I'm going fucking insane
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11-06-2013, 10:33 PM
I'm going fucking insane
I've held off really being too open around here (unless I was asked by someone on skype to share a story) but I feel that I have to get this off my chest.

I hate my mom. I really do. When I was younger she was often at work for most of the day - so I was left alone. I didn't mind that too much, I sort've grew up on my own that way, it's hard to explain but I never saw her as emotional support before, and that still holds true today.

We've never really seen eye to eye since she started being home more, this has been for about 5 years I think. But she's always had this way of making me hate myself, even as a kid I used to have these weird suicide dreams. Well, this past school year she'd temporarily disowned me twice.

Now we often just have awkward conversations, I think she knows I don't like her. I'm pretty sure she suspects I'm gay and I'm an atheist, and that once I move out I want nothing to do with her. She'll joke around about how we get along when our neighbors fight and she'll start these awkward conversations about me adding her on FB (something I don't plan to do) so that when she dies I can look at it like a diary...but I don't care. I'm not sure if I really feel this way or if her constant hurtful insults and bitching is just doing this to me, but I don't want to be her daughter.

It makes me feel like I'm an awful person but she makes me hate myself. I don't have too much of a self esteem, I know I'm nothing like her (intolerant, racist, judgmental, well, as much as she is) but I have all these conflicting emotions about who I'm going to be - she wants me to do things I don't want to ever do. I don't want kids, I don't want a high paying job if I'm going to hate it - I want to do something I love, like drawing. I don't want to marry a man - I'm gay. I don't want to wait until after college to date - I want to date when I want to.

But she keeps cornering me and I just have to take it, it drives me crazy because I want to punch her sometimes but I can't. Ugh. It's a clusterfuck of emotions. I'm slightly worried one day I'm either going to just leave this apartment and never come back or punch her right the fuck down.

Bury me with my guns on, so when I reach the other side - I can show him what it feels like to die.
Bury me with my guns on, so when I'm cast out of the sky, I can shoot the devil right between the eyes.
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11-06-2013, 10:39 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
Hug

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
~Izel
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11-06-2013, 10:43 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
My mom and I have an extremely similar relationship. She gives me freedom and I do what she tells me to, but we have nothing more than that exterior. We hardly talk, and she verbally abuses me a lot, telling me not to take it personally because it's her way of an out, or a way to vent.

My mom and I have periods where we fight a lot, and she's attempted to kick me out of the house several times, she's threatened to put me in a foster home, and she's successfully kicked me out once (this recent January) and I lived with my best friend for about a month before we made up and I went home. By the time I was back home, she had cleaned out my room and put everything in garbage bags, threw away a lot of personal drawings and pictures I had on my walls, and I had to dig it all out.

My mom's not as controlling as your mom seems, but that's because I've learned to hardly let my mom into my life. My mom is so judgement, and the most personal of information she'd easily use against me in an argument, and not even shed a sweat to car.

It fucking sucks. I sometimes wish I could have a spectacular relationship with my parents like I see with other families. I've found an outing though - like a second dad and a second home - that helps me cope with my sometimes unbearable home life.

Try to patch it with her, but if that seems utterly impossible (like with my mom- I swear she just has a bad mix of a southern temper and bipolar) stick it through until you can easily get out on your own. Organize your future. Once you leave, parents sometimes change, because they realize you're an adult and you're doing things on your own - they realize they don't have as much control over you because you're more independent.
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11-06-2013, 10:45 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
(11-06-2013 10:39 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  Hug

Heart

Bury me with my guns on, so when I reach the other side - I can show him what it feels like to die.
Bury me with my guns on, so when I'm cast out of the sky, I can shoot the devil right between the eyes.
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11-06-2013, 10:46 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
(11-06-2013 10:43 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  My mom and I have an extremely similar relationship. She gives me freedom and I do what she tells me to, but we have nothing more than that exterior. We hardly talk, and she verbally abuses me a lot, telling me not to take it personally because it's her way of an out, or a way to vent.

My mom and I have periods where we fight a lot, and she's attempted to kick me out of the house several times, she's threatened to put me in a foster home, and she's successfully kicked me out once (this recent January) and I lived with my best friend for about a month before we made up and I went home. By the time I was back home, she had cleaned out my room and put everything in garbage bags, threw away a lot of personal drawings and pictures I had on my walls, and I had to dig it all out.

My mom's not as controlling as your mom seems, but that's because I've learned to hardly let my mom into my life. My mom is so judgement, and the most personal of information she'd easily use against me in an argument, and not even shed a sweat to car.

It fucking sucks. I sometimes wish I could have a spectacular relationship with my parents like I see with other families. I've found an outing though - like a second dad and a second home - that helps me cope with my sometimes unbearable home life.

Try to patch it with her, but if that seems utterly impossible (like with my mom- I swear she just has a bad mix of a southern temper and bipolar) stick it through until you can easily get out on your own. Organize your future. Once you leave, parents sometimes change, because they realize you're an adult and you're doing things on your own - they realize they don't have as much control over you because you're more independent.

Thanks yo, I'm not sure if it can be fixed. She doesn't like my personality and I don't like hers. I can't tolerate much she does, like her racism and even if we do make up after the arguments it's not long before she explodes again.

Bury me with my guns on, so when I reach the other side - I can show him what it feels like to die.
Bury me with my guns on, so when I'm cast out of the sky, I can shoot the devil right between the eyes.
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11-06-2013, 10:52 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
(11-06-2013 10:46 PM)Red Tornado Wrote:  Thanks yo, I'm not sure if it can be fixed. She doesn't like my personality and I don't like hers. I can't tolerate much she does, like her racism and even if we do make up after the arguments it's not long before she explodes again.

Once a crazy bitch, always a crazy bitch. Drinking Beverage
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11-06-2013, 10:54 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
(11-06-2013 10:52 PM)Ferdinand Wrote:  
(11-06-2013 10:46 PM)Red Tornado Wrote:  Thanks yo, I'm not sure if it can be fixed. She doesn't like my personality and I don't like hers. I can't tolerate much she does, like her racism and even if we do make up after the arguments it's not long before she explodes again.

Once a crazy bitch, always a crazy bitch. Drinking Beverage

True words.

Bury me with my guns on, so when I reach the other side - I can show him what it feels like to die.
Bury me with my guns on, so when I'm cast out of the sky, I can shoot the devil right between the eyes.
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11-06-2013, 10:58 PM (This post was last modified: 12-06-2013 08:11 PM by Dark Light.)
RE: I'm going fucking insane
I feel for you, it sounds a lot like the relationship I had with my mother, except less violent, and plus I ain't gay. I don't hold the onto the same phoney Christian values, aka intolerant bigotry. The funny thing is after I finally found a way out at the age of 20 my mother's relationship with me improved dramatically. Spending small amounts of time together once in a while has been just fine. My mother is a certifiable violent bi-polar nutcase with severe insecurities and she's an extreme control freak. I felt lonely enough growing up being the weird atheist kid is Super-Jesusland. Having to live with her pushed me to the brink of suicide, but I escaped, and you will too. Without knowing you're age or your exact situation I can't give you any concrete advice, but I can say just keep grittin' and bearin'. It'll all be worth it in the long run, I promise.

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11-06-2013, 11:25 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
My mum and I weren't quite as hateful of each other as it sounds here when I was growing up, but we disagreed on a lot of things an had quite a few arguments. I've been kicked out, threatened, yelled at, called names, grounded (for squishing bugs, among other more intense things.) etc. I even slapped her one time (after telling her it was her fault a tragedy happened in the family, which was most certainly not her fault). Don't worry, I got slapped right back, and I deserved it, in retrospect, and still feel -awful- about what I said.

Shes religious (not christian but still) so I heard a lot about magic, and spells, and the goddess, and the afterlife. She also tends to be a bit of a conspiracy...fanatic (I wont say nut cause that's not quite accurate) but I often hear(d) about GMO's, chemtrails, UFOS, Government causing 911 etc. It was an interesting way to live.

I however had a lot of freedom and trust, which I am starting to suspect is rare due to how often I hear on these forums about controlling parents. (Though I thought she was pretty controlling back in the day as well. Hmph... perspective)

Anyway done with the rambling.

What I'm trying to say is the funniest thing happened. When I grew up and moved out. We began to see each other in a different light. I saw her as human, instead of just as my "mum" and recognizing all she did for me (singleish mom supporting 3 kids) and the sacrifices she made. I'm pretty sure she started seeing me as an adult independent person and not so much just her kid. We finally seemed to be on much more equal ground, and it made us grow on each other in a way I didn't think possible.

Now she is one of my best friends, and honestly don't know what I'd do without her sometimes. She still has her flaws (Shes very opinionated, even when not terribly informed) and you try telling her the government is trying to take over the country with martial law! (Grin) or that there is no afterlife. But I also recognize that I also have mine.

I hope you two ladies discover this same thing when you get older, that your moms are just flawed humans as much as we are...and hopefully find a way to forgive and become family. Smile
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12-06-2013, 07:48 PM
RE: I'm going fucking insane
(11-06-2013 10:33 PM)Red Tornado Wrote:  I've held off really being too open around here (unless I was asked by someone on skype to share a story) but I feel that I have to get this off my chest.

I hate my mom. I really do. When I was younger she was often at work for most of the day - so I was left alone. I didn't mind that too much, I sort've grew up on my own that way, it's hard to explain but I never saw her as emotional support before, and that still holds true today.

We've never really seen eye to eye since she started being home more, this has been for about 5 years I think. But she's always had this way of making me hate myself, even as a kid I used to have these weird suicide dreams. Well, this past school year she'd temporarily disowned me twice.

Now we often just have awkward conversations, I think she knows I don't like her. I'm pretty sure she suspects I'm gay and I'm an atheist, and that once I move out I want nothing to do with her. She'll joke around about how we get along when our neighbors fight and she'll start these awkward conversations about me adding her on FB (something I don't plan to do) so that when she dies I can look at it like a diary...but I don't care. I'm not sure if I really feel this way or if her constant hurtful insults and bitching is just doing this to me, but I don't want to be her daughter.

It makes me feel like I'm an awful person but she makes me hate myself. I don't have too much of a self esteem, I know I'm nothing like her (intolerant, racist, judgmental, well, as much as she is) but I have all these conflicting emotions about who I'm going to be - she wants me to do things I don't want to ever do. I don't want kids, I don't want a high paying job if I'm going to hate it - I want to do something I love, like drawing. I don't want to marry a man - I'm gay. I don't want to wait until after college to date - I want to date when I want to.

But she keeps cornering me and I just have to take it, it drives me crazy because I want to punch her sometimes but I can't. Ugh. It's a clusterfuck of emotions. I'm slightly worried one day I'm either going to just leave this apartment and never come back or punch her right the fuck down.

I recommend going insane fucking. Much more fun.....

Seriously, your mother sounds just like any other overprotective parent who wants the best for her child. Bear in mind that, if you've never been out on your own in the cold cruel world, you may not have the entire picture. In regards to a job, there are a wide variety of good paying jobs in all fields doing all kinds of things. Also on money - life is a lot less stressful when you're making $150,000 or more a year, so she does know what she's talking about there.

Just remember that she cares about your but might not know exactly how to express that to you other than being an authoritarian parent. Remember, she is after all human and has her own flaws, as we all do. But it also sound like she's received a lot of hard lessons from the school of hard knocks and doesn't want you to experience the same things in your own life.

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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