How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
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11-06-2013, 06:36 AM (This post was last modified: 11-06-2013 06:42 AM by Barone di Blocksberg.)
How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
Hello, everyone! I'm new here and I thought this would make a good 1st post. I hope you enjoy it.

HOW TO EXASPERATE AN ATHEIST:
A GUIDE FOR CHRISTIANS

1. Ask why s/he is upset with God.
2. Invite him/her to pray with you.
3. Invite his/her children to go to church with you.

§ With your tiny rat brain, you can't conceive that a perfectly sane person might simply not believe in God; only someone in error, a stray sheep who ignores the sweet holy truth or suffers from psychological trauma can possibly be an atheist for you, at the best hypothesis.

4. Insist that there is a God, and that the Bible proves it.
5. Insist that the Israelites had all scientific knowledge, for they were inspired by God, and the Genesis depiction of creation is accurate.
6. Say that the universe is too complex to simply exist and perforce must have been made by a God who simply exists.
7. Make up statistics.
8. Bluster arguments which don't make any sense, and then criticize his/her replies by saying "you're saying nonsense".
9. Allege that Einstein was a Christian.
10. Allege that Hitler was an atheist.
11. Be an internet spoilsport jerk: post absurd arguments in forums and ignore the replies; ruin all memes with your ignorance and ineptness, making Christian messages who are inappropriate, dumb and, above all, not funny.
12. Without knowing shit about genetics, biology and zoology, say vehemently that “bisexuality doesn’t exist” and “of course homosexuality is unnatural”.
13. Distort the 2nd law of thermodynamics to support your creationist fantasy.
14. Affirm that science says A, when in fact science says the exact contrary of A.
15. Bluster fallacy after fallacy and act as you’re a master debater.
16. Make sure you know less science than a 10 years old ordinary European kid, but speak like you had Ph. D. in chemistry, biology, physics, history, economy, medicine, political science, philosophy and geology.
17. Never – I say never! – have the slightest doubt of yourself, never – never! – think for a moment that you might be wrong.
18. Defend some raging lunatic priest’s racist, sexist, ignorant, unconstitutional, antidemocratic, human rights harming words by stating “it’s biblical” and “he was misunderstood”.
19. Declare that you’re a layperson in geology, but still affirm that the universal flood actually happened.
20. Declare that you’re a layperson in physics, but still affirm that the Big Bang has never happened.
21. Ask why s/he isn’t a sexual offender/murderer/bank robber/drugs dealer since s/he doesn’t believe in God.
22. Use the unanswered questions of science as evidence that God is logically necessary and man is ignorant and unable without God.
23. Complain that you’re being oppressed and suffer social prejudice, despite the fact that your religion is very majoritarian and politically well represented.
24. Putting the bigots of your church in the Chamber and Senate, making public schools work as Sunday schools, precluding legal abortion and gay marriage: this must be your political thinking, just this, solely this, and nothing more.
25. When s/he upbraids you with some awful biblical verse, promoting war, rape, genocide, infanticide etc replies “that’s what the verse says, but not what it means!”

§ Be selective of what biblical verses are to be interpreted, and what are to be taken literally, in order to make biblical religion the worst it can possibly be.

26. Never read good literature and scientific publications, read only church pamphlets, Christian self-help and conservative tabloids.
27. Make sure you're absolutely ignorant about nations, cultures, languages, philosophies and religions other than yours.
28. Be judgmental, self-righteous, narrow-minded and prejudiced.
29. Accuse others of being judgmental, narrow-minded and prejudiced.
30. Say that the USA Constitution doesn't include secularism and insist that it's based on the Ten Commandments.
31. Quote Christian self-help authors as valid sources, and refer them as Doctors.
32. Say that deep inside in his/her heart s/he knows there is a God.
33. Use awful math to support your allegations.
34. Vigorously accuse him/her of denying an evident truth.
35. Argue that the biblical stories aren't myths, they're parables, and they're all true!
36. When you're finally losing, say "I pity you".
37. End the debate saying "well, I know you're more intelligent than I am, but I know I'm right".
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11-06-2013, 07:49 AM
RE: How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
With all due respect, Christians do not need a guide to be cuntwards, they're raised that way.

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11-06-2013, 07:51 AM
RE: How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
(11-06-2013 07:49 AM)earmuffs Wrote:  With all due respect, Christians do not need a guide to be cuntwards, they're raised that way.

Noo...

They're born again that way.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
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11-06-2013, 07:51 AM
RE: How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
True dat sister.

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11-06-2013, 10:43 PM
RE: How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
(11-06-2013 06:36 AM)Barone di Blocksberg Wrote:  Hello, everyone! I'm new here and I thought this would make a good 1st post. I hope you enjoy it.

HOW TO EXASPERATE AN ATHEIST:
A GUIDE FOR CHRISTIANS

1. Ask why s/he is upset with God.
2. Invite him/her to pray with you.
3. Invite his/her children to go to church with you.

§ With your tiny rat brain, you can't conceive that a perfectly sane person might simply not believe in God; only someone in error, a stray sheep who ignores the sweet holy truth or suffers from psychological trauma can possibly be an atheist for you, at the best hypothesis.

4. Insist that there is a God, and that the Bible proves it.
5. Insist that the Israelites had all scientific knowledge, for they were inspired by God, and the Genesis depiction of creation is accurate.
6. Say that the universe is too complex to simply exist and perforce must have been made by a God who simply exists.
7. Make up statistics.
8. Bluster arguments which don't make any sense, and then criticize his/her replies by saying "you're saying nonsense".
9. Allege that Einstein was a Christian.
10. Allege that Hitler was an atheist.
11. Be an internet spoilsport jerk: post absurd arguments in forums and ignore the replies; ruin all memes with your ignorance and ineptness, making Christian messages who are inappropriate, dumb and, above all, not funny.
12. Without knowing shit about genetics, biology and zoology, say vehemently that “bisexuality doesn’t exist” and “of course homosexuality is unnatural”.
13. Distort the 2nd law of thermodynamics to support your creationist fantasy.
14. Affirm that science says A, when in fact science says the exact contrary of A.
15. Bluster fallacy after fallacy and act as you’re a master debater.
16. Make sure you know less science than a 10 years old ordinary European kid, but speak like you had Ph. D. in chemistry, biology, physics, history, economy, medicine, political science, philosophy and geology.
17. Never – I say never! – have the slightest doubt of yourself, never – never! – think for a moment that you might be wrong.
18. Defend some raging lunatic priest’s racist, sexist, ignorant, unconstitutional, antidemocratic, human rights harming words by stating “it’s biblical” and “he was misunderstood”.
19. Declare that you’re a layperson in geology, but still affirm that the universal flood actually happened.
20. Declare that you’re a layperson in physics, but still affirm that the Big Bang has never happened.
21. Ask why s/he isn’t a sexual offender/murderer/bank robber/drugs dealer since s/he doesn’t believe in God.
22. Use the unanswered questions of science as evidence that God is logically necessary and man is ignorant and unable without God.
23. Complain that you’re being oppressed and suffer social prejudice, despite the fact that your religion is very majoritarian and politically well represented.
24. Putting the bigots of your church in the Chamber and Senate, making public schools work as Sunday schools, precluding legal abortion and gay marriage: this must be your political thinking, just this, solely this, and nothing more.
25. When s/he upbraids you with some awful biblical verse, promoting war, rape, genocide, infanticide etc replies “that’s what the verse says, but not what it means!”

§ Be selective of what biblical verses are to be interpreted, and what are to be taken literally, in order to make biblical religion the worst it can possibly be.

26. Never read good literature and scientific publications, read only church pamphlets, Christian self-help and conservative tabloids.
27. Make sure you're absolutely ignorant about nations, cultures, languages, philosophies and religions other than yours.
28. Be judgmental, self-righteous, narrow-minded and prejudiced.
29. Accuse others of being judgmental, narrow-minded and prejudiced.
30. Say that the USA Constitution doesn't include secularism and insist that it's based on the Ten Commandments.
31. Quote Christian self-help authors as valid sources, and refer them as Doctors.
32. Say that deep inside in his/her heart s/he knows there is a God.
33. Use awful math to support your allegations.
34. Vigorously accuse him/her of denying an evident truth.
35. Argue that the biblical stories aren't myths, they're parables, and they're all true!
36. When you're finally losing, say "I pity you".
37. End the debate saying "well, I know you're more intelligent than I am, but I know I'm right".

This could be good, it could save a lot of time. Next theist argument could just be referred to as a number.

Atheist then could simply follow 'muffs lead and respond to any and all of the above by saying "Well then, you are a cuntward"


psst, "muffs...what exactly is a cuntward? Is it more like a fuckturd or a dickwad? Consider I don't speak New Zealandese Big Grin

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.” ~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." - Mark Twain in Eruption
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12-06-2013, 12:01 AM
RE: How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
I suspect the sticky hand of ShockOfGod in this one....

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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12-06-2013, 09:16 AM
RE: How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
ShockOfGod? I don't know that. I found some of these steps on internet and I translated them to English with some adaptations. Some steps I made myself, e. g. 18, which is based on a personal experience I had some days ago.
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12-06-2013, 10:16 AM
RE: How to exasperate an atheist: a guide for Christians
(11-06-2013 10:43 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  
(11-06-2013 06:36 AM)Barone di Blocksberg Wrote:  Hello, everyone! I'm new here and I thought this would make a good 1st post. I hope you enjoy it.

HOW TO EXASPERATE AN ATHEIST:
A GUIDE FOR CHRISTIANS

1. Ask why s/he is upset with God.
2. Invite him/her to pray with you.
3. Invite his/her children to go to church with you.

§ With your tiny rat brain, you can't conceive that a perfectly sane person might simply not believe in God; only someone in error, a stray sheep who ignores the sweet holy truth or suffers from psychological trauma can possibly be an atheist for you, at the best hypothesis.

4. Insist that there is a God, and that the Bible proves it.
5. Insist that the Israelites had all scientific knowledge, for they were inspired by God, and the Genesis depiction of creation is accurate.
6. Say that the universe is too complex to simply exist and perforce must have been made by a God who simply exists.
7. Make up statistics.
8. Bluster arguments which don't make any sense, and then criticize his/her replies by saying "you're saying nonsense".
9. Allege that Einstein was a Christian.
10. Allege that Hitler was an atheist.
11. Be an internet spoilsport jerk: post absurd arguments in forums and ignore the replies; ruin all memes with your ignorance and ineptness, making Christian messages who are inappropriate, dumb and, above all, not funny.
12. Without knowing shit about genetics, biology and zoology, say vehemently that “bisexuality doesn’t exist” and “of course homosexuality is unnatural”.
13. Distort the 2nd law of thermodynamics to support your creationist fantasy.
14. Affirm that science says A, when in fact science says the exact contrary of A.
15. Bluster fallacy after fallacy and act as you’re a master debater.
16. Make sure you know less science than a 10 years old ordinary European kid, but speak like you had Ph. D. in chemistry, biology, physics, history, economy, medicine, political science, philosophy and geology.
17. Never – I say never! – have the slightest doubt of yourself, never – never! – think for a moment that you might be wrong.
18. Defend some raging lunatic priest’s racist, sexist, ignorant, unconstitutional, antidemocratic, human rights harming words by stating “it’s biblical” and “he was misunderstood”.
19. Declare that you’re a layperson in geology, but still affirm that the universal flood actually happened.
20. Declare that you’re a layperson in physics, but still affirm that the Big Bang has never happened.
21. Ask why s/he isn’t a sexual offender/murderer/bank robber/drugs dealer since s/he doesn’t believe in God.
22. Use the unanswered questions of science as evidence that God is logically necessary and man is ignorant and unable without God.
23. Complain that you’re being oppressed and suffer social prejudice, despite the fact that your religion is very majoritarian and politically well represented.
24. Putting the bigots of your church in the Chamber and Senate, making public schools work as Sunday schools, precluding legal abortion and gay marriage: this must be your political thinking, just this, solely this, and nothing more.
25. When s/he upbraids you with some awful biblical verse, promoting war, rape, genocide, infanticide etc replies “that’s what the verse says, but not what it means!”

§ Be selective of what biblical verses are to be interpreted, and what are to be taken literally, in order to make biblical religion the worst it can possibly be.

26. Never read good literature and scientific publications, read only church pamphlets, Christian self-help and conservative tabloids.
27. Make sure you're absolutely ignorant about nations, cultures, languages, philosophies and religions other than yours.
28. Be judgmental, self-righteous, narrow-minded and prejudiced.
29. Accuse others of being judgmental, narrow-minded and prejudiced.
30. Say that the USA Constitution doesn't include secularism and insist that it's based on the Ten Commandments.
31. Quote Christian self-help authors as valid sources, and refer them as Doctors.
32. Say that deep inside in his/her heart s/he knows there is a God.
33. Use awful math to support your allegations.
34. Vigorously accuse him/her of denying an evident truth.
35. Argue that the biblical stories aren't myths, they're parables, and they're all true!
36. When you're finally losing, say "I pity you".
37. End the debate saying "well, I know you're more intelligent than I am, but I know I'm right".

This could be good, it could save a lot of time. Next theist argument could just be referred to as a number.

Atheist then could simply follow 'muffs lead and respond to any and all of the above by saying "Well then, you are a cuntward"


psst, "muffs...what exactly is a cuntward? Is it more like a fuckturd or a dickwad? Consider I don't speak New Zealandese Big Grin

A cuntward is someone who is almost to the level of cunt but not worth a full fledged cunt title which is reserved to people are truly cunts, ie: Hitler was a cunt, rapists are cunts. But, Westboro Baptist Church are cuntwards.
It's like when someone isn't worth your time or attention but you still want to express that they're a crappy person/people.

I should write a dictionary on this shit for the less literate.

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