I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
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16-07-2014, 06:50 PM (This post was last modified: 16-07-2014 06:53 PM by DLJ.)
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
The tribe has been having it all too easy.

They need a common cause ... unity through adversity.

Something like, I dunno... homelessness?

If not, you will withdraw further (withdrawal is your display of anger, btw).

Later, your wife will start complaining that you are not given her enough attention and affection.

Any attempts to explain that it's her behaviour that is causing your behaviour will be met with accusations that you are not trying hard enough and not 'leading the team'.

The next thing to look out for... she will start a rigorous exercise regime.
She is preparing for an affair.

After her failed affair, she will want to patch things up and maybe you'll make plans to start over in a different country.

She will get cold feet at the last second and you will be forced to go alone (because you have a new job there).

After your divorce, it will take a while to 'learn to dance again' but soon you will be inundated with more pussy than you can shake many sticks at.

The good news is that the rest of the tribe will unite against a common enemy... YOU!

Here endeth the cautionary tale.

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16-07-2014, 07:02 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 06:50 PM)DLJ Wrote:  Here endeth the cautionary tale.

I am not sure whether to respond with "There but for the grace of God go I." or "There by the grace of God go I." ... So confused. Hobo

#sigh
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16-07-2014, 07:27 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 12:45 PM)wazzel Wrote:  
(16-07-2014 12:40 PM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  Do you have teenagers? It might just be something you'll have to ride out sadly. Sad

I am sorry however that you're having to deal with this. Its rough when people are struggling to get along, especially when its people you care for.

Basically all three of my kids. The girls are 15 and 14. My son is 11. My wife acts like a teen most of the time to boot.

Some nights I just sit there and watch them going WTF. They fight over the littlest of things.

"My wife acts like a teen most of the time to boot."

I'm afraid that's your clue. If she's not modeling maturity to/for them, all they're doing is learning their behavior from her. My mom has an older friend who does this with her grand-kids. It's amazing how childish she acts. The kids are more mature than she is sometimes. Sounds like it's time to seriously sit 'em all down for a family meeting, and set some ground rules. Start with an hour. "From 7-8 if you argue or fight, bla bla bla will be the consequence. This is totally out of control, and I'm done." (Or something to that effect), Start with 1 hour, or 1/2 hour, and the next week, increase to 2. Make sure they know there will be consequences for any infractions.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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16-07-2014, 07:30 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
I know it sounds really cheesy, but..... http://www.skillpath.com/index.cfm/train...upervisors

Make your family start doing team building exercises. If you can get away with it, make everyone participate even if they don't want to.

Cheesy and a little awkward to begin with but I've seen people do this and have it help (I've also seen people to this like this and it didn't help at all but I still think it's worth the try)

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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16-07-2014, 07:37 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
I'd maybe start with talking to your wife alone first. You guys have to approach the situation as a team or it will fail.
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16-07-2014, 07:49 PM (This post was last modified: 16-07-2014 07:53 PM by kim.)
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
You are striving for tranquility in your home. Make it begin with you... instigate the "family vacation". By this I mean, make your family take a vacation from each other.

Deal with them one on one - only. Force them to be apart when you are with them and try not to do stuff "as a family". "Family" is over until everyone stops treating family like crap. Call it a summer family vacation from each other. Of course, there's not much summer left but it can progress until Halloween, if necessary.

Sooner or later, they'll figure out what they need from, and how to associate with, "family"... and by the time they do, you'll have your sanity back and be able to deal with them in a "together" situation.

The older ones just want to be independent anyway. Lay down ground rules for them, make a written contract that they won't drive intoxicated, won't get thrown into jail for whatever reason, and they'll need to ask you to use a family vehicle and might be a good time to discuss a summer job as well as safe sex. Hey, they're the ones who want to be adults, they need to be able to discuss sex as adults.

They want to be independent - let them get a taste of adulthood, now. They will appreciate the tranquility of home once they take on some responsibility. No pressure but do make them sign a contract and discuss the consequences of breaking such a contract or making mistakes that may effect the contract. Otherwise, let them run like banshees for the summer so they can buckle down when school begins.

The youngest might difficult because he's just beginning to make the transition to teen world. Stick with him as much as possible. He will need to know that the older siblings will be leaving home before he's in high school so, he'll need to start figuring out some summer stuff without them. I might suggest guitar lessons as a "just in case" - especially if he goes the nerd route. This way he can be his (possibly) shy self and still become fairly confident with the girls; music is the great equalizer.

Your wife... I don't know... I got nothing there. Perhaps DLJ's cautionary tale carries weight.
I recently saw a film about an art appraiser/auctioneer/bachelor who inquired of a friend what it was like to be married and live so closely with a woman. He said it was somewhat like an auction in that, he always wondered if she was going to get a better offer. I suppose she must have kept him on his toes. Wink

Could be, your wife has quite a lot of anxiety about her teen daughters stepping out into the big, crazy world. The summer "vacation" might ease everyone into becoming familiar with inevitable changes. And it can add tranquility to your home life.

Good luck! Thumbsup

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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16-07-2014, 08:54 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 06:50 PM)DLJ Wrote:  The tribe has been having it all too easy.

They need a common cause ... unity through adversity.

Something like, I dunno... homelessness?

If not, you will withdraw further (withdrawal is your display of anger, btw).

Later, your wife will start complaining that you are not given her enough attention and affection.

Any attempts to explain that it's her behaviour that is causing your behaviour will be met with accusations that you are not trying hard enough and not 'leading the team'.

The next thing to look out for... she will start a rigorous exercise regime.
She is preparing for an affair.

After her failed affair, she will want to patch things up and maybe you'll make plans to start over in a different country.

She will get cold feet at the last second and you will be forced to go alone (because you have a new job there).

After your divorce, it will take a while to 'learn to dance again' but soon you will be inundated with more pussy than you can shake many sticks at.

The good news is that the rest of the tribe will unite against a common enemy... YOU!

Here endeth the cautionary tale.
You are a funny guy. My wife is to lazy to exercise. She is loosing lots of weight right now on one of those supervised diet programs. We have already been through the previous steps. I know with drawing is my anger reaction. I have know that for a long time.
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16-07-2014, 08:56 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 04:20 PM)LadyJane Wrote:  Family counselling all together. Sounds like a communication break down between everyone. Yelling, bickering and one-way venting are not productive as a whole. From your OP blurb it sounds like some skills are needed.

If formal counselling isn't your thing, I'd be researching communication within family dynamic and sharing articles and things. Sometimes people just aren't aware how negative they are and it can spiral or pass on to others. Good for you for not engaging and wondering how to stop it.
Not sure about the consoling. We tried couples counseling a whole back and it flopped. Wife decided we were not going to go any more.
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16-07-2014, 08:58 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 07:37 PM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  I'd maybe start with talking to your wife alone first. You guys have to approach the situation as a team or it will fail.

Then we are doomed. Wife is not much of a team player. We have had those issues for a while. She is not someone that I can trust to watch my back.
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16-07-2014, 09:01 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 07:27 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  
(16-07-2014 12:45 PM)wazzel Wrote:  Basically all three of my kids. The girls are 15 and 14. My son is 11. My wife acts like a teen most of the time to boot.

Some nights I just sit there and watch them going WTF. They fight over the littlest of things.

"My wife acts like a teen most of the time to boot."

I'm afraid that's your clue. If she's not modeling maturity to/for them, all they're doing is learning their behavior from her. My mom has an older friend who does this with her grand-kids. It's amazing how childish she acts. The kids are more mature than she is sometimes. Sounds like it's time to seriously sit 'em all down for a family meeting, and set some ground rules. Start with an hour. "From 7-8 if you argue or fight, bla bla bla will be the consequence. This is totally out of control, and I'm done." (Or something to that effect), Start with 1 hour, or 1/2 hour, and the next week, increase to 2. Make sure they know there will be consequences for any infractions.

No she is not. She bickers and complains and etc as much, if not more than the kids. With out the wife backing me up giving consequences that apply only when I am around do not do much good.
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