I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 2 Votes - 5 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
07-08-2017, 07:56 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Hello.

This post is inspired by Jesse, who recently found my email address.

Where to begin?

I know I am not special. I know I am not the only person with problems. Spending 37 months on cancer wards helps one realise one is not alone in this thing we call life. With all its joys and pitfalls.

Possibly the first place to begin is by thanking you. You were always there for me. I shall never forget that.

Thank you very very much.

I see my last post where I mentioned the # of chemo treatments I had. Apparently that particular strain of chemotherapy does damage to the brain. My doctor only recently admitted this to me. How much damage has been done is unknown.

Add to this 19 months on that mind altering experimental medication and...well, one can guess the rest.

This year has been exceedingly hard. I have had many falls. Currently I have 2 broken bones due to falls.

It was funny, when I broke the first one I rang my dad and told him happily "I'm now up to 30. Even number!"

Now I am on # 31. Back to uneven numbers. Dad reckons I should stop at 40. "It's a nice round number." Smile

You may recall I had been experiencing suicidal episodes. They would occur like clockwork and due to my expectation, I could handle them.

Recently, around the time Peebo and DLJ and I had dinner, my mind was disappearing. That night I was not the conversationalist I usually am. I could barely think of anything to say.

I was extremely disappointed in myself.

I pretty much shut myself away. Left the internet and tried to focus on establishing a charity to help kids with cancer.

This has been a monumental failure. Possibly due to weakness physically. I am helping one boy with leukemia. He is very ill this week and I am extremely worried.

Anyway, getting back to recent events.

Two weekends ago I awoke to the most savage suicidal urge I had experienced. It shocked my entire body. I did not take myself to hospital as I normally would. Instead I began throwing away all my belongings and clearing out my home so that others would not have to do so.

Somebody noticed and rang the police. The next thing I know there is this huge knocking on my door. I opened it to be confronted by police officers. They were soon joined by an ambulance team.

I asked if I had a choice. They said "No!"

"This is a violation of my human rights!"

"This is how it works."

Next thing I know there I am, in hospital yet again. How sick of hospital I am.

Things calmed down and my drummer friends rallied around me. My family was notified and it became a huge mess.

I must face the possibility that my mind as I once knew it is gone. I am no longer able to read or even watch a movie.

There have been positive moments. My nephew had a daughter and won a film directing award within 5 days of each other. My brother is working in Hollywood producing a film festival.

Each day I find I am fighting to keep living. 37 months is an awfully long time to spend fighting cancer. This does not include the ongoing fight with the results of that fight. So, I suppose I am still fighting cancer. Now in a different way.

Reasons to be cheerful, 1 2 3.

[Image: pmTMGQUdj]

[Image: oZ6p6C.jpg]

[Image: en490o.jpg]

I do hope you are all well.

Love. Dale

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 23 users Like Banjo's post
07-08-2017, 08:07 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Very glad to see you stop by.

Your family sure makes some pretty babies! Smile

I hope that over time some (or better yet, all) the negative effects of the chemo on your brain improve.

I see a glimmer of your old humor in your post...you are not entirely lost in that fog.

Heart

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like Anjele's post
07-08-2017, 08:14 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Hey, good to see you again!

Brains are amazingly resilient and one re-learns many things. I am guessing your faculties will slowly return. You have been attacked by drugs for an awfully long time, can't expect everything to pop right back.

So glad you stopped by, we worry about you here. Thumbsup

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Dom's post
07-08-2017, 08:17 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Shit, I have days like that, and I'm not even on Chemo. Just keep one foot in front of the other. Trying to help others is nice, but if it kills you, it isn't worth it for you. I suggest you get more rest and maybe some chemicals to help balance your mind, if there are any.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Fireball's post
07-08-2017, 08:19 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
I'm just happy to hear you're still kicking Hug

Even if it's accidentally kicking your drums over! Tongue

Heart

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes TheGulegon's post
07-08-2017, 08:19 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Dale I am better for hearing from you Smile
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes skyking's post
07-08-2017, 08:27 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
I don't know you, but I've definitely heard about you. People around here love you, and after reading your post, my heart goes out to you.

Wishing you all the best in everything. Smile

~ The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you ~
-Neil Degrasse Tyson
[Image: stairway_to_heaven_by_tomtr.png]
~ 0 ~
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Cosmo's post
07-08-2017, 08:37 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
(07-08-2017 07:56 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Recently, around the time Peebo and DLJ and I had dinner, my mind was disappearing. That night I was not the conversationalist I usually am. I could barely think of anything to say.

I was extremely disappointed in myself.

I have been noticing serious cognitive decline myself, mine is age-related and not related to organic structural changes and side-effects from experimental meds like yours. Nonetlheless, I started researching nootropics and discovered a number of different substances, some natural like bacopa and ashawaganda and rhodiola and choline, and some synthetic like the racetams and noopept and NSI-189 and PRL-8-53 and others which are not only neuroprotective against a variety of insults thrown at the brain, they also increase focus and encourage memory formation by increasing the levels of NGF and BDNF in the hippo's campus and promote neural plasticity allowing different regions to assume responsibilities normally assigned to other regions.

These things do work, and have enabled me to regain sufficient mental faculties to still retain my job as a research computer scientist. The part that worries me is that the self-dissolution I was experiencing did not frighten me, it felt like it was the right thing to do. .... I'll keep taking the smart drugs for a while longer because they allow me to generate income to support others, but in the end ... I think I'm gonna dissolve the self completely just for shits and giggle. Fuckers will have to learn how to live on my retirement income.

Almost forgot to add the most important thing. BANJO YET LIVES!

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like GirlyMan's post
07-08-2017, 08:40 PM (This post was last modified: 07-08-2017 08:49 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
(07-08-2017 08:14 PM)Dom Wrote:  Brains are amazingly resilient and one re-learns many things. I am guessing your faculties will slowly return. You have been attacked by drugs for an awfully long time, can't expect everything to pop right back.

So glad you stopped by, we worry about you here. Thumbsup

There are chemicals which can aid neuronal recovery and promote plasticity. Taking the neuroprotectives prior to the insults of the experimental cancer treatment chemicals, but they will work after the fact.

ManlyGirl has an old epileptic diabetic beagle she inherited from a friend who died of pancreatic cancer (hell, fully half of the 18 dogs in my house are now orphans from dead owners). Watched the dude have a seizure which left him blind in one eye and all cock-headed trying to adjust. Fed him a bunch of my bacopa, lion's mane mushroom, rhodiola, ashawaganda, noopepet, aniractem, PRL-8-53, centrophenoxine, and subultamine and dude's back to normal. I don't really like this dog, so next time I'm not sure I'm gonna help him return to normal, because his normal state is asshole.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like GirlyMan's post
07-08-2017, 08:51 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Hi Banjo,

I'm glad you're okay.

Blush

A friend in the hole

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard
5
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes unsapien's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: