How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
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27-05-2011, 07:06 AM (This post was last modified: 27-05-2011 07:20 AM by seljusisk..)
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
(24-05-2011 11:09 AM)GassyKitten Wrote:  I'm mono-lingual. Tongue I only speak two languages. English and bad English! (Thanks to, "The Fifth Element" )
I don't like people wasting my time selling zombies door to door. I have "No Trespassing" signs posted the length of my long driveway and so I figure, if someone chooses to ignore that presuming the resident is damned, they earn what they get.

The last time I had a JW at my door, I saw them coming from my front window. I stripped butt naked, closed all the room darkening drapes through out the house, because the floor plan is like unto an oval so it was easy to start where I was seeing them through that window and making my way round to the back door, just in time for them to knock right after I lit candles on my dining room table which was easy to be seen over my shoulder.
I answered the door full frontal naked, with a butcher knife in my hand that I'd thought to grab from the knife block in the kitchen that's right before the door.
Dressed to the 9's in their Sunday best, these women all of whom had to be over 60 each, started their opening spiel clueless they were looking at a naked woman holding a knife.
"Hello, I'm __________<Whatever, have you heard of..."
Then the tit view kicked in. Just as she shut up I looked over my shoulder and called into what I knew was an empty house, "Honey! The human sacrifices to lord Satan have arrived!" And then I looked back at these women who were whiter than usual and smiled.
Suffice to say, I think they spread the word to scratch this house off their knock list, as in the midst of falling "Watchtowers" they walked faster than they'd probably done in more years than they could count. And that little mini-van made it's way up the drive that I have no doubt provided their attention to the, "No Trespassing" signs that line the drive for those who are exiting to read too.

I think it's rude, to presume everyone someone like that encounters are damned by the teachings of a transparent lie and poorly written fiction, until those persons either account of themselves as saved from the god that damns people, or concedes to be ministered to in order to save it.

Fuck that!
I don't owe a trespassing cultist one iota of respect when they fail to respect the written warning, that they can damn sure read when they can read their Bibles, that let's them know if they're not invited, don't come!
wow wow wow... i don't know whether i should fear or admire you. i don't think i would be able to do that. dang.

I've only ever had JW come over once and we just said no thank. what there is a lot of over here are mormon missionaryies. being that they are mostly young guys and not old people, i don't think i'll try the naked thing on them.

any suggestions for mormon missionaries?

Google is one of my best friends Heart
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27-05-2011, 09:57 AM
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
I think you've all strayed from the more important issue here.

So let me get this straight.....If I show up at GKs door holding a bible, I get to see her naked????? Tell me where to sign!

You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading.
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27-05-2011, 10:02 AM
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
(27-05-2011 09:57 AM)Stark Raving Wrote:  I think you've all strayed from the more important issue here.

So let me get this straight.....If I show up at GKs door holding a bible, I get to see her naked????? Tell me where to sign!

Let me know if she's pretty so I can go and check too Big Grin

I've got a nudist beach not far from here, and I can assure you: OFTEN NOT A PRETTY SIGHT Tongue

"Infinitus est numerus stultorum." (The number of fools is infinite)
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27-05-2011, 01:34 PM
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
(27-05-2011 09:57 AM)Stark Raving Wrote:  I think you've all strayed from the more important issue here.

So let me get this straight.....If I show up at GKs door holding a bible, I get to see her naked????? Tell me where to sign!

Next time she may just sacrifice somebody to lord Satan Tongue
And as your signature says ... "the second mouse gets the cheese" Big Grin

Atheism is a religion like OFF is a TV channel !!!

Proud of my genetic relatives Big Grin
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27-05-2011, 02:02 PM
 
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
dude, i would do that xD


although, i have never had one knock on my door(LUCKY!)


and i'm learning german. and i know english. sooo..... yeah.
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27-05-2011, 02:29 PM
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
What about inviting them in and having them watch a family slide show? It would be fun to see how long they could hold out. (I like the idea of opening the door naked but what if they were 'interested'? Shudder...)

We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.
Dana Gould
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27-05-2011, 02:39 PM
 
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
(27-05-2011 09:57 AM)Stark Raving Wrote:  I think you've all strayed from the more important issue here.

So let me get this straight.....If I show up at GKs door holding a bible, I get to see her naked????? Tell me where to sign!
*Evil monkey points in your direction* Perv!
Tongue

I use to have an outdoor job in my late 20's after first arriving home from Florida. I helped out this couple I know who had a food cart. I loved it because it was sunshine, suntan, fresh air, cash under the table and I got to sit under a gorgeous lush shade tree while reading to my hearts content in between customers.

In the course of that time, over 2 seasons, I had numerous strangers stop and offer me either a little red covered new testament or a tract. One woman, who I noticed pass by initially, came back and said she didn't know what it was but something told her this might help me, and then proceeded to offer me that little book.
To this day I have no reason to believe I had anything to do with lending people that impression that, on sight, I needed saving. However, it was presumptive as all get out to think that this woman sitting under a tree near a food cart reading a book who's title was not, how to cook Christians in 30 minutes. How to worship Satan in 3 easy steps or anything that would lead anyone in the Christian faith to believe I needed to find Jesus.

So, having a clear view of my driveway as I happened to walk by the living room window, seeing a strange minivan coming toward my house, when I know no one who has a minivan, not even my god daughters family, and then seeing those fancy hats the likes of which are readily seen around here on Sundays, and so when seen on this regular day of the week atop the heads of many women riding in a strange minivan up my driveway wherein, "No Trespassing" signs abound, I knew what was coming.

When I was little, I remember JW's showing up in this big car. Mom had just about gone onto the back step when she backed back into the house really quickly. At the time her cousin and her husband were JW's and now and then Mildred would send folks from temple to see if mom would come around.
Suffice to say, we pulled the blinds and mom avoided the windows and ignored the knock until these folks finally left. However, because we have a large property and at one time raised farm animals, we have barns which included one that had a little front door to it, a garage with a workshop, a guest house and a well house on the property.
Those JW's that showed up when I was little, knocked on every single door they saw. Tongue I peeked out through the blinds after they left our back step, just to see who mom was hiding from. I couldn't believe my eyes. I remember thinking, when they knocked on the side door of the garage where our workshop is and then on the small front door on the barn that use to serve as a chicken house, how desperate they are in trying to garner the attention on buildings who's purpose was so obvious. Seeking to minister to cars or chickens.

Once, shortly after that when I guess the ladies reported back to temple and in the course of events told Mildred they'd not met with success attempting to bring Jehovah to mom, Mildred came for a visit and in the course of lunch asked mom about whether or not she'd consider visiting the temple.

At this point, mom was a bit sick of Mildred's intentions trying to sell her Jehovah to a woman Mildred well knew was Fundamentalist Baptist.
I stood there and I remember mom asking Mildred if she herself, being a JW, would enter Heaven. "No!" Mildred said, because there were those who were chosen to enter god's kingdom and she was not in that number. She may have said that number or the designation was chosen before her birth, but I can't recall that.
Mom then asked if Mildred's husband, a JW , would enter Heaven. No, Mildred said, and for that same reason.

So mom clarified a bit using Mildred's answers and said; so you're a Jehovah Witness and you and your church members go around telling people about your faith, seeking converts, when the designated number of souls permitted by god to enter his kingdom is 144,000 and they have already been chosen to enter Heaven and in fact are already there?
Yes, that's right Mildred said.

Mom paused, looked Mildred straight in the eyes and then said, well then Mildred what's the point?

I was about to bust, but I stayed still and simply watched. Mildred appeared to think about it for a moment and then said, you know, I think you're right.

From that day unto the day mom passed away we never again had to suffer JW's at our door. And when she'd visit Mildred would never try to convert mom at the kitchen table. So years after mom passed away and now that both Mildred and her husband are gone too, I figured I'd cut them off at the pass early on. Because I'm not one to hide in my own home from presumptuous people who never thought of their own religions terms and conditions regarding the after life , nor do they
realize all that knocking, according to those tenets, is for nothing.

I'm hoping the word spread so that no Temple in the area thinks to come again. Because rather than risk a re-run or the accusation I'm unoriginal, I have decided next time I'll answer the door fully clothed. Grabbing one of my cat's I'll cradle them in one arm while pointing a banana at their head after opening the door and while crossing my eyes I'll look at the Witnesses and say, back away from the door leave the property or the dog gets it. Tongue

Scared or amused, admired or not, it's damn intrusive to think they're selling Jehovah to people who will never see a reward after life, for holding to the JW faith while alive.

I know that Theists example avoidance of critical thinking when holding religious faith. But the Jehovah Witness' philosophy is just ridiculous. Therefore, they should be rebuffed in kind.

Besides, I like the look on their faces when they're surprised. Wink
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27-05-2011, 02:45 PM
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
(26-05-2011 05:08 AM)gaglamesh731 Wrote:  Hmmm ..... I think I need to practice my trolling. You guys beat me hands down on this.
My story is the most pitiful to be here ... oh well Sad

A couple of old men came to my door.
I answered.
They offered to talk about jesus.
I said I was already a Christian and slammed the door.

Yeah ... Professor Gaglamesh's school of lame ... class is now in. I'm gonna go drink.

I think I can top that.

Two young boys came to my door.
I answered.
They asked me if I wanted to hear about Jesus.
I said "try the neighbors house.

I want to rip off your superstitions and make passionate sense to you
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27-05-2011, 03:34 PM
 
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
(24-05-2011 11:52 PM)Tinuz Wrote:  Hehe, Dutch ex JW here, living in Belgium....

I remember hating going from door to door, really bloody hating it. And hoping that people would slam the door in my face as quickly as possible. In fact, I tried to do worse on purpose.. of course, every once in a while, you'd meet some poor bleeding heart who would listen out of pity Dodgy

And the best way to fuck with them? Difficult, as they feel pretty superior to everyone and there is little that can pop that dream. Pagan orgies, multilingual screwups and such will be told as 'war stories' later on.

The best way is to catch them in their own reasoning, let them talk and then use their own arguments to crush them. They will try to talk themselves out of it ("But you misunderstood, what I meant is...."), let them redefine, crush them again. At some point the house of cards that is their ad-hoc reasoning will come crashing down. It takes forever though.... and it is nowhere near as fun as a Pagan orgy. Angel

I did that once! LOL The poor slob knocked on my door and he was all alone. His mistake. I kept him here for an hour, following his fuzzy logic back and pointing out the flaws. The kid was shaking when he left! It was a lot of fun.
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27-05-2011, 03:39 PM
 
RE: How to fuck with Jehova's witnesses
Now thanks to Rob, that kid is probably a member here. Tongue

Good job. Wink
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