How to help my mother
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05-07-2012, 03:46 PM
RE: How to help my mother
No Dom, that wasn't me. I think that was Anjele (?)

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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05-07-2012, 04:53 PM
RE: How to help my mother
(05-07-2012 03:46 PM)Leela Wrote:  No Dom, that wasn't me. I think that was Anjele (?)


Oh, ok. I would send him flowers. He likely won't know or remember, or be able to say that he does, but your mom will and it will matter to her.

You can also send her food baskets to her home, she won't want to cook and it"s easy to do online, I send my aunt in Germany stuff all the time.

It's not impossible to do things at a distance that will make her feel better and cared for.

In situations like that it's hard to know what to say, but little things you do will go a long way to make her feel better.

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05-07-2012, 07:22 PM
RE: How to help my mother
All advice so far has been great therefore I have nothing to add.

Sorry to hear Sad

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06-07-2012, 01:24 AM
RE: How to help my mother
oh Dom that's a good idea, I am going to check out how to do that, to send stuff. I don't have a credit card yet, so I hope there is a way to do this without Smile

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06-07-2012, 04:45 AM
RE: How to help my mother
First thing I would do is get in contact with my brother. So, try to find a way to reach him and explain the situation to him, if he cares at all for his mother, he will try to help her. If you just wait for her to reach out, you may wait until it's too late, so don't wait, act.

Also, if you get to talk to her, try to explain to her that he (her boyfriend) would never want her to die for him, he would do anything for her to live after he is gone, or seriously ill. It is because of him that she needs to live on, remember him, bring flowers to his grave (if he dies), go visit him in the hospital, take care of him... There are thousands of reasons for her to live because of him, no matter does he live or die. If she cares for him, she will not stain their love by killing herself, but by living in his name.

Try to work it out, something like that, I am sure you will find better words, you know her, so try something like that. Use logic and love, exploit her love for him and his love for her. We live on, so that we can worship and love the memory of our early departed ones.

Hope it all works out somehow.

Peace.

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06-07-2012, 08:08 AM
RE: How to help my mother
(06-07-2012 01:24 AM)Leela Wrote:  oh Dom that's a good idea, I am going to check out how to do that, to send stuff. I don't have a credit card yet, so I hope there is a way to do this without Smile


You can use debit cards, you can use your bank account, you can buy a gift card and use it, and you can use prepaid credit cards if you don't have a conventional credt card. You can walk into a flower store and pay cash and they usually send more than just flowers, too. Department stores will happily send your purchase also.

If you use Amazon, your bank account is really easy. If you don't want to give out your banking online, go to your bank and tell them you want to open a second checking account just for the purpose of buying things online, then you can put in just what you will use and it will always be empty in case anyone hacks into it.

Something tangible is next best to your being there. I spent all day every day in the hospital for 6 weeks, never knowing if I would find G. alive when I got there. All the words in the world didn't help, but the occasional tangible thing people sent ended up meaning a lot.

Flowers, chocolate, food baskets, stuffed animals, all those things have become common place to send because they actually do some good. And since you know her well, you can target better what she would like...

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06-07-2012, 08:16 AM (This post was last modified: 06-07-2012 08:36 AM by Scarlet Pimpernel.)
RE: How to help my mother
(05-07-2012 12:07 PM)Leela Wrote:  So during the last few years I distanced myself a lot from my mother because it was very unhealthy for my mind to let her into my life too much.
By now I have her on a level of a really good friend, which is fine.

Now I like to help my friends in bad times!
And this is what happened now.

Her boyfriend had a really bad stroke.
One of the blood vessels in his brain is so stuck that they can't really do anything more than they already did.
He had two surgeries this week, they now opened his skull to release some pressure, they keep him in a coma.
They also want my mother to have authority about medical things etc... This will be decided by a judge these days.
They said that he won't be able to move his right side anymore, that he might have lost speech and the ability to understand speech....

My dad had a stroke too. He was paralyzed on his right side and also had Afasia (impeded speech) which made him sound like he was drunk (which he wasn't, of course). There wasn't too much wrong with his mind/intelligence. He was still reasonably 'sharp'. But his personality changed.
He spent 11 years in wheelchairs, and asked to be euthanized when, at the end, he was hit by a series of "Tia's" (small strokes) which paralyzed him totally and made communication extremely difficult. He was 80 by then and figured he had had a good life and that it was time to go. He went in peace, in the presence of his wife and children.

Quote:Today she wrote me a short email to give me some updates and she told me that if he dies or is so damaged that it is not worth living for him, she doesn't want to anymore, either.

She told me such things a lot when I was a kid, she has always been borderline suicidal and she is still alive.

I.o.w. she probably won't do it. Unless she has a reason to. Don't give her that reason!

Quote:Now during the last few days I kept talking nicely to her, I told her to stay with friends or with my brother.
Sadly I can't visit or have her, because she is in Germany and I am in Ireland. If I would go there now, I would lose a lot of money because I don't get paid days for anything but the very few vacation days (which I already took).

Come on! WTF? You are a DAUGHTER! She is your MOTHER! When you were a toddler, and weak, and you scraped your knee, then your mom was there with you, comforting you, IMMEDIATELY! Without regard for what it would cost!
Now she is old, and weak. Now SHE needs YOU! And you OWE her!
Don't betray her!

You already took your vacation? Tough shit!

There is no place for egotism here!

Quote:But through the last years she started therapies and such and she seemed to get mentally weaker.
I am not attached enough anymore to cry about it the whole day, but it worries me just like my best friend would tell me something like that.

Would you abandon your best friend?
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06-07-2012, 10:15 AM
RE: How to help my mother
Quote:There is no place for egotism here!

Scarlet, it's called surviving and eating, not egotism... I didn't get the feeling she is buying a new TV, so she can't spend money...

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06-07-2012, 10:42 AM
RE: How to help my mother
(06-07-2012 08:08 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(06-07-2012 01:24 AM)Leela Wrote:  oh Dom that's a good idea, I am going to check out how to do that, to send stuff. I don't have a credit card yet, so I hope there is a way to do this without Smile


You can use debit cards, you can use your bank account, you can buy a gift card and use it, and you can use prepaid credit cards if you don't have a conventional credt card. You can walk into a flower store and pay cash and they usually send more than just flowers, too. Department stores will happily send your purchase also.

If you use Amazon, your bank account is really easy. If you don't want to give out your banking online, go to your bank and tell them you want to open a second checking account just for the purpose of buying things online, then you can put in just what you will use and it will always be empty in case anyone hacks into it.

Yes! Many department stores and places like Amazon use services like Paypal. I pay for a lot of things all over the world, and many places will accept Paypal... payment comes right out of my bank account.

Making sure your Mom is healthy and responsive will be very important for her mental health and will give you peace of mind, as well. Thumbsup

**************

Coincidentally.... I pulled up the Paypal Europe services... HA! ... do you need a job? http://www.jobs.ie/Paypal-Europe-Services/ Apparently they have a lot of new job openings in Dublin!!

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06-07-2012, 02:07 PM
RE: How to help my mother
(06-07-2012 08:16 AM)Scarlet Pimpernel Wrote:  Come on! WTF? You are a DAUGHTER! She is your MOTHER! When you were a toddler, and weak, and you scraped your knee, then your mom was there with you, comforting you, IMMEDIATELY! Without regard for what it would cost!
Now she is old, and weak. Now SHE needs YOU! And you OWE her!
Don't betray her!

You already took your vacation? Tough shit!

There is no place for egotism here!
Ok, you know what? Who are you to decide what I owe anyone? Do you know our relationship or history? Did I not make clear that I care about her like I care for a good friend? (And not more) Does that not tell a whole story? Plus when I was a kid I was not living in another country, it was no big deal to come out of the house when I fell, ok?
AND >> I am not just talking about losing money here, I am talking about surviving. I do not have the kind of cash to go and just buy two plane tickets plus stay off work for at least a week, plus still pay bills, a place to live, feed my family. I don't have money aside that I can use for such things.
Don't try give me a guilt trip, it won't work!

You call me trying to care AND survive at the same time egoism, fine so be it, I am an egoist.


@everyone else. thanks for caring and trying to give some good input.


@ Filox: I am pretty positive that she is simply trying to put an exclamation mark on her feeling really sad and scared. Do I take her serious? Yes! Would I be sad if she would kill herself? Yes! But I don't think that getting very soft on her will help her, she is not the kind of personality who needs that to get better, she needs more like a little push and kind of heroic talk. And that is what I am giving her right now. "you are strong, you can do this, those doctors trust you, ...." I think it helps her more, the "love-talk" will just make her more depressive and more sad, I'd rather not do that. I tell her nice things, too, but not about him wanting or not wanting things and so on.

I am going to follow Doms idea and send her something nice. Will go to the city and find some nice things and send them by post, will be there within a few days and she will feel that I handpicked things just for her. Hopefully that gives her a good feeling.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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