I Don't Know What Else To Do
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14-10-2017, 10:09 PM
I Don't Know What Else To Do
I finally broke today, I cried three times, once to my step day when I was asking for advice on the situation.

See my grandmother, a harpy in my mind, will often asked me to help her. When I just can't get it right, or have a hard time doing something, she yells at me. If I do one things she doesn't like she yells at me for the most meaningless tasks. I've pented up some anger and frustration from this for years now.
Mostly because I try to be helpful to her, as she's in her 50's, but the fact is all she does is yell, scream, and then later call me lazy because I now refuse to help her, and dad at times, because i'm afraid she'll yell at me for something I just didn't get right in her mind.

I tried hard to tell my step dad this, I've tried so hard to get someone to realize where I can't stand up to her someone else can. I know my mom, or grandmother, see I call her mom because she raised me. By this point in my life, I know how she'll react and what she'll say. And I'm often never wrong.
I tried to tell him how I felt, but it's hard to put into words. Best way I can is, it's like telling a puppy to do a trick, but the puppy just barely missed the nail's head but still managed to do it. So you kick the puppy and tell it it can't do anything right and thus you take over. When the puppy tries to make up for it, you instead tell it that it's 'nothing' and huff and puff as you do the job.

It basically makes me feel like I am worthless to her, and only there to be here yelling/punching bag.

I broke down, I sobbed once to my step dad. He told me to talk to her. Then I broke down again in the bathroom now that the cap was off the bottle.

So I tried to talk to her, I told her the truth, and cried softly hugging my arms. I wanted her to tell me it wasn't true, that she loved me, that she was sorry. I didn't expect her to stop with the yelling all the time. Just that she'd try to do better. I had hoped for this, but I knew it wasn't so.

Instead, I got what I expected a few 'I'm sorry' things, a side hug from her as she was sitting down, and I had to go to her. Then she told me to 'Don't bother then helping me, just do you own thing.'
Then was back to searching through facebook. it's exactly how I knew she would react in my mind. At least without dad there in my personally opinion, then again Dad would have just asked me to pray with them to make it better. As if that fucking does something!

Needless to say that didn't help. I cried so hard in the bathroom, silent, but in a hurtful way. After I managed to calm down, sat outside and joked with my real mom and grandfather. I came back inside and she asked me.
"Are you better now?"
I was, but...

I don't know what to think of that. Or what hurts more.
Was she sincerer or just going through scripted play lines?

The mom I knew, or grandmother I knew, from my childhood would have tried to consul me. Even if I was a teen. Yet this one seemed so cold about it.
Does it hurt more when I try to do as she asks, there is a 80% chance I'll be yelled at because I just didn't do it right?
It's not like she yells all the time, but those are the moments that hit the most because I don't know WHY she is yelling. I don't know what I can do to make it stop! As a kid you want your mom to stop yelling at you, so you find out what you did wrong and learn from it. But here, I don't know what I did wrong, and it just keeps happening!

A voice just tell me that I'm just some 'Bratty Teen' looking for "Attention' and 'How dare I try to seek attention when others have it worse.' I wish I was joking, but these are my real thoughts.
I've noticed when I cry I am trying hard to smile still, even though I can see the pain in my eyes. And it occurred to me that when in my weakest moments, I'm still trying to hid the pain.

I'm in college, but I have no where to go. I'm afraid that I'll say something horrible to her, and dad might kick me out because of it, or worse considering his temper. I don't know what to do, and it might be years before I can move out.
But I feel bad about leaving her, because she and dad can't do much on their own, and I don't want to lose them because I love them. I want to help, but she's driven me to the point that I'm scared to because I think she'll yell at me again. I hate it when she yells, because I just don't know what I can do to make it stop, how can I make her proud of me, or just give me an actually 'thank you' without any hostility in her tone?

If there even if a God I want to ask why is it this good Christian family is tearing me apart!

"Governments don't want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking That is against their interests.
They want obedient workers people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork And just dumb enough to passively accept it."

- George Carlin
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14-10-2017, 10:58 PM (This post was last modified: 14-10-2017 11:20 PM by Robvalue.)
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
I'm really sorry to hear about this Ruby Heart

It's very clear to me, from what you say, that your gran is emotionally abusing you. I've been through something similar myself. My father used to be great when I was young, but when I reached my early teens and started to be a little independent from him, he turned and became an emotionally abusive monster. For whenever reason, it sounds like your gran has done the same.

There's no excuse for the way she is treating you, and it's certainly not your fault. It sounds like you've done everything you possibly could to try and heal the relationship; you've gone above and beyond in fact. She has reacted exactly as I would have expected her to as well.

The only solution regarding people like her, in my opinion, is to emotionally disconnect from them. It took me years of therapy and soaking up abuse to the point of near-suicide, but I finally decided I had to not care about anything my dad does or thinks. I don't value his opinion, I don't require his approval, I don't do things to please him, and I don't value our relationship at all. I have the minimum amount of contact possible.

I understand that this is all very difficult if you can't physically get away from her yet. I hope that, in time, you are able to move somewhere where you can move her firmly into the background of your life. It may eventually be that you need to cut all contact completely; it very nearly came to that with my father. Your mental wellbeing is more important than whatever games she is playing. For now, I'd say you need to stop helping her, any more than is absolutely necessary; ideally at all. She is not your responsibility.

I also understand how conflicting this must be, when she was responsible for bringing you up. Such as it was with my dad. The only way I could find to resolve this is to be grateful to the "past dad", that no longer really exists, for all he did. And I treat the "present dad" in the only way I can in order to preserve my sanity. The two are distinct, and it sounds like it's very much the case with your nan. You don't owe the present version anything for what the past version did.

You're welcome to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to Heart

PS: I would highly recommend seeing a doctor and requesting some sort of counseling or therapy to help you through these issues. I never would have survived without it.

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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15-10-2017, 12:22 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
From my own experience there is not muchto add from my side or else to say but to
stress how much i totally agree with Robvalue.

Just because someone is your biological parent, just because he/she raised you, just because *add anything he/she did for you* doesnt justify them abusing you physically (by exploitation when they get old) or psychologically (acting like a manipulative psychopath when you still do engage with them).

I completely separated from my mom over 25y ago until she died earlier this year, and it was the right thing to do. I keep a minimum contact to my dad (but i still am helping him in need, just yesterday i paid a 700$ bill for him because he is broke), and my relation to him has never been better, because i separated my life from his.

Its your life, you dont owe your life and health (physical and mental) to nobody, nobody.

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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15-10-2017, 12:33 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
Hug
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15-10-2017, 12:38 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
It really pisses me off when I hear about these sorts of toxic relationships Ruby, and I can't offer any other thoughts beyond what the other guys have said—all good advice.

Simply put, it's emotional blackmail, and also a power play by your grandmother—which is definitely unacceptable. But I also understand that your accommodation needs can't, for the moment, be altered due to your financial circumstances.

It's not much I know, but please know that my thoughts are with you, and I'm hoping for the best outcome for you in the not too distant future.

Hang in there. Thumbsup

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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15-10-2017, 02:03 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
Ruby,

If you were near me I would hug you right now. I would make you a cup of tea and sit with you to listen about all the hard things that have been hurting so much. Hug

The listening I can do. Please keep posting whenever you feel like it.

D.
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15-10-2017, 05:49 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
*hugs* I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I know you say you don't want to leave them, but you are getting older (in college and such) and if you want to move out, I think that's a healthy thing to do for a variety of reasons. When I was in college, many people I knew got an apartment and had several roommates as a way to make it work financially. So that's an option if you would like to move out without having to do it all by yourself. And you can still stop by and help your parents out if they need it. You said they are in their 50's right, so it seems unless they have a medical condition, they are able to take care of themselves?

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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15-10-2017, 06:39 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
Thinking the same thing.

If you don't have a job, get one, get a couple of paychecks and move out.
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15-10-2017, 06:54 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
(14-10-2017 10:09 PM)Ruby Crystal Wrote:  I finally broke today, I cried three times, once to my step day when I was asking for advice on the situation.

See my grandmother, a harpy in my mind, will often asked me to help her. When I just can't get it right, or have a hard time doing something, she yells at me. If I do one things she doesn't like she yells at me for the most meaningless tasks. I've pented up some anger and frustration from this for years now.
Mostly because I try to be helpful to her, as she's in her 50's, but the fact is all she does is yell, scream, and then later call me lazy because I now refuse to help her, and dad at times, because i'm afraid she'll yell at me for something I just didn't get right in her mind.

