I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
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09-08-2017, 02:52 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
(07-08-2017 07:56 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Hello.

This post is inspired by Jesse, who recently found my email address.

Where to begin?

I know I am not special. I know I am not the only person with problems. Spending 37 months on cancer wards helps one realise one is not alone in this thing we call life. With all its joys and pitfalls.

Possibly the first place to begin is by thanking you. You were always there for me. I shall never forget that.

Thank you very very much.

I see my last post where I mentioned the # of chemo treatments I had. Apparently that particular strain of chemotherapy does damage to the brain. My doctor only recently admitted this to me. How much damage has been done is unknown.

Add to this 19 months on that mind altering experimental medication and...well, one can guess the rest.

This year has been exceedingly hard. I have had many falls. Currently I have 2 broken bones due to falls.

It was funny, when I broke the first one I rang my dad and told him happily "I'm now up to 30. Even number!"

Now I am on # 31. Back to uneven numbers. Dad reckons I should stop at 40. "It's a nice round number." Smile

You may recall I had been experiencing suicidal episodes. They would occur like clockwork and due to my expectation, I could handle them.

Recently, around the time Peebo and DLJ and I had dinner, my mind was disappearing. That night I was not the conversationalist I usually am. I could barely think of anything to say.

I was extremely disappointed in myself.

I pretty much shut myself away. Left the internet and tried to focus on establishing a charity to help kids with cancer.

This has been a monumental failure. Possibly due to weakness physically. I am helping one boy with leukemia. He is very ill this week and I am extremely worried.

Anyway, getting back to recent events.

Two weekends ago I awoke to the most savage suicidal urge I had experienced. It shocked my entire body. I did not take myself to hospital as I normally would. Instead I began throwing away all my belongings and clearing out my home so that others would not have to do so.

Somebody noticed and rang the police. The next thing I know there is this huge knocking on my door. I opened it to be confronted by police officers. They were soon joined by an ambulance team.

I asked if I had a choice. They said "No!"

"This is a violation of my human rights!"

"This is how it works."

Next thing I know there I am, in hospital yet again. How sick of hospital I am.

Things calmed down and my drummer friends rallied around me. My family was notified and it became a huge mess.

I must face the possibility that my mind as I once knew it is gone. I am no longer able to read or even watch a movie.

There have been positive moments. My nephew had a daughter and won a film directing award within 5 days of each other. My brother is working in Hollywood producing a film festival.

Each day I find I am fighting to keep living. 37 months is an awfully long time to spend fighting cancer. This does not include the ongoing fight with the results of that fight. So, I suppose I am still fighting cancer. Now in a different way.

Reasons to be cheerful, 1 2 3.

[Image: pmTMGQUdj]

[Image: oZ6p6C.jpg]

[Image: en490o.jpg]

I do hope you are all well.

Love. Dale

ohmygosh so cute! Heart
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09-08-2017, 03:04 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
(07-08-2017 07:56 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Hello.

This post is inspired by Jesse, who recently found my email address.

Where to begin?

I know I am not special. I know I am not the only person with problems. Spending 37 months on cancer wards helps one realise one is not alone in this thing we call life. With all its joys and pitfalls.

Possibly the first place to begin is by thanking you. You were always there for me. I shall never forget that.

Thank you very very much.

I see my last post where I mentioned the # of chemo treatments I had. Apparently that particular strain of chemotherapy does damage to the brain. My doctor only recently admitted this to me. How much damage has been done is unknown.

Add to this 19 months on that mind altering experimental medication and...well, one can guess the rest.

This year has been exceedingly hard. I have had many falls. Currently I have 2 broken bones due to falls.

It was funny, when I broke the first one I rang my dad and told him happily "I'm now up to 30. Even number!"

Now I am on # 31. Back to uneven numbers. Dad reckons I should stop at 40. "It's a nice round number." Smile

You may recall I had been experiencing suicidal episodes. They would occur like clockwork and due to my expectation, I could handle them.

Recently, around the time Peebo and DLJ and I had dinner, my mind was disappearing. That night I was not the conversationalist I usually am. I could barely think of anything to say.

I was extremely disappointed in myself.

I pretty much shut myself away. Left the internet and tried to focus on establishing a charity to help kids with cancer.

This has been a monumental failure. Possibly due to weakness physically. I am helping one boy with leukemia. He is very ill this week and I am extremely worried.

Anyway, getting back to recent events.

Two weekends ago I awoke to the most savage suicidal urge I had experienced. It shocked my entire body. I did not take myself to hospital as I normally would. Instead I began throwing away all my belongings and clearing out my home so that others would not have to do so.

Somebody noticed and rang the police. The next thing I know there is this huge knocking on my door. I opened it to be confronted by police officers. They were soon joined by an ambulance team.

I asked if I had a choice. They said "No!"

"This is a violation of my human rights!"

"This is how it works."

Next thing I know there I am, in hospital yet again. How sick of hospital I am.

Things calmed down and my drummer friends rallied around me. My family was notified and it became a huge mess.

I must face the possibility that my mind as I once knew it is gone. I am no longer able to read or even watch a movie.

There have been positive moments. My nephew had a daughter and won a film directing award within 5 days of each other. My brother is working in Hollywood producing a film festival.

Each day I find I am fighting to keep living. 37 months is an awfully long time to spend fighting cancer. This does not include the ongoing fight with the results of that fight. So, I suppose I am still fighting cancer. Now in a different way.

Reasons to be cheerful, 1 2 3.

[Image: pmTMGQUdj]

[Image: oZ6p6C.jpg]

[Image: en490o.jpg]

I do hope you are all well.

Love. Dale

Hey Dale,

Sorry for your troubles. You're loved.

Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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09-08-2017, 09:34 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
(09-08-2017 03:04 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Hey Dale,

Sorry for your troubles. You're loved.

Hug

Hey mum.

You too.

Back when Tomasia slandered me I was in the midst of those suicidal episodes. Sorry if I behaved rather strangely.

Thanks to everyone else who responded. Even those whom I do not know.

I now know that my cerebral cortex has been damaged by the massive amount of chemo. The specialist is unable to say whether or not the affected areas will heal.

I asked about the future. Of course not knowing, he refused to commit to anything. However when pressed he said there is a chance I may suffer early onset dementia. He also added I may need to consider moving into a care facility at some stage.

When I look back at my personal history of posting here, it has never been while healthy. I am saddened that the person I once knew never got to really meet you, or you him.

There is now also an odd habit where I am able to speak freely about illness because to me it is everyday life. To others it is not and can be discomforting. Often they may feel I am complaining. I'm not. It's more of a "here's the reality" situation.

I've become rather cold hearted towards my own existence. It is what it is. I do not feel sorry for myself. Indeed I recall in hospital thinking "If someone were to offer me 3 more years, I'd take it." Now here I am.

I also must keep in mind the effects that result from suicide upon others. For example when Nishi died, so too did I. I ended up in hospital with 3 severe viruses. One so bad were I to stand, one could here the pool of blood forming beneath me. Sheets changed no less than 10 times in one day due to being soaked in blood.

My family would suffer. My brother told me he understands this is all chemical. However had I died, it would have ruined his plans for his film festival in Hollywood and that upcoming in New York.

His family in turn would suffer. As would other members such as my nephew, who said to me "I want you to meet my daughter".

Of course it is not easy to be sane, when one has had so much damage.

There exists no medication for my case.

The virulence of my cancer haunts me. The chance that it may return any day is frightening. There is nothing to be done if it returns. One more dose of chemo would kill me. I have been told this very frankly. Not that there is any chemo strong enough to fight this strain.

It's a situation where I'd simply perhaps go and stay at my nephew's house. Live out the next few weeks watching my grand niece and pass away. The great thing about my cancer is that I would lose consciousness and pass quietly while asleep. I would feel ill, but not a physical pain.

As one can see, I've put some thought into this. Smile

It cannot be easy for people such as Mum. She was not to know that Tomasia's attack upon me nearly led to my death. How is an administrator to know what to do when even my PhD level doctors don't know what to do. I do not envy here her task.

As for myself, all I really see is the trouble my condition can cause. I am unable to even post at a hobby forum without misunderstanding.

So, aside from these last two posts, I've stopped trying.

Today I feel quite ill. However I plan to go to my studio and play drums. I did this yesterday and am happy to say my ability is far greater than when I recorded my last video.

Whether or not I will ever play live again, I don't know. Nor care really. I've played so many shows. Must be more than 3000 at least. Now I just play because of the enjoyment of it.

Yesterday I did not realise it, but people had snuck into my studio and had been watching me for around 15 minutes before I noticed anyone there. I was then called "Master". Reminded me of my martial arts days. Smile

I used to be Machine hands. I'm now called Miracle man. Smile

It was a strange way to get a new nickname. Big Grin

In the word of Ringo Starr, "Peace and love, peace and love."

Smile

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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09-08-2017, 09:42 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
(09-08-2017 09:34 PM)Banjo Wrote:  
(09-08-2017 03:04 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Hey Dale,

Sorry for your troubles. You're loved.

Hug

Hey mum.

You too.

Back when Tomasia slandered me I was in the midst of those suicidal episodes. Sorry if I behaved rather strangely.

Thanks to everyone else who responded. Even those whom I do not know.

I now know that my cerebral cortex has been damaged by the massive amount of chemo. The specialist is unable to say whether or not the affected areas will heal.

I asked about the future. Of course not knowing, he refused to commit to anything. However when pressed he said there is a chance I may suffer early onset dementia. He also added I may need to consider moving into a care facility at some stage.

When I look back at my personal history of posting here, it has never been while healthy. I am saddened that the person I once knew never got to really meet you, or you him.

There is now also an odd habit where I am able to speak freely about illness because to me it is everyday life. To others it is not and can be discomforting. Often they may feel I am complaining. I'm not. It's more of a "here's the reality" situation.

I've become rather cold hearted towards my own existence. It is what it is. I do not feel sorry for myself. Indeed I recall in hospital thinking "If someone were to offer me 3 more years, I'd take it." Now here I am.

I also must keep in mind the effects that result from suicide upon others. For example when Nishi died, so too did I. I ended up in hospital with 3 severe viruses. One so bad were I to stand, one could here the pool of blood forming beneath me. Sheets changed no less than 10 times in one day due to being soaked in blood.

My family would suffer. My brother told me he understands this is all chemical. However had I died, it would have ruined his plans for his film festival in Hollywood and that upcoming in New York.

His family in turn would suffer. As would other members such as my nephew, who said to me "I want you to meet my daughter".

Of course it is not easy to be sane, when one has had so much damage.

There exists no medication for my case.

The virulence of my cancer haunts me. The chance that it may return any day is frightening. There is nothing to be done if it returns. One more dose of chemo would kill me. I have been told this very frankly. Not that there is any chemo strong enough to fight this strain.

It's a situation where I'd simply perhaps go and stay at my nephew's house. Live out the next few weeks watching my grand niece and pass away. The great thing about my cancer is that I would lose consciousness and pass quietly while asleep. I would feel ill, but not a physical pain.

As one can see, I've put some thought into this. Smile

It cannot be easy for people such as Mum. She was not to know that Tomasia's attack upon me nearly led to my death. How is an administrator to know what to do when even my PhD level doctors don't know what to do. I do not envy here her task.

As for myself, all I really see is the trouble my condition can cause. I am unable to even post at a hobby forum without misunderstanding.

So, aside from these last two posts, I've stopped trying.

Today I feel quite ill. However I plan to go to my studio and play drums. I did this yesterday and am happy to say my ability is far greater than when I recorded my last video.

Whether or not I will ever play live again, I don't know. Nor care really. I've played so many shows. Must be more than 3000 at least. Now I just play because of the enjoyment of it.

Yesterday I did not realise it, but people had snuck into my studio and had been watching me for around 15 minutes before I noticed anyone there. I was then called "Master". Reminded me of my martial arts days. Smile

I used to be Machine hands. I'm now called Miracle man. Smile

It was a strange way to get a new nickname. Big Grin

In the word of Ringo Starr, "Peace and love, peace and love."

Smile

Whatever version of Banjo I met on this site, I sure like him a lot Smile I am so glad I got to meet you, I am so glad you are here. And I sure hope you stay.

You have inspired me (and so many others) to pursue their dreams. I know I made the leap in changing careers to my dream job in part because of you and the things you said on how you did it--that anything is possible if you try. And you had and have this amazing life by following that way of thinking. So thank you for that from the bottom of my heart Heart Hug

I know you are going through a lot and I can't even begin imagine what going through all of that must be like. I wish I could give you a hug in real life. I hope you stay and post. This place is not the same without you Heart
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09-08-2017, 10:51 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
(09-08-2017 09:34 PM)Banjo Wrote:  
(09-08-2017 03:04 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Hey Dale,

Sorry for your troubles. You're loved.

Hug

Hey mum.

You too.

Back when Tomasia slandered me I was in the midst of those suicidal episodes. Sorry if I behaved rather strangely.

Thanks to everyone else who responded. Even those whom I do not know.

I now know that my cerebral cortex has been damaged by the massive amount of chemo. The specialist is unable to say whether or not the affected areas will heal.

I asked about the future. Of course not knowing, he refused to commit to anything. However when pressed he said there is a chance I may suffer early onset dementia. He also added I may need to consider moving into a care facility at some stage.

When I look back at my personal history of posting here, it has never been while healthy. I am saddened that the person I once knew never got to really meet you, or you him.

There is now also an odd habit where I am able to speak freely about illness because to me it is everyday life. To others it is not and can be discomforting. Often they may feel I am complaining. I'm not. It's more of a "here's the reality" situation.

I've become rather cold hearted towards my own existence. It is what it is. I do not feel sorry for myself. Indeed I recall in hospital thinking "If someone were to offer me 3 more years, I'd take it." Now here I am.

I also must keep in mind the effects that result from suicide upon others. For example when Nishi died, so too did I. I ended up in hospital with 3 severe viruses. One so bad were I to stand, one could here the pool of blood forming beneath me. Sheets changed no less than 10 times in one day due to being soaked in blood.

My family would suffer. My brother told me he understands this is all chemical. However had I died, it would have ruined his plans for his film festival in Hollywood and that upcoming in New York.

His family in turn would suffer. As would other members such as my nephew, who said to me "I want you to meet my daughter".

Of course it is not easy to be sane, when one has had so much damage.

There exists no medication for my case.

The virulence of my cancer haunts me. The chance that it may return any day is frightening. There is nothing to be done if it returns. One more dose of chemo would kill me. I have been told this very frankly. Not that there is any chemo strong enough to fight this strain.

It's a situation where I'd simply perhaps go and stay at my nephew's house. Live out the next few weeks watching my grand niece and pass away. The great thing about my cancer is that I would lose consciousness and pass quietly while asleep. I would feel ill, but not a physical pain.

As one can see, I've put some thought into this. Smile

It cannot be easy for people such as Mum. She was not to know that Tomasia's attack upon me nearly led to my death. How is an administrator to know what to do when even my PhD level doctors don't know what to do. I do not envy here her task.

As for myself, all I really see is the trouble my condition can cause. I am unable to even post at a hobby forum without misunderstanding.

So, aside from these last two posts, I've stopped trying.

Today I feel quite ill. However I plan to go to my studio and play drums. I did this yesterday and am happy to say my ability is far greater than when I recorded my last video.

Whether or not I will ever play live again, I don't know. Nor care really. I've played so many shows. Must be more than 3000 at least. Now I just play because of the enjoyment of it.

Yesterday I did not realise it, but people had snuck into my studio and had been watching me for around 15 minutes before I noticed anyone there. I was then called "Master". Reminded me of my martial arts days. Smile

I used to be Machine hands. I'm now called Miracle man. Smile

It was a strange way to get a new nickname. Big Grin

In the word of Ringo Starr, "Peace and love, peace and love."

Smile

Peace and love always...

Forever


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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09-08-2017, 11:53 PM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
Banjo, your presence on this site has been an inspiration. I too regret that we never met the healthy you, but watching you fight your disease... even seeing you go through the rough patches... I treated you harshly at one stage myself... And seeing you still able to come back from that, still caring enough to let us know what's going on in your life... You've had a profound impact friend. It will not be forgotten.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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12-08-2017, 09:12 AM
RE: I have survived toughest year. Still in danger, but still alive.
And, I'm crying on the way to the store now.

Peace and love sir. Your mind is still incredible.

~ The Universe is under no obligation to make sense to you ~
-Neil Degrasse Tyson
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