I am worried about my relationship with my wife
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06-11-2016, 09:26 PM
I am worried about my relationship with my wife
Hey guys,

It has been a while since I have posted. Last I checked in I was(and still currently) adjusting to life after the military ten months ago. The hardest part of that transition and these past few months has been dealing with my wife, her parents, and my distant relatives. Before my general discharge from the Air Force I went into business with my father-in-law and soon after my leaving the military he failed to hold up his end of business. Lack of payment for two months to not only me but other family members and staff was enough for me to abandon the company. I initially pursued legal options getting a lawyer demanding payment NIL a detailed letter, but his aggressive response was sufficient to enrage me almost to make a huge mistake. From then on, I kept my distance. The ensuing backlash caused a huge rift between my wife as she felt embarrassed by it all to including her mother demanding I forgive him. She kept a dialogue with her parents but was ok with me not wanting to be anywhere near them. However, after the "joke" her father made asking her to leave me "for him," she was inclined to stop the dialogue with them all together.

It was not until the passing of a close cousin that we saw them again. Despite the use of such a tragic event to try and stir emotions to draw my wife wrote them out of her life changing phone numbers and getting rid of social media. However, the problem persists causing us both lots of stress. Although, we have not spoken a word or even received a direct message or phone call we still hear things from her older sister and brother-in-law(some of the few sane people in the family). A co-worker of my wife also approached her passing on a message from her mother(by my wife's account he was just as uncomfortable about the situation). The fact of the matter is my wife has felt lots of stress from this and no matter how calm I am about the situation I can tell it hurts her that her parents cause so much drama. Our marriage is only two and a half years old, but it is exhausting having to deal with this, and I have honestly thought of divorce countless times. I would never leave her given our history and how much cared for me, but I recognize the amount of stress this cause to push me to that thought.

As of late, I have hit a stride in my studies with only another eighteen months left of my bachelor's degree in philosophy at American Public University, an online school. I have recently begun to crave intellectual conversation to feel connected with my partner. However, the discussions typically bore her which I do understand, but it has me wanting that thrill of debate to feel that sexual connection. Although I have found solace in writing these thoughts out, I still feel an enormous unfilled gap in my love life. Sex has hit a snag as we go weeks without at time. Even when the mood does strike me, I have this huge mental wall as the lack of intellectual fulfillment comes to mind. As I will not cheat and enjoy my wife's company and compassion, I feel conflicted about this.

I just needed to vent. Thanks.
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06-11-2016, 10:02 PM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
(06-11-2016 09:26 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  Hey guys,

It has been a while since I have posted. Last I checked in I was(and still currently) adjusting to life after the military ten months ago. The hardest part of that transition and these past few months has been dealing with my wife, her parents, and my distant relatives. Before my general discharge from the Air Force I went into business with my father-in-law and soon after my leaving the military he failed to hold up his end of business. Lack of payment for two months to not only me but other family members and staff was enough for me to abandon the company. I initially pursued legal options getting a lawyer demanding payment NIL a detailed letter, but his aggressive response was sufficient to enrage me almost to make a huge mistake. From then on, I kept my distance. The ensuing backlash caused a huge rift between my wife as she felt embarrassed by it all to including her mother demanding I forgive him. She kept a dialogue with her parents but was ok with me not wanting to be anywhere near them. However, after the "joke" her father made asking her to leave me "for him," she was inclined to stop the dialogue with them all together.

It was not until the passing of a close cousin that we saw them again. Despite the use of such a tragic event to try and stir emotions to draw my wife wrote them out of her life changing phone numbers and getting rid of social media. However, the problem persists causing us both lots of stress. Although, we have not spoken a word or even received a direct message or phone call we still hear things from her older sister and brother-in-law(some of the few sane people in the family). A co-worker of my wife also approached her passing on a message from her mother(by my wife's account he was just as uncomfortable about the situation). The fact of the matter is my wife has felt lots of stress from this and no matter how calm I am about the situation I can tell it hurts her that her parents cause so much drama. Our marriage is only two and a half years old, but it is exhausting having to deal with this, and I have honestly thought of divorce countless times. I would never leave her given our history and how much cared for me, but I recognize the amount of stress this cause to push me to that thought.

As of late, I have hit a stride in my studies with only another eighteen months left of my bachelor's degree in philosophy at American Public University, an online school. I have recently begun to crave intellectual conversation to feel connected with my partner. However, the discussions typically bore her which I do understand, but it has me wanting that thrill of debate to feel that sexual connection. Although I have found solace in writing these thoughts out, I still feel an enormous unfilled gap in my love life. Sex has hit a snag as we go weeks without at time. Even when the mood does strike me, I have this huge mental wall as the lack of intellectual fulfillment comes to mind. As I will not cheat and enjoy my wife's company and compassion, I feel conflicted about this.

I just needed to vent. Thanks.

Don't worry. I've only had sex twice in the last 5 years and I'm doing fantastic.

...

...

HoboEvil_monsterGoodevilThe Titanic

'Murican Canadian
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06-11-2016, 10:46 PM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
Hugs to you Mr. K.

The only thing I could suggest is to stick to having intellectual conversations and debates with fellow students and possibly in online forums if your wife isn't interested in that sort of thing. Maybe try and focus on what it is that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Maybe plan a romantic night together. Or just go and do something fun together. That might help put the spark back into things.
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07-11-2016, 04:01 AM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
Hard situation indeed my friend...

I think you have to decide what you want from your relationship, as no one can never have it all on a single relationship, your wife will be unlikely to be able provide you with every single gap in fulfillment.

I had a long relationship almost purely intelectual with a very frustrating sexual side, and had the opposite too, both were very frustrating, until I realize I was doing it wrong.

What I can maybe say that I learned is: its easier to find intelectual fulfillment in other relationships (if you will not cheat her), you may consider attending debates or forums like this one, trying to fill this gap elsewhere instead of expecting it all to come from your wife as it seems would be unreasonable to expect her to be proficient in all departments (companionship, sexual, intelectual, etc)

That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.”
-P.C. Hodgell - Seeker’s Mask - Kirien
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07-11-2016, 07:30 AM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
Sorry to read that you are going through all this.
Sadly, external events (often related to family) is often what put a lot of strain in couples.

(06-11-2016 10:46 PM)jennybee Wrote:  The only thing I could suggest is to stick to having intellectual conversations and debates with fellow students and possibly in online forums if your wife isn't interested in that sort of thing. Maybe try and focus on what it is that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Maybe plan a romantic night together. Or just go and do something fun together. That might help put the spark back into things.

That's exactly what I would have suggested. If you can't have those conversations with her, try having them with other people, at least you won't miss that anymore (or less), and you'll be able to focus on doing activities you enjoy doing with your wife, spend some good time with her to feel close again.
I'm living a similar situation, that's exactly what I'm trying to do.
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07-11-2016, 08:13 AM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
I agree with everyone saying that one can't expect their partner to fulfill all their needs. No one person can fill all of another person's needs. It's just not possible. Seek intellectual stimulation elsewhere or else... well, is it that she doesn't like to have intellectual conversations at all? Or is it just certain topics that bore her?

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07-11-2016, 12:08 PM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
I hope that you guys can repair the rift in her family. It seems to me that that could be a big underlying cause, perhaps unrecognized resentment on her part ... or even your own?
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07-11-2016, 12:31 PM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
The 3 year itch - very common. Find something new to do together....

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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07-11-2016, 12:36 PM
RE: I am worried about my relationship with my wife
Maybe I didn't glean this from your post (I'm at work so sometimes I accidentally skim) but have you had a real heart to heart strategizing things? Ignore all the rest if you have - I realize it'll come off as a bit condescending otherwise.

I'll caveat this saying that I'm not married, nor ever have been, but one of the things I've found most useful in my relationships with friends and lovers/boyfriends lately is to first identify a problem, and then for us to sit down over a drink (just one, maybe two - enough to relax but not to heighten emotions) and go over it like it's a 'war plan' or a 'business plan' of sorts. It's not the most romantic thing to do, but it's the easiest way we've found to be able to lay our cards on the table and examine them in a 'safe' setting.

We've also made rules where we say "safe space" when we really, really want an honest answer and realize that it might be an answer we hate. That tells the other person that we have mentally prepared ourselves for the worst and refuse to react in a negative or unproductive manner to whatever they say. But that means they need to be fully honest with us as well.

That being said, you might want to talk about these things with your wife one piece at a time. Maybe say "hey I realize that this family situation is really stressful and I want to try and come to a solution that benefits both of us." Ask her how she feels about all of it - and ask a lot of questions about how she feels about it all based on your observations of her actions. Then ask her what she thinks might help. Tell her that no answer is dumb or necessarily non-negotiable, you'd just like to get a series of solutions from most ideal to least that she thinks would help, so that you can decide together what to do.

The whole point is to act like a unit. You two are a family now, and that will invariably pit you against the other 'units' of your families in many ways. It may be that your wife won't want to continue having contact with her family now that she sees how toxic they are, but she might want help in how to avoid them. You two can be a team about it.

As for the intellectual discourse... You didn't specify what topics you were attempting to discuss with her. Is there something intellectual that interests her that you haven't pursued in conversation? Have you asked her why she isn't interested in the things you want to talk about? One thing I've found about talking to my partners is that it doesn't necessarily matter if we care about the thing the other is ranting about, the point is that we find it attractive that the other person is interested in something. For instance, my best friend (who is also my ex) has a dumb (IMO) habit of trying to constantly get the people in his life to think more critically. He questions their assumptions all the time. It drives him batshit, and he rants about it, and I wish he'd just give up trying, but I dearly love that he's passionate enough about critical thinking and skepticism and making informed decisions that he bothers with it all. Likewise, he would listen when I ranted about the atheist group I used to VP - not because he cared about the drama or the group itself, but because he knew *I* cared about what the group was supposed to mean - a social network for the lonely atheists down here in the south - a place to call home. Are there things your wife finds equally interesting that you can strike up a conversation about and go from there? You might discover that a portion of those talks ends up overlapping both of your interests. I knew a guy who dated a woman for a while - he loved historical video games, she loved historical costuming. It was the history that brought them together, even though he didn't give a fuck about cosplay and she didn't care for games.

That said, it's possible you will have to accept that your wife simply can't provide you the same kind of intellectual discourse you're looking for, and that's okay. As has been said before, we can't be everything for everyone.

But first, you have to have some pretty serious talks with her about these things.

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Albert Camus
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