I tried hard to tell my step dad this, I've tried so hard to get someone to realize where I can't stand up to her someone else can. I know my mom, or grandmother, see I call her mom because she raised me. By this point in my life, I know how she'll react and what she'll say. And I'm often never wrong.
I tried to tell him how I felt, but it's hard to put into words. Best way I can is, it's like telling a puppy to do a trick, but the puppy just barely missed the nail's head but still managed to do it. So you kick the puppy and tell it it can't do anything right and thus you take over. When the puppy tries to make up for it, you instead tell it that it's 'nothing' and huff and puff as you do the job.

It basically makes me feel like I am worthless to her, and only there to be here yelling/punching bag.

I broke down, I sobbed once to my step dad. He told me to talk to her. Then I broke down again in the bathroom now that the cap was off the bottle.

So I tried to talk to her, I told her the truth, and cried softly hugging my arms. I wanted her to tell me it wasn't true, that she loved me, that she was sorry. I didn't expect her to stop with the yelling all the time. Just that she'd try to do better. I had hoped for this, but I knew it wasn't so.

Instead, I got what I expected a few 'I'm sorry' things, a side hug from her as she was sitting down, and I had to go to her. Then she told me to 'Don't bother then helping me, just do you own thing.'
Then was back to searching through facebook. it's exactly how I knew she would react in my mind. At least without dad there in my personally opinion, then again Dad would have just asked me to pray with them to make it better. As if that fucking does something!

Needless to say that didn't help. I cried so hard in the bathroom, silent, but in a hurtful way. After I managed to calm down, sat outside and joked with my real mom and grandfather. I came back inside and she asked me.
"Are you better now?"
I was, but...

I don't know what to think of that. Or what hurts more.
Was she sincerer or just going through scripted play lines?

The mom I knew, or grandmother I knew, from my childhood would have tried to consul me. Even if I was a teen. Yet this one seemed so cold about it.
Does it hurt more when I try to do as she asks, there is a 80% chance I'll be yelled at because I just didn't do it right?
It's not like she yells all the time, but those are the moments that hit the most because I don't know WHY she is yelling. I don't know what I can do to make it stop! As a kid you want your mom to stop yelling at you, so you find out what you did wrong and learn from it. But here, I don't know what I did wrong, and it just keeps happening!

A voice just tell me that I'm just some 'Bratty Teen' looking for "Attention' and 'How dare I try to seek attention when others have it worse.' I wish I was joking, but these are my real thoughts.
I've noticed when I cry I am trying hard to smile still, even though I can see the pain in my eyes. And it occurred to me that when in my weakest moments, I'm still trying to hid the pain.

I'm in college, but I have no where to go. I'm afraid that I'll say something horrible to her, and dad might kick me out because of it, or worse considering his temper. I don't know what to do, and it might be years before I can move out.
But I feel bad about leaving her, because she and dad can't do much on their own, and I don't want to lose them because I love them. I want to help, but she's driven me to the point that I'm scared to because I think she'll yell at me again. I hate it when she yells, because I just don't know what I can do to make it stop, how can I make her proud of me, or just give me an actually 'thank you' without any hostility in her tone?

If there even if a God I want to ask why is it this good Christian family is tearing me apart!

> Tell your abusive grandmother like it is. The next time she yells at you or needlessly finds fault, stay calm and tell her that she's making an intolerable ass of herself and you won't put up with this sort of bullying behavior anymore. Then leave the room. Keep doing this until she gets the message. Consider
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15-10-2017, 07:01 AM
RE: I Don't Know What Else To Do
You have new information, which is always useful. You've articulated your concerns and they've been rejected. You now know nothing is going to change.

My recommendation is to use the time you previously used helping your grandmother (who in her 50s should be perfectly capable of doing stuff herself) to increase your hours at your job or to take a second job. Use the money from your job(s) to move out. You don't have to be out of college to be living elsewhere. You could probably get enough money together to move out in a few weeks. Use the bulletin boards or Craigslist, etc., to find people who are looking for roommates, make a deal, and move.

If you decide to stay, find ways to spend more time out of the house so that you won't be around when she wants help. If you don't want to use the time working and building your escape fund, think about volunteering somewhere where your help will be welcome, start working out, etc. Use your house as a place to eat and sleep.
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