I am a mother but ...
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09-08-2012, 04:53 PM
Sad I am a mother but ...
I am a mother but I have no child!

Yep, that is how I feel.
I like caring for people, especially for those I like.
Never ever would I turn down friends if they need me.
And I would not turn down family either.

So it is not just like me having my mother coming to me for advice instead of the other way around.
My brother comes for advice as well.
I have friends coming for advice as well.

Most of the time, if they follow the advice, things turn out good and they come again, instead of thinking for themselves.
I am a good listener, maybe that is my curse?
Not sure.
I don't want to sound cold or something, but as much as I would like to help everyone who asks me things or reaches out to me, sometimes it feels quite overwhelming, especially at times when everyone comes at the same time. I also want to be the person who picks who I want to help. I have very good friends that I would love to be able to spend more time and energy on.
There is one of those even here on this forum *yes you!*
There is one in the US
There is one sitting in the chair oposite me
There is one living about 1km away from me

I just feel overwhelmed right now and like the mother of everyone... kinda... Because these people are mostly coming to me with things you'd normally ask your mother. My brother asks me things he should be asking my mother. But my mother gives crappy advice as she is simply not a good adviser. So she actually also comes to me with questions she should ask her mother... And again...
Actually these two are the most consuming people I know. My brother and my mother.
I am tired today... don't mind be babbling, I guess... I just feel that way more and more often...

I so much wish I had a mother figure...
My mother has never been one, she is a friend as I turned out elsewhere on this forum. So all I had, growing up, was a friend who happened to have given birth to me. I really sometimes feel like I want to go to a mommy and ask something or get a very mommy-hug or be spoiled for an afternoon.... Not sure that I will ever get that, as I am the one doing that for others.... Rarely on the receiving end for the mommy things.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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09-08-2012, 05:26 PM
RE: I am a mother but ...
Leela, you are welcome to ask me anything. I am a mum to a 20 something year old and have a fair bit of experience in many areas.
I know how this can feel as my mum died when I was 10 and there were no other female role models in my life so I basically had to work it out by myself. Having said that, it has given me a 'nothing can beat me' type of attitude so it's worked out pretty good Smile
Unfortunately I can't be there physically but it's better than nothing.
So if you want to...

...and there's others on this forum who are also awesome advice givers (you probably know who they are Wink )

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09-08-2012, 06:29 PM
RE: I am a mother but ...
(09-08-2012 04:53 PM)Leela Wrote:  I am a mother but I have no child!

Yep, that is how I feel.
I like caring for people, especially for those I like.
Never ever would I turn down friends if they need me.
And I would not turn down family either.

So it is not just like me having my mother coming to me for advice instead of the other way around.
My brother comes for advice as well.
I have friends coming for advice as well.

Most of the time, if they follow the advice, things turn out good and they come again, instead of thinking for themselves.
I am a good listener, maybe that is my curse?
Not sure.
I don't want to sound cold or something, but as much as I would like to help everyone who asks me things or reaches out to me, sometimes it feels quite overwhelming, especially at times when everyone comes at the same time. I also want to be the person who picks who I want to help. I have very good friends that I would love to be able to spend more time and energy on.
There is one of those even here on this forum *yes you!*
There is one in the US
There is one sitting in the chair oposite me
There is one living about 1km away from me

I just feel overwhelmed right now and like the mother of everyone... kinda... Because these people are mostly coming to me with things you'd normally ask your mother. My brother asks me things he should be asking my mother. But my mother gives crappy advice as she is simply not a good adviser. So she actually also comes to me with questions she should ask her mother... And again...
Actually these two are the most consuming people I know. My brother and my mother.
I am tired today... don't mind be babbling, I guess... I just feel that way more and more often...

I so much wish I had a mother figure...
My mother has never been one, she is a friend as I turned out elsewhere on this forum. So all I had, growing up, was a friend who happened to have given birth to me. I really sometimes feel like I want to go to a mommy and ask something or get a very mommy-hug or be spoiled for an afternoon.... Not sure that I will ever get that, as I am the one doing that for others.... Rarely on the receiving end for the mommy things.

I believe it is good to try to help people, but you need to beware of professional emotive basket cases. There are some out there who seem to thrive on their misery and simply use others as scape goats.

Also sometimes we can confuse care with interference and the latter can be a multi edged unproductive sword.Consider
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09-08-2012, 08:06 PM
I am a mother but ...
Can you bake me some cookies please???

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
~Izel
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09-08-2012, 08:16 PM
RE: I am a mother but ...
(09-08-2012 04:53 PM)Leela Wrote:  I just feel overwhelmed right now and like the mother of everyone... kinda... Because these people are mostly coming to me with things you'd normally ask your mother.

Leela, I think you need to learn how to say "no" and feel OK about it. I don't think it's healthy for you to think of yourself in the mother role. Your brother and mother are not your children. They are adults and can't be allowed to drain you. You've got to set some boundaries and stick with them.

What makes it so hard for you to say no?
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09-08-2012, 08:49 PM
RE: I am a mother but ...
Have you ever had staff members / dependants who feel they need to come to you for every decision?

A useful technique to encourage independence is to ask "What do you think is the best / right thing to do?" If they have an answer (and it's a sensible answer) you say "ok, do it" and walk away. If they say "I don't know", you ask what information they need to help make the decision and you can point to resources (like you would if someone asked you a question on this site)
Or another good response is "what advice would you give if someone else asked you that question?"

Sorry to give a practical response rather than an empathetic one, but I'm a guy!

I'm suggesting that you be a guy too. The father-role is less emotionally draining i.e. Here is the advice; take it or leave it.
The mother-role requires more emotional energy. It seems like you are being relied upon for warm hugs.

So, next time, give cold dispassionate advice rather than the loving, caring, female nonsense.

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10-08-2012, 01:18 AM
RE: I am a mother but ...
thanks for all the answers

aurora, that is such a nice reply. I might come to you for warm mommy-hugs online, soon. I am 20 something years old as well heh

Mr.Woof, I don't think I interfere. First of all, I am not reaching out to people and tell them how to do stuff better. And second, when being asked, most of the time I just give hints like "well what does your conscience tell you in this situation?"

Erxomai, sure, and as you are on a different continent, I will also eat the cookies Tongue

Jeff, hit the nail on the head. I don't know why it's difficult to say no or show boarders that may not be stepped on. Might be my weird upbringing...

DLJ, Actually I use this kind of approach a lot. But it is mostly ignored. For example my brother yesterday asked me for moral advice. And he said "I just don't know if this is the right thing to do" And my reply was "Sure you do, otherwise you would not be asking me this" Sounds illogical but what he basically wanted, was an 'ok, do it' from me, and I would not give that to him. He has a brain of his own. But at that point he was not stopping, I told him that I am really tired but he just kept going...

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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10-08-2012, 01:23 AM
RE: I am a mother but ...
(10-08-2012 01:18 AM)Leela Wrote:  thanks for all the answers

aurora, that is such a nice reply. I might come to you for warm mommy-hugs online, soon. I am 20 something years old as well heh

Mr.Woof, I don't think I interfere. First of all, I am not reaching out to people and tell them how to do stuff better. And second, when being asked, most of the time I just give hints like "well what does your conscience tell you in this situation?"

Erxomai, sure, and as you are on a different continent, I will also eat the cookies Tongue

Jeff, hit the nail on the head. I don't know why it's difficult to say no or show boarders that may not be stepped on. Might be my weird upbringing...

DLJ, Actually I use this kind of approach a lot. But it is mostly ignored. For example my brother yesterday asked me for moral advice. And he said "I just don't know if this is the right thing to do" And my reply was "Sure you do, otherwise you would not be asking me this" Sounds illogical but what he basically wanted, was an 'ok, do it' from me, and I would not give that to him. He has a brain of his own. But at that point he was not stopping, I told him that I am really tired but he just kept going...

Make sure they're baked with chocolate chips and lots of love. HeartHeartHeart

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
~Izel
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10-08-2012, 01:36 AM
RE: I am a mother but ...
You just reminded me how I am always willing to help and if people listen to my advices, they always prosper from them. But I have a problem here. I can give great advices, specially if I know the person and it's background, but I can never get my life in order. I do know what I'm doing wrong, but for the love of God I can't pinpoint the core of the problem and solve it. If it's about anyone else, no problems. See right through them and set them straight.

Lately I just let things happen. The less I try to intervene, the better things come out. Kinda like karma. Or good luck. Or praying, except this works. Smile

I guess it all has to do with some causality, so the less I interact, the less shit interacts with me. Meh.

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I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
-Hunter S. Thompson
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10-08-2012, 01:37 AM
RE: I am a mother but ...
Don't be a doormat! (I've had to learn this, too. That has always been my role in family and friendships, probably why I chose the career path I did when I was younger.)

Make sure your help is recognized in a healthy way, and create boundaries. Say no, only answer the phone at certain times (so don't always be available for needy people, give them time to develop their own problem solving skills- that's helpful too!) and take days or weeks off.

In school the first thing my graduate class learned was that you MUST do self care to prevent burn out. So whatever helps you get that mental space and wellness. You can't help anyone if you are a mess yourself.

Also, source out. If someone's one problem is too much for you, give them numbers or people who can also help to share the work load. This is helpful for everyone involved.

Finally, recognize when someone actually wants help or they want attention. If it's always the same problem and they haven't taken your advice to help solve it or work at it, likely it is attention (unless it truly is an ongoing crisis, like addictions or mental health- then they need a support system and not just you, so again, outsource).

I think we all have times where others get overwhelming, I certainly have! It's all about the balance Smile
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