I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
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06-09-2016, 06:26 PM
I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
I have decided that I would rather elope than have a big wedding ceremony. It won't be for another 1.5yrs because I'm finishing medical school though. It will literally be me, my fiancé, the officiant, and a witness. I'm doing this because I don't want my family involved in my wedding at all. They are deeply religious and I can barely stand them, but up until now I've needed them for documentation reasons for my education. Needless to say, but they are ignorant to my true feelings on the matter.

It is also important to note that I'm very good terms with my fiancé's family and they have accepted me as part of the family for many years. I, however, dread the idea of having people at my wedding. I've never liked attention--it makes me feel very awkward and on many occasions I've cried on birthdays/graduations/etc because I get overwhelmed by it. I don't want my wedding day to feel like that; I just want it to be comfortable, happy me and my future husband.

My one concern is how I should explain to my in-laws why I want to elope. My main reason is my family. I've had a lot of abusive, destructive things happen in my family, but my in-laws are unaware of 95% of it. How can I condense 25 years of family issues into a conversation that basically turns my in-laws idea of my relationship with my parents upside-down? I just don't know what to say. I feel like there is too much to say--too many little things that culminate into "my family is shitty, I hope you can see that"... I can't just say "my family is shitty" because that doesn't show them that I know what I'm talking about. It just sounds thoughtless and simply rebellious. It needs to be delicate and deliberate, so they fully understand why I want to do it this way. No matter what I do someone will be hurt, so I'm going to be selfish with it.. I can't please everyone, but I want to minimize the hurt where I can.

Any insight on how to go about handling something like this?
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06-09-2016, 06:41 PM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
You're not getting married for another 1.5 years, you could use that time to explain to your in-laws why you want to elope.
After your initial conversation on the subject, let them know that you are open to any questions they might have in the future to help fill them in on the situation with your parents.
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06-09-2016, 06:50 PM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
Ask your fiance for advice. He's (?) had plenty of experience with his family and will be useful for the interpretation.

For the most part your in-laws probably don't need all the gorey details. Just tell them that the attention of a regular wedding would make your head implode and on top of that your family is deeply religious and you *really* don't want that. They might ask for details but I'm betting you'll look pretty distressed anyway so they'll likely keep it mercifully short.

If you get along with your soon-to-be in-laws as well as it sounds you might consider inviting just his parents. Still no ceremony and just one more person fussing over you. His dad will be busy with him.

If you can stand the attention, have a party after the fact. Invite people who are important to you and will understand. My wife and I went this route. Short, sweet, godless ceremony with the JP that took all of 10 minutes. Then we blew all the money we saved on the ceremony on the reception. Everybody had a blast and nobody got blisters on their ass from sitting through a full religious service.

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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06-09-2016, 07:00 PM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
As Pablo suggested, take your time. Families that are "normal" can have some difficulty understanding families that suck. My wife still doesn't completely get it and she's lived with them.

---
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06-09-2016, 07:07 PM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
I thought eloping was for not explaining things to family. Blink

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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06-09-2016, 07:09 PM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
(06-09-2016 07:00 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  As Pablo suggested, take your time. Families that are "normal" can have some difficulty understanding families that suck. My wife still doesn't completely get it and she's lived with them.

This is so true! And also why my best friend since age 13 is still my best friend. We don't have to do any explaining...we both had/have sucky families. People who don't can never really 'get' it.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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06-09-2016, 07:23 PM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
(06-09-2016 07:07 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I thought eloping was for not explaining things to family. Blink

You thought right....


Big Grin

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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07-09-2016, 02:56 AM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
Rosie,

My 2p is to do it your own way and I wish you both a long and happy marriage. Smile

BTW, I'm slightly biased. My wife and I have been together for 37 years and our marriage was in the registry office with a couple of witnesses, including our daughter. We had our small reception in McDonalds. A very happy memory.

D.
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07-09-2016, 04:23 AM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
What you're describing isn't really eloping, IMO, it's just a very small ceremony.

I got married in my apartment with only two witnesses, my husband, and the Justice of the Peace. It was a wonderful day. What we told our families was just that we were getting married, and on purpose we didn't specify the date, but we made it clear that we weren't going to have any event that involved extended family. Some of the reasons for that were similar to yours (my family is nuts, I didn't want them anywhere near me at what was supposed to be a happy time, and I had a horror of being "the bride" on display).

While you can choose to explain your decision to your families if you want, you don't owe anyone an event.

Also, and more important: the people who are going to get offended by your decision are the same people who are going to be offended by many other things you do that aren't their business--so it's a waste of energy to try to please them in this one area. As long as your fiance is fine with the plans, you should go ahead with what you want to do.
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07-09-2016, 01:06 PM
RE: I'm eloping, but how do I explain to people why?
Here's how you do it...

In 1.50001 years from now, you text your family a picture of you and your husband happily sporting your shiny new wedding rings while walking on a beach somewhere along with a caption that says "Surprise! We eloped!"

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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