How to help my mother
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14-07-2012, 03:28 AM
RE: How to help my mother
Had a short chat with my mother yesterday.
The family court now recognized her as a relative (they are not married, that's why)
They decided she is unobjectable (not sure if right choice of words).
They gave her the right (and burden) to decide about all medical steps about her bf from now until January (and if he is still alive then, they will rule again - but that's my addition)
Although Max (that's his name) still has the water in his lungs, he got the tracheotomy because there was no way around it anymore.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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14-07-2012, 08:02 AM
RE: How to help my mother
I am sorry you are going through this, I am sure the worry is hard to deal with. Sounds like you are doing everything you can to be supportive.

I haven't weighed in on this although I have given it a good bit of thought. My flucked up situation with my whacko mother makes me think that I can't be very objective or helpful when it comes to mom issues.

Take care of yourself.

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14-07-2012, 09:00 AM
RE: How to help my mother
(14-07-2012 03:28 AM)Leela Wrote:  Had a short chat with my mother yesterday.
The family court now recognized her as a relative (they are not married, that's why)
They decided she is unobjectable (not sure if right choice of words).
They gave her the right (and burden) to decide about all medical steps about her bf from now until January (and if he is still alive then, they will rule again - but that's my addition)
Although Max (that's his name) still has the water in his lungs, he got the tracheotomy because there was no way around it anymore.


Boy, that sends me back to some horrific memories.

My mom was 88 and in pain and just wanted to be left alone to die, and she wanted to refuse any further dialysis, which would of course speed things up considerably. However, this is a request that is not normal in Germany and the hospital needed to cover it's ass.

We did get it done. We had to have a judge come to the hospital room to transfer power of attorney to me. Poor mom was drifting in and out of consciousness and it was a stroke of luck for her that she was awake when the judge showed up.

What really gets me is that German bureaucracy needed me to speak for her. Her word wasn't worth a damn because she was old and sick and may not be in her right mind. So she had to prove that she was in her right mind to give me power of attorney that let me voice her decisions for her because she may not be in her right mind. DUH!!!!! Can you even follow that? Convoluted in a full circle.

There my mom was dying and they send you on those totally ridiculous legal adventures.

I understand that under Hitler tons of people disappeared out of hospitals overnight etc. because they were a burden to society. As a reaction to that, the German laws are very thorough and strict concerning medical treatment and death. And while these laws are meant to protect people from any Hitler type occurrances, they end up taking away the patient's right to determine their own future.

The legal hoops I had to jump through to grant mom's wishes were not only exacerbating the situation, they were incredibly ridiculous.

The German laws regarding hospitals, doctors and death are meant well, but damn, a person has the right to determine whether they want treatment or not. I had checked into hospice for her, they would not insist on giving her dialysis (which caused her the pain after 35 years of it), but the paperwork was extensive and there was a waiting period of at least a month. That would have meant 8 more dialysis sessions for mom, and just amounted to unnecessary cruelty.

Well, she did get to stop it, but if I hadn't flown over there to help her, she would have been put in an institution against her will and treated until her body gave out totally. To me, that is a crime against humanity.

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14-07-2012, 10:13 AM
RE: How to help my mother
@Anjele: I understand, no worries. Thanks for the post Smile

@Dom: gosh I completely know what you are talking about! The bureaucrazy in Germany is horrible and often unnessasary. I am sorry you had to fight for your mom's right, it should be a given that a person has the right to decide about their own treatment (or lack of). Hope you are ok.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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18-07-2012, 10:26 AM
RE: How to help my mother
haven't heard from her in about a week. wrote her, texted her, no answer. going to ask my brother if he knows anything and if not, calling again to see what's going on

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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18-07-2012, 11:35 AM
RE: How to help my mother
(18-07-2012 10:26 AM)Leela Wrote:  haven't heard from her in about a week. wrote her, texted her, no answer. going to ask my brother if he knows anything and if not, calling again to see what's going on


It's not unusual for a care taker to isolate him/herself. When my husband was in the hospital with his life hanging from a thread for 6 weeks I barely kept in touch with anyone. Somehow telling others about what is going on only makes it harder to take. While you are at the hospital your mind is on overload, and when you go home to sleep you want your mind to be vacant. It's a way to cope. I would conclude only that he is not yet out of the woods...

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18-07-2012, 03:35 PM
RE: How to help my mother
Oh she answered my mail from yesterday.
Told me that it looks a little better right now.
The pneumonia is getting better, water in the lungs are getting less, they want to lower his pain meds.
She said that after these news she finally felt hungry at got herself something from the turkish restaurant.
She also mentioned that she finally looks for a different job (she hates her profession) and applied for an office job at the clinic where she has been treated for her depression.
So sounds everything sounds a bit better Smile

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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22-07-2012, 12:10 PM
RE: How to help my mother
Ok, news again.
His pneumonia went worse again. His blood pressure had been very low 40/60. When my mom left the hospital it was back up to 60/80. The problem are two of the medications that he gets, one for the water in the lungs, one to make him calm. Both lower blood pressure.

Thank you for those, giving me comforting words. I actually did not know why I got comforting words because I didn't think I needed them, as my mom is the person in pain. I now understand, I miss something in my repertoir of feelings/emotions, and that is empathy, therefore I do not expect empathy to be brought towards me.
I have now been explained this and wanted to say thank you, because now I realize Smile

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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23-07-2012, 12:19 PM
RE: How to help my mother
Today's E-Mail, which I got from my mom, started with "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
And I thought the worst had happened.
But actually the news are good.
The pneumonia is stabalizing and getting better, pulse up to 83, blood pressure stable.
She said his legs were twitching a lot so she moved his legs a bit and it got a bit better after.
She also lifted his hands and moved his fingers a little, she said his hands were shaking.
I think this is already a good sign, knowing that they are sedating him less now.
She said when she talked and sang to him his eyes where moving under the lids. She said it looked a bit like someone who is sleeping and trying to wake up.
While she sang and talked to him the pulse rose to 90 as well. So she thinks he does register something but doesn't know how much it is.
The doctor told her she can stay a bit longer. Normally you are only allowed an hour from 3 to 4 pm because he is in the ICU. But the doctor said that this seems to be good for Max so she stayed a bit longer today.

This is great news I think Smile

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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23-07-2012, 01:23 PM
RE: How to help my mother
(23-07-2012 12:19 PM)Leela Wrote:  Today's E-Mail, which I got from my mom, started with "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
And I thought the worst had happened.
But actually the news are good.
The pneumonia is stabalizing and getting better, pulse up to 83, blood pressure stable.
She said his legs were twitching a lot so she moved his legs a bit and it got a bit better after.
She also lifted his hands and moved his fingers a little, she said his hands were shaking.
I think this is already a good sign, knowing that they are sedating him less now.
She said when she talked and sang to him his eyes where moving under the lids. She said it looked a bit like someone who is sleeping and trying to wake up.
While she sang and talked to him the pulse rose to 90 as well. So she thinks he does register something but doesn't know how much it is.
The doctor told her she can stay a bit longer. Normally you are only allowed an hour from 3 to 4 pm because he is in the ICU. But the doctor said that this seems to be good for Max so she stayed a bit longer today.

This is great news I think Smile



It does sound like he will come around soon...

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