant things like that, without thinking. She's a very impulsive person and she doesn't really think through her decisions.
Earlier today she called me after I posted a photo on facebook about children mishandling animals, it was supposed to be kind of funny but also serious, and everyone else understood that but not her. She got offended by it because i said to her that I think that parents should teach their children how to pet dogs, cats, etc. and just how to have respect for their fellow beings.
She basically told me that i'm always attacking moms and that since I'm not a mom, I have no right to have an opinion on these things. I told her that I have a 100 pound pit bull, and if a child is being very aggressive with my animal and mistreating it, I have every right to say something to the parent. She agreed with that, but she basically feels like I'm attacking moms, and then i asked when I have ever done that and she couldn't even give me an answer, she said "lets agree to disagree".
She says that every time I'm out with her I'm always pointing out moms and their children and I could never recall that so I asked her when, she once again has no answer and tries to change the conversation. But then she says that she exaggerates things and that she didn't mean to say that. At the end she basically says since I'm not a mom I shouldn't talk about mom things, and then i told her that I'm done talking about and that i would talk to her later.
Also i feel like she can be slightly manipulative, for her birthday I was going to go to Sephora for her and get her a bunch of really nice cosmetics, but instead she demanded that I buy her tickets to this halloween event that we're all going to. Her excuse was that she spent a lot of money on me, so I should do the same for her. Mind you, Sephora is expensive but she basically tried forcing me into buying her something completely different than the gift I wanted to give her. She considers me her best friend, but i don't consider her my best friend. She gets extremely jealous when I hang out with other people and I happen to not invite her.
Honestly, I'm not sure where to go from here. My SO said to just continue to be friends with her but don't treat her like a close friend, because she never will be that. But I don't know if i should just cut the friendship. I have never told her how to parent her child, she does have an anger problem and she always screams at her three year old, but I've never told her how to raise her child so i don't know where this is coming from. Her family on the other hand is constantly judging her on parenting so maybe that's why she's so sensitive? Regardless, it still doesn't give her a right to act the way that has. Especially when she keeps saying that I'm doing all these things but then can't back it up with any examples.
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26-10-2016, 02:46 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
It seems that she is extremely defensive on the parenting topic. You said you were recently talking about children, before you mention the topic, did you often fight about other subjects ?
Do you enjoy the time spent with her ? do topics on which you both have a different opinion always lead to an argument ? What happens when you have an argument, are you not talking to each other, or do you change subject and it goes back to normal immediately ?

In general, if I have an argument with a friend, I'll put effort in the friendship because friends are important to me : but, it all depends on how long we have been friends, and the amount of arguments we have. A recent friendship with someone with whom I already have a lot of arguments, I wouldn't bother investing more effort in it.
From what you say, this is a rather recent friendship (it started this year), so if after a short time span you often have arguments all the time when you disagree, it's a good thing that you want to take a step back in the friendship because I don't think things will get better with the time (often they just get worse). Especially as you said she wasn't your best friend, maybe it is the right time to hang around with some other friends, it will also show you how she reacts to that.

If you're in college, you also have good opportunities to make new friends (I found that much more difficult once I finished my studies), so it would be a pity than to spend all your college years with a friend with whom you already have issues, instead of making new friends (who might be some long term friends).
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26-10-2016, 08:37 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
Ah, the old 'I'm-a-parent-so-my-opinion-matters-more' routine....

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

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26-10-2016, 09:15 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
(26-10-2016 01:21 AM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  I met a friend earlier this year in college, and at the beginning everything seemed to be going really well, we got along great and we had a great time together. Shes a mother of a three year old and I have no kids, and I'm not sure if I want kids in the future.
As time as went on I have realized that my friend can be very closed minded about some things and I have tried to deal with it accordingly, but it has gotten to the point now where I'm not sure if I can continue this relationship with her.
Recently we were talking about children, and both her and I have came from rough family backgrounds, and i was saying how sometimes I feel bad for children that are born into a world with that parents who do not care about them, and where they neglect them. She basically told me that i have no right to feel bad about someone's child because it's not my child and it's the parents responsibility to take care of them. She said she doesn't feel bad for kids that are in bad situations like that because it has nothing to do with her, and she only cares about herself and her child. When she told me this I was honestly surprised, considering that she was one of those 'kids' that people felt bad for and tried to help. I was upset by her comments because I don't like to associate myself with people who say ignorant things like that, without thinking. She's a very impulsive person and she doesn't really think through her decisions.
Earlier today she called me after I posted a photo on facebook about children mishandling animals, it was supposed to be kind of funny but also serious, and everyone else understood that but not her. She got offended by it because i said to her that I think that parents should teach their children how to pet dogs, cats, etc. and just how to have respect for their fellow beings.
She basically told me that i'm always attacking moms and that since I'm not a mom, I have no right to have an opinion on these things. I told her that I have a 100 pound pit bull, and if a child is being very aggressive with my animal and mistreating it, I have every right to say something to the parent. She agreed with that, but she basically feels like I'm attacking moms, and then i asked when I have ever done that and she couldn't even give me an answer, she said "lets agree to disagree".
She says that every time I'm out with her I'm always pointing out moms and their children and I could never recall that so I asked her when, she once again has no answer and tries to change the conversation. But then she says that she exaggerates things and that she didn't mean to say that. At the end she basically says since I'm not a mom I shouldn't talk about mom things, and then i told her that I'm done talking about and that i would talk to her later.
Also i feel like she can be slightly manipulative, for her birthday I was going to go to Sephora for her and get her a bunch of really nice cosmetics, but instead she demanded that I buy her tickets to this halloween event that we're all going to. Her excuse was that she spent a lot of money on me, so I should do the same for her. Mind you, Sephora is expensive but she basically tried forcing me into buying her something completely different than the gift I wanted to give her. She considers me her best friend, but i don't consider her my best friend. She gets extremely jealous when I hang out with other people and I happen to not invite her.
Honestly, I'm not sure where to go from here. My SO said to just continue to be friends with her but don't treat her like a close friend, because she never will be that. But I don't know if i should just cut the friendship. I have never told her how to parent her child, she does have an anger problem and she always screams at her three year old, but I've never told her how to raise her child so i don't know where this is coming from. Her family on the other hand is constantly judging her on parenting so maybe that's why she's so sensitive? Regardless, it still doesn't give her a right to act the way that has. Especially when she keeps saying that I'm doing all these things but then can't back it up with any examples.

I ordinarily would want to defer on questions where having skin in the game gives someone a better perspective. Because experience counts for something. Even then it's not a blanket deference - especially where the children in question are not hers.

You don't need children of your own for you to understand that they need structure and adult guidance in their lives.

As for your question, my rule of thumb is you stop being friends when it's not worth it. That's just a judgement call for you to make.

We have to remember that what we observe is not nature herself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning ~ Werner Heisenberg
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26-10-2016, 09:44 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
When do you feel better? When she's headed in your direction, or when she's walking away?
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26-10-2016, 11:09 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
Well, I stop being friends completely whenever i'm tempted to do so (like you seem to be).

That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.”
-P.C. Hodgell - Seeker’s Mask - Kirien
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26-10-2016, 11:16 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
(26-10-2016 01:21 AM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  I met a friend earlier this year in college, and at the beginning everything seemed to be going really well, we got along great and we had a great time together. [...]

Uh... seriously?

• my friend can be very closed minded about some things,
I'm not sure if I can continue this relationship with her,
• she only cares about herself and her child,
• I don't like to associate myself with people who say ignorant things,
• she's a very impulsive person and she doesn't really think through her decisions,
• I have no right to have an opinion,
• she says that she exaggerates things,
• she can be slightly manipulative,
• instead she demanded that I buy her tickets,
• she spent a lot of money on me, so I should do the same for her,
• she basically tried forcing me into buying her something,
• she gets extremely jealous,
• I'm not sure where to go from here,
• she does have an anger problem.

With a legthy listing of negatives like this, I can only suggest a three-word solution: walk away, NOW.

Sad

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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26-10-2016, 11:19 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
(26-10-2016 11:16 AM)SYZ Wrote:  
(26-10-2016 01:21 AM)xastrogasmx Wrote:  I met a friend earlier this year in college, and at the beginning everything seemed to be going really well, we got along great and we had a great time together. [...]

Uh... seriously?

• my friend can be very closed minded about some things,
I'm not sure if I can continue this relationship with her,
• she only cares about herself and her child,
• I don't like to associate myself with people who say ignorant things,
• she's a very impulsive person and she doesn't really think through her decisions,
• I have no right to have an opinion,
• she says that she exaggerates things,
• she can be slightly manipulative,
• instead she demanded that I buy her tickets,
• she spent a lot of money on me, so I should do the same for her,
• she basically tried forcing me into buying her something,
• she gets extremely jealous,
• I'm not sure where to go from here,
• she does have an anger problem.

With a legthy listing of negatives like this, I can only suggest a three-word solution: walk away, NOW.

Sad

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26-10-2016, 11:40 AM
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
Maybe your friend is defensive and feels that your thoughts/opinions on raising children were somehow judging her own ability of raising her child.

I think your friends worldview of looking after herself and her child as the only priority is neither good/bad but is maybe a reflection of her life experience mixed in with how she was feeling that day.

As her friend, why do you think she has changed? Because you said it was different at the start. People change over time, including ourselves.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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26-10-2016, 11:43 AM (This post was last modified: 26-10-2016 11:56 AM by Velvet.)
RE: How do you know when to stop being friends with someone?
Actually if you go to a forum to ask if it is time to end a friendship imo you are WAY PAST that time. (not saying you shouldn't come here for help tho)

But hey, thats me.

You don't owe your friendship to anyone, you are only friends with someone if you want that, it doesn't matter if the person saved your life, twice, really doesn't, you can only arguably owe that person your sincere gratitude and respect.

And more importantly, if you don't fell like being close with her, the most honest, sincere and respectful thing you can do its to end the friendship, this way you are being truthful to her and this allows her to know exactly why you think like that and decide (for herself) if she wants to change or not.

Even if she does decide that she will try to change, it still doesn't make you even a tiny bit obliged to fake a friendship that you don't fell.

(unless you being sincere would put you into danger, in that case just gtfo very fast)

That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.”
-P.C. Hodgell - Seeker’s Mask - Kirien
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