I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
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08-08-2016, 09:15 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
However the awfulness of the reasons you're here, I'm glad you came.

I agree with what the others said about giving advice... but I wish you the best possible outcome. That said, I once used this on a family member who was abusive to me via Facebook Messenger over my atheism and my protestations of the related social issues they push. I asked if that was the Jesus they served, one who wanted them to only show love to people who agreed with them, and then I quoted Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter five:

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

They still grumble at the things I say, but show much less open hatred in response, now.

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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08-08-2016, 09:22 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Quote:I'm basically a traitor for ever entertaining the idea that maybe some officers treat Black people poorly.


I'm sorry to say that he sounds like an asshole with a gun and anger management issues.

I would be very, very, careful how you broach the subject. He does not sound stable.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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08-08-2016, 11:12 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
I came out to my cop husband. He is now my ex husband.

I'm not saying that will happen to you, but it does happen.

Being a cop's wife is fucking stressful. Sorry you're having to deal with an asshole on top of everything else.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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09-08-2016, 04:45 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(08-08-2016 04:51 PM)Brian37 Wrote:  I wouldn't assume a police officer isn't capable of violence.

While playing a reggae gig, I once watched a cop put out a smoke on a patron's wrist.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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09-08-2016, 05:58 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Ditto what Pablo said -- if you're going to tell him -- do it in public ----- preferably in front of HIS peers -- a bunch of cops.........

My advice -- dump this guy.

Living in fear of someone's anger isn't the right way to live --- I know. My S.O. endured 20+ years of an abusive spouse -- who put her in the hospital a couple of times...........

He also was a controlling manipulative bastard -- who required her to "check in" all the time.... If she took 25 minutes instead of the usual 20 to go and pick up dinner -- he'd accuse her of screwing somebody in the McDonalds parking lot........Then he'd get drunked up and beat her......

There's lots of decent guys out there. You don't have to be stuck with one who's an asshole....

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The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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09-08-2016, 07:10 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(09-08-2016 05:58 AM)onlinebiker Wrote:  Ditto what Pablo said -- if you're going to tell him -- do it in public ----- preferably in front of HIS peers -- a bunch of cops.........

My advice -- dump this guy.

Living in fear of someone's anger isn't the right way to live --- I know. My S.O. endured 20+ years of an abusive spouse -- who put her in the hospital a couple of times...........

He also was a controlling manipulative bastard -- who required her to "check in" all the time.... If she took 25 minutes instead of the usual 20 to go and pick up dinner -- he'd accuse her of screwing somebody in the McDonalds parking lot........Then he'd get drunked up and beat her......

There's lots of decent guys out there. You don't have to be stuck with one who's an asshole....

This. So much this. Heart

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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09-08-2016, 07:31 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
I'm sorry to hear that you're stuck in an awful situation like that. I don't know if you two have kids, but you should find a way to leave him soon either way. I disagree with the others that you should try out counseling. There's no good reason to stay with someone who has a history of abusing you verbally and emotionally. As far as I'm concerned, people like that don't deserve a second chance. To add to that, based on what you wrote in your post, it sounds like he would not be accepting of your deconversion. You should take a moment and ask yourself why you would want to stay with someone who doesn't love you the way you are.

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09-08-2016, 07:47 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(08-08-2016 03:41 PM)lelleebelle Wrote:  I am a longtime listener first time poster to the TTA, and I've been struggling with how to come out to my irritable, fundy, police officer husband. I've read a lot of testimonies and asked a lot of friends how to do it, but it all boils down to JUST DOING IT.

When I say irritable, I mean he has a short temper. Now, when I tell people this they think I'm worried he's going to hit me or react violently somehow. He's never been physically abusive, and I don't think he would ever hurt me. However I would say that he has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He comes from a corn fed stock of extremely conservative Okies that never spared the rod. And it shows. I used to defend spanking with the age-old 'I was spanked and I turned out fine!' argument. But after seeing how my husband handles his emotions, I can no longer defend spanking, belting, or slapping (His mother slapped him right in front of me at dinner when we were dating) as a way to correct child behavior. And it's perfectly legal, as Seth pointed out in his recent podcasts, contrary to the many who believe it's somehow impossible to use corporal punishment on children. As my cop husband would often say to the parents who ask if they can slap their kids,"Go ahead! I'll stand and watch while you do it!"

When I've tried to 'sprinkle hints' of my atheism through current events or politics, he is almost immediately ANGRY. There are times he has literally screamed at me because what I'm saying agitates him so. You'd think I had insulted his mother or called him names. One issue that I don't even dare broach with him anymore is the Black Lives Matter movement. As the wife of a police officer, I can tell you that it is very rare for an officer to admit when an officer deserves to be fired for their actions. I CANNOT even dare to question how an officer handled a situation. I'm basically a traitor for ever entertaining the idea that maybe some officers treat Black people poorly. Of course, I do not condone the actions of those who seek to kill police officers. My husband was at the front lines during the Dallas shooting last month, and I was terrified that he had been killed. Thankfully, he was not within the shooter's range when he attacked. However, his actions only kindled my husband's hatred of BLM despite the fact that he does not necessarily reflect all who stand for the movement.

All that to say, not only am I dealing with a spouse who was raised in a borderline Pentecostal home, but I'm also struggling with the stress that comes with being married to a police officer. Needless to say, almost all of his fellow officers are conservative and Christian. My husband complained about one of his fellow officers who was openly atheist. I wish I could have met him, but I think he moved to different department. One of his fellow officers believed STDs were a 'recent' issue (like they started in the 60's or something) and that god created them because everyone was having to much premarital sex. It was really painful to hear, and I did my best to correct him without making him feel like a complete moron.

I'm actually trying to make myself tell him tonight, and it's terrifying. I've been avoiding the conversation with him because I don't want to deal with the domino sh*t-storm that will follow. However, I can't keep living a lie and ignoring the willful ignorance perpetuated in the culture I was raised in. So, hopefully the deed will be done and I can move on with my life.

I'm sorry with the long rant, but TTA has been a huge help through my journey to Atheism and I've been meaning to become more involved in the online community here. Thanks for tolerating my drama -_-

As far as STDs go when the Americas were being taken over by Eorupeans a very large percentage of the indigenous population was wiped out by sexually transmitted diseases.
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09-08-2016, 09:23 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
G'day, and welcome to the forum. Smile

Obviously it's somewhat difficult to offer advice from a distance, and without being fully cognisant of your relationship with your husband. As some of the other guys have already said, I think your relationship is staggering from one confrontation to the next—and not just the religion issue. It's deeper than that I'm afraid.

I think you seriously and urgently need to reassess your marriage, and whether or not it's worth the personal psychological torment you've obviously been putting up with.

There's a number of key words in your comments that sound alarm bells for me: I've been struggling with how to come out; he has a short temper; he has been verbally and emotionally abusive; he is almost immediately ANGRY; he has literally screamed at me; my husband's hatred of BLM; I'm also struggling with the stress; I'm actually trying to make myself tell him tonight, and it's terrifying; the domino shit-storm etc etc etc.

Note the common theme in these phrases. All negative. And you've not mentioned even one, single positive or redeeming aspect of your marriage—or your husband.

I hope all went well tonight, and please get back to us if you need any more backup.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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09-08-2016, 02:47 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
you have received a mountain of good advice and as you can see everyone is concerned for your well being and physical safety.

please keep us updated so, 1. we know you are ok and 2. we are curious how this will turn out. Many people come here with these same issues and it helps others to learn about others experiences.


hugs to you


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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