How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
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06-10-2015, 12:23 PM
How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
Six Foolproof and Effective Things To Do To Bring Atheists Back To The Lord
Saw this article in my FB feed today and thought I'd share. The funniest thing is that some of my x-tian FB friends took this as a serious article and commented on how some of these tactics have worked for them in the past. This is one of my favorite lines from the article...
Quote:Nothing bad really happens to atheists—or at least, nothing that bad possibly could have happened, since they are still uniformly blissful and ignorant and living their lives without believing in God, which is really not a sustainable thing. There is science somewhere in the Bible that proves this, probably.

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06-10-2015, 12:25 PM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
(06-10-2015 12:23 PM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  Six Foolproof and Effective Things To Do To Bring Atheists Back To The Lord
Saw this article in my FB feed today and thought I'd share. The funniest thing is that some of my x-tian FB friends took this as a serious article and commented on how some of these tactics have worked for them in the past. This is one of my favorite lines from the article...
Quote:Nothing bad really happens to atheists—or at least, nothing that bad possibly could have happened, since they are still uniformly blissful and ignorant and living their lives without believing in God, which is really not a sustainable thing. There is science somewhere in the Bible that proves this, probably.

*snort*

Thanks for sharing....


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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06-10-2015, 12:33 PM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
article was too long to read without being interested, but if those bolded points are the 6 reasons, then this is comedy, right?

Your friends quoted post was funny though. haha.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
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06-10-2015, 03:53 PM (This post was last modified: 06-10-2015 03:59 PM by earmuffs.)
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
Quote:Atheists are all expert scientists and logicians—just a few months ago, in fact, my sister asked me to explain how she had a dream about a coworker having cancer, which then followed with a totally different coworker ending up with cancer some weeks later. I replied, “I donno, statistics, what the fuck,” to which she replied by nodding sagely and reluctantly changing the subject after about five not-so-subtle hints that I was not a diviner of dreams.

Shit this cracked me up. (the whole thing did to be fair).
I think I'm gonna join Moms in a snort.
*snort*

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07-10-2015, 06:30 AM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
Holy Christ, this thing is terrible!


Quote:Say “You’ll Turn To God When You’re Down On Your Luck”

It is a well-known fact that atheists are entirely immune to the tragedies and tribulations that all believers must go through to grow in life and faith... Nothing bad really happens to atheists—or at least, nothing that bad possibly could have happened, since they are still uniformly blissful and ignorant and living their lives without believing in God, which is really not a sustainable thing. There is science somewhere in the Bible that proves this, probably.
...
You are right in assuming that the atheist simply needs to go through a certain type of trauma in order to stop being a godless heathen—for the best effect, you should plan to not actually help them through the trauma, as they must learn to swim in the holy waters of the lord by trying not to drown in destitution.
Take home points:
  • I can't tell if this is supposed to be insulting, but it certainly seems that way. It reeks of that "special knowledge" Christians have that allow them to scoff at any questions/observations by skeptics. Of course the skeptic doesn't understand.
  • The middle part actually has a lot of truth to it, but they've likely mixed up their cause and effect. It's well-known that people in adverse situations are more likely to be religious. I'm sure a non-zero number of atheists have flocked to various gods to fix a problem out of desperation.
  • If you help an atheist, they'll stay an atheist. Let them suffer. Translation: be a dick to "help" them in a way that they don't want.

Quote:Ask “What Made You Stop Believing In God?”

It is a well-known fact that every atheist has experienced some trauma that has caused them to move away from God.

[Image: 51cqp45bdJL._SY300_QL70_FMwebp_.jpg]

I stopped believing because it didn't make sense to me. In fact, I've noted a very conspicuous lack of bad stuff happening to me before or during this time.

Also:

Quote:A really skilled evangelist will manage to fit this in with the “Down on Your Luck” piece and imply that something terrible must have caused the atheist to stop believing even though the atheist has still not experienced that one thing that will make them suddenly need God more than anything else, including therapy or a stable income or a way to get out of religion conversations they did not consent to.

So, which is it? Terrible stuff leads people away from God or to him? If it's both, it seems pretty dangerous to use this to bring them back.


Quote:I lied to get her to leave me alone, because, you know, heathen/atheist.

Okay, I think this site is satire. That, or this person is the fucking worst person. Also, Translation: be a dick and lie to them.


Quote:Ask Them A Bunch of Probing Questions, And Ignore Their Answers

...If an atheist appreciates anything, it’s a cynic—a cynic who completely ignores the other side of a conversation they are taking part in is essentially their version of God. And if there’s any time to deify yourself, it’s when you’re talking to an atheist. They really like that deity shit.

Translation: be a dick and lie to them.


Quote:Praise God…All the Time

...your atheist friends are just a few “praise Gods” away from really taking action and doing what it is that you do every day.

Yeah, this is just satire. Still, I'm this far, so I'll continue, on the off chance that the author really is that naive.


Quote:Be sure to praise God whenever the atheist has something good happen in their life—positive reinforcement is always a good thing, and the discomfort they feel as they have to ignore you or swiftly change the subject is just a test God is putting them through.

Translation: be a dick and proselytize all the god damn time, because that's never pushed anyone further away, ever.


Quote:Say the Same Things Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again

Should the atheist actually decide to engage with you about the word of God, you must be prepared. This is your chance! Don’t worry if the atheist says they don’t want to talk about it—this categorically means that they have no solid reason to not be religious, which you should combatively accuse them of as your opening.

So, if this isn't atheist satire of Christians, it might actually be quasi-clever Christian satire, giving a list of don'ts. I really hope that's what it is, and even if it is, I know a non-zero number of mouth breathers will actually employ these methods after taking this article at face value.

So, if it were serious, Translation: be a dick and accuse people.

Quote:If you’re a Christian who doesn’t actually read the Bible — which, if my experience in these conversations tells me anything, should not stop you from trying to argue about it with other people — you have the best ammo. Bible verse aside, all you need to do is repeat yourself over, and over, and over, and over again—this could even provide the trauma that the atheist will need to call upon God to escape your repetitive wrath.

Yep. Satire.



Conclusion
This site is satire. I'm still not sure if it's atheist satire showing how annoying proselytizing Christians are or if it's Christian satire telling Christians things not to do. Still, there's no way it's serious. If it were, their play book is literally:
  • Be a dick to "help" them in a way that they don't want.
  • Be a dick and lie to them.
  • Be a dick and proselytize all the god damn time.
  • Be a dick and accuse people.
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07-10-2015, 08:29 AM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
(07-10-2015 06:30 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Holy Christ, this thing is terrible!


Quote:Say “You’ll Turn To God When You’re Down On Your Luck”

It is a well-known fact that atheists are entirely immune to the tragedies and tribulations that all believers must go through to grow in life and faith... Nothing bad really happens to atheists—or at least, nothing that bad possibly could have happened, since they are still uniformly blissful and ignorant and living their lives without believing in God, which is really not a sustainable thing. There is science somewhere in the Bible that proves this, probably.
...
You are right in assuming that the atheist simply needs to go through a certain type of trauma in order to stop being a godless heathen—for the best effect, you should plan to not actually help them through the trauma, as they must learn to swim in the holy waters of the lord by trying not to drown in destitution.
Take home points:
  • I can't tell if this is supposed to be insulting, but it certainly seems that way. It reeks of that "special knowledge" Christians have that allow them to scoff at any questions/observations by skeptics. Of course the skeptic doesn't understand.
  • The middle part actually has a lot of truth to it, but they've likely mixed up their cause and effect. It's well-known that people in adverse situations are more likely to be religious. I'm sure a non-zero number of atheists have flocked to various gods to fix a problem out of desperation.
  • If you help an atheist, they'll stay an atheist. Let them suffer. Translation: be a dick to "help" them in a way that they don't want.

Quote:Ask “What Made You Stop Believing In God?”

It is a well-known fact that every atheist has experienced some trauma that has caused them to move away from God.

[Image: 51cqp45bdJL._SY300_QL70_FMwebp_.jpg]

I stopped believing because it didn't make sense to me. In fact, I've noted a very conspicuous lack of bad stuff happening to me before or during this time.

