I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
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09-08-2016, 04:23 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(08-08-2016 07:38 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  I have no sensible advice to offer; it's a tough situation and I'd hate to have unintended consequences arise as a result of bad advice.

Good luck with everything, ma'am.

I agree.

How about just keeping it to yourself for a while?

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
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10-08-2016, 05:48 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Run, not walk, away from this marriage. It ain't worth it.

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11-08-2016, 04:11 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(09-08-2016 04:23 PM)Banjo Wrote:  
(08-08-2016 07:38 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  I have no sensible advice to offer; it's a tough situation and I'd hate to have unintended consequences arise as a result of bad advice.

Good luck with everything, ma'am.

I agree.

How about just keeping it to yourself for a while?

Hi,

Me too. Professional 3d advice would be the only safe move before opening up in this situation. The only safe advice right now is to stay safe.

D.
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11-08-2016, 10:24 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
I wish I had some good advice to offer. However, the only thing I can think to say is to do whatever is best for your safety. If that includes leaving your present situation take a little time to form a plan and then execute it, after that don't turn back.
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11-08-2016, 01:26 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
You sound like an incredibly sweet, loving person with an incredibly good nature. The problem with being such a good person is the risk of self-sacrificing too much and when no good comes of it.
Here's my, absolutely not professional, impression:
Your husband clearly needs help. There are many explanations and reasons for why he's behaving in such terrible, malicious ways. He was hit as a child, he's experiencing terrible things in his job and so on. He needs saving and as the good person you are, you want to save him. Problem is that you can't save him and you become a victim of the terrible behaviour. The explanations for his behaviour becomes excuses and that is not fair.
He is being mean, agressive and un-empathetic. You do not deserve this behaviour. And you can not save him from his inner demons by sacrificing yourself.
You do not deserve to be bullied, you do deserve to have your own opinions and your own voice. He does not deserve your sharing of yourself and your life with him if he does not listen to and respect your opinions and if he doesn't love you for who you are, even if you disagree on things. He should love you for who you are, not despite who you are. Your lovely nature should be valued, not taken advantage of.

As an outsider and based only upon what you've written here and with no professional qualifications, I'd also say leave him. I am sure he's the victim of circumstances too, but the past can't be changed, only the future. And in the future, you shouldn't be the next victim of those circumstances. Just because he's been beaten, that doesn't give him the right to beat you. Physically or verbally. And no good comes of it.

You are lovely.
Big hugs Hug

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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15-08-2016, 01:08 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
I am overwhelmed with all the love and support in these replies!! I'm literally crying.

I'm still trying to find that 'organic moment' (that will never come) for me to tell him. Our schedules make it difficult to take the time to have these kinds of important talks. What I will probably attempt is staying up later than I normally would and take him out to the bar to talk. He gets off work at midnight, so we don't have many other options at that time of night. I go back and forth about whether to tell him in public or at home, but it would probably be best to do it in public.

I've been toiling over how to go about this for almost two years now and I'm going to lose my mind if I can't be out. We don't have any kids, but we would have to sell our house if we separated. I will miss my house, but it's not worth torturing myself to keep it. I considered finding a secular counselor, but he most likely won't be able to move past the fact that I reject Christianity to even consider counseling. Lately, I've thought about just packing up my things and leaving, but that seems cowardly of me.

Many others I have spoken to seem to feel that I'm trying too hard to defend an abusive and controlling spouse. Like many abuse victims, I find the good in him despite his horrendous behavior. Hopefully, the next time I post I will be an openly atheist (possibly divorced) woman. Thank you for all the advice and support <3
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15-08-2016, 04:28 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(15-08-2016 01:08 PM)lelleebelle Wrote:  Like many abuse victims, I find the good in him despite his horrendous behavior.

I don't doubt that there is good in him. There is good in the worst that humanity has ever spawned. It doesn't make the rest of it right.

Good luck with coming out to him. I hope that all goes wll but don't hesitate to leave him if it gets bad.

Please keep us updated so we know how you're doing.

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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15-08-2016, 04:38 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
(15-08-2016 01:08 PM)lelleebelle Wrote:  Lately, I've thought about just packing up my things and leaving, but that seems cowardly of me.
I've heard too many horrific stories from abused spouses not to advise you to do exactly that. I'm worried about what he will do to you if you put yourself in a position where he can take out his anger over your deconversion or your decision to divorce him on you. I would hate to see another good person deeply hurt by a loved one.

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15-08-2016, 04:45 PM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
My advice, with limited information, is to get out.

Whatever you do please stay safe.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

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16-08-2016, 07:46 AM
RE: I keep saying I'll be out, but I'm not
Not sure if you've spoken to him yet, but if not...

I get the feeling from your posts that you want your marriage to work, but it's clear your husband has anger issues and the absolute priority is making sure you stay safe, and it doesn't sound to me that you can do this confidently unless your husband can deal with his issues.You say he is reluctant to try counselling but it may be the only way to save your marriage. What I would do:

1. Sort out an exit strategy if the following doesn't work out (make sure you have access to money/a place to stay etc if your husband turns nasty)
2. Make your husband a series of appointments with YOUR choice of counsellor, over a period of a few weeks.
3. A couple of days before the first appointment, write your husband a letter to explain how you feel, and that you can't continue with how things are. Tell him about the appointments you have made, and tell him if he is committed to your marriage he WILL see the counsellor. Leave it for him and go stay with a friend/family for a few weeks, but don't tell your husband where you are - you will both need a bit of breathing space - but you could speak on the phone (if things get heated end the call immediately, and DON'T try to talk to him again for at least 24 hours).

If your husband doesn't see the counsellor, I think your only option may be to end the relationship permanently. If he does you will have to judge whether you think your husband is likely to continue if you go back, and whether it is having an effect in helping him deal with his anger, again if not a permanent split might be your only option.

Or, it might help you both move forward, together.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure you stay safe x



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