How to tell if you're in a ....... novel
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
08-09-2016, 09:20 AM
RE: How to tell if you're in a ....... novel
Because there are some authors whom it’s just so much fun to poke fun at (not nearly as much as Rand or Hemingway, but still…) Rolleyes

[Image: DickensColourLowres-2.jpg]

Also: Dickens internet search history (was half waiting for a search about A Tail and Two Titties. I guess he had the common sense to turn on private browsing for those) Odds Bodkins, those poor folk and those cannibalism habits of theirs! Rolleyes

Urchins
How to identify an urchin
What do urchins eat?
Can urchins read?
Is gruel real?
What is gruel?
What is in gruel?
Gruel recipes
How to spell ‘gruel’?
Actress ankles
Charles Dickens
“Charles Dickens”
“Charles Dickens” + Actress
How + To + Keep + Affairs + Secret
Suitable + Gifts + Angry + Wife
Standard goose measurements
Workhouse + Duties
Believable surnames
Unnaturally large bustles
Good + Ways + To + End + Book
Elizabeth Gaskell
Elizabeth Gaskell Amazon rank
Elizabeth Gaskell feet
Building partition in marital home
How do the poor talk?
How do the underclass talk?
How do lowlifes talk?
What is a barrowboy?
Things misers say
Things judges say
Things women say
Believable things women say
Uncomplicated undergarments
Strumpets + Mild
Etchings + Bawdy
Urchin + Fail
Surprising plot twists
Unfeasible plot twists
Am I a gadfly?
Grim House
Dour House
Bad House
Nasty House
Appalling House
Huge impractical bicycles
Queen Victoria
Queen Victoria pics
Queen Victoria feet
Frenchmen + Habits
Frenchmen + Hats
How do Frenchmen walk?
Am I a Frenchman?
Barnaby Rudge + Euphemism
Wilkie Collins Amazon rating
Wilkie Collins + Fraud
Wilkie Collins + Gossip
Wilkie Collins + Dirt
Wilkie Collins + Love child
Wilkie Collins + Scullery Maid
Scullery Maid
Scullery Maid ankles
Am I a gadabout?
Water closet irregularities
Dorrits + Size
Fallen woman + Pics
What is a normal number of ghosts?
Reproductive habits of the poor
Privy habits of the poor
Cannibalism habits of the poor
Do people really say ‘odds bodkins’?
Girls with parasols
Charles Dickens
“Charles Dickens”
“Charles Dickens” bald
“Charles Dickens” genius
Removing urchin blood from frock coat
Urchin synonyms

And speaking of Hemingway
[Image: hemingway1.jpg]

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Vera's post
23-07-2017, 09:32 PM
RE: How to tell if you're in a ....... novel
ANAGRAMS OF “ERNEST HEMINGWAY” THAT COULD SORT OF ALMOST BE TITLES OF HIS NOVELS

When Gin May Steer

Wager in Thy Semen

Say When, Tim Green


A Sweeter Hymning

When Gin May Steer

My Wheaten Singer

Hey, New Emigrants

Seething Wary Men

Say When, Tim Green

My Earthen Sewing

Where Nesting May

The Enemy War Sign

Three Mangy Swine

My Ewe Near Things

We Earthy Men Sing

Yearning Whets Me

Wager in Thy Semen

Weensy Nightmare

“TOTO’S ‘AFRICA’”
BY ERNEST HEMINGWAY


At the airport the young man heard far-off drums echoing in the night. He imagined the young woman in the plane sitting still, hearing whispers of a quiet conversation near the rear of the fuselage. He glanced down at his father’s wristwatch—12:30. The flight was on time.

The plane’s wings were moonlit and reflected the stars. The moonlight had guided him there, toward this salvation. He had stopped an older man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words, or perhaps an ancient melody, for such an occasion. The old man had said nothing at first, and instead stared cryptically into the sodden earth. Then he raised his head and turned slowly.

“Hurry, boy. It’s waiting there for you,” the old man had said.

The plane was almost gliding. The young man looked at the wristwatch again. His head spun from whiskey and soda. She was a damned nice woman. It would take a lot to drag him away from her. It was unlikely that a hundred men or more could ever do such a thing. The air, now thick and moist, seemed to carry rain again. He blessed the rains of Africa. They were the only thing left to bless in this forsaken place, he thought—at least until she set foot on the continent. They were going to take some time to do the things they never had.

He stood on the tarmac and watched as the plane came in for its landing. He heard the sound of wild dogs crying out into the night. The man thought the dogs sounded desperate, perhaps having grown restless and longing for some company. He knew the feeling. The crying of the dogs reminded him that he would need to do what he knew was right now that she was here. Of this he was as certain as Kilimanjaro rising like Olympus above the Serengeti. He had traveled and sought to cure what was deep inside him, what frightened him of himself.

The plane landed and stopped. He hurried. She would be waiting there for him.


THE OPENING PARAGRAPH OF THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA UPDATED FOR MODERN READERS

He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.

[LINK: FIVE SEAFOOD RECIPES THAT ARE GREAT FOR YOUR HEART … AND YOUR MORTGAGE.]

In the first forty days a boy had been with him.

[AD: LOSE 40 POUNDS IN 40 DAYS, WHILE PAYING DOWN YOUR MORTGAGE, GUARANTEED!]

But after forty days without a fish the boy’s parents had told him that the old man was now definitely and finally salao, which is the worst form of unlucky, and the boy had gone at their orders in another boat which caught three good fish the first week.

[VIDEO: YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THIS MOM TOLD THIS STEP-DAD TO TELL THEIR 3-YEAR-OLD SON, AND WHAT WAS SWIMMING IN THEIR POOL!]


It made the boy sad to see the old man come in each day with his skiff empty and he always went down to help him carry either the coiled lines or the gaff and harpoon and the sail that was furled around the mast.

[AD: SPRING CRUISE BLOWOUT DEALS FOR YOU AND OTHER SENIORS — TODAY ONLY, MAYBE!]

The sail was patched with flour sacks and, furled, it looked like the flag of permanent defeat.

UBER REVIEWS
OF LITERARY JOURNEYS


Driver: J.R.R. Tolkien
“Driver meandered so much that I stopped the trip halfway through.”

- - -
Driver: Harper Lee
“I don’t know if it is a violation of Uber’s rules, but she had a friend sitting shotgun with whom she switched places right before the ride begun.”

- - -
Driver: Jack Kerouac
“Took the scenic route.”

- - -
Driver: George RR Martin
“Struck and killed a pedestrian!”

- - -
Driver: Robert Frost
“Refused to go my route, said he knew a lesser trafficked road.”

- - -

Driver: Herman Melville
“Kept pointing things out for no reason. Sloooowwwwww driver.”

- - -
Driver: Charles Bukowski
“I think driver was drunk!”

- - -
Driver: Hunter S. Thompson
“I think the driver was more than drunk.”

- - -
Driver: H.L. Mencken
“Didn’t obey traffic laws.”

- - -

Driver: Ayn Rand
“Waited until Surge to pick me up.”

- - -
Driver: Dan Brown
“Kept hitting plotholes.”

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Vera's post
12-08-2017, 08:29 PM
RE: How to tell if you're in a ....... novel
IF CHARLES BUKOWSKI HAD WRITTEN CHILDREN’S BOOKS

The Whore Who Snored

Why Is Grandpa Heaving?

The Years Will Fly Like Hummingbirds and One Gray Day You’ll Die

Love Turns to Crap Like a Sandwich

The Alley Cat and the Wounded Dog Share Scraps of Bird and Dung

Uncle Hank’s Sack of Empties

Wishbones Come from Chicken, Harlots Come from Hell

The Park Bench Where You Eat Your Lunch Will Be Your Bed Someday

Get Up Now

BEDTIME STORIES
BY THOM YORKE


The Happy Little Bunny

Once there was a little bunny who had a little furry tail and a little shiny nose. But the electrodeath cloud of commerce strangled it and its foxhole was converted to a parking lot, a parking lot, a parking lot. Ample parking asphalted over bunny bones. Everyone everyone everyone get in.

Hannah and Gunther

Hannah and her brother Gunther lived in a happy wooden house at the end of a windy road by the forest. Chomping tree-eating machines grinding, halting, grinding the forest destroyed the trees—birches branches Branford—to make end tables and politician luncheon plates, spin spin spin. I can’t feel my legs anymore.

Whoopsie the Clumsy Dragon

In the dragon family in the enchanted cave, there lived Mother, Father, Brother, and Whoopsie. Whoopsie tried to be like the other dragons, but anytime he tried to help he ended up making a mess. Diplomats destroy the ozone and waiting, wailing. Crawl in the hole, leap the banshee, and eat the sunlight. Tonight, tomorrow, why bother? Another. Another. I’m a grown monkey wastechain.

Everybody Enjoys Manners!

When we eat, it’s fun to have our manners eat with us! Wear your napkin on your lap and don’t hit your sister, even if she throws peas at you. Reason your reasons, razors shave the planet clean. Blood fills the rivers, clogs the tubes. I want to die, eat your ice cream.

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Vera's post
12-08-2017, 11:04 PM
RE: How to tell if you're in a ....... novel
How to tell when you're in a novel? When Jack Vettriano paints a picture of you:

[Image: The-Singing-Butler1.jpg]

[Image: Dance%20Me%20to%20the%20End%20of%20Love%20I-430x430.jpg]

[Image: a_dangerous_beach.png]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Thumpalumpacus's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: