I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
19-11-2016, 09:10 PM
I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
Its been a long time since my last post so here I go. I got married 6 months ago, we were living together for some time before we moved in. I love her like I really love her a lot so does her, we fight some times like any other couple I know but most of the time when we fight I am mean to her I know how much words hurt. Recently our discutions have become far between but when they come I feel really miserable like I am an asshole of the worst kind. I know how am I, the kind who cant admit is wrong. We carry on the best we can having a really hard time getting on our feet as every new couple. I think I've come here so I could get a few slaps to regain my senses.
sometimes I feel ashamed because my wife's educative background, damn! damn! I am aware of that that is why it hurts. She does her best to keep on with me and make me smile. She has things that I don't like but I don't mind then so much I don't have problema with her being quite religious she doesn't force me into going to church or else. Sometimes she makes the cross sign on me so I can be safe when I am out, enjoy that.
We well have a baby on april next year and I just want to become a better person, here where we live I am a very respected and admired person thats why I think that hurts me to know that I can be an ass to the person I love.
I like the forum because there I can say things I could not say otherwise. Any help will be greatly welcome.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
19-11-2016, 10:08 PM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
Sounds like you need marriage counseling from a professional. Don’t put it off for the sake of your marriage and family.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Full Circle's post
20-11-2016, 04:27 AM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
at least you're aware of your behaviors that can hurt her : that's a good basis for a start, you know what to improve.
Getting help is indeed probably the best solution, it also shows that you are willing to make things better, it should comfort both of you to know that you're working on it.
Since you're aware of things you need to change, can't you try by yourself some improvement ? For instance, the fact that you can't admit you're wrong, next time a situation like that comes up, can you try to change it ? I know it's not easy, at first, the old reflex is much stronger, but with some effort and some time, it works, and finally becomes more natural.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2016, 04:42 AM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
I've been married 16 years. Our first year was really hard. I reflected on what I needed to change and changed what I could. For me, I just refuse to fight or engage in aggressive communication. I guess everyone has to work it out their own way. This past year has been bad for us again. I fucked up and cheated and moved out for a while.

My top advice to you is don't have kids and stay out of debt.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2016, 07:49 AM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
(19-11-2016 09:10 PM)isyreri Wrote:  Its been a long time since my last post so here I go. I got married 6 months ago, we were living together for some time before we moved in. I love her like I really love her a lot so does her, we fight some times like any other couple I know but most of the time when we fight I am mean to her I know how much words hurt. Recently our discutions have become far between but when they come I feel really miserable like I am an asshole of the worst kind. I know how am I, the kind who cant admit is wrong. We carry on the best we can having a really hard time getting on our feet as every new couple. I think I've come here so I could get a few slaps to regain my senses.
sometimes I feel ashamed because my wife's educative background, damn! damn! I am aware of that that is why it hurts. She does her best to keep on with me and make me smile. She has things that I don't like but I don't mind then so much I don't have problema with her being quite religious she doesn't force me into going to church or else. Sometimes she makes the cross sign on me so I can be safe when I am out, enjoy that.
We well have a baby on april next year and I just want to become a better person, here where we live I am a very respected and admired person thats why I think that hurts me to know that I can be an ass to the person I love.
I like the forum because there I can say things I could not say otherwise. Any help will be greatly welcome.
The first year of marriage is often difficult even if you were cohabiting beforehand.Marriage can change the dynamics of relationships you are then legally bound to one another, add a pregnancy into the mix and all the responsibility that goes with that and subliminally it can be a very scary prospect. I was terrified when I found out I was going to be a dad,I'm not going to lie to you it will hard but maybe some counselling would help and at least you are aware there are issues to work on, good luck to you both and stick with it Smile
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2016, 07:54 AM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
It does help a lot to be AWARE of when you START to be mean.

What is your trigger? If you know it, and recognize it when it starts, you can stop it.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2016, 08:19 AM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
Quote:We well have a baby on april next year

I'm a teacher and I think it's less than 5% of my students who are being raised by both their biological parents. I'm sorry I didn't read this more carefully before I posted don't have kids. Nobody really accepts this anymore but since you decided to create a new human being you should be willing to sacrifice to make it work. Nobody does and everyone justifies not raising their kids so I feel like it's not worth mentioning. Just make it work for your kid. Do what you have to do to keep it from going sour. I'm almost positive it your wife will make that almost impossible because that's become our new normal. In today's world you'll practically have to brainwash your wife into being a team player to raise your kid correctly. You'll have to say the right things. Do the right things. Play it perfectly. It's a tremendous sacrifice that men don't make and women need to stop making it so husbands have to do all that just to be in the home with their own kids. You're going to have to work really hard and make incredible sacrifices.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2016, 05:24 PM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
It is great that you already know what your problem is and that you are willing to fix it.
Contrary to those before me, I don't think that a couple therapy is is the best solution. Couple therapy, in my opinion, is for cases where the marriage is suffering from some behaviours but you don't sound like the marriage is suffering. You sound like you just want to better yourself as a human being.
The fact that you recognize what exactly you want to fix is a great first step.
I think that you two have married only recently and things are sometimes still new and overwhelming.
How about sitting down together when you are not fighting and just talking this through. Because outside of a fight you don't feel the pressure that you want to be right.
Just talk to her, ask what she is thinking, see if you find a solution together.

I have been married for 5 years and although I do not claim to be all-knowing on the topic, my husband and I have been through some pretty damn rough times too. And we have gained so much from simply talking things through and finding solutions together. Even when those things were really hard to talk about. At this time we reached the point that we can, no matter how hot the fight, put a reminder out in the middle and the other one will stop. For example my husband tends to repeat himself a lot because he assumes I don't understand. So in the middle of a fight I could tell him "you said that twice already" and he will stop and move on.
But I think that this approach requires a lot of trust in the other person to not use this against the partner just to "win" the argument or whatever.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
- Wotsefack?! -
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2016, 05:35 PM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
As someone who is also stubborn, unable/unwilling to admit when I'm wrong, and who has been known to let my anger get the best of me during arguments, I can certainly understand your dilemma here. it's something I'm still working on, but I feel like I'm 1000% better than I was 5 years or so ago.

The best bit of advice I can give you is to bite it and admit when you're wrong or when you've overstepped what you feel is an appropriate response to an argument. And you might not be able to do it during the argument initially. Those intense emotions cloud your judgement. Do your best to bite back that anger but if you can't do it in the heat of the moment, make sure you do it afterwards. Give yourself time to cool off and then go to your wife and apologize for whatever it was that you did or said, and for letting your anger get the best of you. Forcing yourself into humility will help temper that stubbornness.

Work on admitting when you're wrong outside of arguments. This one was hard for me, but my husband is pretty smart and it happens quite often that he's right and I'm wrong just in our daily conversations. When we're discussing something like the definition of a word and then we look it up and discover I'm wrong, I no longer have a problem saying I was wrong.

Try to avoid letting your conversations get that heated in the first place. All couples fight, but there's usually a more rational and cool-headed way to settle your disagreements. Especially when you have a baby coming into the picture, conflict resolution is an important skill.

And, as others have suggested, marital counseling is never a bad idea. I got very frustrated with these suggestions during my first marriage when we didn't have the funds to even think about getting our basic health needs taken care of, let alone counseling, though, so I get that if you can't, you just can't. The best substitute is open and honest communication with your wife. Share your feelings with her and let her know when you feel you aren't fulfilling your end of the relationship. She'll appreciate your honesty, and be more understanding of your regressions if she knows it's something you're aware of and working to fix. You two might be able to find more effective ways to settle disputes together as a team.

Good luck.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it- not even if I have said it- unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2016, 05:45 PM
RE: I love my wife a lot but sometimes I am mean to her
When my husband and I married we had a discussion. In our prior relationships we knew we had been prone to hitting below the belt when angry or frustrated. We both knew that past relationships would have been better if we hadn't done that.

We made a promise to not resort to meanness and insults with each other. He kept that promise for a couple months. In 24 years I have never really completely lost my temper and control of my mouth though I have nearly bit my tongue off in the process.

I became a master at the silent treatment. It's not the greatest way to handle things but I have to say he has gotten much, much better and I will inform him when he nears a line and he backs off.

What I do know is this...what is said can't be unsaid. Anything you say in anger will stay there affecting everything from then on. Inflicting hurt with words causes lasting damage.

Counseling has been suggested and that's not a bad idea. But you also have to make up your mind to change your behavior. If you have to walk away to keep from saying things...start walking.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: