I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
08-08-2016, 03:41 PM
I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
I am a longtime listener first time poster to the TTA, and I've been struggling with how to come out to my irritable, fundy, police officer husband. I've read a lot of testimonies and asked a lot of friends how to do it, but it all boils down to JUST DOING IT.

When I say irritable, I mean he has a short temper. Now, when I tell people this they think I'm worried he's going to hit me or react violently somehow. He's never been physically abusive, and I don't think he would ever hurt me. However I would say that he has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He comes from a corn fed stock of extremely conservative Okies that never spared the rod. And it shows. I used to defend spanking with the age-old 'I was spanked and I turned out fine!' argument. But after seeing how my husband handles his emotions, I can no longer defend spanking, belting, or slapping (His mother slapped him right in front of me at dinner when we were dating) as a way to correct child behavior. And it's perfectly legal, as Seth pointed out in his recent podcasts, contrary to the many who believe it's somehow impossible to use corporal punishment on children. As my cop husband would often say to the parents who ask if they can slap their kids,"Go ahead! I'll stand and watch while you do it!"

When I've tried to 'sprinkle hints' of my atheism through current events or politics, he is almost immediately ANGRY. There are times he has literally screamed at me because what I'm saying agitates him so. You'd think I had insulted his mother or called him names. One issue that I don't even dare broach with him anymore is the Black Lives Matter movement. As the wife of a police officer, I can tell you that it is very rare for an officer to admit when an officer deserves to be fired for their actions. I CANNOT even dare to question how an officer handled a situation. I'm basically a traitor for ever entertaining the idea that maybe some officers treat Black people poorly. Of course, I do not condone the actions of those who seek to kill police officers. My husband was at the front lines during the Dallas shooting last month, and I was terrified that he had been killed. Thankfully, he was not within the shooter's range when he attacked. However, his actions only kindled my husband's hatred of BLM despite the fact that he does not necessarily reflect all who stand for the movement.

All that to say, not only am I dealing with a spouse who was raised in a borderline Pentecostal home, but I'm also struggling with the stress that comes with being married to a police officer. Needless to say, almost all of his fellow officers are conservative and Christian. My husband complained about one of his fellow officers who was openly atheist. I wish I could have met him, but I think he moved to different department. One of his fellow officers believed STDs were a 'recent' issue (like they started in the 60's or something) and that god created them because everyone was having to much premarital sex. It was really painful to hear, and I did my best to correct him without making him feel like a complete moron.

I'm actually trying to make myself tell him tonight, and it's terrifying. I've been avoiding the conversation with him because I don't want to deal with the domino sh*t-storm that will follow. However, I can't keep living a lie and ignoring the willful ignorance perpetuated in the culture I was raised in. So, hopefully the deed will be done and I can move on with my life.

I'm sorry with the long rant, but TTA has been a huge help through my journey to Atheism and I've been meaning to become more involved in the online community here. Thanks for tolerating my drama -_-
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like lelleebelle's post
08-08-2016, 04:37 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Welcome to TTA.
Sorry you're in such a difficult situation. If you think your safety may be an issue when you tell him, maybe telling him in a public place would be better. Also think very carefully about what you can lose (home, kids, etc.) if he really loses it.
I hope it works out for you.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like pablo's post
08-08-2016, 04:51 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
I wouldn't assume a police officer isn't capable of violence. Now not saying he personally will, but do understand their job is to deal with some very nasty scenes even graphic violence aftermaths, not just resistance. He may be bringing his stress home with him. I don't care if it is just "verbal" you are not a doormat. Regardless of religious beliefs it sounds to me he needs some help with regulating his own stress and conflict resolution management.

PTSD isn't about seeing death in war. A bullied kid can suffer from PTSD and grow up dysfunctional and or aggressive and or violent themselves. I wouldn't take his verbal abuse as simply being his personality, you should not make excuses for him. In healthy relationships it isn't about belittling or name calling or blaming. In healthy relationships it is about problem solving and listening and responding civilly.

No relationship is worth being a doormat.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like Brian37's post
08-08-2016, 05:02 PM (This post was last modified: 08-08-2016 05:07 PM by cactus.)
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
It doesn't sound like he's quite ready to hear it. Confused

What kinds of hints have you been dropping?
Maybe try having a discussion about some other non-evidence based phenomenon first, like psychics or ghosts, and see how well he can handle that discussion. Maybe try playing devil's advocate for a bit if necessary to see how he reacts in these discussions when he disagrees with what you're saying.

If we came from dust, then why is there still dust?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
08-08-2016, 05:16 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(08-08-2016 05:02 PM)cactus Wrote:  It doesn't sound like he's quite ready to hear it. Confused

What kinds of hints have you been dropping?
Maybe try having a discussion about some other non-evidence based phenomenon first, like psychics or ghosts, and see how well he can handle that discussion. Maybe try playing devil's advocate for a bit if necessary to see how he reacts in these discussions when he disagrees with what you're saying.

Well even outside the issue of religion, it sounds like he blows up over everything, and that says to me he is bringing the stress of the job home with him. I don't think subject matter applies here. I think HE needs help regardless of topic. I'd say professional therapy would be in order just for the relationship regardless of topic.

I think it would be more important for her to find advice from professionals and see what they think first, social workers and get advice from them. We shouldn't be playing armchair quarterback.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 7 users Like Brian37's post
08-08-2016, 07:38 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
I have no sensible advice to offer; it's a tough situation and I'd hate to have unintended consequences arise as a result of bad advice.

Good luck with everything, ma'am.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Thumpalumpacus's post
08-08-2016, 07:56 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Be careful. It sounds like you are dealing with a husband with anger and control issues. Things can turn bad pretty quickly with someone who rages.

Why, may I ask, do you choose to remain married to someone who is so anger filled and who loses his temper when you voice an opinion?

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 8 users Like Anjele's post
08-08-2016, 08:00 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Are you really prepared for what might happen? Is it worth it to come out to him? Will you lose the relationship?

I have really no advice, so much depends on the situation...

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Dom's post
08-08-2016, 08:05 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Lellebelle, have you spoken with a certified marriage counselor? It seems to me that having a third party present might be beneficial.

Good luck.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 9 users Like Full Circle's post
08-08-2016, 08:37 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
^^^ This.

We're just people on the interweb. Some of our advice might be good. You need a professional who can understand all the nuances and give you sound advice. Avoid the deeply religious sort. I'd suggest somebody secular but somebody who is a liberal Christian may be able to understand your husband better and may seem like less of a threat to him. It sounds like your marriage might benefit from a litle counselling even without the differences in religion.

Best of luck!

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Paleophyte's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: