I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
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27-04-2017, 06:01 PM
I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
Just to get this out of the way.. I do not plan on killing myself.. I don't want to traumatize my siblings.. They are too young to deal with my death..

I'm just depressed, tired of living in constant chronic pain.. I had a full spinal fusion surgery in July of 2016.. During the surgery they not only operated on my entire spine, but moved my shoulder blades and my rib cage off of my hip(due to my scoliosis the curve caused my left side of my rib cage to rest on my hip.) This has caused me a lot of pain, and decreased the amount of stamina I have greatly. Because of this I can no longer attend my public high school and rarely ever leave my house unless I have appointments.

I've been in and out of the hospital my entire life because of all of my health issues, with the way things look right now, I'll never be able to really get out and work, and never be able to drive.

I just sit here and wonder, why the hell am I here if I can't go out and do something, I don't want to spend all my time alone at home with my parents.. I want to be independent and out on my own doing something. And, just when I was close to gaining that, when I was getting out a lot and having fun with my friends, even excelling in my schooling, this had to happen. I had to have a major surgery or I could have died.

I had very little time to process any of this before preparing for my surgery, it took up the majority of my summer, when previously I had been playing to hang out with friends and my now ex-boyfriend.

Now all I do is sit around my house and try my best to finish out my senior year of high school by homeschooling myself in all of my classes, in between daily chores. I often sit down at my desk and wonder what the point is in finishing out high school, and preparing for college, if I can never work, and never leave my parent's home. What do I really have to give to others? I want to work, I want to be go out and help others. I'm not content being like this, but I get so exhausted after being out and about for even a few hours that I find that this is the most real enjoyment I get, being stuck in my home, because it doesn't utterly exhaust me.

I've developed insomnia along side my chronic pain, the fatigue of that also increases my depression, I just feel like I've been stuck in a horrid cycle that never ends. I don't want to live like this anymore, but it seems I haven't any other choice, and I just wish I could deal with it without being depressed. I want to be happy again..

This is probably just a stupid, confusing mess of my nonsensical rambling, but if you took the time to read this, thank you. It is greatly appreciated.

It's alright to laugh at me, I've been laughing at myself for years.
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27-04-2017, 06:15 PM (This post was last modified: 27-04-2017 06:19 PM by Thoreauvian.)
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
(27-04-2017 06:01 PM)ScarletStormBreaker Wrote:  I often sit down at my desk and wonder what the point is in finishing out high school, and preparing for college, if I can never work, and never leave my parent's home. What do I really have to give to others?

You should continue to learn for its own sake, and to answer your own question of how you could contribute to others. It will be difficult, but there's likely something you can do -- especially with the internet.

Stephen Hawking found a way to be useful, even with his disabilities.

As a recent retiree, I often feel like I am no longer particularly useful anymore. I'm still trying to figure out what else I can do from home, since I'm not a people person. Contributing to this forum is one answer.

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27-04-2017, 06:28 PM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
(27-04-2017 06:01 PM)ScarletStormBreaker Wrote:  What do I really have to give to others?

Idk if this helps but after all the conversations we have had I can say for sure that something you can give to others and probably the best thing you can give to others is yourself. You are very kind and funny and just an absolute joy to chat with. Talking to you is always something I have looked forward to. You are a good person and we are so lucky to have you here.

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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27-04-2017, 06:46 PM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
(27-04-2017 06:01 PM)ScarletStormBreaker Wrote:  Just to get this out of the way.. I do not plan on killing myself...

Good. Don't make me break out my motivational memes. Tongue

The surgery you describe sounds hardcore! When I first read your post I thought you said that your shoulder blade was on your hip!

First, talk to medical professionals about your depression. Constant pain, major surgery, long convalescence, all of these can cause depression. With all of those together, I'd be shocked if you didn't have depression.

Talk to your parents, talk to your doctors and talk to mental health experts.

Okay, now the future. The doctors give you their estimate on your future. No one, not you, not the doctors, not parents, no one knows what you will be capable of doing. Your condition may get worse, it may stay the same, but it may also get better. Do not give up! Especially considering the constant advances in the medical field.

So you sound motivated. You're homeschooling yourself (cyber-school?) and doing daily chores. You want to finish school and go to college. You want to do things, to have friends, have fun and be independent.

Use that desire to keep motivated and to stay focused on your future. As your body heals you mobility and capabilities may improve. Finishing high school is not optional. If nothing else, you must do that.

I'm guessing that your stamina will improve. Ask your doctors if there are exercises and therapy that you can do. Doing this will also help reduce depression.

You ARE stuck in a cycle. That is why it is so important to talk to your medical professionals and family. You must get the help you need to break the cycle.

(Keeping a journal or your progress might help, so you can see how far you've progressed.)

For now though, you have to live with it. You dig in, you endure, and you keep going, one day at a time, until things get better.

(There are posters here who deal with a variety of depression and physical difficulties. I'm sure you're going to get tons of support!)

Help for the living. Hope for the dead. ~ R.G. Ingersoll

Freedom offers opportunity. Opportunity confers responsibility. Responsibility to use the freedom we enjoy wisely, honestly and humanely. ~ Noam Chomsky
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27-04-2017, 11:38 PM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I can certainly relate, although you have it even worse than me.

I've had Chron's disease since my teens, and then got M.E. 11 years ago. Like you, the latter makes me extremely tired and I spend most of my time in bed. I can't do a lot without becoming exhausted. It's led to extreme depression, which I'm already genetically vulnerable to, making my life miserable and leaving me feeling suicidal. It's only the support of others that have got me through.

If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to send me a private message, or we can chat on Facebook Messenger if you use it. I understand how soul destroying depression is, and although it's not constant like you, I've felt it with the combination of agonizing pain at times.

I wish there was an easy answer, but I can't pretend that there is. All I can say is try not to isolate yourself, and talk to as many people as you can, even if it's just online. I would bet you have more to offer than you realize. We never know what will happen, and what pleasant surprises the future may hold. Things won't always be exactly the same, as much as it feels that way at times.

Have you seen anyone about your depression? Therapy and medication have been crucial in my ability to cope.

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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28-04-2017, 02:41 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
I can empathize with the feeling, especially the suicidal end of thinks, going through chronic depression and having anxiety issues.

On a more positive note: Learning doesn't have to be done from school/college. Many places/online services provide "learn at home degree's" which they will mail you, along with the basic material needed. Some starter courses are even free and are widely accepted in the workplace, so it's worth looking into. Going on from there, depending on your interests, you can do all sorts of things from home: Write/draw/develop some sort of blog or website, the options are very wide, just pick a project and have at it. Again, pending your interests or desire to help others, you can even host something at your house, have people come to you. Perhaps a neighborhood "coffee morning" or something like that.

A lot of times you are just trying to find motivation to do things, sometimes anything at all, which can be hard but picking something to focus your time and energy on sometimes helps a lot. The other end of the spectrum is also trying to get into the doctors again and seeing if anything can be done about medical issues, even if just to alleviate some pain.

Hopefully this helps a touch, and like others have said feel free to email/PM if you'd like to talk Smile

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01-05-2017, 05:12 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
(27-04-2017 06:01 PM)ScarletStormBreaker Wrote:  Just to get this out of the way.. I do not plan on killing myself.. I don't want to traumatize my siblings.. They are too young to deal with my death..

I'm just depressed, tired of living in constant chronic pain.. I had a full spinal fusion surgery in July of 2016.. During the surgery they not only operated on my entire spine, but moved my shoulder blades and my rib cage off of my hip(due to my scoliosis the curve caused my left side of my rib cage to rest on my hip.) This has caused me a lot of pain, and decreased the amount of stamina I have greatly. Because of this I can no longer attend my public high school and rarely ever leave my house unless I have appointments.

I've been in and out of the hospital my entire life because of all of my health issues, with the way things look right now, I'll never be able to really get out and work, and never be able to drive.

I just sit here and wonder, why the hell am I here if I can't go out and do something, I don't want to spend all my time alone at home with my parents.. I want to be independent and out on my own doing something. And, just when I was close to gaining that, when I was getting out a lot and having fun with my friends, even excelling in my schooling, this had to happen. I had to have a major surgery or I could have died.

I had very little time to process any of this before preparing for my surgery, it took up the majority of my summer, when previously I had been playing to hang out with friends and my now ex-boyfriend.

Now all I do is sit around my house and try my best to finish out my senior year of high school by homeschooling myself in all of my classes, in between daily chores. I often sit down at my desk and wonder what the point is in finishing out high school, and preparing for college, if I can never work, and never leave my parent's home. What do I really have to give to others? I want to work, I want to be go out and help others. I'm not content being like this, but I get so exhausted after being out and about for even a few hours that I find that this is the most real enjoyment I get, being stuck in my home, because it doesn't utterly exhaust me.

I've developed insomnia along side my chronic pain, the fatigue of that also increases my depression, I just feel like I've been stuck in a horrid cycle that never ends. I don't want to live like this anymore, but it seems I haven't any other choice, and I just wish I could deal with it without being depressed. I want to be happy again..

This is probably just a stupid, confusing mess of my nonsensical rambling, but if you took the time to read this, thank you. It is greatly appreciated.


Maybe look into online/skype counseling. You could get an LCSW in most places and do it, I think.

You're good with emotional expression. A lot of people would love to have that skill.
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01-05-2017, 05:13 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
Hey. You are great with emotional expression. Look into getting an LCSW and maybe counseling people online. Alot of people need to learn that skill.
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01-05-2017, 06:00 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
(27-04-2017 06:01 PM)ScarletStormBreaker Wrote:  Just to get this out of the way.. I do not plan on killing myself.. I don't want to traumatize my siblings.. They are too young to deal with my death..

I'm just depressed, tired of living in constant chronic pain.. I had a full spinal fusion surgery in July of 2016.. During the surgery they not only operated on my entire spine, but moved my shoulder blades and my rib cage off of my hip(due to my scoliosis the curve caused my left side of my rib cage to rest on my hip.) This has caused me a lot of pain, and decreased the amount of stamina I have greatly. Because of this I can no longer attend my public high school and rarely ever leave my house unless I have appointments.

I've been in and out of the hospital my entire life because of all of my health issues, with the way things look right now, I'll never be able to really get out and work, and never be able to drive.

I just sit here and wonder, why the hell am I here if I can't go out and do something, I don't want to spend all my time alone at home with my parents.. I want to be independent and out on my own doing something. And, just when I was close to gaining that, when I was getting out a lot and having fun with my friends, even excelling in my schooling, this had to happen. I had to have a major surgery or I could have died.

I had very little time to process any of this before preparing for my surgery, it took up the majority of my summer, when previously I had been playing to hang out with friends and my now ex-boyfriend.

Now all I do is sit around my house and try my best to finish out my senior year of high school by homeschooling myself in all of my classes, in between daily chores. I often sit down at my desk and wonder what the point is in finishing out high school, and preparing for college, if I can never work, and never leave my parent's home. What do I really have to give to others? I want to work, I want to be go out and help others. I'm not content being like this, but I get so exhausted after being out and about for even a few hours that I find that this is the most real enjoyment I get, being stuck in my home, because it doesn't utterly exhaust me.

I've developed insomnia along side my chronic pain, the fatigue of that also increases my depression, I just feel like I've been stuck in a horrid cycle that never ends. I don't want to live like this anymore, but it seems I haven't any other choice, and I just wish I could deal with it without being depressed. I want to be happy again..

This is probably just a stupid, confusing mess of my nonsensical rambling, but if you took the time to read this, thank you. It is greatly appreciated.

I grew up not knowing that depression ran in my family since I was adopted. My adoptive parents were both authoritarian teachers, "boys don't cry, buck it up". I know they were trying to "toughen me up" to be prepared for life, but there is no script for parents, I also had nothing but boy bullies on my street, didn't have my first friend until high school. Being sensitive and not knowing it was ok to be myself, I tortured myself trying to fit in.

I met my biological family back in the mid 90s and saw the same sensitivity, anxiety and depression. While nobody can tell you what to do, I will say, even having lost my mom two months ago to the day, it hurts, but I can only say even with that, if I had called it quits the first time I felt suicidal, I would have missed out on a lot.

Death is final, and you cant bring yourself back once you are gone. And I am sure if I had kicked off my first time of having suicidal thoughts, my loved ones would have been in pain missing me. On top of not doing all the things I lived to do by not doing it.

It might be for you an adjustment in treatment/meds combined with some in person support from people you trust. It sucks going through that. It is absolutely true that physical problems are not the only thing that can cause depression. I hope you can find a way to cope.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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01-05-2017, 07:10 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
I am sorry you are dealing with all of that at a young age Sad Do you have someone you could talk to? I would definitely ask your parents about getting you a counselor. If you are unable to leave the house, or they can't come to you, there are online counseling services (Talkspace)

It may also help to talk to others going through something similar - maybe a chronic pain board or a board for young people with health issues.

http://ok2talk.org

I just would love to see you feel less 'alone' and have people who can relate. ((((hugs))))

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