I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
16-07-2014, 09:03 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 07:49 PM)kim Wrote:  You are striving for tranquility in your home. Make it begin with you... instigate the "family vacation". By this I mean, make your family take a vacation from each other.

Deal with them one on one - only. Force them to be apart when you are with them and try not to do stuff "as a family". "Family" is over until everyone stops treating family like crap. Call it a summer family vacation from each other. Of course, there's not much summer left but it can progress until Halloween, if necessary.

Sooner or later, they'll figure out what they need from, and how to associate with, "family"... and by the time they do, you'll have your sanity back and be able to deal with them in a "together" situation.

The older ones just want to be independent anyway. Lay down ground rules for them, make a written contract that they won't drive intoxicated, won't get thrown into jail for whatever reason, and they'll need to ask you to use a family vehicle and might be a good time to discuss a summer job as well as safe sex. Hey, they're the ones who want to be adults, they need to be able to discuss sex as adults.

They want to be independent - let them get a taste of adulthood, now. They will appreciate the tranquility of home once they take on some responsibility. No pressure but do make them sign a contract and discuss the consequences of breaking such a contract or making mistakes that may effect the contract. Otherwise, let them run like banshees for the summer so they can buckle down when school begins.

The youngest might difficult because he's just beginning to make the transition to teen world. Stick with him as much as possible. He will need to know that the older siblings will be leaving home before he's in high school so, he'll need to start figuring out some summer stuff without them. I might suggest guitar lessons as a "just in case" - especially if he goes the nerd route. This way he can be his (possibly) shy self and still become fairly confident with the girls; music is the great equalizer.

Your wife... I don't know... I got nothing there. Perhaps DLJ's cautionary tale carries weight.
I recently saw a film about an art appraiser/auctioneer/bachelor who inquired of a friend what it was like to be married and live so closely with a woman. He said it was somewhat like an auction in that, he always wondered if she was going to get a better offer. I suppose she must have kept him on his toes. Wink

Could be, your wife has quite a lot of anxiety about her teen daughters stepping out into the big, crazy world. The summer "vacation" might ease everyone into becoming familiar with inevitable changes. And it can add tranquility to your home life.

Good luck! Thumbsup

Thanks for the thoughts. I am going to digest this post.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
16-07-2014, 09:18 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
I don't know what to say except to give hugs and support. Hug

I too tend to withdraw when there is conflict about. It's a visceral reaction. I can't stand the feeling that it gives me when there is discord, and my (unfortunate) reaction is to just make it stop however I am able, as fast as I am able.

That often means that I am prone to giving in on something that I believe I should stick up for, just to make that awful feeling go away. Or that I am prone to simply walking away and leaving the situation.

It takes A LOT of work to push past the discomfort that comes with conflict and make myself deal with it. It isn't easy. And I doubt it will be for you, either. But hopefully with time it will become more natural.

Anyway, that may not be of much help, but I do think it is good to push ourselves out of our comfort zones and learn new skills. Burying one's head in the sand each time a conflict comes up may bring peace in the short-term but it is not (imo) good for the long haul.

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
16-07-2014, 10:53 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 12:45 PM)wazzel Wrote:  
(16-07-2014 12:40 PM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  Do you have teenagers? It might just be something you'll have to ride out sadly. Sad

I am sorry however that you're having to deal with this. Its rough when people are struggling to get along, especially when its people you care for.

Basically all three of my kids. The girls are 15 and 14. My son is 11. My wife acts like a teen most of the time to boot.

Some nights I just sit there and watch them going WTF. They fight over the littlest of things.

Ah, say no more. Two teenagers and one soon to be teenager. Welcome to the teen years. It's hell, I tell you.....complete hell.

I forget who said this but there's a quote about teenagers. "Bury them at 12 and dig them up at 20".

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes dancefortwo's post
16-07-2014, 11:23 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 06:50 PM)DLJ Wrote:  The tribe has been having it all too easy.

They need a common cause ... unity through adversity.

Something like, I dunno... homelessness?

If not, you will withdraw further (withdrawal is your display of anger, btw).

Later, your wife will start complaining that you are not given her enough attention and affection.

Any attempts to explain that it's her behaviour that is causing your behaviour will be met with accusations that you are not trying hard enough and not 'leading the team'.

The next thing to look out for... she will start a rigorous exercise regime.
She is preparing for an affair.

After her failed affair, she will want to patch things up and maybe you'll make plans to start over in a different country.

She will get cold feet at the last second and you will be forced to go alone (because you have a new job there).

After your divorce, it will take a while to 'learn to dance again' but soon you will be inundated with more pussy than you can shake many sticks at.

