I Feel Alone
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10-04-2014, 10:32 AM
I Feel Alone
I feel alone, but perhaps that's normal. Perhaps I just need to be patient. I basically lost everyone, or atleast I lost their sympathies and genuine friendship (except my wife). Everyone in the church assume they know what I know and what is best for me. None of them listen. That's okay, why should I expect them to? If they listened to the BOM and half the rubbish church leaders say they would be exmo like me. I wanted to send my resignation so bad but my mother and grandmother made me promise I wouldn't. They think I'll come back some day, but I wont. The hurt is deep and the facts are real, I'm done with all religion.

Everyone contacts my wife with friendly letters. Saying they miss her and want her to come back. No one sends me anything. It hurts a little, but I wouldn't care for it otherwise. But all this attention to my wife makes me think that they (TBM's) might think I've tempted my wife to leave as well. There's also a rumor going around that my wife and I are now satanists who practice which craft.

What part of atheist and agnostic do they not understand? I enjoy science and the ability to admit I was wrong.

I'm trying really hard to have a clean head and positive perspective. Just I feel this knot in my chest, this emptiness, this pain that wont go away when I think about all my efforts, all my time spent, all my church study, all my meetings with the bishop, all the guilt, and mental illness. I almost hurt myself the other day. I was going to start cutting again. But I didn't, I've already gone to a mental hospital and I wasn't going to let the church make me go crazy again. I wasn't going to let my wife see what I did and make her hurt. I wasn't going to be a coward. I refuse to start smoking again. I know it's bad. And I refuse to use drinking as a coping mechanism but sometimes it hurts so bad.

None of my friends (who are mostly religious) really understand or care. None of my family members care. Each time I speak to any of my friends who are religious and thought I was too now just speak to me out of pity. No one texted me. No one called me. No one understands that what being atheist means. Like it's okay to say you don't believe in god but don't you dare say atheist. Ugh...

Luckily, I still see a psych but I wouldn't dare tell them I think about suicide sometimes. I can control it, I wont do it, but sometimes I hurt so bad. I really cared about church, I really defended it, I really avoided science to save my faith but now...I'm empty.

I've decided to stay involved as much as I can on all the exmo sites. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone. It makes me feel good to know that though I don't have any exmo friends near by I do have some behind a computer screen. I don't know what I would do without this site and the other forums and atheist forums, it's the only place I don't feel alone. I also decided to get involved in some manga, comics, physics, and music forums too so I can get my mind off the whole exmo thing and strengthen my hobbies so I don't feel so bad for myself.

I feel like a big baby writing all this but it's how I feel and it's places like this that I can know that someone out there understands.

So I guess now I just need patience, lot's of self love, and a lot of perseverance. I know I'll get out, but when? I'm married and almost 21. I'm no where near graduating college, I've really ruined my college career because all of the stuff I've delt with. So I'm just focusing on entrepreneurialism and starting my computer business. I love programing and computers and the physics of the whole thing.

I guess it's time to just put one step in front of the other. Find some other nerdy friends to talk games and manga with. Some geniuses to teach me what they know about physics. And buy a piano.

How I miss the sound of a piano. I've been without on for 4 months. My piano is sometimes my best friend. The way I can practice and practice and never get tire. The way all the notes fall so nicely together to make songs. When I dream, I sometimes dream of playing. I play a song and it is so euphoric, I'm at peace, and nothing bothers me. But for now I just listen to piano solos and when I do I dream and when I dream I am happy.

"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."- Albert Einstein.

"We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special." Steven Hawking
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10-04-2014, 10:45 AM
RE: I Feel Alone
You have us, love. Also maybe take a deep breath and start looking for some new friends. If your friends stop caring about you just because you no longer believe whatever they believe, then they were never really friends in the first place.

Why on earth would you say that you would never tell your doctor that you think about suicide? If there's anyone you should tell, it's your doctor.

Things will look up, love. Hug
We are here for you Heart

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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10-04-2014, 11:08 AM
RE: I Feel Alone
Kinda like a divorce... acquaintances take sides and suddenly stop contacting you.

It takes a while to get used to being single but once you get your first "would you like a coffee sometime?" you realise there is a whole world of ... well ... y'know... out there.

I envy you the feelings of freedom and discovery that are coming your way... the incredible lightness of being.

Savour it when it comes.


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10-04-2014, 11:25 AM
RE: I Feel Alone
I truly feel for you. Take it from a guy who has gone through some of what you are going through now, it gets better. IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!

Hold on tightly to your wife and go out into the great big world like you're doing now. There are so many cool, funny, smart, caring and non judgmental people you have yet to meet.

You are just starting on your journey, what you are going through now will only be a blip in your rear view mirror sooner than you may imagine.

Hold on to life by the throat, you get one shot at it, savor it, even the painful parts.

Come here as often as you like, we may be crude but we are caring and say whatever the fuck you want, we are without equal when we vent and rant!

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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10-04-2014, 11:26 AM
RE: I Feel Alone
I know the feeling; you're not alone. You have forums full of people here who understand what you're going through. If you need to get something off your chest, feel free to share. I know many, if not all of us, are available for private messaging if you'd rather do that.

Other than that, just hold in there, like you said: one foot in front of the other. It will pass, just like everything else. When separated from the church I kept 2 friends which were sisters (three technically, but the third later left and only then did she contact me again), and I came from a pretty big church where I knew most everyone.

This is all normal, and this will all pass with time. I would also suggest talking with your wife as well. She may be able to help, but at least it'll keep her informed of your situation.

Atir aissom atir imon
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10-04-2014, 11:27 AM
RE: I Feel Alone
It sounds like what you are dealing with is pretty much bullying. The people around you seem to think that shunning you will eventually bring you back when all they are really doing is pushing you away. Certainly not very Christian behavior.

Time for a fresh start, do new things or old things you haven't done in a while. Read, think, relax, breathe, get to know yourself...the you that wasn't formed and shaped by religion.

I am sorry that you are hurting...it's a loss in your life of people you cared about and thought cared for you. There will be grieving, and then letting go, and moving on.

Come here and rant and scream and cry and laugh with us.

Heart And welcome.

See here they are, the bruises, some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. -JF
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10-04-2014, 01:27 PM (This post was last modified: 10-04-2014 03:49 PM by Metazoa Zeke.)
RE: I Feel Alone
Not appropriate for this section.

Sorry for the inappropriate comment, but I am here for you though

[Image: Guilmon-41189.gif] https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOW_Ioi2wtuPa88FvBmnBgQ my youtube
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10-04-2014, 07:04 PM
RE: I Feel Alone
Aw, darlin' Hug that is really terrible shit to go through. I'm really happy your wife loves you enough to stick with you though loosing all the people you've come to cherish and trust is really hard. Yeah, I'm sure for a while they'll assume you'll return one day. Maybe it's hope you will if they really are afraid for you. Then again, if they care enough to be afraid for you, I would think they'd care enough to not accuse you of witchcraft or at least try to talk to you in a positive way. People Facepalm

I can understand why you feel like you're whining here and are afraid to tell your psychologist about your occasional suicidal thoughts. What you feel inside is scary enough but it's even scarier to express it to someone and risk them not caring. I know that's why I usually stay quiet in life. Well, I sure hope that your psychologist cares and if he doesn't then he needs to pick a new field! We certainly care though. Sure most of us don't have PHDs in that area but we do the best we can for each other and certainly will give the best we got for you, kid.

All that emptiness and depression has its toll on a person. I'd say find something. Go back to college. Get piano lessons (or just play it or whatever). Learn to draw pretty fishes. Go hiking with your lovely wife. Something that keeps you going in life and will occupy your time in a positive way. Certainly, until you find more nonmo friends in real life, make friendships online like here or a website that deals more with manga/music/whatever your heart desires (I'm sure there's a forum for everything under the sun). And actually, you might look for an ex-mormon forum. I haven't joined one but it might help you. Overall, find something that keeps you going and motivated to believe that your life will get better. Keep your chin up and I'm sure it will, darlin'.

Since I use music as a pick-me-up, I'll leave you with two songs among my favorites. First one makes me cry. Second one reminds me to keep doing what I gotta do in life.

[Image: notagain.gif]
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11-04-2014, 06:16 AM
RE: I Feel Alone
I feel for you. Those are the reasons I have not come out the closet, even to my wife. I hear it gets better over time. Best of luck to you.

I am also a musician and understands how playing music can calm and sooth. No need to buy a piano. You are in college, they have a music department. Sign up for a piano class and you will have access to a piano. I did when I was in college, even tho I was an engineering major. I also took double bass lessons in college. Electric pianos are a good, less expensive with headphones alternative. That is what I have now.
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08-05-2014, 09:34 PM
RE: I Feel Alone
Im going through this right now actually... it is so hard I feel very isolated. What im trying to do is learn something new everyday. I actually read science textbooks so I can understand evolution and where we came from! We are here for you!
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