Also:

Quote:A really skilled evangelist will manage to fit this in with the “Down on Your Luck” piece and imply that something terrible must have caused the atheist to stop believing even though the atheist has still not experienced that one thing that will make them suddenly need God more than anything else, including therapy or a stable income or a way to get out of religion conversations they did not consent to.

So, which is it? Terrible stuff leads people away from God or to him? If it's both, it seems pretty dangerous to use this to bring them back.


Quote:I lied to get her to leave me alone, because, you know, heathen/atheist.

Okay, I think this site is satire. That, or this person is the fucking worst person. Also, Translation: be a dick and lie to them.


Quote:Ask Them A Bunch of Probing Questions, And Ignore Their Answers

...If an atheist appreciates anything, it’s a cynic—a cynic who completely ignores the other side of a conversation they are taking part in is essentially their version of God. And if there’s any time to deify yourself, it’s when you’re talking to an atheist. They really like that deity shit.

Translation: be a dick and lie to them.


Quote:Praise God…All the Time

...your atheist friends are just a few “praise Gods” away from really taking action and doing what it is that you do every day.

Yeah, this is just satire. Still, I'm this far, so I'll continue, on the off chance that the author really is that naive.


Quote:Be sure to praise God whenever the atheist has something good happen in their life—positive reinforcement is always a good thing, and the discomfort they feel as they have to ignore you or swiftly change the subject is just a test God is putting them through.

Translation: be a dick and proselytize all the god damn time, because that's never pushed anyone further away, ever.


Quote:Say the Same Things Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again

Should the atheist actually decide to engage with you about the word of God, you must be prepared. This is your chance! Don’t worry if the atheist says they don’t want to talk about it—this categorically means that they have no solid reason to not be religious, which you should combatively accuse them of as your opening.

So, if this isn't atheist satire of Christians, it might actually be quasi-clever Christian satire, giving a list of don'ts. I really hope that's what it is, and even if it is, I know a non-zero number of mouth breathers will actually employ these methods after taking this article at face value.

So, if it were serious, Translation: be a dick and accuse people.

Quote:If you’re a Christian who doesn’t actually read the Bible — which, if my experience in these conversations tells me anything, should not stop you from trying to argue about it with other people — you have the best ammo. Bible verse aside, all you need to do is repeat yourself over, and over, and over, and over again—this could even provide the trauma that the atheist will need to call upon God to escape your repetitive wrath.

Yep. Satire.



Conclusion
This site is satire. I'm still not sure if it's atheist satire showing how annoying proselytizing Christians are or if it's Christian satire telling Christians things not to do. Still, there's no way it's serious. If it were, their play book is literally:
  • Be a dick to "help" them in a way that they don't want.
  • Be a dick and lie to them.
  • Be a dick and proselytize all the god damn time.
  • Be a dick and accuse people.

It is most definitely atheist satire. Natalie Degraffinried is a new atheist blogger that I recently ran across. She is in turns sarcastic, funny and deeply honest about her journey as a black female in the South going from christianity to atheist. There are times that I totally identify with her. Many times I marvel at how differently two people living in the same geographic area can experience life.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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07-10-2015, 10:10 AM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
(07-10-2015 08:29 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  It is most definitely atheist satire. Natalie Degraffinried is a new atheist blogger that I recently ran across. She is in turns sarcastic, funny and deeply honest about her journey as a black female in the South going from christianity to atheist. There are times that I totally identify with her. Many times I marvel at how differently two people living in the same geographic area can experience life.

I'm glad my satire-dar wasn't too far off. I'm disappointed I had to make it about a third of the way through the article before I actually started wondering. Poe's Law, and all, I guess.
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08-10-2015, 09:34 AM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
Is that article satire? Has to be.

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08-10-2015, 11:47 AM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
"Our lives are a scintillating and sin-filled flurry of hookers and dark liquor and orgies and Arby’s combo meals."

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08-10-2015, 11:48 AM
RE: How to bring an atheist back to Jebus
(08-10-2015 09:34 AM)Logisch Wrote:  Is that article satire? Has to be.

Yeah, but I slogged through about a third of it before it became obvious to me.
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