I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
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01-05-2017, 08:44 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
(27-04-2017 06:01 PM)ScarletStormBreaker Wrote:  I've developed insomnia along side my chronic pain, the fatigue of that also increases my depression, I just feel like I've been stuck in a horrid cycle that never ends. I don't want to live like this anymore, but it seems I haven't any other choice, and I just wish I could deal with it without being depressed. I want to be happy again..

It sounds like you need a bit of time to readjust to your new normal. I hope depression isn't going to be a part of that of course, you have enough to deal with.

(27-04-2017 06:46 PM)Fatbaldhobbit Wrote:  Ask your doctors if there are exercises and therapy that you can do. Doing this will also help reduce depression.

Yes, and meditation will probably help as well with managing both your chronic pain and depression. Best of luck Scarlet.

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01-05-2017, 01:12 PM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
(27-04-2017 06:01 PM)ScarletStormBreaker Wrote:  Just to get this out of the way.. I do not plan on killing myself.. I don't want to traumatize my siblings.. They are too young to deal with my death..

I'm just depressed, tired of living in constant chronic pain.. I had a full spinal fusion surgery in July of 2016.. During the surgery they not only operated on my entire spine, but moved my shoulder blades and my rib cage off of my hip(due to my scoliosis the curve caused my left side of my rib cage to rest on my hip.) This has caused me a lot of pain, and decreased the amount of stamina I have greatly. Because of this I can no longer attend my public high school and rarely ever leave my house unless I have appointments.

I've been in and out of the hospital my entire life because of all of my health issues, with the way things look right now, I'll never be able to really get out and work, and never be able to drive.

I just sit here and wonder, why the hell am I here if I can't go out and do something, I don't want to spend all my time alone at home with my parents.. I want to be independent and out on my own doing something. And, just when I was close to gaining that, when I was getting out a lot and having fun with my friends, even excelling in my schooling, this had to happen. I had to have a major surgery or I could have died.

I had very little time to process any of this before preparing for my surgery, it took up the majority of my summer, when previously I had been playing to hang out with friends and my now ex-boyfriend.

Now all I do is sit around my house and try my best to finish out my senior year of high school by homeschooling myself in all of my classes, in between daily chores. I often sit down at my desk and wonder what the point is in finishing out high school, and preparing for college, if I can never work, and never leave my parent's home. What do I really have to give to others? I want to work, I want to be go out and help others. I'm not content being like this, but I get so exhausted after being out and about for even a few hours that I find that this is the most real enjoyment I get, being stuck in my home, because it doesn't utterly exhaust me.

I've developed insomnia along side my chronic pain, the fatigue of that also increases my depression, I just feel like I've been stuck in a horrid cycle that never ends. I don't want to live like this anymore, but it seems I haven't any other choice, and I just wish I could deal with it without being depressed. I want to be happy again..

This is probably just a stupid, confusing mess of my nonsensical rambling, but if you took the time to read this, thank you. It is greatly appreciated.

I think you are an amazing person. I hope this condition is not permanent - will you eventually regain some stamina and ability to move around yourself?

You can clearly type Smile How about becoming a coder? A programmer in other words? It's often highly paid, you can frequently work from home or anywhere in the world, it's kinda fun and if you're on a team there's a sense of community... You can also make friends online who will IRL come and take you out for coffee Smile Or your beverage of choice.

Also if giving to others is your thing coders are in demand everywhere for pro bono work - not just open source software, but lots of NGOs need help setting up a database or maybe making a smartphone app that's useful to e.g. jobseekers or something.

Just some thoughts Smile From one coder to (potentially) another Smile

ETA: Oh by the way, there are plenty of free programming courses available and loads of other free resources on the web too Smile Since you're already good at self-teaching, it might really be a good fit for you.

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(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-05-2017, 04:07 PM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
What I understand mostly from your OP is that you are feeling lonely and like the future has nothing for you.
Now although I cannot know the pain and problems you are facing, I would like to leave some ideas for you and some encouragement.

First I would like to ask, because you mentioned your reduced stamina. Is this only physical stamina or also mental like not being able to concentrate for long etc?

I would like to encourage you to do highschool online. As far as I know there are ways to do that. Get your leaving cert or whatever it is called over in the US. Then do university online. This way you don't have to commute a lot and as I understand your post, leaving the house can get painful and exhausting because of your physical health problems.
When you choose what you want to study, try to find something that you like but that does not demand you to be physcially fit. For example any field of science. If you are not into these types of things, how about programming or design or film making or journalism etc.
Such things are skills you can use by freelancing, offering your service online or via direct advertisment to potential clients.
A lot of people make good livings out of these. And who knows, maybe in 10 years, when you have made your first million ( Wink ) medicine might have made another jump and can help you much better at that point.

All I am saying, as long as it is bareable and there is any chance for you to do something with your life that you might enjoy, don't give up. Keep fighting. You have come this far, you are obviously a strong person with a great mind and more stamina than you realize.

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07-05-2017, 12:38 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
Enjoy life as much as you can for as long as you can.
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07-05-2017, 09:37 AM
RE: I am so sick of life, and being suicidal... (Great thread name, I know)
*Hugs* I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this--it's a lot to be sure. In terms of work or getting a job, the good thing about society now is that there are many jobs available that involve online work at home positions (especially if you go into something involving computers like MD mentioned).

Have you tried meditation? Are you able to do light movement of any kind? Gentle Yoga (Restorative) might be helpful.

Are there any hobbies you like to do?

You can always come on here and find a sense of community with us if you ever feel sad or lonely. Smile
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