The good news is that the rest of the tribe will unite against a common enemy... YOU!

Here endeth the cautionary tale.


Dude....
Really?

That was harsh.

LOL

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes WitchSabrina's post
16-07-2014, 11:36 PM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 11:23 PM)WitchSabrina Wrote:  ...
That was harsh.

LOL

It wasn't meant to be.

I was meant to be pathos.

Blush

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
17-07-2014, 06:10 AM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 09:18 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  I don't know what to say except to give hugs and support. Hug

I too tend to withdraw when there is conflict about. It's a visceral reaction. I can't stand the feeling that it gives me when there is discord, and my (unfortunate) reaction is to just make it stop however I am able, as fast as I am able.

That often means that I am prone to giving in on something that I believe I should stick up for, just to make that awful feeling go away. Or that I am prone to simply walking away and leaving the situation.

It takes A LOT of work to push past the discomfort that comes with conflict and make myself deal with it. It isn't easy. And I doubt it will be for you, either. But hopefully with time it will become more natural.

Anyway, that may not be of much help, but I do think it is good to push ourselves out of our comfort zones and learn new skills. Burying one's head in the sand each time a conflict comes up may bring peace in the short-term but it is not (imo) good for the long haul.

I had been good an not walking away, even tho that is waht I always want to do. Lately I have just gotten tired of what feels like continueously breaking up spats between the member so of the rest of my family. It was often like breaking up a dog fight, usually I was able to get them apart, but I always got bit in the process.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
17-07-2014, 06:12 AM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 10:53 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  
(16-07-2014 12:45 PM)wazzel Wrote:  Basically all three of my kids. The girls are 15 and 14. My son is 11. My wife acts like a teen most of the time to boot.

Some nights I just sit there and watch them going WTF. They fight over the littlest of things.

Ah, say no more. Two teenagers and one soon to be teenager. Welcome to the teen years. It's hell, I tell you.....complete hell.

I forget who said this but there's a quote about teenagers. "Bury them at 12 and dig them up at 20".

I have very few issues with my kids when my wife is not around. They are good kids for the most part, but she keeps everyone in the house so tense the stress gets to the kids.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
17-07-2014, 06:26 AM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(16-07-2014 12:59 PM)wazzel Wrote:  In addition I have a saltwater reef tank that I tinker with. It is also a quiet (not noise level quiet since it is in our family room) place for me. I have a stool next to the tank so I can sit watch the fish and corals to chill out.

I have a 65 gallon freshwater tank, and yes, it sure is relaxing.

So it sounds like your wife is the issue, not the teens? I think Kim is on to something - if you are going to parent and avoid the daughters to become like mom you'll need to do something.

One way or another, it sounds like you need to take charge.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
17-07-2014, 06:41 AM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(17-07-2014 06:12 AM)wazzel Wrote:  ...
I have very few issues with my kids when my wife is not around. They are good kids for the most part, but she keeps everyone in the house so tense the stress gets to the kids.

OK, this is getting weird!

I am seriously beginning to think that you might have married my ex!

I hope you don't mind me asking but does / did your wife have a very strong bond with her father and a very tense relationship with her mother?

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes DLJ's post
17-07-2014, 06:44 AM
RE: I am going to sound like a bad father and spouce
(17-07-2014 06:26 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(16-07-2014 12:59 PM)wazzel Wrote:  In addition I have a saltwater reef tank that I tinker with. It is also a quiet (not noise level quiet since it is in our family room) place for me. I have a stool next to the tank so I can sit watch the fish and corals to chill out.

I have a 65 gallon freshwater tank, and yes, it sure is relaxing.

So it sounds like your wife is the issue, not the teens? I think Kim is on to something - if you are going to parent and avoid the daughters to become like mom you'll need to do something.

One way or another, it sounds like you need to take charge.

When I take charge things get worse not better. Wife will fight me every step of the way. Initally she sits and agrees with me, but never follows through or backs me up. Could be money, kids, etc, etc

A real simple example is what we would fix for dinner. Wife wanted to a plan for the week to shop and what ever, but did not want to plan it out. So I would plan out the meals for the week. When it came time to fix she would cook what ever she felt like. So after a few weeks I told her I was not going to bother planning the meals for the week if she was going to not work with the system she wanted. I am not a control freak, I just do not like wasting my time. When I was planning for the week I would give the entire family a chance to pick a meal or meals and on what day they wanted. After they were done I would go behind and fill in the blanks. We have gone through this several times in our marriage and it always ends the same.

Same goes for setting a budget or anything else that requires my wife to follow a plan.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: