How to help someone being abused?
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07-03-2016, 05:24 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
You are a good friend, Turkey. She is lucky to have you.
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07-03-2016, 05:44 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
(07-03-2016 09:52 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  I have a friend who is trapped in a situation. Here are the relevant factors:
Family/community is Catholic, traditionalist
HS education (was home schooled)
She is no longer a believer
Forced to attend church
Has multiple children
Health issues making pregnancy very dangerous
Has lost multiple pregnancies, during one she almost died herself
Being denied birth control
Terrified of becoming pregnant again
Until very recently was denied ability to work
Has part time, hourly job
Seeing therapist for depression (as one might expect)
Was forced to sign release allowing therapist to tell husband about sessions
She wants to leave but feels trapped, primarily because she doesn't know how she would survive and take care of her children with only an hourly job, no insurance, etc.
She left once, and stayed in a domestic violence shelter, but went back to him when he agreed to let her work outside the home and to seek counselling. But their marriage counselor is also a traditionalist catholic, so...

I am unable to help other than to provide moral support for reasons I can't go in to here. I want to help her make an escape plan.

What are her options? What are some resources? Are there any secular organizations that can help her get out of this?

It hurts to have to stand helplessly to one side watching someone be abused like that. I have been in that situation.
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07-03-2016, 08:06 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
(07-03-2016 05:44 PM)DerFish Wrote:  
(07-03-2016 09:52 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  I have a friend who is trapped in a situation. Here are the relevant factors:
Family/community is Catholic, traditionalist
HS education (was home schooled)
She is no longer a believer
Forced to attend church
Has multiple children
Health issues making pregnancy very dangerous
Has lost multiple pregnancies, during one she almost died herself
Being denied birth control
Terrified of becoming pregnant again
Until very recently was denied ability to work
Has part time, hourly job
Seeing therapist for depression (as one might expect)
Was forced to sign release allowing therapist to tell husband about sessions
She wants to leave but feels trapped, primarily because she doesn't know how she would survive and take care of her children with only an hourly job, no insurance, etc.
She left once, and stayed in a domestic violence shelter, but went back to him when he agreed to let her work outside the home and to seek counselling. But their marriage counselor is also a traditionalist catholic, so...

I am unable to help other than to provide moral support for reasons I can't go in to here. I want to help her make an escape plan.

What are her options? What are some resources? Are there any secular organizations that can help her get out of this?

It hurts to have to stand helplessly to one side watching someone be abused like that. I have been in that situation.

Yes. It hurts more than I would have ever imagined. Worse, it occurs at a time when I am at one of the most emotionally vulnerable points I've ever been in my life. When it rains, it pours, I suppose.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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07-03-2016, 08:10 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
At different times in my life I would probably given different answers.

At this point having seen it too many times....

The simple truth is, she has to really want to break the cycle of abuse. She has to want to get out and risk being on welfare or even becoming homeless.

She has to be willing not to trade off a little comfort for a lifetime of hurt. It's not easy, but it's nothing anyone can do for her.

You can point, you can suggest, you can try to protect her, but in the end it really is up to her.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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07-03-2016, 08:19 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
(07-03-2016 08:10 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  At different times in my life I would probably given different answers.

At this point having seen it too many times....

The simple truth is, she has to really want to break the cycle of abuse. She has to want to get out and risk being on welfare or even becoming homeless.

She has to be willing not to trade off a little comfort for a lifetime of hurt. It's not easy, but it's nothing anyone can do for her.

You can point, you can suggest, you can try to protect her, but in the end it really is up to her.

I understand. I think she is almost there. She is afraid to research or ask around on her own. The community she is in will essentially tattle on her. It is systemic, not just her marriage. I'm hoping an escape plan will give her the courage to make the jump. It could just be wishful thinking.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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07-03-2016, 08:31 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
(07-03-2016 08:19 PM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  
(07-03-2016 08:10 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  At different times in my life I would probably given different answers.

At this point having seen it too many times....

The simple truth is, she has to really want to break the cycle of abuse. She has to want to get out and risk being on welfare or even becoming homeless.

She has to be willing not to trade off a little comfort for a lifetime of hurt. It's not easy, but it's nothing anyone can do for her.

You can point, you can suggest, you can try to protect her, but in the end it really is up to her.

I understand. I think she is almost there. She is afraid to research or ask around on her own. The community she is in will essentially tattle on her. It is systemic, not just her marriage. I'm hoping an escape plan will give her the courage to make the jump. It could just be wishful thinking.

Making plans can be useful, she's got to be brave about what her life will look like after. Many women don't think it through. They don't consider how difficult it will be. Or worse they try to jump into the same situation with a different man.

We knew a couple years ago, her friends (myself included) tried to encourage her to leave, but no one (police, judges, attorneys) actually believed her (her husband was well-known -- very respected with many influential and well-connected friends who used his own power to keep her). It wasn't until he beat her up so horrifically that he broke the orbit of her eye -- amongst other bones, that anyone took notice.

He went to jail. We never saw her again.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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07-03-2016, 09:50 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
(07-03-2016 08:19 PM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  
(07-03-2016 08:10 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  At different times in my life I would probably given different answers.

At this point having seen it too many times....

The simple truth is, she has to really want to break the cycle of abuse. She has to want to get out and risk being on welfare or even becoming homeless.

She has to be willing not to trade off a little comfort for a lifetime of hurt. It's not easy, but it's nothing anyone can do for her.

You can point, you can suggest, you can try to protect her, but in the end it really is up to her.

I understand. I think she is almost there. She is afraid to research or ask around on her own. The community she is in will essentially tattle on her. It is systemic, not just her marriage. I'm hoping an escape plan will give her the courage to make the jump. It could just be wishful thinking.

Agreed with 'Mom'. It has to be her decision, but as a good friend, your helping research her options is a great thing to do. If she is truly under the thumb of her husband as you describe, providing that assistance can be a great help to her.

If she left once and stayed in a domestic violence shelter, I have to think she does know a little of the resources she would need to avail herself of. But she went back. You should be prepared for that to happen all over again. You wouldn't want to hold that over her and criticize her prior decision to return, but perhaps try to prepare her to think through and plan how she will respond if he again applies pressure to return.
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07-03-2016, 10:29 PM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
(07-03-2016 09:50 PM)BryanS Wrote:  
(07-03-2016 08:19 PM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  I understand. I think she is almost there. She is afraid to research or ask around on her own. The community she is in will essentially tattle on her. It is systemic, not just her marriage. I'm hoping an escape plan will give her the courage to make the jump. It could just be wishful thinking.

Agreed with 'Mom'. It has to be her decision, but as a good friend, your helping research her options is a great thing to do. If she is truly under the thumb of her husband as you describe, providing that assistance can be a great help to her.

If she left once and stayed in a domestic violence shelter, I have to think she does know a little of the resources she would need to avail herself of. But she went back. You should be prepared for that to happen all over again. You wouldn't want to hold that over her and criticize her prior decision to return, but perhaps try to prepare her to think through and plan how she will respond if he again applies pressure to return.

The last time she went back she had no job and no friends. This time it's a little different. But, based on what I am reading, I am afraid it is just wishful thinking on my part. I am in no position to criticize anyone for their life decisions. Thus far, I have only tried to reassure her that she is braver, stronger, and more valuable than she realizes.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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08-03-2016, 12:29 AM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
The most you can do is provide her with information and emotional support. She is the one who must develop any plan, and most importantly the will to execute it.

We can't save the world, we can't save anyone outside ourselves, and sometimes we cannot even do that. Understanding what is and is not within your power to change is vital.
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11-03-2016, 08:18 AM
RE: How to help someone being abused?
No Sadcryface Sadcryface

very, very sad today.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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