I couldn't think of how to name this.
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09-10-2015, 03:09 PM
I couldn't think of how to name this.
As of late I've been doing extra shitty. I've had to stop smoking which was the one thing that kept my depression, anxiety, insomnia, and anger/bipolar down. Had a positive read on my random piss test a few months ago so the military is investigating but I new I could turn down the second test. I have a lawyer ready to be on retainer who specializes in military law. But of course in the event I end up taking it I've had to completely stop and do a detox. This has resulted in my anger being through the fucking roof. I snap at anyone(including my wife) and now I'm afraid my suicidal/homicidal thoughts might turn into something worse. I'm stuck between saying fuck it and worry about my own well being and actually having some peace and control or not having peace and control and being a "law" abiding citizen but wanting to kill myself.

I don't know what the hell is even the point half of the time. I feel trapped in my mind a lot and my perception of time lately is showing for it. Days feel like months months feel like years. Plus I've slowly come to understand what nihilism is and its starting to sound a lot of what I've been thinking these past few years. This is one of the reasons I haven't really been posting here. I kind of see it as useless to try and educate people who clearly don't want to. They are happy with a veil over their eyes and you know what I kind of envy them. I hate knowing as much as I do...it's made me unable to put up with shit with a smile. I just call bullshit out constantly and I sound so negative. I can tell it's affecting my wife and to be honest I think if she divorced me I'd understand. In all honesty now that I understand that love is just a human function that just helps the species procreate I don't know if I even do still love her. I care for her of course but.....I don't know.

I'm just so ANGRY all the time. Just this morning someone cut me off and I fucking LOST it. I've never been like that before I just...saw red. I thought that was totally bullshit when people used that explanation but apparently not. I just wanted to hurt something sooooo bad.

Meanwhile I've been starting with a new therapist and I'm starting to remember again why I stopped going. Seems like I'm just another case and she always is staring at the clock. I told her most of this stuff and what does she do.... wants to give me a sleep study. A FUCKING SLEEP STUDY!!!! Why am I angry at this? because if she would've read my file or at least the last 5 doctors notes they've done it already. So that confirmed my suspicions of her not really giving a shit. And before you play devils advocate I've been under her for a month. No excuse. I tried being referred out but for some reason they wont ok it so I'm stuck with military doctors .

I just feel like yelling all the time...I just feel trapped.
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09-10-2015, 03:55 PM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(09-10-2015 03:09 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  As of late I've been doing extra shitty. I've had to stop smoking which was the one thing that kept my depression, anxiety, insomnia, and anger/bipolar down. Had a positive read on my random piss test a few months ago so the military is investigating but I new I could turn down the second test. I have a lawyer ready to be on retainer who specializes in military law. But of course in the event I end up taking it I've had to completely stop and do a detox. This has resulted in my anger being through the fucking roof. I snap at anyone(including my wife) and now I'm afraid my suicidal/homicidal thoughts might turn into something worse. I'm stuck between saying fuck it and worry about my own well being and actually having some peace and control or not having peace and control and being a "law" abiding citizen but wanting to kill myself.

I don't know what the hell is even the point half of the time. I feel trapped in my mind a lot and my perception of time lately is showing for it. Days feel like months months feel like years. Plus I've slowly come to understand what nihilism is and its starting to sound a lot of what I've been thinking these past few years. This is one of the reasons I haven't really been posting here. I kind of see it as useless to try and educate people who clearly don't want to. They are happy with a veil over their eyes and you know what I kind of envy them. I hate knowing as much as I do...it's made me unable to put up with shit with a smile. I just call bullshit out constantly and I sound so negative. I can tell it's affecting my wife and to be honest I think if she divorced me I'd understand. In all honesty now that I understand that love is just a human function that just helps the species procreate I don't know if I even do still love her. I care for her of course but.....I don't know.

I'm just so ANGRY all the time. Just this morning someone cut me off and I fucking LOST it. I've never been like that before I just...saw red. I thought that was totally bullshit when people used that explanation but apparently not. I just wanted to hurt something sooooo bad.

Meanwhile I've been starting with a new therapist and I'm starting to remember again why I stopped going. Seems like I'm just another case and she always is staring at the clock. I told her most of this stuff and what does she do.... wants to give me a sleep study. A FUCKING SLEEP STUDY!!!! Why am I angry at this? because if she would've read my file or at least the last 5 doctors notes they've done it already. So that confirmed my suspicions of her not really giving a shit. And before you play devils advocate I've been under her for a month. No excuse. I tried being referred out but for some reason they wont ok it so I'm stuck with military doctors .

I just feel like yelling all the time...I just feel trapped.

HugHugHug

Yikes! You really need another therapist. Or to go back to weed. Or both.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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09-10-2015, 04:12 PM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(09-10-2015 03:55 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(09-10-2015 03:09 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  As of late I've been doing extra shitty. I've had to stop smoking which was the one thing that kept my depression, anxiety, insomnia, and anger/bipolar down. Had a positive read on my random piss test a few months ago so the military is investigating but I new I could turn down the second test. I have a lawyer ready to be on retainer who specializes in military law. But of course in the event I end up taking it I've had to completely stop and do a detox. This has resulted in my anger being through the fucking roof. I snap at anyone(including my wife) and now I'm afraid my suicidal/homicidal thoughts might turn into something worse. I'm stuck between saying fuck it and worry about my own well being and actually having some peace and control or not having peace and control and being a "law" abiding citizen but wanting to kill myself.

I don't know what the hell is even the point half of the time. I feel trapped in my mind a lot and my perception of time lately is showing for it. Days feel like months months feel like years. Plus I've slowly come to understand what nihilism is and its starting to sound a lot of what I've been thinking these past few years. This is one of the reasons I haven't really been posting here. I kind of see it as useless to try and educate people who clearly don't want to. They are happy with a veil over their eyes and you know what I kind of envy them. I hate knowing as much as I do...it's made me unable to put up with shit with a smile. I just call bullshit out constantly and I sound so negative. I can tell it's affecting my wife and to be honest I think if she divorced me I'd understand. In all honesty now that I understand that love is just a human function that just helps the species procreate I don't know if I even do still love her. I care for her of course but.....I don't know.

I'm just so ANGRY all the time. Just this morning someone cut me off and I fucking LOST it. I've never been like that before I just...saw red. I thought that was totally bullshit when people used that explanation but apparently not. I just wanted to hurt something sooooo bad.

Meanwhile I've been starting with a new therapist and I'm starting to remember again why I stopped going. Seems like I'm just another case and she always is staring at the clock. I told her most of this stuff and what does she do.... wants to give me a sleep study. A FUCKING SLEEP STUDY!!!! Why am I angry at this? because if she would've read my file or at least the last 5 doctors notes they've done it already. So that confirmed my suspicions of her not really giving a shit. And before you play devils advocate I've been under her for a month. No excuse. I tried being referred out but for some reason they wont ok it so I'm stuck with military doctors .

I just feel like yelling all the time...I just feel trapped.

HugHugHug

Yikes! You really need another therapist. Or to go back to weed. Or both.

That's the thing. I don't want to go out on bad terms and not get any health care for something that happened to me due to my service. But do I even really want the service seeing as how they are currently treating me?

Meanwhile my wife just walked in.....first time since I've been married that I've thought about divorce. I didn't or say anything but I'm just not happy. not with her just in general. I'm lost here.
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09-10-2015, 04:14 PM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(09-10-2015 04:12 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  
(09-10-2015 03:55 PM)Dom Wrote:  HugHugHug

Yikes! You really need another therapist. Or to go back to weed. Or both.

That's the thing. I don't want to go out on bad terms and not get any health care for something that happened to me due to my service. But do I even really want the service seeing as how they are currently treating me?

Meanwhile my wife just walked in.....first time since I've been married that I've thought about divorce. I didn't or say anything but I'm just not happy. not with her just in general. I'm lost here.

Quit thinking about your marriage now, this is not the time. You will make stupid decisions in the state you are in. Just let that be. At least for now.

Have you explained all this to her yet?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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09-10-2015, 04:45 PM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(09-10-2015 04:14 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(09-10-2015 04:12 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  That's the thing. I don't want to go out on bad terms and not get any health care for something that happened to me due to my service. But do I even really want the service seeing as how they are currently treating me?

Meanwhile my wife just walked in.....first time since I've been married that I've thought about divorce. I didn't or say anything but I'm just not happy. not with her just in general. I'm lost here.

Quit thinking about your marriage now, this is not the time. You will make stupid decisions in the state you are in. Just let that be. At least for now.

Have you explained all this to her yet?

Not the divorce thing no. I figure that would not be the best approach. I keep telling her I need space to figure myself out but she just keeps annoying me about not speaking to her. I told her I'm not mad at her or anything just not in the mood to talk to anyone. Mainly because every time I do I get the same unhelpful comments from family and friends. "Just get over it, I'll pray for you, ect. Honestly after dealing with this so long I don't think she can help. It's not her fault or anything I think I'm past the point of a few good words.
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09-10-2015, 06:15 PM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(09-10-2015 03:55 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(09-10-2015 03:09 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  As of late I've been doing extra shitty. I've had to stop smoking which was the one thing that kept my depression, anxiety, insomnia, and anger/bipolar down. Had a positive read on my random piss test a few months ago so the military is investigating but I new I could turn down the second test. I have a lawyer ready to be on retainer who specializes in military law. But of course in the event I end up taking it I've had to completely stop and do a detox. This has resulted in my anger being through the fucking roof. I snap at anyone(including my wife) and now I'm afraid my suicidal/homicidal thoughts might turn into something worse. I'm stuck between saying fuck it and worry about my own well being and actually having some peace and control or not having peace and control and being a "law" abiding citizen but wanting to kill myself.

I don't know what the hell is even the point half of the time. I feel trapped in my mind a lot and my perception of time lately is showing for it. Days feel like months months feel like years. Plus I've slowly come to understand what nihilism is and its starting to sound a lot of what I've been thinking these past few years. This is one of the reasons I haven't really been posting here. I kind of see it as useless to try and educate people who clearly don't want to. They are happy with a veil over their eyes and you know what I kind of envy them. I hate knowing as much as I do...it's made me unable to put up with shit with a smile. I just call bullshit out constantly and I sound so negative. I can tell it's affecting my wife and to be honest I think if she divorced me I'd understand. In all honesty now that I understand that love is just a human function that just helps the species procreate I don't know if I even do still love her. I care for her of course but.....I don't know.

I'm just so ANGRY all the time. Just this morning someone cut me off and I fucking LOST it. I've never been like that before I just...saw red. I thought that was totally bullshit when people used that explanation but apparently not. I just wanted to hurt something sooooo bad.

Meanwhile I've been starting with a new therapist and I'm starting to remember again why I stopped going. Seems like I'm just another case and she always is staring at the clock. I told her most of this stuff and what does she do.... wants to give me a sleep study. A FUCKING SLEEP STUDY!!!! Why am I angry at this? because if she would've read my file or at least the last 5 doctors notes they've done it already. So that confirmed my suspicions of her not really giving a shit. And before you play devils advocate I've been under her for a month. No excuse. I tried being referred out but for some reason they wont ok it so I'm stuck with military doctors .

I just feel like yelling all the time...I just feel trapped.

HugHugHug

Yikes! You really need another therapist. Or to go back to weed. Or both.

Agreed. Get another therapist. I also agree about putting any ideas of divorce or leaving marriage on hold until you sort through some of these things you are dealing with. I am so sorry you are going through all of this Hug
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09-10-2015, 07:13 PM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(09-10-2015 04:12 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  That's the thing. I don't want to go out on bad terms and not get any health care for something that happened to me due to my service. But do I even really want the service seeing as how they are currently treating me?

Once you are out of the service you can get pretty good healthcare. Tricare is nothing to sneeze at. You need to figure out a way to get out in good graces.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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09-10-2015, 09:18 PM (This post was last modified: 09-10-2015 09:27 PM by MrKrispy601.)
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(09-10-2015 07:13 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(09-10-2015 04:12 PM)MrKrispy601 Wrote:  That's the thing. I don't want to go out on bad terms and not get any health care for something that happened to me due to my service. But do I even really want the service seeing as how they are currently treating me?


Once you are out of the service you can get pretty good healthcare. Tricare is nothing to sneeze at. You need to figure out a way to get out in good graces.
I'm actually being in the process of being medically discharged. Only problem is the process is stuck due to my primary doctor will not turn in his narrative summary. Both me and my case manager have been unable to get ahold of him for weeks. Tried going to my supervisor to ask my commander or first sergeant to help...they were more preoccupied trying to get me to talk about the piss test and trying to make me take another one which legally I'm allowed to turn down because it wasn't command directed. I asked about this after I was let go by the Air Force office of special investigation. Nothing at all. Just ignored my question.

Oh little side note to show what kind of "support" I have from my leadership. On top of what I stated above they came over while I was the only one on duty asking me to come with them. They wouldn't say where I was going, what it was about, or anything. Had I thought about it I wouldn't have until they told me.

So as you see it's hard to even get any fucking help from either side. To be honest I've been getting tricked since I've opened up about my symptoms after my last deployment in 2013. I was worried then about losing my clearance if I spoke up. I got told that I wouldn't lose it due to me showing good judgement by coming forward. Wanna take a guess what happened two months later...clearance gets yanked. Due to this I was unable to test for promotion due to not being able to do my job or study my classified development coursework. That happened a year ago. For 8 months they threw me in a position that basically sits around all day and forgot about me until i showed up on a slide for past due training. They hounded me about it to get done while not even remotely asking how I was doing for 8 months. Meanwhile I stopped going to my therapy sessions due to the lack of trust.

So as you see some commands still have huge problems with taking mental health serious. And here's the cherry on top....we have had 5 suicides in my squadron of 200 or so members. Two of which I knew very well. They obviously don't give a shit.

So I hope you guys see why I've been itching to just end it. I feel so duped that I feel for this bs of oh we're family we take care of each other. They make it look good on paper to cover their own asses and not actually solving any real problems. I only have this forum to talk to. Mainly because you actually do give a shit. I'm starting to see the toll it's taking on my wife which is why I've stopped involving her so much...she has her own shit to deal with.
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10-10-2015, 11:06 AM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
yes a new therapist. my depression showed itself in ANGER. I remember wanting to beat everyone and everything with a baseball bat.


my temper would go from 0-80 in a millisecond. there was no middle stopping point and the smallest things would get me raging mad.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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10-10-2015, 11:46 AM
RE: I couldn't think of how to name this.
(10-10-2015 11:06 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  yes a new therapist. my depression showed itself in ANGER. I remember wanting to beat everyone and everything with a baseball bat.


my temper would go from 0-80 in a millisecond. there was no middle stopping point and the smallest things would get me raging mad.

That's the thing this is the 6th Doctor I've had. I'm starting to think the problem is me.
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