I don't know
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07-10-2016, 04:50 PM
I don't know
Wall of text about depression coming. You have been warned.

Here we go.

So, like many people, my childhood wasn't too great and neither were my teenage years. I won't go into detail but the result of it all was a depression that has been with me for so long that I cannot remember a time where I have not been depressed and/or suicidal.

When I was a child, I had one teacher who offered meditation once a week at break time. I think I was 8 or 9 when that teacher offered this.
I didn't know why but I really wanted to go there. She didn't say anything specific about the meditation when she first offered it and I have always been curious so I was interested in this. So the first time, she did this guided thing where you do some images in your mind. It was supposed to be very relaxing. She had darkened the room a bit and we (all the kids that came to the session) were just laying down all over the floor to be comfortable.
She was guiding us a little bit without putting images in our heads. I remember seeing a nice small waterfall and after seeing that my eyes started crying. I am saying it like that because I wasn't even aware, I wasn't sad, nothing bad had come up in my head, but my eyes just started and I couldn't stop them. I wasn't sobbing or anything, I was just confused at my eyes.
I remember that my teacher had asked, after the session if I was ok. And I said yes but I don't know what's with my eyes. And she said something that I didn't understand back then "Well maybe you remembered something subconsciously" She made sure I was ok before I joined back with the other children outside to play.
Until today I have no idea what it might have been. Maybe just some of my stress had found its way out this way... Kind of a release? No idea.

Let's skip some years.
I must have been... 21 or 22 when something (not going into details again) triggered a mental break down for me. I had been on the edge for a while at the time and now I was there. I went to the doctor, the doctor gave me *some medicine*. Turns out he had given me some kind of downer/sedative no clue. I was supposed to take one pill when I get home. Because I know my body and my habit of rarely using medicine, I took only half of a pill when I got home. I ended up on the sofa, with the TV on, no clue what was on TV. I was just staring into the TV calmly until my mom came home and found me half passed out on the sofa (from half a fucking pill) and I wanted to tell her things and it made a lot of sense in my mind but I guess the words were slurred or something because my mom understood nothing I said. Being the hippie she was (and still is) she understood that I was somehow drugged and had to sleep it off so she left me alone until it had worn off.
I told her then that I had a mental breakdown and this is what the doctor had given me.
She just looked at me "Oh but that was not really a mental breakdown"
I immediately felt sorry that I had even mentioned it. She loved me, always, still does, but she used to be in denial with these things.

For a while things went fine but another thing had triggered another breakdown, this time it had happened at work. And my boss, very kind lady, looked me in the eyes "I have seen this coming for a long time already" and she was very nice and sent me to the doctor and wanted me to call her so she could know I am being taken care of.
I went to the doctor and broke down again (second time that day). I just could not stop. I was done for. He waited until I was able to hold a conversation for longer than a sentence and then he sent me to the psychiatric emergency room (which was relatively close by).
This is when I started to first acknowledge that I needed help and so I took this chance, this is when my healing began.

In the day hospital (I stayed at the hospital at daytime but was allowed to go home over night) there were these group sessions were we did this similar thing to what my teacher had done back then when I was a child. In these group sessions I was completely unable to let myself get into this relaxed state again. I did not want to start crying for no apparent reason again. Even though I was in a safe place with doctors and nurses to catch me if this happened. I just couldn't do it.
(I did meditate a lot at home though, on my own terms, with my own techniques that actually helped me)

Skip some more years and we are in the now.
I still have my depressive tendencies (as part of my bpd) but by now I can usually recognize when I slip and snap out of it. If I cannot snap out of it, I have my husband who can snap me out of it. So over all, I am functional. Almost all my symptoms from the bpd are gone. I mean they can surface at times but usually I decide to watch a movie or so until it goes away on its own.
So yea, things are fine and getting better all the time.

But
My job...
Well half of my job is content review for a website. Things that get reported and then I have to check if they stay on the site or not. Well I have been doing this for almost three years now. Well doing this job means that I get to see how deeply horrible humans can be and it can hit you very hard at times. You do get a bit dull about certain things, you see them over and over and over until you don't even realize WHAT you are seeing but all you do is analyze that content and make a decision. Like a robot.
But it takes its toll. When I see an accident or someone in distress, I scan the scene quickly, no empathy, just objectively scanning if things are being taken care of. If things are being taken care of I move on and forget the scene withing a minute. And that can be a guy falling or a child being hit by a car (both happened), I just ... move on.
So After a long long long time, my company has finally realized that this job can be (and is) traumatizing to people. Because every time you think that you have now seen everything, another thing will pop up and crush your little hope for humanity that you had left in you. Sad it took so long for them to get things moving but finally they have put some things in place to help us employees deal with this shit.
One of these things is this class on mindfulness. It is a 90 minute session that everyone has to attend. The other thing is a support program where you can call a free number at any time and for any reason.
So today it was my turn for this mindfulness session. It was a group session held by a psycho therapist who works with trauma patients a lot.
He was very nice and had this "daddy"-aura where you feel safe and taken care of.
One of the exercises that we did there, was something where you were supposed to just feel yourself and be aware of your body. Nothing special, just sitting there and acknowledging yourself. Well he started by asking us to close our eyes or find a point that we can stare at blankly. Well you might have figured that I did not close my eyes.
Today, after a long time of feeling ok, I thought that I might just break right there, right then, during the exercise. I pulled myself together and started playing with my fingers and my arms just to keep me on track. And at this point I really actually have no clue why I was feeling this way. Sure the things I see at work can be pretty damn horrible but so far I have always felt that I dealt with it fine. I have two coworkers who are also friends. So the three of us can talk freely about it without worrying about breaching confidentiality, make horrible jokes to laugh it away, or just rant and rage until we are empty.
I am happy that in our session today we learned a bit about why our bodies react a certain way and how we can help ourselves when we feel a certain way. So that was great and I found the session very helpful.
But I still don't know why I was feeling that way during the exercise... after all, generally I am not a very emotional person. I am pretty sure I worked through my traumas that had caused my breakdowns. All that is left is the fact that my brain chemistry just changed so I fall back into depression and all the other symptoms more easily than healthy brains.

The other day someone on this forum sent me a pm, in reaction to my weightloss thread, telling me about a medicine they got from their doctor for their depression and that it had also helped to lose some weight.
My reply was just that I don't need any medication for my depression but thanks anyway.
And it is true. Even when I was in therapy, I declined taking anti-depressants or other medication. I wanted to work through it on my own, no medicine. I had tried anti-depressants at some point but didn't like how I felt with them so I stopped taking them.

Well just had to vent it all and maybe hear some feedback. Sometimes it helps to hear the point of view of others.

Also just as assurance: I am fine really. Just thoughtful right now. Usually I have these thoughts on my birthday. It's exhausting. Generally I don't have those thoughts, circular thoughts.... I don't have them anymore because I found a way to break through the circle. But on my birthdays and today, I have them and I cannot... it's exhausting.
I don't like to think about my depressed times. It brings me to the reasons got depressed and in turn I get angry and bitter and sad. I don't like it... hm...

cheers
R.

PS respect if you made it all the way through this whole post.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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07-10-2016, 05:25 PM (This post was last modified: 07-10-2016 05:51 PM by jennybee.)
RE: I don't know
I do a lot of meditation myself and sometimes meditations can have a release valve to them. What I mean is that you are in such a relaxed state, your body is able to relax so fully after being so tense throughout the day via work/relationships/experiences/stress/etc. that you might find yourself tearing up as a further way of releasing tension.

RE: circular thoughts: It doesn't take much to trigger the mind. Even if you have worked through past hurts, they can still be triggered again by literally anything--resulting in anxiety, circular thoughts, and so on.

I find yoga has done wonders for me in my life. Meditation is a part of yoga, but so are breathing techniques and moving poses (asana). There are also tons of different meditation techniques, which you might decide to add to what you are already doing. For your weight loss journey--yoga is great exercise as well. It tones you up, provides endurance, strength and balance, burns calories, all while helping you better deal with stress/anxiety/etc.

The reason yoga is so effective at dealing with stress/anxiety etc. is that it provides you some techniques to use when you find yourself in that state of mind---even before you find yourself in that state. If you notice your body and mind when you become anxious or triggered--you can feel a shift in your body. Your heart begins to race, your breathing changes, and you tense up, and your thoughts race. Yoga has techniques that can help you control your breath and your body which helps to put you in better control of stress/anxiety/etc instead of the other way around. There have also been several studies done that show that yoga can help alleviate depression.

No matter what you decide to do, I know you'll make it through this rough patch. I'm really glad you have your husband to lean on as well. Hug
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15-10-2016, 01:05 PM
RE: I don't know
I think you're right in avoiding to turn to anti-depressants if you feel you can handle the situation without them. But, the fact that you mention them, does it mean you still feel depressed, or that's on occasions like during the sessions you had those feelings ?

About breaking down during meditation or breathing/relaxing exercises, it happened to me too, especially during long session (>1h). I think while we are conscious and focused on our daily life, we sometimes don't realize that we have accumulated a lot of stress, so when we reaches a relaxed state, it just comes up again. In my case, it's a kind of tension release, emotions I have hidden or tried to repress that come back.

Quote:Today, after a long time of feeling ok, I thought that I might just break right there, right then, during the exercise

did you feel ok before the exercise, or did you start to feel depress again even before ? I mean, was it the exercise that made you feel that way ?

Did you try the same exercise at home ? If you do it daily, does it happen everytime ?

I used to do some body meditation, it helped me a bit with handling anxiety (but not much with depression), actually, most of the time, I felt better after the meditation but a couple of hours later, the anxiety slowly came back. I've stopped meditation a few months ago when I started again practicing sport (surfing in my case) in long session (>=2h), I noticed it always makes me feel much better, and it has a much longer lasting effect.

Quote: I am fine really. Just thoughtful right now. Usually I have these thoughts on my birthday. It's exhausting. Generally I don't have those thoughts, circular thoughts.... I don't have them anymore because I found a way to break through the circle. But on my birthdays and today, I have them and I cannot... it's exhausting.

I'm an obsessive thinker too, I know the exhaustion Sad Sport helps me. I also sometimes take Mg supplement, it helps, it doesn't break the thinking circle, but it calms it down a bit so it's already a small relief (you feel a bit less exhausted).
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17-10-2016, 05:26 PM
RE: I don't know
(15-10-2016 01:05 PM)Sturm Wrote:  But, the fact that you mention them, does it mean you still feel depressed, or that's on occasions like during the sessions you had those feelings ?
Well sometimes it comes back but I can snap myself out of it pretty well by now. And when I am stuck in the depressed hole, my husband can snap me out of it too.

Quote:did you feel ok before the exercise, or did you start to feel depress again even before ? I mean, was it the exercise that made you feel that way ?
I was fine before. I wouldn't say I felt depressed during the session. I just felt the breakdown coming so I focussed on playing with my hands in order to prevent that.

Quote:Did you try the same exercise at home ? If you do it daily, does it happen everytime ?
I stopped meditating when I left the witchcraft and pagan faith. I have not been able to do it since because it was such a big part of it. It feels like an ex-christian being asked to pray. I just cannot do it anymore. I know it would help me a lot and it did in the past, but I cannot anymore.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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17-10-2016, 07:54 PM
RE: I don't know
Depression can be a weird thing. I have dealt with it for years at different levels...from a slightly low feeling to wanting to curl up in a ball.

I am stubborn about taking antidepressants though I have at times over the years.

2009 was a rough year...my aunt died unexpectedly and just a few weeks later my dad lost his battle with multiple health issues. I fell apart in my doctor's office and she put me on Lexapro. I am glad she did because six months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and without the Lexapro I am not sure how I would have handled it.

In years before I had tried other things that really didn't seem to work so I would quit taking them. I can't even remember all the different meds I was put on.

Since 2009 I have taken Lexapro off and on. It seems to work the best for me. But, as I said, I am stubborn and quit taking it after a while...determined to handle shit on my own.

2016 has absolutely worked it's ass off trying to break me and I have stubbornly fought through one disaster and loss after another. I have Lexapro on hand...a lot of it because I was getting the scripts filled through the mail. I have, in the last few months, looked at the bottle and questioned if I should start back on it. I am functioning but only barely. I don't do any of the things that I enjoy. I work, I tend to the house, the pets, and other things that must be done. Outside of that I don't do anything else and I am more and more retreating from humanity (hard to believe but true).

After I had to have Lady put down and with my not so great new job I was getting lower and lower every day. A friend from here called me about ten days ago to check on me. We talked a while and I mentioned that I had been thinking about taking the meds again. He thought it sounded like a good idea...I think I just needed someone to agree that I need some help. I took the first dose that night.

Just over a week and the morning wooziness has passed as has the slightly queasy feeling. My body is adjusting to the meds. I am hoping that in another week or so I will start feeling like life isn't just plodding through every day to get to the next day and plodding through it.

I know what it's like to feel like you can handle depression without medication. But I also know that's not always the case. You, Leela, have to do what's right for you but don't let your determination to beat a chemical imbalance on your own keep you from getting the help that's available.

Either way, I hope you feel better soon...and I hope I do too. I am tired of just ticking off the hours to the weekend so that I can spend most of it sleeping my life away.

Much love to you, my friend.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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18-10-2016, 04:51 PM
RE: I don't know
(17-10-2016 07:54 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Either way, I hope you feel better soon...and I hope I do too. I am tired of just ticking off the hours to the weekend so that I can spend most of it sleeping my life away.
Well as I said, I don't feel particularly bad atm. Stressed, yes. I need a vacation. Not depressed though.
I just get thoughtful sometimes when this type of thing happens or comes to mind. I take a step back and start analysing and trying to find out why things are the way they are and why I am the way I am. If that makes any sense.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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21-10-2016, 08:59 AM
RE: I don't know
(18-10-2016 04:51 PM)Leela Wrote:  
(17-10-2016 07:54 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Either way, I hope you feel better soon...and I hope I do too. I am tired of just ticking off the hours to the weekend so that I can spend most of it sleeping my life away.
Well as I said, I don't feel particularly bad atm. Stressed, yes. I need a vacation. Not depressed though.
I just get thoughtful sometimes when this type of thing happens or comes to mind. I take a step back and start analysing and trying to find out why things are the way they are and why I am the way I am. If that makes any sense.

Hi Leela,

Just my 2p. Sometimes we feel that we have worked through some emotional thing, and then there is it, popping up again. Maybe we don't even know what it is about.

I'm thinking that emotions are with us always, and the conscious mind keeps the lid on most of the time. Nothing to analyse, as emotions just don't work that way?

Sounds to me that you are doing OK.

D.
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