How the bible really came to be written
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07-03-2016, 02:57 AM
How the bible really came to be written
How the bible really came to be written:

We were just some guys who were down on their luck
We needed some cash, so we just wrote a book.

We all ‘knew’ Mary, so we gave her a part
She was far from a virgin, just some skinny tart.

We said she gave birth in a stable one night
Seriously though, who’d believe all this shite?

The baby then had a visit from kings,
People believe in the strangest of things.

An angel in the stable provided some light,
Whilst catholic priests fucked their flock by night.

We thought a crucifixion would make people sad,
It’s essentially a story about this bloke and his dad.

So we went round the publishers and showed them the score
But most of the bastards just showed us the door.

But one in particular liked it and said
This book’s a winner, it’ll keep us well fed.

It’s an interesting story, it’s got a good plot
But I have to say, that believable it’s not.

This Jesus bloke seems slightly insane
I don’t like his handle, but what’s in a name?

Ah, I see, he was killed on a cross
That’s no big deal, who gives a toss.

Some parts are sad, some parts are funny
This book, my dears, will make lots of money.

The first run of the book sold in double-quick time
The people were queuing with no end to the line.

It made lots of money and the good life we tasted
We spent some money on whores and the rest we just wasted.

We had slaves and servants and graces and airs,
We didn’t give a toss, we were millionaires

We printed yet more books but they kept selling out,
We had no time left for just pissing about.

Then someone said, ‘I don’t give a fuck’,
‘I wish we’d not written this bleedin’ book’.

We were so pissed off with this fateful tome
We just switched off the presses and all fucked off home.

(And that’s when all the problems started, folks)

I was at home screwing some whore,
When all sorts of people knocked on the door.

There were men dressed like women and looking right knobs,
They called themselves priests and they all wanted jobs.

The book tried to thrill, it tried to impress,
But it’s difficult to take seriously a man in a dress.

There were people cheering and running amok,
The fuckers were queuing right round the block.

When I first found out, I cared not one wit,
When I realised that people had swallowed our shit.

It was only a joke, it wasn’t planned,
We’d really fucked up and it’s got out of hand.

I told them jesus of Nazareth, he doesn’t exist
We just made him up one night we got pissed

It’s only a story about some knob-headed bloke
You’ve got to believe us, it was only a joke.

None of it’s real, we were taking the piss,
You can’t feed five thousand with five loaves and two fish!

The next thing we knew, we were in jail,
We’d been sentenced to hang and no chance of bail.

Were we to be punished for the shit in the book?
No. We were found guilty of some blasphemy fuck.

Please oh god, make them desist,
Oh shit, just remembered, you don’t exist.

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07-03-2016, 03:31 AM (This post was last modified: 07-03-2016 03:34 AM by Banjo.)
RE: How the bible really came to be written
That was very well done. Should put it to music. I'll lay down drum and percussion tracks.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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07-03-2016, 03:49 AM
RE: How the bible really came to be written
Mycat

Feigning felinedeafness
Then Stuckupatree comegetmeness

Feedmenow lovingness
Then spittingdesist nofussyness

Racinground roominess
Then sleepytime drowsyness
Contentedsleeping on lapiness
Then viciousbiting of handiness

Nightontown allalone
But chirrupygreeting of gladtobehome

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07-03-2016, 04:46 AM
RE: How the bible really came to be written
(07-03-2016 03:49 AM)god has no twitter account Wrote:  Mycat

Feigning felinedeafness
Then Stuckupatree comegetmeness

Feedmenow lovingness
Then spittingdesist nofussyness

Racinground roominess
Then sleepytime drowsyness
Contentedsleeping on lapiness
Then viciousbiting of handiness

Nightontown allalone
But chirrupygreeting of gladtobehome


I'll charge for this one. The 1st is free. Big Grin

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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07-03-2016, 05:01 AM
RE: How the bible really came to be written
Of Money and Asteroids

Down in what used to be a meadow
are the lies that the politicians told and the money that the bankers lost.
On the hill, there’s a wind farm obscuring the view of Armageddon.
‘Where’s all the money gone?’ someone cried
as if it mattered,
as if it were really ever there.
It was just an illusion created by the usurers.
The people are broken anyway.
I tried to catch their thoughts in a recycled paper cup
but it was sold on ebay after their tears ran dry.
Somewhere, deep in space, an asteroid skips on its merry way to a rendezvous with Earth.
It needs to hurry,
time is running out for nature,
it ran out long ago for man.

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