I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
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15-02-2015, 08:45 PM
I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
I find dating to be frustrating at my age. I enjoy being single. This is the first time in my life I've really had a chance to fully explore to a huge degree on the hobbies I have on my own. I have all the time in the world to enjoy myself. I'm self sufficient, I'm independent, I've got my shit straight when it comes to my occupation and future. Things have just been straight up amazing.

However, from time to time the opportunity has come up to go on some dates and meet girls my age, or close to it. I'm comfortable with it, so I think, "Hey why not, let's see how it goes."

In the end... they've ended up being full of shit, flaky or just outright messed up. I've never been the type who goes out to hook up or just to looking for a good time. I don't feel like it's really all that stimulating and intimacy is one of those things that I enjoy more with someone I'm close with. I guess I sort of feel that it comes with mutual respect and understanding and some time.

I think though, that a few other members kind of nailed it in another thread when they said, "Dude, I think it's where you live." I live in a small town. Roughly 30,000 people. It does tend to be pretty religious, and like minded people are pretty hard to come by.

I tried the online dating thing, and thus far, it's only ended up with frustration. People claim to be one thing, and end up being another. Or they say they had fun, and say they want to go on another date, and then drop off the face of the planet, or make up ridiculous lies to avoid the situation. It's like, "Dude, if you're not interested, just say so. It's not going to hurt my feelings." I'd much rather someone say they aren't interested, than beat around the bush and make shit up. I suppose though, people just hate confrontation. Even more odd to me is that people will say, "I'm a straight up and to the point kind of person." and I think, "Wow, that's pretty much the same for me. People who are brutally honest are kind of badass." and then they end up being the exact opposite.

More oddly than anything is that I find people my age to be..... just so.. jaded.... it's like they aren't willing to really get to know a person. They just expect someone to be xyz immediately with no chance to open up and then just toss the experience away. Or they're pessimistic and are unwilling to open up themselves. I guess to some degree, I can't blame them. I assume some have been treated like shit, probably lied to, cheated on, etc. So the older we get, the worse we get about going, "Yeah I've heard that before." from someone. I feel like it's frustrating though because I try to be optimistic and positive, but people are just so ugly and bitter inside. It's strange. It's like why even bother trying to go on a date if you're going to be a pessimist about it.

A while back me and a girl were pretty close and we both made it pretty clear that we weren't in a rush but had similar feelings. We spent a ton of time together. She randomly sort of stopped and ended up getting busy. I thought nothing of it till she mentioned she had "company" over ... for 2 weeks. Found out the company was a different guy and they're seeing each other. Part of me thinks, "Maybe I really suck ass at being assertive. Perhaps when I say I prefer to take things slow and be more friends first she felt like maybe I wasn't interested...." and regardless, at this point, I want nothing to do with her and feel a bit.... upset. I kind of feel like she wasn't totally upfront about me, and I know she understands how I felt, so I almost feel... disrespected, led on in a way. Even if her intentions weren't that. She's going through rough times, so instead of causing issues, I said nothing, and as she has not initiated conversation since, I've stopped initiating as well.

Part of me goes, "you know if I met someone far away that was a total badass, I'd straight up go for a LDR." but I feel like they'd have to be kind of a badass. I don't even know what that would look like. I mean do people even exist that are so badass that you can have a comfortable LDR? I have a friend who has an international boyfriend. They are an absolutely AMAZING couple. They see each other now and then, are perfectly comfortable with it, but I feel like those types of connections are.... rare. Really rare. How the hell do you even find that? Total luck, I guess.

Part of me wonders if it's even worth dating anymore. I'm actually pretty damn happy being single and doing my hobbies. But every once in a while I think, "you know it sure would be fun to share the journey." Perhaps that's body chemistry, or brain chemistry, or hormones, whatever it is. I'm not sure. But now and then it crops up and I think, "wouldn't that be fun?"

It's a weird age because I feel like women in their mid 30s see me as young and immature (even though I've probably had more life experiences and shit I've dealt with than most), and I see women in their mid 20s as people who haven't had enough life experience as well. So I suppose it's catch 22. People near my age don't seem to have their shit straight, or they have a shit ton of kids and want a new daddy for their kids, or have ulterior motives.

I also feel like it's so hard for me to actually express who I am and what I do because I don't want to attract the WRONG kind of people... if that makes sense. I almost feel like I'm afraid to say, "here is my hobbies, here is what I do for fun, and here is my life." because I feel like people will make the wrong assumptions. It kind of sucks ass.

I'm not really sure what to do, or what to think. I sort of just enjoy myself as much as I can and go, "Why the fuck do I have such a hard time meeting people I can get along with?"

My best friend from before my divorce went through a divorce the same time I did. He stopped talking to me, I don't even know why. He just up and stopped talking to me. I have suspicions as to why, but he won't tell me or speak to me. The rest of my friends have moved on.

My family has been pretty talkative and supportive, but they don't share any my views on relationships or world view, so I can't just go to them and say, "this is how I feel about xyz." they don't get it, they don't agree, they don't understand.

Am I crazy here? Is my perspective fucked up? Am I approaching this the wrong way? Is everyone else fucked up or am I the one who is all fucked up?

Did I choose this path of weird fuckery because of the lifestyle I've chosen? Did the goals I made and the sacrifices I've made lead me here? Is that just ... it?

I don't have people I can bounce this off of in person... this is why I come here.

*goes back to drinking wine and eating some fuckin' cheese




Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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15-02-2015, 09:25 PM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
I am so far removed from the dating scene...I don't even know what to say.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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15-02-2015, 09:35 PM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
(15-02-2015 09:25 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I am so far removed from the dating scene...I don't even know what to say.

I think that gorganzola, brie, and dubliner go very well with a delicious cabernet sauvignon. For the time being....

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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15-02-2015, 09:37 PM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
I've got plenty to say...at work so I can't do it justice...I'll respond tomorrow

Smile

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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15-02-2015, 10:00 PM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
Hug

Wish I could help.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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15-02-2015, 10:33 PM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
That's heavy man, sorry you're carrying that weight No easy answers other than keep being true to yourself and don't play mind games.

As tempting as it is to withdraw, it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.
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15-02-2015, 10:38 PM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
(15-02-2015 08:45 PM)Logisch Wrote:  People near my age don't seem to have their shit straight, or they have a shit ton of kids and want a new daddy for their kids, or have ulterior motives.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date a woman with kids for those reasons. However there could be the perfect woman for you out there but because she may have a child, you may not see her.

Just be straight on your dating profile, condense or paraphrase what you have wrote here if you havent already. It might not be the usual "I like gym, socialising, sport" but it will be straight and honest.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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15-02-2015, 10:50 PM (This post was last modified: 16-02-2015 12:56 AM by Logisch.)
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
(15-02-2015 10:38 PM)bemore Wrote:  
(15-02-2015 08:45 PM)Logisch Wrote:  People near my age don't seem to have their shit straight, or they have a shit ton of kids and want a new daddy for their kids, or have ulterior motives.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to date a woman with kids for those reasons. However there could be the perfect woman for you out there but because she may have a child, you may not see her.

Just be straight on your dating profile, condense or paraphrase what you have wrote here if you havent already. It might not be the usual "I like gym, socialising, sport" but it will be straight and honest.

I am OKAY with dating someone who has kids, so long as her motives aren't, "looking for someone to be the father of my kids." Am I open to "being that guy" someday? Maybe. Right now? No. The desperation of some people is incredible, you can just feel it from some people. I am sure there are guys out there who are single dads who are just as guilty looking for someone to be the mother of their children. I don't assume this is gender specific, I think it's just a motive/behavior.

But I get where you're going with it. Again, I'm open to it, but, skeptical of people. Perhaps a better word is... cautious. I just have an issue being open about my hobbies, because I don't want someone to have the impression that I'm made of money (I'm not, I do well, but I'm not), or that I am looking for someone who is after someone for that. I think this is a problem for me. I have interesting hobbies, and the things that I do aren't really normal, but it's hard to list them because I feel like people get the wrong impression.

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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16-02-2015, 04:33 AM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
What are those hobbies you're talking about exactly? I can't think of any specific hobby that could get me interested or make me stay away from a guy. And how old are you?

If you live in such a small city, it can be hard. I've kinda been there. If your alternative is online dating, however, you will find problems there too. When you can't see the other person, it's easier to pretend, lie, whatever. You could waste a lot of time there and never get anywhere.

I know this doesn't sound like a solution, but I could say it's possibly an explanation. Remember that most people are unbearably stupid. At least that's what I think. Finding a decent person is hard, finding the ideal one is even harder, finding the ideal one in a city of 30.000 is almost impossible.

As for online dating, keep in mind that many people resort to it mostly because of situations you don't want to know about. You'll come across many weird, desperate people, liars, psychopaths (the amount of such people I've met online can't be matched to the amount I've met in real life, which is close to 0).

Finally, age may matter, but try not to stereotype people. There are exceptions, and they're not so hard to find. If you consider my situation, you'd have to think I've been extremely lucky, but I don't think it was pure luck. I started a relationship at 21 with a guy who was 36. I expected him to want to have kids and settle down, he expected me to be a whiny spoiled brat who wants to party all night. We both proved each other wrong, we treat each other the way we expected to be treated and we want the same things in life. Who would have thought?

Anyway, my point really is, I know it's hard, but don't despair. Try not to be biased when finding out someone's age and be patient. Give yourself a break when you need it.

Wow, this must have been the worst reply to a post I've ever written. Sorry.

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16-02-2015, 05:07 AM
RE: I feel like people my age are so jaded. (dating shit)
Obviously all the answers here will be anecdotal, so I may as well chime in. My first husband died very young, I was widowed at 27. The first couple of years after that I didn't date, I kept busy with my business (started before he died) and relaxing with my hobby at the time. The following 3 years I dated A LOT. So I was about your age then. Sometimes I dated several people at the same time. I just had a good time, but also, most of the guys I went out with were disqualified after one or a handful of dates. Why? Many reasons, but the real reason was that I was basically happy with my life and wasn't willing to adapt.

Then I got tired of it and stopped dating. Sold my biz and started a new one. This was when the first PCs were out and I went to a "computer swap" where people exchanged experiences and sold accessories. (A floppy was external back then and an accessory for example). That's when I met my second husband, and at first we just talked computer. we lived too far apart to meet casually so we chatted via computers and modem. Probably we were the first people to date online, lol. I don't know at what point things turned from being friends with similar interests to dating - but I found myself looking more and more forward to chatting with him, and we laughed and laughed... Eventually the phone bills became overwhelming, you had to pay normal phone rates for time on the computer. One month my phone bill was 3x my mortgage. So we started meeting, eventually he sold his house and moved in with me. We got married a year later and were together some 30 years.

Thing is, I found someone when I wasn't looking. I didn't look at him as a potential mate ( he was much older than me) and I suppose my criteria for what makes it worthwhile to spend time with him were different. We became fast friends long before things got romantic. When I was dating, I was constantly evaluating whether I could live with this or that characteristic in a partner. When I met hubby #2 I didn't care about that as I had no plans to have that kind of relationship with him. Neither felt the need to stuff the other into some preconceived role.

So what I think happens is that each person has a set of criteria they tick off during dating. The more serious they are about finding a mate, the faster they discard people who don't meet all the criteria. The thing turns more into a job interview.

I would suggest you go to events that interest you and see whether you meet a female with the same interest. You really don't have to have more than one thing in common if you are willing to let each other live life the way they prefer, no one says couples always have to be doing or liking the same things. Really, all you need is to trust each other, respect each other, and have something to talk about. You don't get to trusting and respecting someone in a couple of meetings.

Being atheist limits the pool somewhat, personally I could not live with anyone who is actively religious.

Now, that hubby #2 has been dead for 3 years, my friends keep bugging me about getting remarried. I have no such intentions, I am at a stage in my life where I love my complete freedom, I spend my days doing things I want to do, and dating isn't one of them. I've buried two husbands, I think that's enough.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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